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False Start!

Posted by Vasherized on November 6th, 2009 under Football

I came across an unlikely statistic on a site called cfbstats.com, which sounds like a place Huckleberry goes when he wants to get away from it all.

Over the past five seasons Texas has led the nation by a good margin in forcing visiting teams into the collective missteps that fall under the guise of Illegal Procedure penalties: false start, delay of game, encroachment, etc.

How Cleve Bryant and his minions have failed in citing yet another #1 ranking for Texas to help paint a portrait of rabid gameday atmosphereosity at DKR is astounding. These are the kind of irrelevant statistics that four-pound media guides are made of.

                      {———————Visiting Team———————}

Home Team Games False Start Ill. Proc. Ill. Form. Encr. Offense Delay Game Total Per Game
Texas 29 77 1 1 0 19 104 3.59
Missouri 29 66 3 7 1 15 92 3.17
Utah 28 71 1 5 0 8 85 3.04
Miami (Fla) 30 59 2 10 2 17 94 2.94
Virginia Tech 32 61 3 13 0 17 94 2.94
Florida 31 47 5 14 1 21 88 2.84
Boise St. 30 48 15 5 0 17 85 2.83
Cal 30 59 4 4 1 16 84 2.80
Miss St. 30 50 5 4 0 24 83 2.77
Oklahoma 29 59 0 5 0 15 79 2.72

The natural conclusion would be that the deafening crowd noise at DKR prevents opposing QBs from communicating with their offensive lines. If you believe that, you probably also set an Outlook reminder for when Bill Little’s column is posted every week. The reality is that a healthy majority of our fans are cemetery quiet during stops in play, get easily distracted by heat, booze, and sweaty coeds; and flee for cocktails and AC during the third quarter. Texas Fan does a lot of things well such as selling out games, donating money, tailgating, and traveling for road games. But the ability to generate sustained, deafening noise like you hear in Eugene or Baton Rouge falls low on our list of positive attributes. So we can remove Intimidating Atmosphere from the list, unless you count Matthew McConaughey’s gay shenanigans as such.

Another theory would be that the level of competition we face in non-conference home game lies somewhere between St. Stephen’s Prep and a zoo of rescued Lemurs. (The Lemurs would win every time, except in Tennis). A lot of the athletes we’re playing against on ULM/UCF/UTEP/ULALA/A&M rosters have been causing penalties since the fifth grade –  by now they’re damn good at it. 

Our average margin of victory at DKR since the beginning of the 2005 season is 30 ppg. Throw out our paltry 10 ppg margin of victory in 2007 and that insulting figure jumps to 35 ppg. Looking at our home schedule, we simply don’t play many good teams. Incidentally, this is why some thoroughly average squads like NC State, Arkansas, A&M, and Kansas State have occasionally come in and beat us. A semi-competent, motivated team can waltz into Austin and steal a victory because the bulk of our non-conference competition comes here to cash a check and take an asswhipping. The typical September opponent shoots themselves in the foot early on then we hold the gun to their head while running away to a 54-10 victory. So the Epic Mismatch factor has some merit.  Mistakes beget more mistakes.

Another possibility that helps to corale this outlying statistic is that we simply play a lot more pass-oriented offenses who are more prone to false starts and delay of game penalties. Given a big deficit, as already evidenced, most visiting teams have to abandon the run in the second half. 2-star OG Kevyn Bergerson from Cuero eventually tires of getting mauled by guys like Roy Miller, Lamarr Houston, etc so he looks to get an early jump to delay the beating a second or two, thereby causing one of the 3.56 illegal procedure penalties his team will log that day. So the Abandoned Run Game theory also holds water.

Looking over the other teams on this list, the questions don’t stop here.

How does Miami come in fourth with it’s perpetually empty-at-kickoff Orange Bowl and average record? Perhaps because the opposing offensive lineman are squaring off against grown men that have already or will someday attend prison.

f russell maryland

The same question could be asked of Cal. We can only assume that the image of hippies chained to stadium-side trees since 2003 etches itself in the temporal lobe of opponents walking off the bus. This inevitably leads to internal debates on ethics, general disillusionment towards 21st century America, and what the average Offensive Tackle’s role in all this really is for at least the next 24 hours. Who are the real victims here? The hippies or the trees? False Start!

I needed a 1570 SAT score to be allowed in this tree.

Then you have the Mormons coming in strong at third place. As a religion, they’re used to that. Even in prison, Warren Jeffs has three wives. The only explanation for this ranking is the opponent’s innate desire to get out of creepy ass Salt Lake City as soon as possible.

HenryJames is from Utah. Just sayin’ …

The presence of Florida (The Swamp!), Mississippi State (fucking incessant cowbells), and Arkansas (screaming Cletus) makes sense on this list.

But not much else does. False start or false stat? Let ye carnies be the judge.

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25 Responses

  1. HenryJames said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Fear the Zou!

  2. Magnificent Bastard said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    I’m awaiting the inevitable tidal wave of “HenryJames is Mormon?!” posts.

  3. Mike Leach said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    It’s the referees from “Onion Creek,” Texas.

  4. Trips Right said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    I’d take 11 Kevyn Bergersons on my team.

  5. Art Vandelay said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Two words: Godzilla Tron!!

    Also, playing Tech and aTm every year doesn’t hurt.

  6. BrickHorn said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I’m awaiting the inevitable tidal wave of “HenryJames is Mormon?!” posts.

    I’ve read a lot of those posts, but they usually include one fewer “m” and no question mark.

  7. t1climb1 said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    I’ve read a lot of those posts, but they usually include one fewer “m” and no question mark.

    What’s an “ormon” Brickhorn?

  8. Scipio Tex said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    A Ormon is a charismatic lesbian financial planner.

  9. t1climb1 said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    A Ormon is a charismatic lesbian financial planner.

    Ohh I see. Yeah I could see labeling HJ as one of those.

  10. BrickHorn said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    You’re thinking of an “Orman.” Information about the Ormons can be found here: http://www.ormon.com/

  11. Art Vandelay said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Does HJ say Girlfriend a lot as well?

    t1climb1, you are such a henweigh.

  12. texoz said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I thought an Ormon was what you get when an Orc mates with a Mormon?

  13. UT_BKC said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Would our crowds be better if we sold alcohol at the stadium?

  14. Ricky said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Back on topic, the ‘pansy parade’ would explain Boise State’s place on the list and Utah’s to a slightly lesser degree. Florida usually doesn’t have a murder’s row for non-conf either and having Vandy on your sched every year is the Southeast’s version of Baylor.

    The Boise State Illegal Procedure number is also interesting and I think an aspect of playing teams full of guys who didn’t even play on the varsity in High School. The high Illegal Formation numbers for the teams from the Southeast must somehow be an indictment of the educational system in the Deep South, just not sure who’s stupid the players or the referees making the calls.

  15. Art Vandelay said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    We don’t want to stay on topic. It’s Friday afternoon before we play UCF. Plus Vasherized posted a picture from my worst nightmare. No it’s not the kissing HJ Suzes, it’s going back to January 1st, 1991.

  16. n-ea said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    The one thing that stands out to me is that all of those schools have very good coaches, though I would question Miss St. Anyways, it would make sense that when these teams travel, they bring the average down for their opponets home field and vice versa when that same opponent travels to their staduim.

    Generally, I think procedure penalties are a product of coaching. It would be interesting if these same teams show up in the lowest overall procedural penalties over the last 5 seasons regardless of location.

  17. The General said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    I think it has something to do with playing really shitty overmatched teams at home.

  18. Roach said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Since I’m in out of state, the only game I’ve been to at neo Jamal field at Daryl K Royal war memorial stadium at the University of Texas at Austin was Missouri last year, and it was unbelievably loud. Especially for someone who was at UT in the early 90’s–you know the days of the $5 HEB end zone ticket.

    There was a great echo harmonic frequency thing going on too. If only I remembered my acoustics analysis class I’m sure I could figure out what was going on.

    Due to the crappy BCS system and the unbalanced risk vs reward of scheduling tough non-conference games. Its no wonder DKR is a grave yard most of the time. Its like married sex –safe, easy and quiet enough to not wake the kids. Sure you could hook up with a stripper or a Kardashian (read Miami) and scream the night away, but you might wake up with an empty wallet, no clothes and a gift that keeps on giving.

    Until there is a playoff, or until UT needs to schedule big games to sell out the stadium, you might as well enjoy missionary.

  19. magnusbleuveigner said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Damn Art, nobody bit.

  20. Vasherized said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    Roach,

    enclosing the north endzone has certainly helped contain the sound. There are also 16k more warm bodies that can theoretically make loud noises.

    The Mizzou game was indeed loud as shit in the first half. One of the more enjoyable home games in the last decade.

  21. Art Vandelay said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    You are right Magnus.

    here goes…. About 3 pounds!!!!

    Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

  22. Vasherized said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    That maniacal laugh has reverberating powers that last the whole day.

    I tried it at the bank the other day. Not recommended.

  23. The Hairline of Wade Boggs said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    The Cal fan base is underrated. Went to the Cal – Stanford game in 2002 as the Tedford era was starting and snuck into the student section. It was insanely loud.

  24. Sailor Ripley said:

    November 6th, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    Cal has some noise. I usually hit a game there every Fall.

  25. AZHorn said:

    November 7th, 2009 at 1:21 am

    LSD and college football, that has to be good for a little extra noise.

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