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Clipper Cooper Talks Tech

Posted by Scipio Tex on September 17th, 2009 under Football

What’s up skanks? It’s me Clipper Cooper.

I dictated this over my iPhone (I have the Platinum 3G, the one Steve Jobs carries) to a Barking Carnival stooge because I just had a manicure and I didn’t want the cuticle risk. And because I CAN. Sometimes if I don’t want to go to the blog I make them print out pdf files of their articles and fax them to my secretary.

My Daddy says give a man some venture capital and his pecker is in your pocket. I had a fraternity brother in Mexico find out that there are other ways to get a man’s pecker in your pocket, but that’s another story! Oh, Parker. I hope you’re not reading this!

Ha ha ha ha!

We have a game this weekend against Texas Tech and that’s a school I don’t know much about. It’s basically a school for poor dirty kids. Like SMU or Grambling. Yes, it is true I applied to their law school, but they claimed that seven years at Texas and a 2.2 GPA didn’t cut the mustard. They changed their tune after Daddy called. The Cooper name is very powerful. The Cooper name is like a tsunami of power and good taste. And their Red Raider floaties could not save them.

I have an awesome analogy about this game. Probably the best you’ve ever experienced. You should probably fax it to all of your friends.

Playing Texas Tech is basically like playing basketball with your girlfriend. At first it’s all casual: you’re each holding a drink, you cover her by squeezing a tit when she tries a jump shot, giggling when she bounces the ball off of her ankles out of bounds. It’s clear that you’re better than her and the power balance is respected. You don’t call her for traveling or double dribbles because of chivalry. Good fun until she fucks it up.

She scores somehow on a bullshit fadeaway while you’re pretending to nap on the free throw line and she begins to really celebrate. She starts running around the sport court like an asshole raising a ruckus and seeking attention. You see the help start to smile and call out to her with encouragement: “Nice shot Meeeeesus!” and “Chew scorrrre ball on heeem!”

Then the mood of the game changes. You know you have to do something because both she and the help are getting above themselves at your expense.

39-33, right?

She runs up all trying to hug you like it’s some fun shared experience or “just a a game”, but you just throw the ball at her hard and scream CHECK IT! CHECK THE FUCKING BALL! CHECK THE BALL NOW!

And then she gets all hurt looking and her lip gets quivery and she’s like, I hate it when you’re like this. So I say I hate when I see your drunk of a mother climbing in the bottle again Brooke, but that’s life isn’t it? Between my actions now and your mother being the lush of Highland Park, the one constant is YOU. Think on that.

Uh, and excuse me, weren’t you just humiliating me, yourself, and your family moments ago galavanting around in front of Julio and Ms. Hernandez like a Special Olympian with a juice box? And I’m the asshole?

CHECK THE BALL!

I check the ball off of her forehead after I fake throwing it to her twice and she drops her hands. I speed by her, not even bothering to dribble because that would only slow me.

I miss that lay-up because of wind conditions, but I gather the rebound with authority and go back up HARD.

I miss off of the rim because the rim is new.

Then I shoot an airball when my boat shoe slips off.

I fire another off of the side of the backboard as the sun purposefully blinds me.

I easily gather the rebound.

I’M FREAKING MURDERING HER ON THE BOARDS RIGHT NOW!

By this time, my peripheral vision shows Brooke walking down towards me, crying, with her arms out wide to defend me (or hug?), and I gather myself, create space on Brooke with my elbow, and go up again.

It tickles through the net cleanly for a basket.

Brooke is crumpled in the lane and I stand over her. Who is celebrating now? Then I fling the ball at Julio as he ducks behind the geraniums. “You meees me, Meester Cleeeper,” he lies. I hit him square.

That’s what’s going to happen in Austin this weekend: a restoration of order. If we don’t win by 70, I will have my secretary send a scathing fax to Sally Brown.

—

More from the Clipper Chronicles:

Wyoming

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34 Responses

  1. NateHeupel said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Scip, you are outside of your fucking mind. And what little integrity I have as an OU alumnus and law student echoes in the pit of my stomach and forces me to respect your authority and masterful skill. Those echoes might be the Taco Bell I splurged for at lunch. Hard to say.

  2. LonghornScott said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Holy fucknuts.

  3. nordberg said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Maybe it’s just the name, but I’ve got an image of Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers in my head right now.

  4. lowery said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    When I am King, you will be forced to be my scribe. Fair warning. Start writing.

  5. Mike Cook said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I could imagine a younger Will Arnett character, either Job or the guy he played in Hot Rod.

  6. ByrneBan said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I hate it when that happens. Just yesterday my whore of a girlfriend actually out benched me. The nerve.

  7. Steve Nebraska said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Checked the ball off of her forehead, and she still wants a hug.

  8. jinx said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    It’s official. I’m naming my son Clipper Cooper.

  9. parlinhall said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Very. Nice. Stuff. Indeed.

  10. Art Vandelay said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Wow. I resemble this post in a number of embarrassing ways (except the hoops part…. I would have dunked on the chick).

  11. aerohorn said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Yeah, I too thought of Wedding Crashers.

    This is pretty much me (and my younger brother) while growing up. We cannot end the game with me losing.

  12. txtower said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Faxes? Faxes? We don need no stinkin faxes!

  13. Donny Boudreaux said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:48 pm

  14. Tim said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    “That’s what’s going to happen in Austin this weekend: a restoration of order”

    We’ll see.

  15. nordberg said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Oooooooohhhhh

  16. travis said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    That might have been the funniest thing ive seen all week, I busted out twice and im supposed to be working.. ” special olympian with a juice box ” classic

  17. stuckinmn said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    “We’ll see.”

    Shut up, Brooke.

  18. Mike Cook said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    This has quickly become one of the best weekly BC posts. Clip has elevated the game. Way to go, bra!

  19. kriess said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Outstanding Sir!

  20. mikecrabtree said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Holy crap! how am i supposed to act like i’m working. I cant wait until Mushchaps tells Mac, “I’m murdering her on the boards right now!”

  21. TaylorTRoom said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Tim, ol’ Clip would so school you.

  22. Hank Dudek said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Hilarious!

  23. henley said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Tim said:
    September 17th, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    “That’s what’s going to happen in Austin this weekend: a restoration of order”

    We’ll see.

    Question – has anyone ever seen Wayne Jarvis and Tim together?

    I thought not.

  24. blackscholes said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    Inspired.

  25. The General said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I know people like Clipper Cooper. The genius of this piece is that it is a frighteningly accurate caricature.

  26. stuckinmn said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    General, me too. I’m pretty sure Clipper went to Fort Worth Country Day.

  27. Hank Dudek said:

    September 17th, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    I think Michael Jordan talked about this the other night at his Hall of Fame induction. When he and his wife were playing one and one she somehow got a shot off over his outstretched monstrous hands and buried it. She smiled at him. Ever since that day, he said he shut her down and never let her get out of shot blocking range. Yeah bitch!

  28. Trips Right said:

    September 18th, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I’m glad you use your powers for good instead of evil. Hilarious.

  29. bateshorn said:

    September 18th, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    Assuming you haven’t developed a raging coke addiction or heinous drinking problem to acquire this level of genius, keep up the good work. Glad I took a break from Gears of War to check in.

  30. Doperbo said:

    September 19th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Goddamn you’re good. The Busey piece as well. I keep picturing Gary charging through the aspens with a bolo and a war pony.

    If they ever turn on us, just keep writing this shit and email it to me.

    BTW- Clipper will be cast as Teddy Beckersted from One Crazy Summer. I don’t want to be a dick about it but it’s non-negotiable. I know you created him and all but I dreamed it in my head.

  31. BoomerFreakinSooner said:

    September 19th, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Clipper for Prez.

  32. FatBastard said:

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    I had to go home from work I was laughing so hard. I think my favorite character on the whole web.

  33. George W. Bush said:

    October 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    [i]Clipper for Prez.[/i]

    Without an Andover pedigree? Hardly.

  34. Barking Carnival — Blog — Clipper Cooper: Nightmare Gameday Experience said:

    November 22nd, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    [...] Texas Tech (pre-game) Wyoming [...]

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