Connect with your Facebook Account

• Contact

Football Articles

44

Clipper Cooper: Pleased To Be 8-0

Posted by Scipio Tex on November 3rd, 2009 under Football

Skanks!

I guess I should be grateful for our wins and our inevitable trip to the National Championship, but I truly believe the Cooper motto that, “Gratitude is the guilt of the unworthy.” Many of you are probably grateful for a lot of things in your lives, but you’re probably something ridiculous, like a pediatrician or a librarian.

There has been a lot going on in the Clip’s life. Did Winged Foot. Short game working. Addressed the ball like I was talking to my gardner. Liked my hip coil through the first nine. Got a bullshit break on 14 when my caddy displaced air during my backswing – wrote in a 2 because I knew I was going to dance it on the lip. My foot accidentally caught my ball on 16 and sent it in the hole. Epic! It’s not cheating. By the rules, my foot is just an obstacle that my ball encountered, no different than a tree branch or a water fowl. Is a 77 good?

I’m pleased about the Oklahoma victories, mostly because Gundy reminds me of a salesman at the Home Theater Store who sold me a shitty warranty. Not that I keep track of those. If you could snip out Oklahoma and tighten the edges of the US, by pushing in on Washington, Maine, and Florida all at once – like a Buenos Aires plastic surgeon – then Dallas would be much closer to our cabin in Aspen. So I resent that state a lot.

As for Missouri – what is Missouri? Does anyone even think of Missouri? Missouri. I don’t even understand that place’s concept.

Every state has characteristics that we all know by immediate word association:

Maryland – Humid Lacrosse Trash
New York – Katie Couric!
Mississippi – Natural Servants
Vermont – Hackeysack Armpit Stench
Florida – Gator Cuban Jew Snorkeling

Missouri? Nothing. Blank. Anything that can’t be labeled and dismissed quickly is troubling to a Cooper.

Another Cooper motto is “When life brings you lemonade, no need to squeeze lemons.”

It means that when life gives you lemonade – in this case, actual lemonade brought by a Honduran man on a veranda – drink it, throw the glass into the outdoor fireplace, and then demand more. With some gin in it. And quickly! Say it with urgency as Latins are a drowsy people.

My secretary was reading my me e-mail today (sometimes I have her copy it out longhand first – Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!) and I decided to create synergy for our engineering group. The same assholes that revolted when I got them AOL accounts. Idiots.

After I did that, they put up pictures of my mugshot from the Dallas Morning News in their cubicles from when I had my DUI misunderstanding, weapons charges (are you seriously telling me that a sword cane is a weapon?), and violation of the Mann Act. It’s a good thing that cocaine dissolves in bourbon! And in vaginas. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

I thought the engineers were being supportive with my picture everywhere, but Daddy thought differently: “Goddamnit son, they don’t respect you. You were born on 3rd base and think you hit a triple.” Whatever. What does that even mean? That I hit for power and have good speed both? Thanks!

And if I have so many “advantages” and my team is so badass, why am I still standing on third? Shouldn’t someone have batted me in? Maybe they’ve tried. Maybe they keep hitting sacrifice flies, but I refuse to tag up and run home. Ha ha ha ha! OMG, what a fucking money move. I just stand there, bored and disinterested, blowing on my nails while my manager screams. I’m a legend. And Dad’s analogies suck.

Anyhoo. Back to the engineers. When I found that Cooper Industrique had a department of math monkeys, I offered the obvious suggestion: an undersea railroad from Santa Barbara to Kauai. They were all like, “But data blah blah blah empirical blah blah blah impossible blah blah logic blah blah blah ocean floor” and so I made fun of their accents until they left.

My surprise Board of Directors presentation was CLASSIC!

Fourteen slides. 32 point Helvetica font. Each slide transition had a side effect like a car screeching or a dog barking.

Slide 1 Cooper Indistrique!
Slide 2 Innovation?
Slide 3 Yes!
Slide 4 Win!
Slide 5 Paradigm Synergy!
Slide 6 Santa Barbara skyline
Slide 7 Man leading a polo pony into a luxury train compartment
Slide 8 Man gazes from window at colorful fish and a mermaid woman (flowing hair covers tits – some undertit though)
Slide 9 Hula dancers (heavy use of sidetit)
Slide 10 Subservient Polynesian man offering a cocktail
Slide 11 Picture of plane – subtitle: THE PLANE TRUTH
Slide 12 Depiction of Andes cannibalism by rugby team near plane wreckage
Slide 13 World Trade Center
Slide 14 Buddy Holly, Valens, Big Bopper

(Lights come up)

SPEECHLESS. TransPacific Ocean Railroad now a reality.

While the enginners ignore my vision, they spend their day honking on about “supply chain” with thousands of tedious e-mails. Nice. Our engineers spend all day sending chain mail while not a single Chinaman has driven a spike on my railroad. There’s nothing worse than chain mail. The pressure to act, the shit they hold over your head: Forward this to five people you love or you will have back luck! First, who could actually love five people? And a Cooper makes his own luck with his inheritance.

What other shit is going on in my awesome life that you would barely understand?

I’ve come to grips with the fact that Brooke has an eating disorder. She’s eating five times a week now. I’m not sure how you address that sort of gluttony. I’m trying to be supportive, but there’s only so often that I can belittle her in front of others to get her weight down from 112 pounds. Is a 5 foot 7 inch girl at risk of heart disease carrying that sort of weight? At some point, everyone that she is embarrassing needs to sit down in a Ritz Carlton lobby, bring her in, and say,” Listen Brooke, you’re a pudge. A fat size 2 at best. We care for you. But that’s the truth. Lay off the celery. Do you think Metamucil doesn’t have calories? Let’s get serious about beating this thing.”

Then they should text me and let me know how it went.

That’s how I feel about this Longhorn football season. The remaining teams we play will fold as neatly as a cardigan. Text me when it’s the Rose Bowl and we’re playing the SEC rubes who will come to understand that we are their natural masters.

Article Tags:

, ,

More from this Barker


Share This

  • StumbleUpon

44 Responses

  1. jc25 said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    The man, the myth, the legend.

  2. Bert said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    E.P.I.C.

    Still laughing.

  3. raoulduke said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Man. That makes me laugh. Often.

  4. Steve Nebraska said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    You’d think the Coopers could have kept that DUI misunderstanding out of the Dallas Morning News. Obviously an oversight, for which I’m sure someone was fired.

  5. Mike Cook said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    “Gratitude is the guilt of the unworthy.”

    “The same assholes that revolted when I got them AOL accounts.”

    “First, who could actually love five people? And a Cooper makes his own luck with his inheritance.”

    I sit in my ergonomically designed office chair in awe. LEGENDARY.

  6. texoz said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I need a literary sherpa to get in and out of that epic.

    If you don’t earn $$ making stuff up, you should.

  7. Veritas said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    What texoz said. You truly have a gift. Wow. Still laughing at the gratitude line…

  8. Sundance01 said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    I never really post here, but I had to leave a note of congratulations to Scipio. That was absolutely fantastic.

  9. hornshornshorns said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    “‘You were born on 3rd base and think you hit a triple.’ Whatever. What does that even mean? That I hit for power and have good speed both? Thanks!”

    “I offered the obvious suggestion: an undersea railroad from Santa Barbara to Kauai. They were all like, ‘But data blah blah blah empirical blah blah blah impossible blah blah logic blah blah blah ocean floor’ and so I made fun of their accents until they left.”

    INCREDIBLE.

  10. charlie varrick said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Is Clipper any kin to Claude Cooper?

  11. magnusbleuveigner said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Man that cat needs a reality show. You think he’d save some stories for his autobiography.

    I need to know who was in that foursome at Winged Foot.

  12. BatesHorn said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    My coworkers want to know why I’m standing in my office doing a slow clap.

    The gratitude line is now in my lexicon.

  13. nordberg said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    About eight different phrases from that piece are now in my lexicon.

  14. cincinnatus said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I can’t wait for a Texas-Florida BCS game so we can finally hear Clipper’s take on his cousin, Florida WR Riley Cooper (”of the Shitflinging Cooper’s”), and what Riley has told him about his roommate Tim Tebow …

  15. lazer2280 said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I am going say, before reading this, that I am going to enjoy it. Let me go close my office door first…..

  16. blackscholes said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    If Tucker Max can score a book deal, then Clipper should be a NY Times bestseller.

  17. Meekrob said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Best Cooper piece yet, easily. The amount of creativity on display is mind boggling. I assume the only reason you aren’t a professional humorist is because you don’t want to be.

  18. lazer2280 said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    I was right. Well done.

  19. The General said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    After I did that, they put up pictures of my mugshot from the Dallas Morning News in their cubicles from when I had my DUI misunderstanding, weapons charges (are you seriously telling me that a sword cane is a weapon?), and violation of the Mann Act. It’s a good thing that cocaine dissolves in bourbon! And in vaginas. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

    This is the best paragraph in the Cooper series. Sword cane had me holding my kidney in laughter pain. Cocaine’s solubility in bourbon and female genitalia is hilarious. The subtle inclusion of the Mann Act (I was once read the Mann Act by the insane father of a girl I dated in high school. Real awkward.) is what really put you over the top.

  20. AZHorn said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    “Say it with urgency as Latins are a drowsy people.”

    I hope that line making me laugh as hard as it did doesn’t mean I’m racist.

  21. Doperbo said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Well done!

    Equating the liquidation of Oklahoma with liposuction is such a natural, instinctual leap. It’s amazing it hasn’t been made before.

  22. Doperbo said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Oh and you’re going to hell for the Alabama- Natural Servant bit.

  23. parlin said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    My favorite part: after Clipper deploys the second family motto he helpfully glosses it for the reader, who is obviously too stupid to understand anything concerning lemonade.

    Well worth the wait.

  24. EyesOfTX said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I don’t even know how to address this kind of genius. Epic.

    Hook ‘em!!!

  25. torre said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    The King has returned.

  26. hopefulhorn said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Welcome back, Clip.

    Missed ya’.

  27. The Chunnel said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    It CAN be done, Cooper. Keep fighting the good fight and I look forward to a Chinaman driving that first spike..

  28. CrazyJoeDavola said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Weird. I’d figured Coop would be a Comic Sans guy.

  29. ChicagoTTU said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Someone’s gotta get on that Power Point Slideshow… Reminiscent of “Step Brothers”…

  30. Super said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    The Zen of Entitlement. Outstanding work.

  31. AeroHorn said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    I have seen Clipper-isque tendencies in some marketing droids that rise too far up the executive chain bringing under them whole swaths of engineering teams. Their ideas are so hilariously moronic.

  32. Looney said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Outfuckingstanding. Keep it coming, it was worth the wait

  33. Blueshorn said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    You are seriously talented. Twisted, but talented.

  34. wherethefuckisnate said:

    November 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    If only woody bombay would admit that you’re doing a great Bush II impersonation.

    “While the enginners ignore my vision, ”

    Spellcheck, skank.

  35. Arvind said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 1:09 am

    “What other shit is going on in my awesome life that you would barely understand?”

    Outstanding stuff. I was compelled to post for the first time and genuflect at your literary genius. It wont be long before a book agent comes knocking on your door, mark my words Sir.

  36. sportsjesus said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 6:58 am

    It’s a good thing that cocaine dissolves in bourbon! And in vaginas.

    Marv Albert approves this message.

  37. goosehorn said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 8:09 am

    I get onto BC hoping that I get to be called a skank waay too often. I simply crave Clipper.

    “Slide 12 Depiction of Andes cannibalism by rugby team near plane wreckage”

    Win.

  38. Live Bait said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Gotta hope that the Clip will be bringing his unique brand of synergized insight to the upcoming basketball season.

    There’s no doubt in my mind that the man learns more about the basketball team during the last 5 minutes of the first half that he spends in Cooper Industrique’s block of courtside seats than a mere non-Cooper could divine from an entire game spent in the mezzanine.

  39. Live Bait said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 10:17 am

    From the Winged Foot home page (reprinted from Country Club Magazine):

    “Winged Foot, the mere mention of the name
    immediately conjures up an image of authority,
    of a certain respect shared by golfers the world
    over.”

    “To say that Winged Foot is great would be understating. It has a
    sense of nobility, a majesty, if you will. It has two of the world’s greatest
    golf courses and a clubhouse to match, and into whose past is woven
    some of the greatest moments in golf. ”

    Now, substitute the words “Winged Foot” with “Clipper Cooper”.

    Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

  40. Homesick Alien said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    How does Clipper feel about the tradeoff between having the thin Trophy Girl and the stank bulimia breath?

    That was inspired, by the way.

  41. hornbymarriage said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Best…Clip…Evar!

  42. java said:

    November 4th, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Excellent work. Your creative genius is inspired.

  43. TexShoe said:

    November 5th, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Does Clipper Cooper know Tucker Max?

  44. JP said:

    January 16th, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Had to come back and read it once more. True genius.
    Thank you Scipio.

Leave a Reply

Follow Us

Related Articles

Hot Forum Topics

Activity

  • Nate Heupel commented on the blog post Because We’re Dedicated To Doing Stupid Things – Tiny Gallon Reportedly Took Payout   5 seconds ago

    Patrick,

    Unless you’re completely retarded, you know precisely what I meant. The closest any Big 12 team has gotten to winning the infamous Fuller Cup is the 2007 Texas squad. I can’t remember a team being that horribly undisciplined as a whole aside from the insane OU teams of the 80’s. That’s not

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley wrote a new blog post: This Is Sparta!   12 minutes ago

    Please make yourself welcome and Adam will be by shortly to keep you up to date on all Michigan State Spartan happenings.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   16 minutes ago

    I suppose anyone could be your “favorite Longhorn basketball player” but Ford did more than just about anyone…although Durant is clearly better. Ford’s supporting cast was better than Durant’s in his sophomore year. Durant’s had more talent (Augustin, James, Abrams) but Ford’s was more developed (Boddicker, Ivey, Mouton, Thomas) and had worked with him for

  • Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton?   23 minutes ago

    Crazy Joe, your thoughts intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton?   26 minutes ago

    This notion of Hamilton as being a disaster area on defense is all a bit much. He rebounds extremely well which, if it wasn’t obvious, is extremely important in this game since it secures possession of the basketball. Winning in basketball is achieved through the scoring of baskets and it’s necessary to possess the basketball

  • Ojnab Bob commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember   36 minutes ago

    I posted earlier about how Collins’ effort just crippled Kansas today, but what amazed me the most was his complete inability to stay in front of his man on defense. UNI got a LOT of good looks out of penetration/pass after one of UNI’s modestly gifted athletes blew right by Sherron. The best

  • Scipio Tex wrote a new blog post: Best Opening Round I Can Remember   1 hour, 48 minutes ago

    At least it’s shaping up that way if Sunday delivers.

    As disappointed as I was in last year’s opening weekend of March Madness, this one is exceeding all expectations. Putting aside the fact that my bracket now resembles Kabul after the Taliban rolled through in ‘96 – a map of ordered failure –

  • J commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three   2 hours, 15 minutes ago

    Thanks for the kind words, Trips.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • J commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three   2 hours, 16 minutes ago

    You know who’s bitter and angry as fuck? This guy —> ME.

    I can only hope our returning players (whoever that may be) remember this and realize they need to play motivated EVERY FUCKING GAME and put forward 40 MINUTES of effort each game.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Raoul Duke commented on the blog post Rumor Alert–TMG   2 hours, 47 minutes ago

    Kid seems like a fantastic collegiate player. I haven’t seen any NBA info. Is he a legit prospect?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Raoul Duke commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three   2 hours, 54 minutes ago

    Tough day for Sherron on O and D.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • GoHornsGo90 commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton?   3 hours, 38 minutes ago

    To leave or stay?

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   3 hours, 39 minutes ago

    KSU moving on led by a hot shooting Pullen. BTW, White Mormons can shoot FTs. 22 for 25, I think. Imagine if we could shoot like that.

    Wake’s coming back on Kentucky. They’re within 25 right now…..

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three   3 hours, 57 minutes ago

    Just wanted to say I feel for you guys. As a Texas fan I know how this feels even if it’s from a football perspective.

    I still think you’re the best basketball team in the country, and unfortunately you ran into a team that packed a Villanova circa 1985 type game today. Meaning they

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   4 hours, 7 minutes ago

    Wow. Wake won’t break 50. Not surprising really — we should have beaten Wake and they are not a very good team.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   4 hours, 12 minutes ago

    Kentucky doing their best to beat Wake by half hundred. Close call….

  • RRR wrote a new blog post: Survive and Advance   4 hours, 16 minutes ago

    We really struggled in the first half, but battled through it to get a tough win against Jacksonville.  On to Oxford!

     Forget what conference they play in, Jacksonville is a very good basketball team, and they got to Lubbock not because of a crazy bank shot at the buzzer in Phoenix, but by playing aggressive, intense defense for

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”http://tortillaretort.fantake.com/1969/12/31/” });

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   4 hours, 33 minutes ago

    The shamrock is on his left shoulder. The Griffin looking thing is on his right.

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   4 hours, 42 minutes ago

    Everytime I see a Gumbel brother I think of “Gumbel to Gumbel”

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   4 hours, 55 minutes ago

    Kentucky starting to pile on Wake. That would have been our fate…..

    KSU just killing the Mormons on the glass…

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 22 minutes ago

    10 point lead for the Mormons again…

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 37 minutes ago

    This is the first-time Frank Martin has ever met a Mormon who wasn’t on a bicycle.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 41 minutes ago

    Does that mean he gets to pick his wives first???

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 42 minutes ago

    BYU starts a 2-time Utah “Mr. Basketball.” Everything about that sentence kills me.

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 44 minutes ago

    The Hickory High Polygamists.

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 44 minutes ago

    BTW — is that a white power tattoo on Sasquatch’s right shoulder.

    Or is it one of those “native american” side of the van spray paint jobs? Either way it’s better than Luke Walton’s dancing bear.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 45 minutes ago

    Could be a day of mourning for the state of Kansas????

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 45 minutes ago

    Good be a day of mourning for the state of Kansas????

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 46 minutes ago

    Sasquatch!

    By the way, BYU is running a white out and is up 10 – 0 on K-State.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition   5 hours, 48 minutes ago

    WOLVERINE!