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Sam Bradford’s Press Conference

Posted by Doperbo on October 22nd, 2009 under Football

It’s been reported that Sam Bradford canceled his afternoon press conference yesterday in order to “gather more information” before reaching a decision. We’ve been provided a transcript from the exchange.

Good afternoon some of you. Are there any questions?

Where is Sam Bradford?

That’s a stupid question. Anyone else?

We were told he would be announcing his decisions around surgery and discussing his future this afternoon, is he really not here?…

“We were told. We were told. Meh meh meh.” God that’s annoying. I was told I’d win 5 National Championships when I signed that paper Mephistopheles gave me. You think that’s fair? He was supposed to be a fundamental daemon and execute the scheme of the contract. I think it speaks to effort, and his follow-through is for shit. I’ve got a chess set made out of Big 12 championship trophies and can’t win another BCS game to save my fucking life. Literally. The point is I’m not whining about it. That’s what makes me a real man… what’s your name again?

Margaret

Well Barbara you need to learn to deal with disappointment and move on. It’s tiring listening to you. In fact why don’t you turn around and face the back of the room for the rest of the interview. Just go on and turn around. That’s it.

But..

Just turn around. Turn it. Turn it. Turn it. Turn it on around. Turn it. That’s it. Turn it. All the way. Quit looking over your shoulder. There you go. You face that way from now on. Go ahead and stare at that wall. Any other questions?

Do you have any updates on the status of Sam’s shoulder?

He has a minor sprain, as I’ve told you repeatedly. It’s a sprain and it’s minor. A minor sprain. Minor. Sprain. Minor…. Sprain….. Minor. Two words. Sounds like …. Guy with a pickaxe…. Yes good. Good. Good. Miner. Last word. Sounds like. Water falling around. Rain, yes. Miner…. sounds like rain. This is me doing charades for you retards so you’ll get it. Minor Sprain! Perfect , you in the back. Nice hair piece. Okay, Everyone write that down. Minor Sprain. Jesus.

Will he come back this season?

We haven’t ruled out his return this season, we’ll have to work with the team docs and see where we are heading into next week. We’re going to take it a day at a time. Day by day. See where we are. One day at a time. We’re just happy to be here. Give our best, all that. We want to do what’s best for Sam. That’s our only real goal here. Do whatever is in his best interest. Players come first. Yada Yada. Looking out for Sam. Make sure you write all that down.

Have you any word from Dr. Andrews in Alabama regarding his condition?

Who?

James Andrews, the orthopedist. In Alabama. Best shoulder guy in the world. You know who I’m talking about. I know you do.

Maybe I know the guy, maybe I don’t. There are a lot of guys named Andrews, maybe I know this one. Maybe he’s a smart guy. Maybe some smart guys think they know what a shoulder is supposed to look like on the inside. Maybe they’re right, who’s to say. It’s hard to say sometimes. What’s supposed to happen. Everyone is different. This guy gets into his car and it starts up just fine. This other guy finds 6 pounds of C4 strapped to his fuel tank. Who knew? What’s normal for some people isn’t for others. That’s all I’m saying. Crazy world.

Are you suggesting that Dr. Andrews… wait what are you suggesting exactly?

I’m not suggesting anything. Shoulders are complicated. Sometimes complications happen around complicated things. That’s all I’m saying. Look, you turn around too. I’m tired of you. Turn around and stare at the back of Margery’s head. Turn it. Turn it. Don’t make me come down there. Turn around. That’s better. Are there any other questions from the people that are facing me?

Do you have any detailed information on the state of his injury you can share with us, any facts or anything at all?

I suppose you’re omniscient, aren’t you. You can understand everything in the universe. You can understand the acromioclavicular joint better than anyone who ever lived. You could draw one and sign it backwards, because you’re Leonardo freaking Da Vinci. Come on up here and draw us a shoulder on the dry erase board, Leo. Dazzle us all. Let’s see the whole apparatus. Show us the clavicle and the perspex and the doohickey and all that crap. Get up here. No? No? Why are you crying? Get up here. That’s what I thought. I think you better turn it on around.

Any more questions? No? Noboby?

Bye.

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11 Responses

  1. magnusbleuveigner said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Worse ending?

    Aeneas Williams concussing my boy Steve Young and ending his days as a Niner? Or, Aaron Williams taking out Bradford?

    The corner blitz can be a mofo.

    Bradford has already lost millions, I don’t think he’ll be foolish enough to turn down more millions. He came back to win a championship, next years team isn’t going to do it even if he comes back good as new.

  2. Trips Right said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Genius. Because it’s plausible.

  3. triplehorn said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 9:50 am

    “Bradford has already lost millions, I don’t think he’ll be foolish enough to turn down more millions. He came back to win a championship, next years team isn’t going to do it even if he comes back good as new.”

    It begs the question of why Bradford reneged on his presser. Just speculating, but I suspect Bradford does have his mind made up. The presser wouldn’t have been formally announced to begin with if he didn’t already have a pretty solid idea of what was going to happen -probably even pre-ou loss to Texas. If that’s the case, you have to ask who all it benefits for him to postpone a formal announcement and how that decision may have been influenced.

  4. Levander Williams said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Excellent.

    Trips is right – the parody and the reality are beginning to converge.

  5. Sailor Ripley said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 10:14 am

    I see Bob Stoops malaproping his way to using omnivorous in lieu of omniscient.

  6. lazer2280 said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Only thing that could have made it more believable is if he had visor-slapped someone.

  7. The General said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Houndsight is 30/30, Sailor.

  8. Scipio Tex said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    This was genius. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your writing inspiration of late.

  9. burntorangehorn said:

    October 22nd, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    “I was told I’d win 5 National Championships when I signed that paper Mephistopheles gave me.”

    Assuming Bobby Boy promised his soul as part of the bargain, I’d say this isn’t an enforceable contract, for lack of consideration.

  10. Bevo said:

    October 28th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I know-the guy with the hairpiece -code for the Coach from Oklahoma.Psych!

  11. Barking Carnival — Blog — Thoughts on the Inept Handling of Sam Bradford said:

    November 22nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    [...] For the print media’s version of the Sam’s Canceled Press Conference check out this tran… [...]

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