And you thought Barking Carnival’s coverage of gay athletes would end with Graham Harrell’s graduation?
So, the Gay Games.
The first question is…why? Why does every group need their own games?
The Special Olympics make sense to me. They draw attention to a worthy cause, encourage giving, build self-esteem in the athletes, and reward their families with an enriching experience. That aside, I feel like I could go there and dominate. Is that bragging? Yes. I don’t apologize for wearing the confident musk of physical dominance. And the ladies like it just fine.
The Paralympics also make sense to me. The athletes competing have physical disabilities, they’re on equal footing – or absence of footing – and within that context they’re fierce competitors. If you’ve ever seen Murderball, these guys and gals kick ass and take names. I could not dominate these games. Neither could you.
I played wheelchair basketball once and I “ran” the court like George Mikan on rollerskates. After five fast breaks, my forearms were burning with lactic acid, my hands were blistered, and I realized that even the most assiduous masturbation regimen is in no way sufficient preparation for this taxing punishment. Wheelchair athletes are conditioned like gibbons and they can open a jelly preserve jar using only their pinky and an index finger. I distinctly remember shooting at least two airballs and my plus-minus was around -17. I faked a non-specific injury just to quit and lay on some gym mats.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I rolled into their world. What about ours?
Well, my brother used to do Brazilian jiu-jitsu with a guy that was legally blind. My brother was pretty good. But this blind guy was a 250 pound Purple Belt that methodically submitted everyone in the gym like they were a braille term paper. I can only hope that bro avenged himself by hiding the dude’s gym bag occasionally. Bottom line: the handicapped have thoroughly dominated my family. Heather Mills would have probably beaten out my sister for drill team captain.
I’d support a Mental Illness Olympics. You only need one schizophrenic to do pair’s figure skating and the 4X100 meter Depression Amble could be canceled for ennui.
The Gay Olympics are senseless though. Why the schisming? Gay athletes dominate a number of universal Olympic sports, male and female. Figure skaters, softball players, track athletes, even some of the gymnasts once they’re allowed to hit puberty. There is no heterosexual oppression preventing participation. The Gay Games aren’t sexuality’s Negro Leagues. They have no barriers to entry (oh, no he didn’t). Some of the greatest athletes in Olympic history MAY BE GAY. I AM NOT SURE.
Further, the Gaylympics aren’t very elite competition. The records are unimpressive. In the 18-29 age category, Brian Fell won the last Gay Games with a 10.97 100 meters. That’s a solid high school time, but that’s not going to win any meets in your local district. I checked out the powerlifting and wrestling medalists and found that Brian Fell didn’t compete. If he had medaled there as well, Brian Fell would be a homophobe’s worst nightmare.
So what’s this about? It’s not like the ancient Olympics where men competed naked doused in olive oil and spent their evenings creating philosophy and buggering.
I think it’s all a big hook-up. A party. The only thing missing is foam, picky doormen, and MDMA. It’s a chance to hang out with other impeccably groomed men with faux hawks, sculpted bodies, and an extraordinary ability to accessorize. Or, conversely, to seek out other athletic women that love flannel, sensible haircuts, and kd lang albums. Think of the common ground struck in the Gaylympic Village: “What? No way! I love the Indigo Girls, incoherent feminist literature, and epee too! What are the odds?”
I’m uncertain as to why the Gay Games are in Cologne, Germany. When I think of great gay meccas, I think of San Francisco, West Hollywood, Sydney, London, Berlin, any gym in downtown Austin, A&M Yell Leader initiation, logging camps in the Yukon, and, well, the actual Mecca. I don’t know anything about Cologne except that it’s going to smell a lot like Axe body spray this July.
Well, I guess you gays do your thing. We’ll do ours.
sizzlechest is rightly credited with the invention of fingerbuggery. But it wasn’t on a rugby field.
I’m surprised this event isn’t held in Provincetown, MA. Or p-town as teh gays call it. This I’d where I once got stalked by a dude in a blue spandex full-body bunnysuit that wouldn’t take no for an answer. Never trust in-laws from the south about quaint towns to visit up north.
And I think this post is Scipio’s coded announcement “This little slut of a closet door is now wide open, bitches!” Gripping stuff though.
You guys are alot like Donald Trump. Trump doesn’t give a shit what ppl do or what their ethnicity or gender is-as long as your making him money. Gays in sports DO EXIST-and they are contributing to the wide- eyed world of sports and making millions. Sports blogs receive the “trickle downs”. All in all, I know in my heart you guys are all about fairness. If you can play good football-you belong on the field- regardless of orientation. Thank you, Joe. Peace.
Doperbo has that gas station, lesbian “utility look” (utility pants/Doc Maartens/keys hanging from a belt loop). Scipio looks alot like the Construction Worker in the Village People(complete w/Italian sausage). Vash is the Leatherman, HenryJames is the Cowboy…omg…the disco song “San Francisco” comes to mind and I “see” the Barkers hanging out in the Castro District! I knew it! I knew it! The gig is up-fess up!
Chooky needs to grow up & stay out of other people’s business. If he cannot get through just one article without making some kind of strange, kooky comment, he should go back into his corner and play with his pet monkey. He’s good at playing with pet monkeys.
Cologne is kind of like the gay mecca (oxymoron?) of Germany. That’s where they rock their mardi gras (Karneval, Fasching, etc.), and the beer glasses used their are particularly dainty.
I don’t see much difference in the Lombardy region of Italy and the rest of Germany. They were all a part of the Roman Empire. The geo-political differences were practically non-existent(Modern Germany & Germanic Italy). Same racial stock (Alpine, Dinaric).
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nordberg said:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
The “star” of Murderbll, Mark Zupan, is a great guy. And yeah he’s in ridiculous shape. He could kick my ass handidly sitting in that chair, no doubt.
spring branch horn said:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
Henry James is the Mark Spitz of the Gay Games
Scipio Tex said:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
He’s more like the Will Swallows.
bigdukesix said:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:27 pm
and, well, the actual Mecca.
You just got your ass fatwa’d.
Sailor Ripley said:
March 6th, 2010 at 1:28 am
I only know it’s spelled Köln, at least by the transvestite that rented my friend a room, and by friend, I mean HenryJames.
I think you are right. It’s a party, and no problem there.
parlin said:
March 6th, 2010 at 5:18 am
Bottom line: the handicapped have thoroughly dominated my family. Heather Mills would have probably beaten out my sister for drill team captain.
Nice.
Bateshorn said:
March 6th, 2010 at 6:02 am
“What? No way! I love the Indigo Girls, incoherent feminist literature, and epee too! What are the odds?”
That was my pick up line my entire sophomore year in college. To close, I’d usually crack out the Ani DiFranco and a Sylvia Plath qoute.
Texoz said:
March 6th, 2010 at 7:46 am
Word of caution. There are some moves in gay greco roman wrestling that aren’t kosher.
In fact, most of it isn’t really greco roman wresting; it’s foreplay. I recommend sitting near the exit in case they add a few extra rounds for “fun.”
BrickHorn said:
March 6th, 2010 at 7:57 am
I don’t know anything about Cologne except that it’s going to smell a lot like Axe body spray this July.
The river Rhine, it is well known,
Doth wash your city of Cologne;
But tell me, Nymphs, what power divine
Shall henceforth wash the river Rhine?
Vasherized said:
March 6th, 2010 at 8:53 am
sizzlechest is rightly credited with the invention of fingerbuggery. But it wasn’t on a rugby field.
I’m surprised this event isn’t held in Provincetown, MA. Or p-town as teh gays call it. This I’d where I once got stalked by a dude in a blue spandex full-body bunnysuit that wouldn’t take no for an answer. Never trust in-laws from the south about quaint towns to visit up north.
And I think this post is Scipio’s coded announcement “This little slut of a closet door is now wide open, bitches!” Gripping stuff though.
San Francisco claims another one.
whoopspat said:
March 6th, 2010 at 9:55 am
Graham Harrell really is gay.
Vasherized said:
March 6th, 2010 at 10:32 am
He and Rudy Carpenter just got an apartment together.
the clapper said:
March 6th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Scip goes awol for months and now he posts this?
In the closet athlete said:
March 6th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
You guys are alot like Donald Trump. Trump doesn’t give a shit what ppl do or what their ethnicity or gender is-as long as your making him money. Gays in sports DO EXIST-and they are contributing to the wide- eyed world of sports and making millions. Sports blogs receive the “trickle downs”. All in all, I know in my heart you guys are all about fairness. If you can play good football-you belong on the field- regardless of orientation. Thank you, Joe. Peace.
Toadvine said:
March 6th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Mike Piazza supports this post.
Doperbo said:
March 6th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Never break it up… Break It UP… BREAK IT UP!
I shouldn’t have watched the Carl Lewis video.
Spawn of Cthulhu said:
March 6th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
You mean GH really DID EABOD?
Blueshorn said:
March 6th, 2010 at 8:02 pm
And you thought Barking Carnival’s coverage of gay athletes would end with Graham Harrell’s graduation?
I must confess that I tried not to follow GH because he was such a whiny little bitch. May I therefore presume he is a packEE rather than a packER?
BrickHorn said:
March 7th, 2010 at 8:24 am
Gays in sports DO EXIST-and they are contributing to the wide- eyed world of sports and making millions. Sports blogs receive the “trickle downs”.
Is that like a gay pearl necklace?
BC Rising said:
March 7th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
I would not equate Donald Trump with Barking Carnival…unless its Trump Janitorial Services.
BC Rising again said:
March 7th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Doperbo has that gas station, lesbian “utility look” (utility pants/Doc Maartens/keys hanging from a belt loop). Scipio looks alot like the Construction Worker in the Village People(complete w/Italian sausage). Vash is the Leatherman, HenryJames is the Cowboy…omg…the disco song “San Francisco” comes to mind and I “see” the Barkers hanging out in the Castro District! I knew it! I knew it! The gig is up-fess up!
Chooky said:
March 8th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
I’m not gay and I really like Erasure. I don’t want to like Erasure, but I do. Mom, Dad? I like Erasure.
I refuse to live within the razorwire of your judgement and will now openly like Erasure. I’m here! I like Erasure! Get used to it!
Sailor Ripley said:
March 8th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Faggot.
Thaylor Ripley said:
March 8th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Village People’s “In The Navy”.
mikecrabtree said:
March 8th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Graham Harrell is NOT gay!
…
perhaps bi-curious though
Brett Fart said:
March 8th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Chooky needs to grow up & stay out of other people’s business. If he cannot get through just one article without making some kind of strange, kooky comment, he should go back into his corner and play with his pet monkey. He’s good at playing with pet monkeys.
Adam Biggers said:
March 8th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
I’m still laughing my ass off right now. This was hilarious and entertaining.
Clarky said:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Cologne is kind of like the gay mecca (oxymoron?) of Germany. That’s where they rock their mardi gras (Karneval, Fasching, etc.), and the beer glasses used their are particularly dainty.
Scipio Tex said:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Thanks, Clarky. I did not know this. I will add it my compendium of knowledge unlikely ever to come in handy.
Tirol Horn said:
March 13th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
I don’t see much difference in the Lombardy region of Italy and the rest of Germany. They were all a part of the Roman Empire. The geo-political differences were practically non-existent(Modern Germany & Germanic Italy). Same racial stock (Alpine, Dinaric).