Fishing out a last cold beer,
Freezing my hands diggin’ round in here,

I know better than to be behind a wheel,
Hangin’ in the back tryin’ to get the feel

Cotton flyin’ past on the passenger side,
Moving fast and passing wide

Settlin’ in and thinkin’ ‘bout you
I got me the too drunk to drive to Snyder blues

Low hung moon, guiding a path
An hour to go, doing the math

Rosanne Cash on the stereo,
Her daddy’s proud, and she must know

Music’s a comfort,
But it’s not a companion

Settlin’ in and thinkin’ ‘bout you
I got me the too drunk to drive to Snyder blues

Texas A&M 52
Texas Tech 30

Let’s review. Texas Tech 66, Kansas State 14. Kansas State 62, Texas A&M 14. Texas A&M 52, Texas Tech 30. Thus ends perhaps the most bizarre three-week set of results I have ever seen. I have nothing left to say…other than that, if you need to use the bathroom on game day in Lubbock, then Jimmy John’s sandwich shop on Broadway is a poor choice. The men’s room is across the restaurant and you have to walk the length of the counter the get there. Jimmy John’s corporate culture dictates that the staff members present a pleasant face and ask you immediately how they may assist you. Being easily shamed, this costs me $1.46 for an iced tea, which, of course, guaranteed a return visit, since refills were both free and, as Al Gore ably demonstrated, guaranteed additional restroom breaks. May the circle be unbroken.

Alabama blocked a Tennessee field goal to survive a 12-10 offensive juggernaut against the Vols. Whichever Tiffin kid is currently kicking for the Tide had four field goals of his own to keep the Tide afloat. I was starting to think this Alabama team looked like the 1993 Alabama team. Today I think they look more like the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes.

Speaking of the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes, their perfectly average quarterback, Ricky Stanzi, saved them again by hitting a touchdown strike with zeroes on the clock to take down Michigan State, 15-13.

A long interception return for a touchdown kept Mississippi State in the game against Florida (Tim Tebow, being faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive, oddly enough did not tackle the defensive back. Puzzling.) Urban Meyer’s more advanced collection of college students put away his protégé, Dan Mullen, 29-19, pulling away in the second-half. Mississippi State did make it interesting with a second late pick six. The Bulldogs had 120 interception return yards and 92 rushing yards

Texas played typical defense and atypical offense, rolling Missouri 41-7. It appears someone on the medical staff gave Colt McCoy a B-12 shot and some Emergen-C pre-game. It’s hard when little ones get sick. They do make us worry so.

TCU clobbered BYU in Provo, 38-7. Frog quarterback Andy Dalton clearly outplayed the more celebrated (for some reason) Max Hall. Of course, Dalton didn’t face the TCU defense, which accounts for much of the difference. TCU plays like an SEC team, absent the five-star skill position players and the recruiting violations.

By the way, there are those among the Texas fans who dislike their Texas Tech counterparts. I am not among them. I like the Tech fans. Always have. The scene is even better now that they have the whole pirate thing going.

Nebraska thoroughly dominated Iowa State and only lost 9-6. How’s eight turnovers sound for the Cornhuskers? Compelling? No? How about four turnovers inside the Cyclone five yard line? Bless their hearts.

Oregon State gave it their best shot again versus USC—and did roll up over 400 yards of offense—but Troy prevailed 42-36, keyed by a beautiful Damian Williams punt return for a TD.

Clemson played their best game of the season, with pocket rocket C.J. Spiller going over 300 yards from scrimmage, equally distributed among running, receiving and a 90-yard kickoff return. The Tigers upset Miami 40-37 in overtime.

Oklahoma picked off Todd Reesing on the game’s first three possessions on the way to routing Kansas, 35-13. Reesing can’t do it all for the Jayhawks. On a day when he hurts, rather than helps, then KU is really in for it. Oklahoma State, for their part, crushed Baylor, 34-7, to set up the Halloween night death match with Texas.

Oregon plays its own Halloween special next Saturday, hosting USC. The Ducks, firing on all cylinders, routed Washington, 43-19.

Terrelle Pryor is adequately ticked off. Ohio State 38, Minnesota 7, as Wunderkind passed for 2000 and ran for 100.

Penn State looked like they were in a different class than Michigan, which, in fact, they are; the Nitts just haven’t always played like it this season. Beloved Old Coach 35, Reviled Young Coach 10.

LSU crushed Auburn 31-10. This was the Lousiana Tigers most complete effort of the season.

Georgia Tech executed an 18-play TD drive, taking, get this, 10:42 off the clock, which was by far the most interesting aspect of a 34-9 throttling of Virginia.

South Carolina beat Vanderbilt 14-10, with Vandy’s lone TD coming on a kick-off return. Once you get up a touchdown on Vanderbilt, victory is pretty much assured. The Commodore offense is bad even by SEC standards.

Boise State played Hawaii late. My trusty carrier pigeon, Williford, informs me that they were successful. Really successful – 54-9. That’s more like it.

Houston handled Southern Money, 38-15.

West Virginia outlasted UConn with a pall over the stadium after the tragic murder of UConn defensive back Jasper Howard. WVU 28, UConn 24…not that the result matters much in the grand scheme of things.

Cincinnati makes a specialty out of winning with back-up quarterbacks. Last week’s Thursday night hero, Zach Collaros, turned the trick again in a 41-10 runaway against Louisville. Also in the Big East, fast-rising Pitt (7-1 and 16th in the AP), blasted South Florida, 41-14. South Florida swoons as predictably as a middle-aged accountant meeting Catherine Zeta-Jones at a Sarbanes-Oxley conference (or as reliably as Michigan State, take your pick).

This year’s Utah squad, not nearly as talented as last year’s, keeps winning regardless, this week a 23-16 overtime escape against Air Force. Air Force attempted ten passes, which was ten more than Navy attempted in a 13-10 win over Wake Forest. Army, for their part, attempted nine passes against Rutgers, completing two, in a 27-10 loss. These wide open offenses our future military leaders are running make me a bit uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable, my tour of Texas football ended yesterday at Cowboy Stadium, aka, the Jerry Jones Ego Monument. The stadium represents a modern illustration of most of the seven deadly sins, heavy on the avarice, vainglory and gluttony. As an added benefit to the captive audience, they throw in soft-core pornography. This must be how the Romans felt. No thanks.

Impressive Showing of the Week: TCU

1. Texas

2. Alabama

3. Florida

4. Cincinnati

5. USC

6. TCU

7. Iowa: Life ain’t fair; I get it.

8. Oregon: Yes, over Boise State. See above.

9. LSU

10. Georgia Tech

Boise State is eleven.