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Hans: Hallo, all you magnificent fans of the Texas Longhorns. I am Hans…
Franz: Und I am Franz…
HansNFranz: Und we are here to pump (clap!) you up!

Hans: Today, the mighty, pumped-up Texas Longhorns prepare to destroy the puny, un-pumped, Crimson Tide from Alabama.
Franz: Yah, Alabama, where all human people are related to each other due to the practice of in-breeding.
Hans: Yah, in-breeding. Hah! I laugh at in-bred, puny Alabama Crimson Tide people.
Franz: Yah, I too laugh.
Hans: Yah, hah-hah-hah, you puny inbred Tides!
Franz: Yah, Hah!
Hans: Und what is this “Tide”, anyway? My aunt Eva tells me it is the name of a popular laundry detergent!

Franz: Yah, what sort of puny, in-bred people would name their team of American football players after the soap you pour into a front-loading washing machine?
Hans: Yah, this makes no sense, you crazy Tides. What, do you expect to defeat the Mighty Texas Longhorns by bubbling up around them and cleaning the stains from their famous Tight White uniforms? I laugh at such a prospect.
Franz: Yah, this is me, laughing at this bubbling prospect. Hah!
Hans: Und listen to me now and hear me tonight at 7:18, you in-bred, un-pumped Tidenators…
Franz: Yah, listen closely to Hans, because what he says you must hear to listen.
Hans: …Mack Brown, whose own muscles rival those of my own cousin Erwin in their intensity und ability to crush aluminum cans on the heads of small children, has instructed his Mighty Longhorns to destroy the Crimson Tiders as they have never been destroyed before in the history of their destruction.
Franz: Yah, und Will Muschamp will instruct the beastly, incredibly pumped-up Sergio Kindle to trap the Alabama quarterback, Mr. Greg McElroy, into a mighty bear hug, und squeeze him until his head bursts open in a spray human fluids that will remind the world of a giant defective condom.
Hans: Yah, from this day forward, the puny Mr. McElroy will be known as Mr. Defective Condom Head McElroy…
Franz: …und the world will laugh at this clever nickname. Hah-Hah!
Hans: Yah, und what about this school with the girlie name where Mr. McElroy played his high school American football?
Franz: Yah, ‘Southlake Carroll’? I have a cousin named Carroll, und I assure you she is a little girlie-girl.

Cousin Carroll is on the right.
Hans: Yah, such a girlie school name for the future Mr. Defective Condom Head McElroy…
Franz: Yah, were it not so sad I would laugh at the mere thought!
Hans: I will laugh anyway, because I do not care for sadness. Hah! This is me laughing at you Mr. Defective Condom Head.
Franz: Und make no mistake about it, the Mighty Texas Longhorns have no fear of this Mr. Mark Ingram, who won this thing they call the Heisman.
Hans: Yah, this is because the Mighty, pumped-up Texas Longhorns have their own massive trophy winner…
Franz: Yah, the amazingly pumped-up Mr. Colt McCoy, who won the awards named after Walter Camp, Davey O’Brien, und dis man named Maxwell.
Hans: Yah, my own Uncle Maxwell is no girly-man, you can believe this to be true.
Franz: Yah, Uncle Maxwell is very, very pumped and non-girly.

Uncle Maxwell.
Hans: Yah, so let me tell you this, Mr. Heisman winning man, three trophies are better than just one puny trophy.
Franz: Yah, it is all about the hardware, Mr. Mark Ingram-I-won-the-Heisman-Trophy man, und Colt McCoy has you out-numbered.
Has: Yah, so contemplate that before the next time you go out and brag to your little girly-friends about being an award winner, you puny bubbling laundry detergent football man.
Franz: Yah, und hear me now and I will tell you next Thursday, you puny bubbling Tide fans, Mr. Greg Davis, the genius offensive coordinator of the Mighty Texas Longhorns, is planning to offensively coordinate your bubbly laundry detergent team out of its tiny little jockey straps on the field of the Rose Bowl tonight beginning at 7:18.
Hans: Yah, let me assure you that what looked to you like an offensive train wreck when The Mighty Texas Longhorns defeated the Cornhuskers from Nebraska last month was really nothing more than a part of the genius Greg Davis master plan!
Franz: Yah, Mr. Greg Davis is always 17 steps ahead of everyone, so put that in your powdery laundry soap pipes und smoke it, you silly in-bred girly people from Alabama with the tiny jockey straps.
Hans: Yah, I tell you right now that Mr. Greg Davis will supply the trophy-laden Colt McCoy with a genius game plan that will make the plans for the D-Day Invasion look like mere child’s play.

The Greg Davis game plan.
Franz: Yah, child’s play, I tell you.
Hans: Yah, the sad, puny, in-bred, detergent bubble defense will have no hope to stop such a genius game plan.
Franz: Yah, I tell you, it is a sad day to be a Tider.
Hans: A sad day indeed.
Franz: Yah, so listen to me and think about this tomorrow morning, The Mighty Texas Longhorns will send the puny, bubbling Tide people back to their in-bred state in a sad procession that will look like the Grapes of Wrath.
Hans: Yah, Wrath und Grapes, you silly Tide people.
Franz: Yah, so eat those grapes and feel the wrath of Mack Brown as you contemplate why you even bothered to attend the game, you crazy people of the detergent bubbles.
Hans: Hook ‘em, Horns, you magnificent Texas Longhorn fans!
Franz: Yah, Hook ‘em!!!
texastough said:
January 7th, 2010 at 7:53 am
Even the bubbly detergent is no match for a mudhole! HOOK ‘EM!
H-TownTsip said:
January 7th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Was there an article written above? All I saw was Cousin Carroll. She makes me feel funny inside.
Boddicker Is Clutch said:
January 7th, 2010 at 8:05 am
The only thing able to get my mind off the game for a moment. Awesome boobage.
Magnificent Bastard said:
January 7th, 2010 at 8:22 am
How about:
Franz: Yah, so listen to me and think about this tomorrow morning, The Mighty Texas Longhorns will send the puny, bubbling Tide people back to their in-bred state in a sad procession that will become known as the trail of elephant tears.
Bartoncreek said:
January 7th, 2010 at 8:48 am
Don’t know what it is about it, but that is the best picture in the history of the internets. I guess it’s the combination of beer, breasts, and all around goodness. Hell, even the two friends are good looking, but nobody has ever given them a second look.
That was the one thing that could take my mind off the game today. Thanks.
RF said:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Nice work, even beyond the pic of the German girl…
jc25 said:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Gold, Jerry, Gold!
I am of course talking about Cousin Carroll, but the rest was very good too.
nordberg said:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Is it just me, or has that German beer girl photo been photoshopped? I don’t remember her cans being THAT big.
Greg Davis said:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:14 am
OMG! Where did you get a copy of my game plan before the game! Those uniform washers are going to be working in Mexico before the day is over.
Brian Cushing said:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Watcha bench?
Costanza said:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Eyes, after what I just did, I think we’re now internet cousin-in-laws.
E said:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Didn’t Tre go to Carroll?
I hope he has an un-girly game tonight…
Huckleberry said:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Yeah, it’s photoshopped. The real one ain’t bad at all.