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Barking Carnival Casting Call

Posted by Trips Right on February 2nd, 2010 under Basketball, Uncategorized

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to cast Barking Carnival’s finest and most infamous with an actor or actress of your choice starring in Barking Carnival’s own HBO special. This is the shit I blog about when watching Bo Ryan coach basketball. Gotta spice it up somehow. So, I’ll start.

Vasherized–Robert Redford. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Redford. Not that Sundance Channel post modern bullshit Redford’s got going on now. V-money looks the part too. Plus, dude’s brilliant. Wife’s hot. Has a killer golf swing. Sometimes I root for him to die in a fire out of spite. Redford it is.

HenryJames–Perhaps the funniest guy on the interwebs. I’ll go with Zack Galifianakis for the humor, but the dude looks like the Last Samurai version of Tom Cruise. Or a reasonable facsimile. Focus on the humor though.

Sailor Ripley–You would think the Godfather would be pigeon holed by the fat Marlon Brando, but Brando is the anti Ripley with his gluttonous obesity. No, BC daddy is the google version of Ari Gold. So give me Jeremy Piven for Sailor. Remember to get the fuck out.

Scipio Tex–Oh hell, I don’t know we could go in a thousand different directions. Andy Kauffman? John Lennon? Michael Jordan? Emilio Estevez? Jean Claude Van Dam? The kid is a straight baller. A stinking genius, so I’ll probably blow this one, but a leading man like that is going to have to be Al Pacino.

srr50–Easy money. If you saw him, you’d swear he was Paul Newman. He’s got an edginess to him that outclasses Bill Little. When he bombs it 20 yards by you on the fairway and then ashes his cigar off of your forehead, you’ll get it.

Doperbo–I’d pay good money to watch him and Scipio debate the merits of fiat money vs. the gold standard. He’s that entertaining. Fake Ken Tremendous vs. Clipper Cooper in a battle to the death for the mother fucking win. For that reason, I’m going with Robert De Niro.

ClosetoJumping–He’s Vince Vaughn with a bullet because he’s tall and full of piss and vinegar. If I would have partied with him in college I would have never graduated. He’s that good.

MinnesotaHorn–He’s my dog eventhough my son punched him in the junk. I’ll go with Will Ferrell because the dude is hilarious, but just as likely to crush your larynx.

Huck L. Berry–He’s a freakin’ scientist that has made me a ton of money with his computer betting models. Just an awesomely smart cat that wrecks shit with math. Give me Dustin Hoffman.

dick–is Phillip Seymour Hoffman because he excels at running shit when gambling stuff goes bad.

Bob in Houston–is Christopher Walken because he’s able to bounce around between topics.

TheGeneral–Woody Harrelson from White Men Can’t Jump because he doesn’t look the part, but you know he can ball.

Barton Creek–Is Gene Hackman because he knows hoops like no one else.

ipowers is Wesley Snipes.

Skymonkey is Denzel Washington.

Dedfisher is no doubt, Tommie Lee Jones. Spitting image, 20 years younger, if you ask me.

Blake Borron is John Travolta in Pulp Fiction because he’s not afraid to broach a subject. Especially when it’s as controversial as foot massages.

Eyes of Texas–I’m going to go with a man’s man of an actor Sean Connery. I wouldn’t want to cross him on the internet, or in a Chicago Gangland style movie.

Brickhorn–Brilliant cat that graduated from Harvard. I’ve never met the dude but I always picture him in that Goodwill Hunting bar scene pwning some elitist. So let’s go with Matt Damon.

As for me, I’m inclined to go with a good looking sonofabitch, but I’ll leave that up to y’all.

Good night.

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43 Responses

  1. Blake Borron said:

    February 2nd, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I can haz comparison?

  2. Ok, I set you up Blake.

  3. Man, the creativity is strong with the Barkers today. Is there some sort of party that I am not being invited to that involves acid and rocking out to The Who?

    I just sharted. I actually look like PSH only I’m 25 years younger.

  4. CrazyJoeDavola66 said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 12:08 am

    The only person who could credibly play closetojumping is Henry Rollins.

  5. blackscholes said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 1:26 am

    Sure, that’s the obvious choice because of the tattoos.

    But his accent reminds me of a laconic but petulant Gabe Kaplan. Pre-’Fast Break’ of course.

  6. ctj, “vince vaughn with a bullet” huh, knew that guy partied

  7. Did you intentionally avoid the obvious for srr50?

  8. Currently in Rehab said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 6:45 am

    Scipio Tex – Amelia Earhart

  9. Gawd, it’s going to be a long off season.

  10. Nice casting work, Trips.

    The General is Citizen Kane-era Brando. Barrell chested bravado. His weapon is a fly rod.

    Scipio is nobody other than Jon Favreau and I won’t hear any arguments otherwise.

    HenryJames is more Kevin Spacey than Cruise, imo. Although I despise an equal amount of things about Cruise as HJ. Close call.

    Doperbo is Ricky Gervais with a nervous tick and fake American accent. Steady hands though.

    Chooky is Thomas Pynchon. If he even exists…

    Huckleberry is Val Kilmer’s roommate in Real Genius. The dude that lives in his closet and goes on to win the lottery only to waste it on an RV.

    DrJ is Anthony Bourdain.

    Trips Right = Robert Downey, Jr. (pre-rehab, ftw)

  11. I got compared to somebody tall! Take that motherfathers!

    Trips Right has to be Bill Paxton from Big Love doesn’t he?

  12. Or Brad Pitt. One day he woke up with six minority kids.

  13. HenryJames–Perhaps the funniest guy on the interwebs. I’ll go with Zack Galifianakis for the humor, but the dude looks like the Last Samurai version of Tom Cruise. Or a reasonable facsimile.

    Wrong.

  14. Vasherized is Silver Spoons era Ricky Schroeder. I thought we all agreed on this.

  15. Sometimes they agree with you just so you’ll stop talking.

  16. Trips hard at work

    Huckleberry attempting to disprove the theories of clutchness and chemistry.

  17. Scipio Tex–Oh hell, I don’t know we could go in a thousand different directions. Andy Kauffman? John Lennon? Michael Jordan? Emilio Estevez? Jean Claude Van Dam?

    This one is almost too easy

  18. I’m told I’m a dead ringer for the love-child of Mark Linn-Baker and Alan Ladd.

    k

    k

    I’m going to spend some time searching for my self-respect now.

  19. I’ve forgotten how to do image tags. Where’s Huck when I need him?

  20. Bartoncreek said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 8:19 am

    I’m humbled and honored. How does this Hollywood/BC stuff work again? Who am I supposed to blow?

  21. I demand to be an extra played by fellow Ag, Rip Torn.

  22. ” Who am I supposed to blow?”

    Talk to sizzlechest. Who should obviously be played by a Magnum PI era Tom Sellock.

  23. Sizzlechest:

    sc

  24. kevin, post the url and i’ll fix you up

  25. Oh yeah — BE Horn is obviously Hugh Jackman — not because of Wolverine, but because he freaking loves the show tunes.

  26. Kafka, holla.

    k

  27. Purple Drank said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 11:34 am

    So Scipio is Jim Jones?

  28. Mother, Jugs & Speed said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 11:51 am

    No-not Jim Jones-Joseph Scipio as Billy Bob Thornton or Bill Maher. Doperbo as Chris Jacobs. HenryJames as …himself. He’s unique.

  29. Matt Damon? In Mrs. BrickHorn’s dreams, maybe. I’m more of a cross between Daniel Stern, Forest Whitaker and the Donger from Sixteen Candles.

    TheGeneral–Woody Harrelson from White Men Can’t Jump

    Ha. That’s my mental image of you, Trips.

  30. ransomstoddard is Paul Giamati.

  31. Scipio as Billy Bob Thornton

    As in Dead Man or Sling Blade?

  32. Bartoncreek said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Paul Giamati. That’s funny for some reason. Or he’s Mr. Nebbercracker from Monster House.

  33. magnusbleuveigner = Dolph Lundgren

  34. ValhallaRising said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Scipio Tex = Ricky Gervais

  35. magnusbleuveigner said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    ransomstoddard to be played by Eeyore. Let’s go animated to get the kid demographic. Toys, sleeping bags, and other shit.

    nordberg will be portrayed by Marcus Allen. Only because Orenthal is locked up. Or Steve Guttenberg.

    Did ChrisApplewhite even survive his sojourn to The Highlands? If so, he can be played by David Caruso.

  36. Nobody gets to be played by David Caruso. Ever.

  37. Trips Right is a cross between Maris Valainis and Steve Zahn.

  38. magnusbleuveigner said:

    February 3rd, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Yeah, the Caruso thing wasn’t complimentary.

    I don’t think Parlin’s role was filled. I’m not sure I can come up with anybody obscure enough for his liking. Maybe that old stuffy cat from Masterpiece Theatre. Alistair something. I don’t know why, but I picture Parlin with a pipe, an English accent and a snifter in his hand. I’m sure he has numerous leather bound books and an office made of rich mahogany.

    Somebody come up with Parlin’s likeness.

  39. I look a bit like LA coach Phil Jackson but a bit younger and in a lot better shape.

  40. magnusbleuveigner said:

    February 4th, 2010 at 7:56 am

    I look like Louie Anderson, but shorter.

  41. ghostofagroundgame said:

    February 4th, 2010 at 8:15 am

    I look like Will Smith, but black.

  42. I look like Major Applewhite, but more athletic.

  43. Sportsjesus said:

    February 4th, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Parlin always conjures an image of a face-less TA who’s so very close to being published.

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