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Blind Sided

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 4th, 2009 under Football

h/t EDSBS

Good news! The movie trailer for The Blind Side is on its way to theaters.

Bad news! The movie trailer for The Blind Side suggests that it will be focused on the person commanding the premium salary – Sandra Bullock – and that her agent, having not read the book, or any books, but only a “treatment” had it pitched in the following way:

(Note: Hollywood people talk in All Caps and are incapable of making appropriate analogies)

OK – PICTURE THIS – WEBSTER MEETS HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS!

BUT WITH EDGY STAND AND DELIVER UNDERTONES!

ONLY THERE ARE NO MEXICANS AND EDWARD JAMES OLMOS IS A BLONDE WITH TITS, THERE’S NO MATH -

AND – GET THIS – THE SASQUATCH IS THE ADOPTED SON!

IT’S BLACK-WHITE!

IT’S HEARTSTRINGS!

IT HITS BRANSON NASCAR DOLLAR!

IT’S SANDY BULLOCK LIGHT COMEDY!

CRASH MEETS E.T AND TRADING PLACES!

SO IS THIS A GO OR IS THIS A GO?

It’s a go.

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30 Responses

  1. PatronSaint said:

    August 4th, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Oh well, at least I’ll be able to join that group of people that I hate so much: those that say “The book was so much better than the movie” at any opportunity to prove … what? That they are literate?

  2. Do you realize they have Michael Oher fist bumping both the little kid and the grandmother? And dancing like an idiot to what can only be mainstream music. Watching Fresh Prince reruns was not adequate research for this movie.

    Also, nice job by Bullock’s agent of getting her all those kick ass lines.

  3. wow, i feel like i just had lunch at spago

  4. uncle teardrop said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 2:46 am

    The English language is so woefully limited to express the range of emotions I felt watching that trailer. The wardens diseased wife in “The Green Mile” yelling Pigfuckers!!!! is the only expression I could come up with.

  5. Patton Oswalt said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 2:55 am

    Yikes. Spend the money you would have used on this film to go see Big Fan in September.

    I promise it’s awesome!

  6. SydneyCarton said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 4:19 am

    I warned all of you.

  7. RansomStoddard said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 4:33 am

    She’s even uglier as a blonde

  8. Oh my. It’s the definition of sadfunny.

    By the way, any of you who didn’t roll your eyes while perfectly mouthing the last two lines of the trailer along with it take a zero for the day.

  9. Parlin Hall said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 5:10 am

    The trailer follows the generic codes of the “dog adoption movie.”

    I haven’t read the book, but if he gets hit by a car after tugging the little boy off the freeway, I’m not paying to see this.

  10. BatesHorn said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 5:23 am

    This is so terrible that I’m at a total loss for snark in this situation.

  11. Art Vandelay said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 6:05 am

    I need some dizzy water.

  12. “Webster meets Harry and the Hendersons”

    Haha

  13. “No, he’s changing mine.”

    Tear, slowly rolling down my cheek…the expression, oh, how it sounds so sweet…

  14. BatesHorn said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 6:30 am

    You never go full retard.

  15. That trailer made me as nauseous as the food at sandy’s restaurant.

  16. That is a disgrace to Michael Lewis.

  17. Well would you like some ketchup packets to make you feel better? Too bad, we ration those out like gas in Mad Max.

  18. Stuck in MN said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 8:13 am

    While You Were Sleeping meets Green Mile.

    They could at least have McConaughey play the father and steer the kid toward his beloved alma mater, which of course would be Texas for this movie. All in good faith, of course, whatever is best for the kid.

  19. The director’s cut DVD version will show Sandra giving Michael a sponge bath, upon which he introduces her to his Oher-face.

  20. Eskimohorn said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am

    The marketing not-withstanding, my initial reaction was to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, John Lee Hancock writes and directs. His resume includes The Alamo & The Rookie. Now he adds THE Blind Side.

  21. Woody Bombay said:

    August 5th, 2009 at 9:10 am

    “They could at least have McConaughey play the father”

    Geez, man, this looks bad enough as it is.

  22. Is McConaughey still an ‘actor’? As opposed to a guy who shows up in stupid chick flicks playing the same character over and over (sans shirt).

  23. The book was white-washed enough as is (pardon the expression). The movie looks so clean you could eat off of it.

  24. I never liked the book to begin with.

  25. i see what you did there

  26. Hornin Hong Kong said:

    August 6th, 2009 at 4:18 am

    What you dont realize is that this rendition is due to the Mack Brown curse – or did you forget the part in the book where Lewis claims Oher had offers from every major school but Penn State.

    You do not diss Mack Brown like that

    Suckitude was inevitable

  27. Who wants to bet that the opening song of the trailer is “I Feel Good”, by James Brown?

  28. The Tres Leches said:

    August 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    This trailer makes me thank God for the existence of white people to make the lives of minorities better.

  29. Facebook User said:

    August 15th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    I like it when Sandy talks tough to the gangbangers. Legit!

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