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Because this season has been evil.

Regional previews and Kevin Berger’s completed bracket will be posted in the coming days @marchtomarch. 100% accuracy guaranteed! Lunardi has been stealing his shit for years so use Kevin’s roundball prescience against him by copying every single pick (except UTEP). Berger also has way better hair than the plastic helmet Lunardi forges during the 9 months off he has each year.

NIT-bound combover

If Texas has any shot of beating Wake Forest and busting brackets across the land with a win over Kentucky, it needs to channel the powers of one of its own — Corch Kenton Paulino!

You’ve just been Pittsnoggled, now redirect all frustrations towards your wedding suit.

GAME ON.

“We know how to win championships,” Tuberville said. “You can just imagine here the excitement when we do win … because we’re going to win a championship. We’re going to win maybe two, maybe three, maybe four. It just depends on what the good Lord wants us to have.”

Texas Tech has officially cleared the way for salvation through some undefined form of championship crystal (BCS? Big 12? Greater Lubbock Charity Scramble?) behind Tuberville’s new Faith-based offense. It didn’t work so well at Auburn but apparently War Eagle Nation lacked the needed conviction in order to convert first downs against corrupt SEC defenses. That shouldn’t be a problem in the more pious, touchdown-friendly Big 12.

It’s a good thing Tech AD Gerald Myers ran that Satan worshipper Mike Leach out of town. He ritually sacrificed fourth downs, pissed on the holy sacrament that is the kicking game, and showed no remorse to the timid, weak, and blind.

dedfischer 3:16

The day after Mack Brown’s Mom died he went right back to work. The man is committed. He seemed a little subdued but former Longhorns Justin Blalock, Rod Wright, and Colt McCoy kept his spirits up. It was odd to see Colt in street clothes and no Jordan Shipley carving up the secondary. The defense will still kick ass as a unit but there will be some games we miss Kindle and Houston in the front seven. Duh. I felt better about losing Earl Thomas after watching Christian Scott for about ten minutes. If Acho Ocho Uno lets him, Scott will lead the team in forced fumbles.

OL

A legitimate attempt at a power running game has officially arrived on the 40 acres. You have all asked and our democratic coaching staff has listened. Change is here! Hopefulness! 80% of the snaps were under center with two tight ends, usually some combo of Barrett Matthews, Dominique Jones, and Greg Smith. Extra blocking surface Iahmard Harris-Howard also saw some action. They really spent some time on one particular play that saw Matthews or Jones go in motion and drop back in the I as lead blocker. The starting OL of Hix, Allen, Snow, Huey, and Mitchell looked much more physical at the point of attack, particularly in the middle behind Snow and Huey. Allen is an obvious upgrade over Tanner but he got lost on space on one play pulling around Hix until Christian Scott knifed through and sent Allen flying into the backfield on top of Vondrell McGee. 6′1″, 215. That’s a safety.

Scott was active throughout practice in the run game and also came up with the only pick of the day on Gilbert when he jumped a lazy route by one of our lazy receivers (Kirkendoll or Chiles). He also delivered a devastating hit in traffic that wiped the RBs name off his jersey so I couldn’t see who it was that got his ass knocked out. Get used to this from #6.

WR
Timmons looks great physically but didn’t see many balls thrown his way. He has some extra motion in his stride that prevents him from quickly getting up to top speed. He attacks the ball in the air and uses his body well to shield the DB. Possession guy, imo.

Malcolm Williams had a typically solid practice. Great burst, catches everything, looks like a 10 yr NFL guy. Because it’s practice, man. Practice.

DeSean Hales did some nice things in scrimmage work, leading the team with five catches, mainly on underneath routes and one deep corner route on Curtis Brown that Hales pulled in with one hand for a big gain. NFL throw from Gilbert. Hales also dropped three balls against air earlier in the scrimmage. Similar to Curtis Brown’s slow development, I suspect Hales needs live reps to round into form. I also doubt either guy has gained more than five pounds since arriving at UT. They need a midnight date at Player’s every Tuesday and Thursday.

Brock Fitzhenry saw a lot of reps with Goodwin out and they like him on reverses. So does Keenan Robinson. The Giddings dynamo has shed some weight and looked plenty fast in and out of his cuts. That said, if he’s one of our top five receivers we’re probably in trouble.

Kirkendoll now holds the mantle of best route runner with Shipley gone but he’s prone to lapses in concentration and playing like a fag across the middle. He gator armed a short pass across the middle with Christian Scott in pursuit that led to a tipped ball and near pick. The book is out on #11 — he’ll post big numbers against shitty defenses and disappear against OU and Nebraska.

Walk-on Cade McCrary is the next Jeremy Nunez. Look out, Baylor! The upside potential is a poor man’s Todd Blythe. The downside is a lifeguard at Shipe Park.

Is that all we have at WR? Good thing we have Garrett Gilbert chucking the rock. Hopefully Goodwin doesn’t take off to Switerland to run hurdles or some shit.

DB
The witchforce in Aaron Williams only grows stronger by the day. He could leave tomorrow for the NFL with a fake birth certificate and go first round, especially after Joe Haden crunked his way to a 4.57 40.

Chykie Brown looks like a first round pick but plays like a day two guy. The football smarts Earl Thomas possessed are precisely what Chykie lacks, preventing him from becoming a legit All American. Just hope the inevitable (pump fake) “Chykie, nooooooo!” happens against Colorado instead of OU.

Curtis Brown walks like a duck. I’ve been wanting to type that for years. So it’s out there … CB had two nice PBUs on quick outs to Kirkendoll that Curtis simply wanted more. We saw a lot of balls completed against #3 last year on comeback routes where he was slow to react and left a 7 yd cushion on the WR. If this practice was any indication (and it probably isn’t) that number is down to 3 which is in the window for reacting and making a play on the ball. Hopefully more pick sixes.

Eryon Barnett is sporting the green non-contact jersey, which also apparently causes one to get lost in space on every play. The kid has a nice frame but it hasn’t come on yet. It’s awesome how much a random fan can tell about a guy from just one practice looking into the sun from 80 yards away! Nice frame though.

Kenny Vaccarro should just start training for MMA. I think it fits him better than a less violent sport like football. He’s wearing a green jersey too but I don’t think it’s because he’s injured. It’s to protect our own players. Love him as a gunner after a pre-game cocktail of red bull and Doperbo’s brand of legal meth.

LB
Roberson looks like a fullback. He plays like a fullback. We play him at Linebacker. I guess there’s not a huge difference as both positions are trained to hit people but I don’t see the lateral quickness others do and he could be a liability against a good spread offense. Tariq Allen will light your ass up and when he hits the right guy it’s a sight to watch. I would love to see him, Norton, and Robinson out there against power running teams we play twice a year.

Patrick Nkwopara got his ass lit up on three consecutive plays in the Texas Drill, which puts 3 OL and a RB against 3 DL/LBs in a tight space. 3 downs to get ten yards. The players and coaches get pretty fired up as it’s smashmouth football at it’s best. The offense surprisingly controlled the LOS for most of the drill and this was the one minute in the whole practice where Chris Whaley looked effective. (I have no doubt the kid will contribute to this team. In 2012. On kickoff coverage.)

Keenan Robinson was everywhere as usual and along with Eddie Jones will be the vocal leader of this defense. He knows where everyone should be and calls most of the pre-snap reads. Muschamp loves him for a reason — the kid has a nose for the football.

DL
I didn’t get to watch these guys much during individual drills as they were camped out in the shady, colder north endzone. The main purpose of going to practice was to work on my Scottish tan, not to freeze my ass off watching Derek Johnson hump garbage cans in line stunting drills. But it’s nice to see we have a big load inside that plays pissed off and likes to throw offensive linemen at running backs. Man Strength.

If Kheeston Randall and Calvin Howell can play low and clog their respective gaps, this DL will wreck shit. When they don’t, bad things happen quickly. Tyrell Higgins might have more upside than I initially thought. Or maybe we just have coaches on defense that look for a way to maximize each player’s talent. Anyway, we have good depth on the DL but it’s young.

In fact, most of our depth is young across the board but the witch potential is strong in many of them. Huckleberry is working on a formula that perfectly correlates our odds of going to Pasadena with the coefficient of witchiness on any given team. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until fall before he reveals our post-season destination. After watching one practice (arrived late, left early) I can safely say a BCS Bowl is a realistic goal.

10-2?

GP North Shore stud OL Sedrick Flowers has committed to the University of Texas Longhorns.

(per BON).

Barrett Matthews will play some H Back and will see some action in two back sets.

Admits the zone read didn’t work great for Colt. Going to give Gilbert some different looks under center with different backfield alignments.

Tray Allen will stay at LG (for now). CTJ was going to sacrifice a fifth ward orphan if he lined up at Tackle.

Trey Graham still looking kosher at TE.

Mason Walters, DJ Grant, Nolan Brewster, and Acho Uno Ocho out for spring. Eryon Barnett and Jared Norton limited.

3 techs Howell & Higgins. Derek Johnson & Kheeston Randall at NG. Eddie Jones at Buck. Acho & Okafor DEs.

Did mack just say Brian Robison at WILL?

What else you got?

You’re going to hear a lot of arcane terms thrown out there as to what will ultimately get this conference realignment train out of the station: R&D! Senate seats! TV markets! Prestige! Superconferences! HARD CASH MONEY, BITCHES. CIC! Illuminati type shit that would give Alex Jones morning wood. As PB@BON smartly opined, the online conjecture is like SIMS for sports addicts with real.time.consequences!

“Uh, Brickhorn, did you just siphon the womens volleyball team’s annual budget so you could offer Bode Miller $5 million to come coach our basketball team?”

“What, he grew up on a farm and didn’t wear clothes until he was six. He has the complete disdain for discipline while still achieving the unexpectedly good results that this team needs. I’m a lawyer … truuust me.”

Well, Dennis Dodd says you losers can all get back to World of Warcraft because Texas isn’t going anywhere. He also probably follows Dan Beebe on Twitter. And if you actually clicked and read all of those links and still made it back here, please defect and start following some team in the Ivy League.

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU’VE READ TO DATE.

We are going to show you the simple answer to this dilemma in easy to understand pictures. Just like in Scipio’s favorite book, The Secret, the answer has been laying in front of you all this time awaiting the realization and acceptance of certain special paired atomic charges that only you can see. Except we haven’t pillaged a few hundred million off this banal concept like that hack from England. (No, not Huckleberry. He’s basically TechnoViking with better math skills.)

I’m talking about William Walker Atkinson. The guy wrote a 100 books in his life, probably died broke and alone with syphilis, and remained largely unknown until an Australian bitch named Rhonda co-opted his New Thought movement with some slick marketing and a red wax seal dripping down the cover befitting of a Trips Right PPT. (Preferred Porn Title, i.e., The Rise and Fall of the Italian Empress, 1986.)

BUT WHAT’S INSIDE?! WHAT’S THE SECRET, VASHERIZED?!

4 million idiots are still wondering. See how easy it is to get off topic when it comes to conference realignment?

Before we start the Big 10 vs Pac 10 partially-safe-for-work-depending-on-the-job slide show there is one fact Huckleberry wants you to consider when debating the merits of a potential move to the Pac 10 vs the Big 10:

The Big 10 actually has 11 teams. /realignment facepalm #1.

Either those idiots can’t count or they’re lying to us. Or both, because they have Senate aspirations.

Studies somewhere would probably show that visual comparisons are more effective in distilling the merits of two competing options to the average sports fan than a 10,000 word white paper riddled with bullet points and legistlative text. Pictures tell a story in ways that words can’t and this is especially useful for Barkers like myself who once had a vocabulary of more than 30,000 words only to see it whittled down to around 300 consonant-heavy phonemes from subsisting on Ripley’s Eat It or Not! preferred diet of Adderrall, tacodeli, medical marijuana, TMZ, and beer.

Why Texas should go to the Pac 10 over the shitty, cold, & grey Big 10

Big 10

Just another October game in Minny.

Tailgating at Michigan State.

Indiana’s Cheerleaders. Strong.

Mascot fail: A Badger cloned with maniacal twin Skunks.

Meet Scylla & Charybdis of the Big 10. THESE IMAGES ARE NOT WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE. Jenna and Holly are photoshopped Las Vegas strippers that can walk on water and will END YOUR MARRIAGE.

Pac 10

If you drink enough it looks burnt orange.

Awesome white shoes.

/Up 45-0 at halftime against Washington, heads to Rock & Roll Museum.

Tiger isn’t the only one getting paid by Nike.

Leslie has relatives in Oregon!

This is the third string.

I dare you to disagree with this visual thesis. Burn some couches, start a riot, insult my family, slap a chick in the face, or get slapped in the face by a chick from Columbus like HenryJames. The only people I’m scared of right now are Oregon skill position players, Rick Barnes, and people with backtaxes and a misguided death wish that also know how to fly planes.

Or just let a Big 10 fan tell you himself how a simple trip from Harrisburg to Happy Valley can leave one longing for a more enjoyable gameday experience, to put it kindly.

8:30 a.m. — Progressed quite well along 322 West. 40 degrees and drizzly. Light traffic. Floating along without a care in the world, as seen below:

9:00 a.m. — The long, horrifying climb into the mountains of central Pennsylvania produces a few giant snowflakes, then a few more. Still, nothing terrible that required any sort of overly cautious driving.

9:02 a.m. — Holy crap we’re going to die, or be forced into cannibalism like that movie Alive. Roads turn awful as we get within 25 miles of State College. Cars struggling to remain on the road. Actual picture:

Does not go well with burnt orange.

10:45 a.m. — We roll into the Red lot next to the stadium and nobody is there. And okay, by “nobody”, I mean that the lot is approximately 10% full. The whole scene was rather surreal, and I compared it to when a blizzard hits a city and there’s just nothing but quiet in the place of usual chaos. Only there was no blizzard. A few occasional raindrops or snowflakes, but that’s it. And the parking lots remained empty throughout the morning. One of our Jersey friends snapped this picture around noon, about three parking rows from the stadium:

“Come late, be quiet, wear anything, leave whenever … if you can even get here!”

“Really, Joe? REALLY?! There’s nobody fucking here to even see you guys kick our ass! I AM THE MAN THAT DELIVERED VINCE YOUNG!”

Sad Valley, imo.

Tickets were available for $10 outside the stadium. Penn State listed the attendance at 107,981. I know that’s based on how many tickets are sold, but if there were more than 65,000 inside that stadium at any point of the afternoon, I would be shocked. Even if you bought a ticket for Row 94 in section NEU, you could’ve made your way down to Joe Paterno’s lap by the end of the first quarter.

This weather you see in central Texas right now is considered a spring day in Sheboygan. Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Scipio is sunbathing nude again on his bachelor pad rooftop, scaring away the women and inciting a riot in the pants of every Bay Area male with binoculars, which is like all of them.

So let’s tally the results:

Big 10
Top heavy (football)
Bottom heavy (women)
Cold
Snowy
Barren
Remote
Rust belt views
Connecting flights
Old schools (philosophically, literally, physically)
Sweater vests
Be in bed by 8:30
Recruit a Jordan Hicks once every 10 years. Maybe.

Pac 10
Sunny
Temperate
Babes
Ocean
Mountains
Real cities
NCAA baseball
Non-stop flights
The chance to beat USC every year
All around bacchanalia
Fertile recruiting grounds
Looting fertile mounds

Cast your votes. I’ve cast mine. Head west, sons and daughters of the south.

That’s two guards lost for the season to knee injuries and the latest was from an otherwise innocuous knee bump from a clumsy big man on dedfischer’s payroll.

A Tonya Harding sighting on the 40 Acres can’t be far away.

Rick Barnes’ goal of limiting J’Covan Brown’s minutes j’ust got harder.

Augie Garrido announced yesterday that Taylor Jungmann will get the opening day start on Friday. That was to be expected. He also announced that Brandon Workman and Austin Dicharry will be the other two weekend starters. The Dicharry news was unexpected. Chance Ruffin is the closer, and it looks like Cole Green is a middle reliever and midweek starter. Two out of last season’s three starters are now relievers.

And I’m fine with that.

We headed into the CWS last year with six pitchers on which we could depend only to find out when we got there that we could only depend on four of them. And that’s why we lost. But Augie is no idiot no matter what Huckleberry says. (How many national titles have you won, Huckleberry? Stomp!)

Augie says that no starter will be asked to pitch more than five or six innings during the early part of the season. The focus will be on building depth by having the bullpen pitch 2-3 innings per game before giving way to Ruffin in the ninth.

Good plan, imo. We’ll have to see if Dicharry can become a reliable starter, whether or not Green can become an effective reliever and see who steps up in the bullpen. But I hesitate to call those things problems because we’re freaking loaded.

Blah blah. Opening paragraph. Blah Blah.

David Ash – Good get. He won’t have to play for another three years barring injury, of course, but you have to have numbers at the position in various stages of development. Or you have to rely on a true freshman to…nevermind.

Joe Bergeron – Really like Bergeron. He can play a variety of positions in the backfield, and he can block and catch. Look, I’m still jaded after the whole Matt Trissell, Chad Stevens, Brock Edwards/line up anyone at fullback debacle, but Bergeron is an actual fullback. Really. So much so that his commitment is being used to entice Malcolm Brown that we’re serious about the running game.

Josh Cochran – He can’t bench his own weight at this point. Neither can Vasherized, but we’re not expecting Vasherized to start at tackle for us now are we? We need help at tackle sooner than later, and Cochran is going to have to get bigger and stronger before he can provide it. I’m not saying he won’t, just that he won’t soon. The Aggies have offered him, and that’s my rule of thumb going forward for offensive linemen.

Taylor Doyle – He broke his leg in the playoffs so he’s still in a cast. Supposedly used a wheelchair at the junior day. Why we offered someone this soon with an injury is anyone’s guess. There was plenty of time to evaluate him during the spring, and we could get his commitment at any point. McWhorter had nothing to fear but fear itself.

Sheroid Evans – He’s got the things that you can’t coach, and for everything else there’s Muschamp. He’ll likely be the fastest guy on the field and will cover a lot of ground at safety. And he’s aggressive.

Marcus Hutchins – He can supposedly dunk a basketball, but I want linemen who can move guys off the low block. His reported height ranges from 6’2” to 6’5”. In recruiting always take the lower. That would make him an interior guy where we have a developing glut of players. The Aggies offered. His size is his only knock, but that’s like saying a cornerback’s only knock is his speed. It’s kind of important.

Desmond Jackson – Great prospect. Explosive first step and non stop motor. He’s probably no taller than 6’1”, but he’ll look 6’5” when he’s standing on the center’s lifeless body. Based on my limited viewing of his one on ones at a combine, he can absolutely rush the passer. He can already rip and even did a counter once his first move was stuffed. All the best prizefighters threw combinations.

M.J. McFarland – A cross between Toraino Singleton and Tyrus Doctor. Only Trips knows what that means. He averaged almost 18 yards per catch last year, but it’s hard to judge speed playing in El Paso. Though it’s not hard to buy it there.

Chet Moss – He’s already 19 years old. So there’s that. He’s played both defensive end and linebacker in high school, but he’s an inside linebacker all the way. I’m not excited about the commitment or anything, but I understand that not every player is going to be a five star. Take solace knowing that Muschamp will wring every ounce of ability out of him, much like Sailor Ripley has done with former 3 star blogger Trips Right.

Miles Onyegbule – Bobby Kennedy likes big receivers, and I don’t know why. Since 2006 he’s brought in Josh Marshall, Philip Payne, Malcolm Williams, Montre Webber, Dan Buckner and DJ Grant. Onyegbule has a decent offer list, but he averaged less than 12 yards per catch last year. I think CTJ even did better than that, and that’s setting the bar on the ground. If we’re serious about putting Gilbert under center, there may no longer be a flex tight end position for these wide receiver castoffs. Does Fantake have enough blogs?

Leroy Scott – Dude is a witch. He’s fast, he can cover and he can tackle. He can really tackle. And he’s from South Houston so he’s probably fearless.

Jaxon Shipley – He may be a better prospect than his brother so I’ll nickname him ‘White Chocolate with Macadamia Nuts.’ He’ll likely be underrated by recruiting services because of his early commitment, but he’s a National 100 guy.

Mykkele Thompson – Track guy who will probably line up mostly at quarterback as a senior. Texas told him he’ll play either receiver or defensive back, and I’m hoping for defense provided he can demonstrate the ability to cover and tackle. Otherwise we’ll call him Black Gideon. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Thoughts?