And now for something completely different…
I can no longer bring myself to read another word about Texas basketball. Sorry, Trips; you’ve done brilliant work, but it is becoming uncomfortably like Taxi Driver or Leaving Las Vegas: undeniable artistic merit, with a sigh of relief that is over, never to be watched again. Then I take something for the nausea and the sun comes up again.
I need mindless release, the kind that comes from either a Jason Bourne movie or a top ten list. I can only produce the latter. I am child of the 1970s and an adolescent of the Reagan era, before the dawn of business casual. Raised on The Book of Lists and Letterman, this is my wheelhouse. It is who I am.
Today’s topic: the next ten aging rock and roll stars who should play the Super Bowl halftime show. Why me? Because I represent the NFL marketing department’s perfect now demographic (as opposed to the future demographic, which appears to be brain-dead and Bud Light-addled misogynistic single males).
I am 43 and white. I have a wife and three kids. I buy cars, homes and financial services. Soon, Big Pharma will solve any cholesterol, prostate or virility issues that may beset me. Heaven forbid I rely on diet and exercise. Did I mention I was white?
I know the back catalog of the Who, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen, Prince, the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney like the back of my hand. Those are the six acts that have performed in the “huge concert” era: one band, one sponsor (U2′s performance was a tribute to the 9-11 victims, not a planned concert mega-event). This era, of course, was in response, to the bodice-ripping incident of 2003. Sorry, no pictures, this is a family column.
The NFL obviously plays by a few new rules regarding halftime acts:
a. They must be safe. No one can be offended; adherence to this rule even led the NFL to use a five-second delay during the Rolling Stone’s performance. As an aside, I would love to see the “Do not, under any circumstances, play Darling Nikki” clause in Prince’s contract.
b. They must be able to play, in quick succession, at least three songs that the vast majority of the viewing audience knows. Springsteen only got away with his boring and forgettable “hit” Working on a Dream because, well, he’s Bruce Springsteen, and he played the gospel mass choir card, white America’s favorite paean to diversity. Speaking of…
c. They must appeal to white folks. The infamous 2003 show also violated this rule, featuring P. Diddy and Nelly, alongside Justin and Janet. For that matter, Kid Rock also got an invite. What in God’s name were they thinking?
d. No Country: OK, they may relax this rule at some point because I am sure that “Rockin’ Country Sunday” from Atlanta was a real kick back in 1994 (Travis Tritt, Reba McIntyre, Clint Black AND the Judds!).
Here’s who the NFL will book next:
1. The Eagles: The perfect familiar middle-aged megastars. The only problem is that such an appearance should happen in California, where they don’t play the Super Bowl anymore.
2. David Bowie: Completes the iconic British rocker set, assuming they are never going to re-assemble Led Zeppelin and someone in management realizes that Rod Stewart looks (and sings) like an 80-year-old. I guess they could go with Clapton, but Bowie provides much better odds that the crowd might actually stay awake through the entire performance.
3. Seal: He’s hip. He’s cool. He’s black. He’s married to a super model. If he doesn’t have three songs everyone knows, then he can sing Crazy twice and throw in a Sam Cooke cover.
4. Journey: Slam dunk…and no one will even care that Steve Perry has been replaced by a vocal doppleganger from the Phillipines.
5. R.E.M.: Dangerously close to indie subversiveness. You also run the risk of Michael Stipe going off on corporate America and the oppression inherent within the system. But man, they would be great.
6. Los Lobos: And please don’t patronize them by making them play La Bamba. Is it just because I live in Texas, or does the NFL completely ignore the Hispanic market? Name me one ad during an NFL telecast that even remotely appeals to middle class Latino families. Hint: there are millions of them, NFL fans, too. Pay attention.
7. Van Halen: But only with David Lee Roth, who’s too old to do anything really offensive. They fit all the other criteria perfectly.
8. Pearl Jam: Among the Seattle grunge brethren, Pearl Jam is the most accessible act (and the biggest, for that matter). Give them about five years and their own fan base will be in the mid-40s marketer’s sweet spot. Unless…
9. The Foo Fighters: I would love to see it, but this may be a reach. When we look back on rock history ten years from now, FF may go down as the last of the huge arena rock bands. The music world seems irreparably segmented today as the concept of the “album” dies a slow death under the weight of i-Tunes.
10. KISS: Sounds crazy, but hell, they got a slot on American idol, of all things, last season. I also don’t remember the last time Gene Simmons ever turned down the chance to make a buck.
Where’s Aerosmith? They are an obvious choice, but they actually appeared in 2001 (with N’ Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige and Nelly–I can’t make this stuff up). Same with ZZ Top, who appeared in a Blues Brothers tribute in 1997.
Ten equally huge acts that would be far more interesting than these: Green Day, Public Enemy, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jay-Z, Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC, Roger Waters, Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, Eminem.
Odds of any of them performing: about the same as Los Angeles ever being a successful home for an NFL franchise.
More from this Barker:
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Posted by jonestopten on August 17th, 2010 under Football
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Posted by jonestopten on June 28th, 2010 under Football
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Posted by jonestopten on April 6th, 2010 under Basketball
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Posted by jonestopten on March 22nd, 2010 under Football
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Posted by jonestopten on March 12th, 2010 under Basketball
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Lewis Black said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
Patrick Bateman said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Eagles would be awful. Great fit, but have you ever seen them perform? They make Tom Petty (who I’m a huge fan of) look like Usher. I don’t know if they actually move.
What exactly would Seal sing? He has about 1.5 hits.
Los Lobos? Only if your trying to promote to more Latin countries. Most East Coasters only know “La Bamba”. zzzz. Shakira would be better than them.
Journey without Perry is like Styx without Dennis DeYoung. Wait? Okay Stones with Jagger, not quite, but you get the idea.
KISS, Van Halen (with either Roth or Haggar), Bowie, Foo Fighters would all be great. Pearl Jam, I’m torn. Not really the kind of music that would stick. Bop Jovi will eventually do it, it’s just a matter of time.
AC/DC, Def Leppard, and Chili Peppers would all meet your criteria and rock. Billy Joel, Elton John, and Madonna would all fit the bill. I’ve always thought that Duran Duran would be hilarious but I don’t think they have the longevity…..Great subject and post, though….
jonestopten said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Journey without Perry sounds just like Journey with Perry. I’m telling you, no one would notice.
Patrick Bateman said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:58 pm
I’ve seen them twice with the doppelganger. He does a great job of playing a copycat, but I think a lot of folks would notice. He was the face of the band and better than his counterpart. This is not Van Halen, who had a bunch of hits w/o Roth. BTW, this is the 2nd doppelganger they’ve had. The first had to leave the band. Do you think Randy would come back and play bass for them…
Nickel Rover said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:05 pm
At the risk of outing myself I don’t understand why Coldplay is never an option. They could always bring back U2 as well, they’re always available.
Patrick Bateman said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Probably a little too new, Nickel. But they’re going to run out of geriatric artists eventually. I’m waiting for the Menudo reunion performance. Maybe Zack Attack. Now, I’m dating myself. No Doubt may be available in 5 years…
ColoradoAg said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:13 pm
It pains me to say it, but I think we’ll see Billy Joel soon. Melody of Moving Out/Good Die Young/Piano Man = NFL corporgasm.
Vasherized said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I’m in a new york state of mind.
magnusbleuveigner said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Billy Joel can perform with Donta Stallworth and Leonard Little as back-up singers. That would be swell.
Sailor Ripley said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:43 pm
That made me laugh.
Craw Force One said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I’d say bring back U2, they have already played at Jerryworld and did a wonderful job. Eagles would be an great choice as well seeing as many of the members live in Dallas and have recognizable songs, including a mandatory “lighter” song (Desperado).
Craw Force One said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Or they could just get Don McLean to play American Pie for 20 minutes.
Patrick Bateman said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Queen! Damn it….Radio Ga-Ga would have been epic. The Doors? I’m not very good at this. LL Cool J if it’s on CBS…..
sizzlechest said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Nuff said.
Smart aleck said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Better a vocal doppleganger than a soft spoken doppleganger.
Mysterious Package said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 6:25 pm
Eagles, AC/DC, or Pearl Jam
Patrick Bateman said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 6:36 pm
The Police would work under the current requirements.
I could see Billy Joel when/if the game every makes NY.
Garth Brooks is mainstream enough too…
hoju said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 6:46 pm
A friend of mine suggested during this year’s Super Bowl: Just invite whoever had the big hit of the previous summer/ fall. This year, they should’ve had the Black-Eyed Peas singin’ “Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night.”
Bob said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Jimmy freaking Buffett
fitzhume said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:07 pm
If you’re right that they’re trying to complete the set of British paleo-rockers, I would imagine the Kinks get the call long before David Bowie.
While it’s taken for granted that whomever’s there will play their most recognizable hits, I’ve often wondered if the artists have any discretion at all. Probably not.
texoz said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:24 pm
If we’re going for leftovers, how about a little Meatloaf?
Nickel Rover said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Sting makes sense except that he already did it with no doubt in 2003 i think. Coldplay is fairly well known enough at this point it would seem they would be a draw. Plus they aren’t 10 years past their prime.
The eagles seem like a likely bet for the next one though I couldn’t be less excited about that happening, Lynyrd Skynrd just playing Freebird would be pretty great. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
06_UT said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Metallica doing One, and follow that up with Liberate by Disturbed. That would be fucking awesome.
06_UT said:
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Foo Fighters and Pearl Jam would be cool. Most of those other names I only know because my parents talk about them…
The General said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 3:21 am
It’s gotta be Jay-Z at the New York Super Bowl, right?
jonestopten said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 4:51 am
fitzhume — Love the purity of the Kinks, but I don’t think they are actually a band anymore; not sure the Davies brothers are speaking. Lola would be delightfully offensive.
“Foo Fighters and Pearl Jam would be cool. Most of those other names I only know because my parents talk about them…”
Jesus, man, I’m not that old. Or am I…
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:50 am
jones, great article.
I’ll say KISS, because they’re cool as hell. Plus, they have a pretty neat football connection.
Fun topic, thanks.
Uncle Bevo said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 7:17 am
“Los Lobos? Only if your trying to promote to more Latin countries. Most East Coasters only know “La Bamba”. zzzz. Shakira would be better than them.”
Sorry, Patrick. As much as I admired your work in “Extract,” you don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about. Los Lobos is of the top live bands I’ve ever seen, boasts not one but two outstanding songwriters, and every one of them can play a hole in the wind. In the debate over the greatest American band of all time, Los Lobos’ longevity, critical acclaim, cross-cultural appeal, and musicianship puts them in the same breath as the Beach Boys, CCR, J. Geils Band, and Aerosmith.
Hook ‘em.
JUICE said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:52 am
KISS, only if Gene lets Ace and Peter back in the band.
AC/DC rocked on their last swing through Austin.
Another geriatric band who played a flawless show in Austin: Rush. Three song Super Bowl set list? Maybe Working Man, Freewill, Tom Sawyer (not my choice, but most accessible).
Another possibilty: Cheap Trick. Have you forgotten? The charisma of Robin Zander?
Patrick Bateman said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:43 am
Uncle Bevo,
That’s outstanding for you. I like Los Lobos quite a bit as well, but don’t kid yourself. The majority of this country only know them as, the “La Bamba” guys. They don’t sell and they won’t keep butts glued to the halftime show. Fine band, but smalltime. This is the Super Bowl, not halftime of a LA Galaxy game….Your on crack if you think that the majority of America puts Los Lobos anywhere near the Beach Boys, CCR, or Aerosmith. That’s simply silliness coming from an obvious fan.
Juice,
I saw Cheap Trick a couple of years ago. They were opening for Poison, who was opening for Def Leppard. Don’t know if Cheap Trick exactly is a stadium band anymore. Although, I’d love me some “Dream Police”…….Before my time, but still a fun song…
Patrick Bateman said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:50 am
Also, I can see John Mellencamp being the attraction when the SB moves to Indy. From the state of Indiana, has big sing along songs like “Jack and Diane”, “Small Town”, “Hurts so Good”, etc……Seem to go along but then again, they don’t seem to do anything to promote the region such as some sort of Motown tribute in Detroit…..
Toadvine said:
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:59 am
Why don’t we just give the half-time show to Jay Leno and get it over with?
SolarFederation said:
May 17th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
What about Rush? They RULE!
Bbob78 said:
August 2nd, 2010 at 7:14 pm
Cheap Trick….REO…..Bob Seger