Connect with your Facebook Account

Contact

26

Dan Hawkins Seeks The Wisdom of Busey

Posted by Scipio Tex on September 16th, 2009 under Football

It’s Boulder, Colorado. Dan Hawkins has locked himself in the master bathroom of his Iroquois longhouse where he sits despondent on his flawless tile. Not even his dog-eared Sun Tzu coloring book can cheer him.

Hawkins: Please, Busey-spirit. I am your brother. The Hawk seeks your counsel. I have nowhere else to go. I promised to win 10 games. Reveal yourself, bring forth your wisdom.

Busey: I am here. There is no “here.” The mind is a hand and the ego its pinky.

Hawkins: Master! Thank God.

Busey: God is a dexterous hobo riding the rail line of the infinite. The Devil a Pinkerton detective with a truncheon. Now cover your dick or I’ll swat it. DICK GAME ON!

Hawkins: No, no not dick game…

Busey: ON I SAID!

Hawkins: Okay, okay. Take it easy.

Busey: Cease your mewling, otter pup. Your energies?

Hawkins: Perishing. My team is horrendous.

Busey: In my yondering days, I woke up supine in a truck stop bathroom in Sasketchewan after a 96 hour bender, my mouth brimming with saliva from kava and betel nut – my wrists cuffed to a 16 inch exposed sewage pipe; a Palawanese shaman leering over me, extracting sixteen inches of bad entrail full of impacted heroin balloon, his filthy taloned hands covered in my scarlet essence; an ashy Marlboro pointed from the side of his mouth like it was an accusation, its blaze lighting up the scene like a Baroque horror amusement. I reeled in despair and as I looked up at the steel gray of the linoleum shitter stall, I saw the wisdom Ass, Gas, or Cash – No One Rides For Free written in the scrawl of an imbecile. I smiled. Then I knew.

Hawkins: Knew what, Busey-manifestation? Attitude determines your altitude?

Busey: Ditch your corporate team-building slogans, whistle-gibbon. You’re bringing a saucer of milk to a mechanical tiger with no endocrine system. THE BOY!

Hawkins: I don’t know what that -

Busey: DICK GAME. Swat. 1-0.

Hawkins: Ouch! That blow actually gave me cotton mouth. DICK GAME -

Busey: – NOTOFFINFINITY!

Hawkins: OFF!

Busey: I got it in there. Dick Game still on. Mind your walnuts, australopithecus.

Hawkins: What do you mean? My son?

Busey: Don’t play coy. He flings the swineskin like a wood nymph and his only experience with pocket presence was at the Adult Video Mega Store. He’s wacking you off.

Hawkins: But he’s my son. My beautiful son. The apple of my eye. I’ve always told him that FAILING stands for Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth (beams).

Busey: He’s a collection of cells. A paramecium’s best ambition. A hyena’s feast if he crashed a bi-plane in the Sahel. You call him Cody. I call him 3rd And McLong. Neither of us is right. His real name is Tammy.

Hawkins: I don’t know. Look –

Busey: Shhhhhh. Look in my burning corneas. Do you see doubt? Or fear?

Hawkins: No, Busey-sensei. Never have I seen weakness on your face.

Busey: Your capillaries are caterpillars and your self doubt a can of insecticide turned upon you. Focus on the illusion of my words. Life is an inane limerick – swat – DICK GAME! Two-zip.

Hawkins: Please stop that. I can taste mercury in my mouth. DICK GAME OFF! MEGA INFINITY

Busey: Now you’re awake. Now you’re existing. What does your Spirit Force tell you? Let it cleanse you like a brillo pad mango

Hawkins: Practice harder.

Busey: I deny it. I deny you. What must you do?

Hawkins: Bench my son?

Busey: Offer your son to me.

Hawkins: An offering? Sacrifice him with a boning knife on an altar made of femurs?

Busey: No.

Hawkins: Offer him in a parcel with a bright ribbon?

Busey: I’m losing patience.

Hawkins: I don’t get it! Please help me! You have to help me!

Busey: Bring Tammy to Greeley, Colorado. Cover him in bear grease. Offer him a protractor, a Judy Blume book, and a wolfskin. Set him loose. Six days. I will hunt him with a bolo and a war pony. If he survives, he goes to the next level

Hawkins: Must it be so, Busey-vastness?

Busey: Your sweatlodge has run out of kindling.

Hawkins: It will be so.

Busey: I love these granite countertops.

More from this Barker


Share This

  • StumbleUpon

26 Responses

  1. Busey: He’s a collection of cells. A paramecium’s best ambition. A hyena’s feast if he crashed a bi-plane in the Sahel. You call him Cody. I call him 3rd And McLong. Neither of us is right. His real name is Tammy.

    Primo. All that’s missing from this Quonset Hut is a Nick Nolte summoning.

  2. That was hilarious.

  3. Good Lord Almighty.

    Where do you come up with this imagery?

  4. beatendeadhorse said:

    September 16th, 2009 at 10:16 am

    peyote is serious business

  5. Jesus Fucking Christ.

  6. Awesome.

  7. This is my favorite BC post of the last 12 hours

  8. Scip,

    Didn’t you watch the Wyoming game? Did you not get the message that the great state of Wyoming was trying to send to you?

    Meth is bad.

  9. You are Barking mad, sir.

  10. Funny, funny shit.

  11. That was fantastic

  12. wow, nice

  13. Sweet jeebus. Good stuff.

    I have had the pleasure of spending some time around Busey. He is bat-shit crazy 24/7. Having said that, I’ve worked on two projects that he was in. They were 15 years apart and he recalled the names of the principals in the first project when I spoke with him on the most recent project, which was two years ago. His memory is still sharp.

    p.s.
    Never leave him alone with the womenfolk.

  14. Holy tits, man…I’m not sure what goes on in your head to come up with this shit, but I’m all for it.

  15. What a mindfuck. I love it.

  16. Can I have some of your drugs?

    I don’t want them all. Just some.

  17. I’m going to print this, shred it and then smoke it through a hookah pipe and learn how to play the sitar.

  18. correspondence from the dark side of the moon indeed

  19. You are one mechanical tiger of a writer. Bravo, sir.

  20. magnusbleuveigner said:

    September 16th, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Jiminy freaking crickets……This post makes zero sense, and perfect sense.

    If that makes sense.

  21. (clapping)

  22. Genius.

  23. Where does he GIT this shit?

  24. [...] you don’t find brain trauma as funny as we do. Gary Busey, Dan Hawkins. Barking Carnival puts the two in a sweat lodge with some peyote and lets the magic happen. Busey: Bring Tammy to Greeley, Colorado. Cover him in bear grease. Offer him a protractor, a Judy [...]

  25. I’m entertained and frightened at the same time.

  26. “Busey: In my yondering days, I woke up supine in a truck stop bathroom in Sasketchewan after a 96 hour bender, my mouth brimming with saliva from kava and betel nut – my wrists cuffed to a 16 inch exposed sewage pipe; a Palawanese shaman leering over me, extracting sixteen inches of bad entrail full of impacted heroin balloon, his filthy taloned hands covered in my scarlet essence; an ashy Marlboro pointed from the side of his mouth like it was an accusation, its blaze lighting up the scene like a Baroque horror amusement. I reeled in despair and as I looked up at the steel gray of the linoleum shitter stall, I saw the wisdom Ass, Gas, or Cash – No One Rides For Free written in the scrawl of an imbecile. I smiled. Then I knew.”

    Fucking nails. Please make the Busey/Hawkins dialog a weekly entry until Hawk’s inevitable pink slip.

Leave a Reply

Related Articles

Activity

  • Ag_in_TX wrote a new blog post: Did Rick Barnes use a plant last night to distract KU players?   ago

    If you watched the game, and if you have one drop of testosterone in your bloodstream, you couldn’t have missed her. The redhead with huge tracts of land – right behind the KU bench – who stood for every time out and stared at the KU players.

    She stuck out like a sore thumb. Never

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Darius Pourceau commented on the blog post Recruiting the Trenches   ago

    Welcome to the site guys! Aaron Rodgers is the man.

    http://bornhogwild.fantake.com/

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Bob in Houston commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Kansas: Post-Mortem   15 minutes ago

    Should be “complementary” scorers. Oh well.

  • Bob in Houston commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Kansas: Post-Mortem   19 minutes ago

    OK, I was there. Not the best seat in the house, but not a bad one either.

    Trips hit part of what struck me over and over. KU had offensive options/outlets when Texas forced them into trouble (which happened quite a bit, as the stats showed that Texas did bring defense last night), and the

  • Mister Mike wrote a new blog post: ”Bo Made Me Cry.”   58 minutes ago

    At least, that’s the line I would expect to hear from Rivals or Scouts if they were in a relationship with Bo Pelini and ended up going to Dr. Phil to try and work out their differences. Of course, that would never happen because Bo would’ve just laughed, packed her shit up, and thrown

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • HenryJames commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   1 hour, 10 minutes ago

    CTJ,

    Rivals doesn’t think there are any elite players in Texas this year. Do you think we’ll have to go out of state to compensate?

    Thanks!

  • D W commented on the blog post Another night, another would-be hero   2 hours, 3 minutes ago

    Hamilton is so stupid on the court it makes my teeth hurt.

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Top 8 Teams in College Hoops   4 hours, 54 minutes ago

    Yeah, I think we can scratch Texas out of there. Who takes place 8?

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Looking at Texas   5 hours, 7 minutes ago

    You guys have a basketball team. Is it Indianapolis this year?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Scipio Tex wrote a new blog post: 2011 Texas Football Recruiting   5 hours, 14 minutes ago

    Junior Days are right around the corner, so I thought we’d break down needs, talk recruits, and find a ray of gridiron sunshine in the long and cursed offseason.

    CTJ gives us his thoughts too. Had I realized, I might have saved myself the typing.

    Unlike last year where DFW held an

  • admin commented on the blog post Making a Case for a 1 Seed: Villanova Tops the ’Neers   5 hours, 27 minutes ago

    Enjoyed watching these guys tonight. I was blown away to see Huggy was 5X coach of the year. He seems like a tourney flame out more often than not. That Kenyon Marting leg break didn’t do him any favors.

    How do you see them progresing in the tourney?

  • admin commented on the blog post Making a Case for a 1 Seed: Villanova Tops the ’Neers   5 hours, 27 minutes ago

    Enjoyed watching these guys tonight. I was blown away to see Huggy was 5X coach of the year. He seems like a tourney flame out more often than not. That Kenyon Martin leg break didn’t do him any favors.

    How do you see them progresing in the tourney?

  • admin commented on the blog post Duke Basketball: The Devil You Know?   5 hours, 29 minutes ago

    Avery Bradley, who shot 77% from the foul line in high school and is now shooting 47% at Texas would probably be shooting closer to his high school average if he played at Duke.

    Sweet Jesus that’s ridonkulous.

  • admin commented on the blog post Duke Basketball: The Devil You Know?   5 hours, 29 minutes ago

    Avery Bradley, who shot 77% from the foul line in high school and is now shooting 47% at Texas would probably be shooting closer to his high school average if he played at Duke.

    Sweet Jesus that’s ridonkulous.

  • Jeff Julian wrote a new blog post: Recruiting the Trenches   6 hours, 5 minutes ago

    Importance of Recruiting Rankings by Position.

    Now that the recruiting season is over and most Cal fans are waxing poetic (along with some Texas fans) about how great these 17-18 year olds will be, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at recruiting rankings as a potential measurement for future success.

    For the purposes

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin wrote a new blog post: Welcome   6 hours, 9 minutes ago

    HenryJames will soon be here to captivate you with his wit and extensive knowledge of the most storied franchise in professional sports history, the New York Yankees.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin commented on the blog post Nebraska Fits the Profile of the 2010 National Champion   6 hours, 22 minutes ago

    Interesting but call me skeptical now. We’ve got experience at QB but not positive experience.

    Good line. What is the thinking on his ability vs. the injury?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin commented on the blog post Nebraska Fits the Profile of the 2010 National Champion   6 hours, 22 minutes ago

    Interesting but call me skeptical now. We’ve got experience at QB but not positive experience.

    Good line. What is the thinking on his ability vs. the injury?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   6 hours, 34 minutes ago

    I really don’t want to repeat the horrid situation of the past few years where we starved for depth and talent at DT. It’s critical not to let defensive line recruiting slip. That said, if we bring in two tackles and two ends this year that would be 21 scholarships used on the

  • Arthur Goddamn Fenstemaker commented on the blog post Weekly Stats Update   6 hours, 36 minutes ago

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   6 hours, 42 minutes ago

    It appears as though the dude is committed to raiding the SEC and ignoring the West Coast.

    It’s understandable, with the way that recruiting is generally territory based. Isaiah Crowell, the RB we’ve been linked to, goes to Columbus Carver. That’s an Auburn pipeline school. Still, I can’t imagine that recruitment lasting much

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   6 hours, 52 minutes ago

    Actually it’s Hegarty. My mistake.

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Mid-Season Thoughts and OU Pre-Game   7 hours, 1 minute ago

    Thoughts? I think that’s a damn good write up.

    Other than that, root for Willie Warren to be healthy because he screws up Oklahoma’s chemistry. Everything else can be found in your report. Maintain contact with Cade Davis on defense and don’t let TMG go buck wild.

    Your motion game should confound

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   7 hours, 5 minutes ago

    The OL from New Mexico is Matt Hagerty, with a “g”. He’s on pretty much every national top 100 list that I’ve seen so far.

    USC fans are dismayed that Westerman is coming our junior day.

    With the scholarship numbers, I think we’re five over as of right now. That’s

  • Trips Right wrote a new blog post: Texas Hoops vs. Kansas: Post-Mortem   7 hours, 8 minutes ago

    I have a man crush on Al McGuire, the basketball coach that lead Marquette to its only national championship.

    The man had an uncanny way of relating to players when he was coaching and to the audience when he was a color commentator for CBS. He’d throw out stuff like:

    “I think everyone should

  • Nickel Rover wrote a new blog post: Another night, another would-be hero   7 hours, 31 minutes ago

    Basketball:

    Against Oklahoma St., we saw Hamilton rise up. Against Oklahoma Bradley made a heroic effort, against Kansas James contributed his usual 20-10 and J’Covan Brown came out of the woodwork. Again I ask, who is the go-to scorer?

    Box score is here. Peter Bean chimes in with his thoughts here. He’s right on in praising the

  • Kevin Berger wrote a new blog post: Making a Case for a 1 Seed: Villanova Tops the ’Neers   7 hours, 31 minutes ago

    Going into the game you would have thought the battle would have been a classic matchup between West Virginia’s frontcourt and Villanova’s backcourt.

    The only question is which team could impose their will and dictate the mismatch. Villanova might try to do it by pressing and playing up tempo. West Virginia’s

  • Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   7 hours, 57 minutes ago

    The staff is actually recruiting pretty well for a man-blocking scheme with guys like Espinosa, Ashcraft, Huey, and so on… of course Texas doesn’t run such a scheme.

  • dick commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   8 hours, 15 minutes ago

    ‘”It appears to be McFarland out of El Paso. I would like to see Texas get him. :”

    El Paso alert, El Paso alert! Andre Jones and Trips are from El Paso. Think about that for a minute.

  • dick commented on the blog post Scholarship Numbers & Junior Days   8 hours, 24 minutes ago

    Dam, I was just going to post the same shit.

    OT and DB are the most important postions. OT we need Westerman, Haverty and Drango/Greenlea/Cochran. What do we know about Cochran?