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Fun With GameDay Texting

Posted by Scipio Tex on September 24th, 2009 under Football

The AgAssist text system is one of Bill Byrne’s brilliant brainstorms developed to deal with Kyle Field’s Old Testament critter plagues (crickets, bats, ear mites, otters, mastodons…) general stadium complaints (quality of Aggie football) or safety issues (Bill Byrne within 50 yards of an elementary school).

Witness its ease of use and monetized fee structure!

Guests who wish to report issues and concerns, or call for assistance in a fast, easy and convenient way can do so by texting our AgASSIST text message service. Send your text to 97178 with the word AgASSIST followed by your issue and location. Stadium personnel will respond quickly and accordingly. Standard text messaging rates apply.

I can’t speak to its efficacy as it was devised by a man who can’t create a hyperlink and writes at a 6th grade level, but if my Longhorn, Big 12, and college football brethren don’t ritually abuse this system on Saturday, then my faith in Man has been inexorably shaken.

Some suggested gameday texts:

this jim ed…am releasing so many scorpionz to kill cricketz – your welcome

aggie band member violated me w/ piccolo in south concourse men’s bathroom…ok to smoke there?

I WILL FIGHT ANY WOMAN @ KYLE FIELD FOR INTERGENDER WORLD TITLE, WHO WANTS HER CROTCH KICKED?

question: anthrax would kill bats, right? just asking. no real reason. hahaha!

85 scholarships. One cup.

Coach Sherman, this is Todd from Arp! I have an awesome play idea! Meet me in nine minutes on the railroad tracks.

I JUST SAW LEE GRIMES CLOG A TOILET IN THE WOMEN’s BATHROOM HIS TURD WRAPPED THE BOWL LIKE A COBRA BUT THERE IS NO FLUTE THAT WILL MAKE IT RISE

person in sec 41, row 18 not swaying w Ag spirit – will stab her in liver w housekey unless you say otherwise – CB: 281-445-1099

MR BYRNE NO THIS IS NOT THE BEST CORN DOG I HAVE EVER HAD YOUR SIGN ASSURES ME THAT IT WOULD BE I WISH FOR RECOMPENSE

hi…lol…wut r u doin? cum over ltr? u r hot…i drunk…who this…lol

11122221212122 skynet @ agassist initiatehumaneradicationsequence 1111221212212212122122

Jerrod Johnson here. On 24 X Flow Z Cross, is my first key the strong safety after the TE drags? It’s 3rd and Goal and you’ve got like twenty seconds to get back to me…

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72 Responses

  1. Trips Right said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Your mind is a wonderland.

  2. BEHorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    SpiderAg gonna be FILLIN’ Dollar Bill’s text system

  3. BrickHorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Bravo, sir. Bra-vo!

  4. TaylorTRoom said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    “There is a sheep being slaughtered on tier 2, and they say we need to use the blood to mark our door frames so the angel of death will pass over and not kill our first born sons. Shouldn’t that be announced on the jumbotron?”

  5. Scipio Tex said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Good one Taylor.

    I demand more. nordberg should be good for at least three good ones.

  6. Sailor Ripley said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Paging Doperbo.

  7. BrickHorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    wuzzaaaaaaapppp? lol. this is fran. call me.

    There’s like twenty guys wearing trash bags for pants in our section. Are the aliens or somethin?

    hey i found a sick bat on my seat. can i keep it?

    Trapped in middle of aisle and too fat to escape. Require immediate sustenance. Send 2 Cokes and a basket of delicious new First-and-Ten Nachos post haste or will die of hunger.

    Can you help me with this?

  8. BrickHorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    That last one should read “Hey. It’s Tate. Can u help me with this?”

  9. Scipio Tex said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    hey i found a sick bat on my seat. can i keep it?

    —–

    Nicely done sir. And the trash bag pants never gets old.

  10. CrazyJoeDavola said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    “we r at the club where r u clpper is here an hes tot hoping to c u he broke up w that skank brook he needs suport”

    “mr byrne pleas enter my vote for Kris he’s a good christin and so cute unlike that fag gaywad adam”

    “there is a man in a truck in the parking lot and hes talking about how much he liked the movie Little Man Tate and he has no pants on pls send corps”

  11. dedfischer said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    art, here. $3.2 and it’s a done deal.

  12. dedfischer said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    i’m in for $1.5, kevin.

  13. Fritz said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    My BF says AgASSIST is said like aghast LOL

  14. nordberg said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    “If the bats eat the crickets, then we’re supposed to eat the bats, right?”

    “Lost in bowels of stadium. Please call Barbara. -GHWB”

  15. Capt. Insano said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Pure Excellence.

  16. BrickHorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    moths r eating my sweater. it tickles. shoulda worn wool undies. lmao!

  17. bighornfan32 said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    “We have situation in sec 23. 2%er refuses to uncover.”

    “An elderly fellow needs ‘squeeze ags’ assistance”

  18. Nik said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    “If I kiss my cousin after a touchdown then immediately drink bourbon, does that wash off the incest?”

  19. dedfischer said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    it places the lotion on the skin.

  20. eskimohorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    “if u feel bad bout kissin ur 3rd cousin, then stop countin them”

    “Where do i pay Perry for my Regents position?”

    “I just got teboned in the end zone!”

  21. Fake Army of One said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    “I think I squeezed too hard, need clean up here…k thx bai”

  22. Capt. Obvious said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Have these asshats ever tried to send a text during a football game? Who came up with this system? I would have better luck with smoke signals.

  23. Sean Salisbury's iPhone said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Sup gurl, this is Sean Salisbury. What do u think of my junk?

  24. HenryJames said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    “A bonfire fell on me.”

    /too soon?

  25. nordberg said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    “Heey i heard the party was here lol good to be back! nattyism: need more natty lite lol… now where are those fucking keys….” -BCG

  26. TxAgswin said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    sec 313 row 21. bat stuck in mullet. need mayo.

    hey billy. it’s javorskie. need a hanky and bucket o wings in sec. 110. can u hook it up?

    does this chick in front of me qaulify 4 obstructed view? discount appreciated.

    does nazi rally constitute safety hazard? sec. 102, 103, 104, 107, and half of 109. all rows. they all look same, you’ll know when you get here. strangely, some have musical instruments. extreme caution suggested.

    If you can’t make fun of yourself…

    Gig ‘em.

  27. ponderos said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    All natural male enhancement, your girlfriend rike!

  28. Woody Bombay said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    uab fans in s. end zone look reddy to jump on field. i happy 2 help. pls advise. tnx, greg hood

  29. Vasherized said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Got hardware? Sincerely, Aggie Archery, Bassfishing, and Women’s Track Teams. Triple Hahahahahaaa!!

    Sherm here. Take the under and UAB cover parlay. 5 units. Direct deposit with performance review bonus.

    Reveille VII’s bodyguard here. Need to piss real bad. Game is out of hand…dog doesn’t give a shit. Permission to urinate?

    yagsisemajyrneh

    We went to the Delta this weekend. It’s in the South.

  30. Corps N-1 '04 said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    A gay rock band just ran onto the field. I think they are a Village People coverband but they’re all dressed like ice cream men. I thought the SA stormtroopers would stop them but they appear to only be encouraged. Send help!

    A giant cricket in knee-high boots is brandishing a weapon at a UAB cheerleader!

  31. triplehorn said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    found: 1 jar of life. please authenticate.

  32. kevwun said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    bats have covered the scoreboard of our beloved fallen mascots in guano, will display the score with hand signals until help can be sent

  33. SKiNny G said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Byrne: Found your Special Olympics medal- at Kid’s Yell Practice. I won’t warn you again about being around there, you sick fuck.

  34. parlin said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    wtd: nu prez. No xperens nssre. Must B wiln 2 e@ sht, giv cmplmnts on gbnor’s gud hair.

  35. Scipio Tex said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 4:59 pm

  36. goofybevo said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    There appears to be a light-skinned Negro in Section 26 Row 14 Seat 5 STOP Possible quadroon STOP Will attempt to measure his head with calipers then report back FULL STOP

  37. Flamingmonkey said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Jamar T sighted with a goup of recruits and a bag of funions pls advise.

    Dollar bill in stall next to mine. Tapping his foot. Does we want tp?

    crickets in nachos. Act of god or new recipe?

    Section 23, row 8, guy next to me refuses to admit J.J. is better than VY. Must be a t-sip. Please eject.

  38. ACE said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    BULLHORN GUY SPOTTED IN SECTION 30, ROW 12. HAVE CLEAR SHOT ON TARGET. DO NOT LOOK FOR ME, I AM IN MAROON GHILLIE SUIT AND INVISIBLE TO THE UNTRAINED EYE. AWAIT AUTHORIZATION.

  39. sizzlechest said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    goofybevo just made me lose my shit.

  40. NateHeupel said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    i can haz my dignity back plz?

  41. NateHeupel said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    nvrmind, t-sips just scored again

  42. Sailor Ripley said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Agreed, sizzle. Quadroon. Fantastic.

  43. texoz said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    texting from friend’s phone. Listeater is now iPhoneater.

  44. Tim said:

    September 24th, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Hey dollabill do you think you could wake the sleeping giant already?

  45. txkj said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 1:09 am

    We have an almost identical system… saw it on a sign under the scoreboard at the tech game.

  46. Iceberg said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 2:08 am

    Good shit sizzle. Hilarious

  47. coloradoag said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:15 am

    I’m an Ag and I support this thread.

    Gig ‘em.

  48. dedfischer said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:32 am

    This might be the best thread in the history of the internets. Whoop!

  49. ex68mustang said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:44 am

    Very funny. It is probably worth noting, however, that DKR utilizes the “text in case of emergency” service.

  50. eskimohorn said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:50 am

    “Hey Deloss, it’s now 66-3 UCLA. fire Mackovic, already. Have text messages been invented yet?”

  51. jinx said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 6:07 am

    OMG r these bats the ones that make you into a vampire? Cuz I soooooo want to be in the next Twilight movie

  52. EDSBS » Archive » CURIOUS INDEX, 9/25/09 said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 7:19 am

    [...] Please use some of these. Kyle Field has a text message assist system. This is something Barking Carnival probably didn’t need to know about. [...]

  53. Marshall Dillon said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 7:30 am

    I’m not ozzie. is okay to eat bat heads anyway?

    dilema, kill sheep for blood for door, or keep girlfrnd?

  54. nordberg said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 7:43 am

    “Hey skanks, WTF is all this shit?” -Clipper

  55. magnusbleuveigner said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Because of CAC I can’t stop refferring to people as skanks. Thanks.

  56. magnusbleuveigner said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 8:26 am

    one “f” in referring, not two.

  57. txtxtxtx said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 8:27 am

    eskimohorn that is the funniest thing i’ve read in a while

  58. eskimohorn said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:15 am

    “DD, I just took my cellular phone out of it’s carrying case. I’m trying this new technology in hopes it reaches you some day over Southwestern Bell’s analog network. As I type, whack! what a shot by Westbrook! All we have to do is run the clock out and JB & the gang will ice victory over the fightin Irish. D’oh! intercepted. Tyson King’s slow-footed”

    What? Too soon?

  59. mikecrabtree said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:16 am

    HenryJames said:
    September 24th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    “A bonfire fell on me.”

    /too soon?

    OMG AND LOL

    ps – I wish i wouldnt have stumbled on BC so I could keep hating all UT fans. you stupid UT guys on this site make me laugh every day. To that I say thank you. quadroon ? Oh man, you got me with that. literally misty eyed

  60. dedfischer said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am

    bb, best method for removing nacho cheese from carpenter jorts?

  61. eskimohorn said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am

    “Billy, OMG! I was takin a dump and tapped the dude next to me with my foot. Nube didn’t know what it meant. Virge!”

  62. South '06 said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Some of these are awesome. If you can’t have a sense of humor about yourself, you’re wound too tight.

    HOWEVER, To HenryJames: College student death is HISTERICAL right?? I mean I laughed my fucking HEAD off when those VT students got shot. They were just ASKING for it! Am I right??? What a bunch of fucking losers!

    Seriously, you’re a fucking abysmal waste of oxygen for that comment. Fuck off and die.

  63. TxHegemon said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    “I really wish my parents hand’t broken up, if someone doesn’t help me soon I am going to start shooting from the Tower… xoxo C. Whitman”

  64. tj said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Agree with above. Some of these have made me almost die of laughter, but the tragic death of a college student is never funny. I assure you if you were a UT student at that time you would have never made such a comment. As an Ag, I thought the UT fans and students conducted themselves with TREMENDOUS class at that difficult time, and it showed what the rivalry between A&M and Texas really is. But saying things like that means you don’t deserve to be part of either great institution and it ruins fun threads like this one is supposed to be. To be honest it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t ever once set foot on the 40 acres in your life.

    Thanks and Gig’em

  65. tj said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    And that goes for the Whitman shooting as well….

  66. Steve said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    What TJ said. Loss of life in this manner (A&M, Virginia Tech, UT, Marshall plane crash, etc.) was tragic much in the same way as it is in any accident. I’m sure their families and friends don’t find your laughter at the loss of their loved ones to be humorous in any way. As a matter of fact, I’m sure they find it appalling, rude, crude, and classless.

  67. magnusbleuveigner said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I think HJ just wanted to use that famous “too soon” line. I’m fairly certain he was just as upset as the rest of us on that November morning.

    Also, that Whitman line was a good retort, and no that one wasn’t too soon.

  68. dedfischer said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    People do know that HenryJames and CloseToJumping grew up drinking from the same water source, right?

  69. TaylorTRoom said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    South ’06, you’re right as long as the Ags honor the dead by not starting up the bonfire again. If TAMU starts building a bonfire again, I think we can assume that TAMU has stopped respecting the incident, and the victims of it.

  70. Ag_in_TX said:

    September 28th, 2009 at 6:51 am

    TTR,

    You’ll have to explain that logic to me someday. Does that mean we can now bring up the Whitman shooting because kids are now going to class again? Why would having Bonfire again “stopped respecting the incident”?

    BTW – it’s a moot point – the lawyers will never let Bonfire happen on campus again – no matter what the Governor says.

  71. Barking Carnival — Blog — Weekend Retrospective: DurantWatch, A&M Throttling, Viva Nigeria Diaspora said:

    April 18th, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    [...] Texas Longhorns, third only to crickets and fruit bats as an existential threat to Aggie athletics programs, did what they wanted this weekend, in a [...]

  72. orexis reviews said:

    April 20th, 2010 at 12:06 am

    I usually don’t post in Blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work..

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