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A Day in the Life of the Insecure Texas Fan

Posted by CloseToJumping on January 11th, 2010 under Football

6:21am:  Wake up in hot sweats from wet dream having gone sideways. “How did my mother wind up A) nude and B) beating me violently with my own belt? What was Brent Musberger doing in the corner watching?”

6:47am:  Bawl loudly in the shower… Masturbate to conjured image of Kay Bailey Hutchinson in Texas cheerleader garb.

7:13am:  Send angry email to Kirk Bohls for not recognizing Texas as a national power. Call his Texas citizenship into question.

7:15am:  Put on clothes. Head to HR job at Initech.

7:19am:  “Why does Mike Golic have an axe to grind with Texas?”

7:21am:  Ponder quietly in traffic whether or not Dan Patrick left ESPN to simply spread the virus of Texas hatred within the media to new venues.

8:14am:  Attempt to eat oatmeal in peace at cube. Wind up seething angrily because office aggy continues to claim that ATM is on the upswing while the Texas downfall is imminent.

8:32am:  Get harangued by a department head for job description posting performance.

8:44am:  Violently comment on Jason Whitlock’s blog because he announced his Heisman vote for Suh.

8:45am:  Threaten Mark Schlabach on his blog for making a case for Mark Ingram to win the Heisman next year as well.

9:27am:  While reviewing dental deferred payment program, work self up in anger over the fact that Charlie Weatherbie had the audacity to vote Texas #4 in the final Coaches’ Poll. “You just couldn’t handle the beating, could you? Punk.”

9:41am:  During sexual harassment mediation between VP of Finance and his former Executive Assistant, mind wanders into Heisman land again, this time over whether or not VY should receive or rebuke Reggie Bush’s tainted Heisman when offered it by the NY Downtown Athletic Club. “They deserve his wrath and disdain. It will be so awesome if he turns it down.”

10:39am:  Quietly call-in to Colin Cowherd’s radio show from cube. He just announced that he’d vote Miami’s 2001 national title team above Texas’ 2005 team for team of the decade. Now he’s going to pay.

10:42am:  Pound out angry email to Colin Cowherd. Those were tears of anger, not agony, you asshole! There is no shame in being passionate for a cause. Does he not understand how rude it is to laugh at someone in that situation?

11:23am:  Check Orangebloods.com in order to discover new ways in which the media and opposing fanbases have disrespected us.

11:25am:  Take 4 advil, breathe into a bag, then begin methodic rebuttal post on Better Off Red. “It is high time Nebraska fans give us credit for beating them in Dallas. Why does no one acknowledge our ascendance?”

12:03pm:  Go to Chili’s with HR rep and Accounting Clerk. Fade into thinking about how obvious it should be to anyone paying attention that Texas would have won that game had McCoy not gotten injured. “How could Chris Fowler put Florida above Texas? I hate that evil sonofabitch. … How does Chili’s continue to produce the best Skillet Queso in the chain restaurant market?”. Avoid looking at bar tvs, the ESPN byline is just angering. Not a single mention of anything Texas today.

1:14pm:  Note in Accounting Clerk’s file that she expressed a real disdain for the vacation policy.

1:49pm:  Attack BullMarket on Rivals main board for his complete lack of rationality when it comes to the Texas program.

2:33pm:  Kirk Herbstreit’s first 2010 preseason prognostication is out. Texas is nowhere to be found in the Top 5. “Why has God forsaken us?”

3:17pm:  While sitting through OSHA presentation on new handicapped access laws, attempt to cover erection underneath conference room table after surreptitiously reading article on cbssportsline.com arguing that the Bama title over Texas should have an asterisk because of the Colt injury. “Finally someone gets it.”

4:23pm:  Pack up Colt McCoy poster and bobblehead doll. Wrap to take home and archive in Texas memorabilia shrine. Set fire in trash canister (near office kitchen) to printed images of Jim Rome, Lou Holtz, Gary Danielsen and Chris Peterson. “How could Gary Patterson honestly think his team deserved to be counted amongst the likes of Texas?”

4:36pm:  With early office dismissal from fire drill, drive home quickly to catch tail end of PTI. There is just no doubt that Michael Wilbon will be slighting Texas.

5:15pm:  Pull out Big Chief tablet and lipstick. Write letters to 7 different AP writers that placed Florida above Texas in their final AP ballots. “Dear Douchetard (hahahahahaha), Why don’t you eat a bag of dicks? How about this? How about this? Why don’t you die in a fire (LOLZ!!!!!!)? You are a Texas hater! Well guess what!?! Well guess what!?! We hate you too. We hate you with the white hot heat of a 1,000 fiery suns. You better remember that the next time you think of voting against us, asshat (DIAF! EABOD!!!). Sincerely, A Very Sincere Texas Fan”.

5:42pm:  Infuse envelope edges with liquefied solution of hemlock and nightshade.

6:21pm:  Type out open letter on ShaggyBevo.com to Alabama fans, demanding that they admit that they know we would have won if their player hadn’t viciously cheapshotted (“That was a clear spearing, how did the refs miss that?”) Colt McCoy.

7:16pm:  Enjoy freshly heated fish sticks and corn dogs while watching announcers butcher the Texas/Iowa State basketball game. “It is clear that this Ron Franklin has an agenda against Texas. What is this asshole’s background? I hate that guy.”

7:54pm:  Sob quietly for a bit during ESPN’s halftime show. “Jay Bilas is the only guy that really gives Texas our due, isn’t he? Love that guy.”

8:29pm:  Aggressively avoid phone calls from Mother.

8:32pm:  Delete all messages from Mother.

8:33pm:  Dispose of multiple employee job performance reviews in apartment trash bin.

9:43pm:  Terrorize Rivals main board, SoonerFans.com, and Texags.com with taunts about how much better Texas is than any number of random schools. “4 out of 5 bitches!!!”, “Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Let me drop this bomb on you aggy (hahahahaahahaha!!!) – you aren’t even relevant to us! No, you’re not!”, “Hey SEC fans, we still own your asses! Don’t act like you don’t know it!”

10:19pm:  Bubble bath.

11:15pm:  Fall fitfully asleep to the tv, quietly replaying SportsCenter. “They barely even mention the Texas/Iowa State game. Oh, but ooooohhhhh sure, yes, let’s cover the NFL playoffs ad nauseum. Great!”

11:19pm:  Mentally write email to ESPN in the morning, admonishing them for their lack of Texas coverage.

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38 Responses

  1. SL Xpress said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    I love this blog. Maybe my favorite one you’ve written yet.

  2. Jamdog said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Funny! Chili’s has good skillet queso, huh?

  3. parlin said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    No mention of s.o. with whiskey in her boot. -1

    Great Kay Bailey save. +1

    Continuation of ctj obsession with death by fire. +1

    General Awesomeness. +2

  4. BrickHorn said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    File this under “nonfiction.”

  5. Vasherized said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    I liked this one:

    5:15pm: Pull out Big Chief tablet and lipstick. Write letters to 7 different AP writers that placed Florida above Texas in their final AP ballots. “Dear Douchetard (hahahahahaha), Why don’t you eat a bag of dicks? How about this? How about this? Why don’t you die in a fire (LOLZ!!!!!!)? You are a Texas hater! Well guess what!?! Well guess what!?! We hate you too. We hate you with the white hot heat of a 1,000 fiery suns. You better remember that the next time you think of voting against us, asshat (DIAF! EABOD!!!). Sincerely, A Very Sincere Texas Fan”.,

  6. srr50 said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Have you bugged Scipio’s house?

  7. uthookem said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    No fucking way ‘Insecure Texas fan’ properly uses you’re.

  8. HenryJames said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Photobucket

    “The bias is real to me!”

  9. huge said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    It’s funny cause it’s true

  10. Trips Right said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Dude, this could have been me thursday night. I was banned on orangebloods for replying to a poster with 5 step by step techniques he could use to go kill himself. The faitful post included a lot of flowery verbiage like faggotry, asshattery, douchebaggery, ligature of the larynx, and shooting yourself in the face. I don’t think the mods liked it.

    That typed, yours was a funny post man.

  11. whoopspat said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    That’s the most fervor I’ve ever felt upon reading “bubble bath.”

  12. nordberg said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    You scared me into thinking the Iowa St. game was tonight, bastard.

  13. Bob Loblaw said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    You forgot the part about writing a mudhole post.

  14. SL Xpress said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Not sure how that would have anything to do with being an insecure fan. It’s all the folks who whine about it being a jinx that have a problem as far as I’m concerned.

  15. Brennan Huff said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Wow. I thought it was just me. Every time one of my wet dreams is about to conclude with the most joyious of endings, Angelina Jolie performs a beautiful spinner 180 to go reverse cowgirl and this is when I notice Brent and Herbie sitting on stools in the corner. And Brent kills the whole fucking thing by saying, ” folks, I don’t think this is what his Daddy had in mind when he put a handful of Texas dirt under his crib”.

  16. torre said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Did not I see you at Hobby assisting the Heights’ Arsonist thru security for his flight to Tusculoosa?

  17. sizzlechest said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    So, is this insecure Texas fan guy a fag or what?

    Sexual discrimination mediation meeting at 3:30 with VP of HR and said fag..

  18. Vasherized said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Which preceded his big pharma meeting on the Main Line.

  19. CrazyJoeDavola66 said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    As a UT fan who does his share of whining, er, raising questions regarding media perception, I’d have to say I’m mystified by any Texas fan who complains that Brent Musburger has any sort of anti-Texas bias.

    Or, for that matter, ANY fan of ANY team he has ever covered.

    Of course, it’s a lot better if you can arrange for one or more of your players to have one-syllable names or colorful nicknames or mildly intriguing backstories. So you know that losing Colt McCoy nearly killed the man.

    But I can guarantee you he’s gonna be on the GG train for the next 2-3 years because of the MNC game.

  20. texoz said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    “You scared me into thinking the Iowa St. game was tonight, bastard.”

    thought the same thing.

    CTJ needs to write one of these for the beleagued, mute UT basketball fans.

    It could start like this,
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    “December 2, 2009. It was a dark and stormy night, but I wouldn’t know because I was in the Drum with a few dozen other diehard hoops fans watching UT men’s basketball play Idaho City College.

    With Texas leading 134 to 15 near the end of the 1st half, ICC has broken out the oxygen masks and salt tablets. Coach Barnes has already emptied the bench and is taking volunteers from the crowd.

    With those cold, bloodshot eyes, Barnes looks at me, a pasty, middle-aged white man, and motions for me to come over. Is this it? My chance to “play” for UT?

    Coach Barnes, “Say, Texoz. ICC needs someone to mop up the vomit behind their bench. Grab a bucket and get to work.”
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    …or something like that, but funny.

  21. jinx said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Dude that was an illegal spear. WATCH THE REPLAY IN SLO-MO!!!

    And Chili’s queso rocks.

  22. sizzlechest said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    big pharma sucks.

  23. Spawn of Cthulhu said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    My wife and I were pissed to find out that Chili’s has taken the queso off of their 3 courses for $20 menu.
    And here in the Florida Panhandle, I see lots of Alabama truck flags, caps, and toothlessness daily. Tough to deal with, even for the secure fan.

  24. atlhorn said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    youre taking this shit a little far dude.. not to mention setting yourself up for a heart attack w/i 5 years.. anyway, im not gonna tell you that i dont want to punch herbstreit in the face every time he talks about why were not good or wont win, cause i do.. but hes ALWAYS done that, along with most of the other “analysts” on espn, who live on the east coast and dont start watching texas games til november.. why are you surprised? and we did finish #2 in BOTH polls — rightfully so — but still, thats unprecedented after losing a national championship game. thats respect. what more do you want?

    and why be all a&m about it and start whining about spearing? it was a freak ass injury, dont try to blame bama for it thats just vaginal of you.

  25. UT Longhorn said:

    January 11th, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    After reading through what seemed like a weeks worth of angst from the insecure Texas fan, I realized it was only 9:41AM of his day. That in and of itself made me LMAO.

    Thanks for the blog. Finally something worth reading at one o’clock in the morning.

  26. UT Longhorn said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 12:00 am

    atlhorn:

    PLEASE tell me you are joking!

  27. Parody said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Hi atlhorn,

    Have we met?

  28. TKO said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 5:08 am

    althorn,

    Let me get this straight:

    CTJ writes “Bawl loudly in the shower… Masturbate to conjured image of Kay Bailey Hutchinson in Texas cheerleader garb”, and you think he’s serious?

  29. BatesHorn said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 5:20 am

    Through either sheer genius or world class asshattery, atlhorn just managed to out do CTJ, which elevates this post to epic.

  30. jinx said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Wait, this wasn’t true? I suppose you’re gonna tell me the Dreamwagon doesn’t really exist next.

  31. nordberg said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 7:37 am

    The original piece was funny enough, but it’s taken to another level by the guy who thinks this a literal transcript of an average day for CTJ.

  32. ghostofagroundgame said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 9:15 am

    It says awesome things about atlhorn that this seemed like the description of such a reasonable day that he felt it needed to be defended.

  33. Related Articles Irony said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 9:15 am

    McCoy is the Heisman favorite
    By HenryJames on October 21st, 2008

    Sh*t!

  34. tree said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    atlhorn -

    let’s just spell it out for you… this post is poking fun at texas fan. you see close to jumping is making a joke. tongue in check, hyperbole, parody, laughing at ones self. when you have to explain the joke it’s not funny anymore. please go back and read all mudhole posts.

  35. Vasherized said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    atlhorn is scally’s other handle.

  36. blackscholes said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 11:30 am

    ‘Applewhite Cultist’ remains the gold standard.

  37. CloseToJumping said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 11:34 am

    It’s not really fair to compare something like this to that, blackscholes. That one stands alone. This was whimsy from a non-Scipio.

  38. sizzlechest said:

    January 12th, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    scally is DuckHorn on shaggybevo.com

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