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Muschamp Unplugged Mother%()*$*$!

Posted by Vasherized on June 17th, 2009 under Football, Recruiting

Forgive the brief foray into Texas Football.

I know it’s anathema to the strict offseason diet we stick to here at Barking Carnival but I had a chance to attend the most recent Frank Denius lecture series at the UT Club this week where the guest was none other than our defensive coordinator, head coach in waiting, and all around bad ass, Will Muschamp.

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I’m no Carl Reese!

If you’ve seen him speak before, you’ll know that he starts and ends every speech the same way:

“You see I came from Georgia. If you could put a tractor in reverse, they give you a degree.”

Boom!

Ending with Mack’s favorite quip:

“Any questions? No questions great, thanks for coming.”

Mysteriously, it never fails to produce robust laughter.

Muschamp has come a long way with his public speaking. His first trip to the booster podium, you could almost sense a visible disgust at having to do this gladhanding and assgrabbing bullshit as it wasted valuable minutes in the film room. Now that he’s sat through probably a few dozen Mack Brown speeches, he’s done well to co-opt about 15 of his better one liners and key talking points. The only difference is Muschamp literally yells into the microphone for 20 straight minutes without taking a breath, lest his train of thought escape him and a new Buck Package blitz design presents itself in an untimely manner.

Remember, it’s the offseason: the kids are working out on their own, he can’t talk about recruits (but we can — LB Aaron Franklin now has an official offer), and summer drills are still six weeks away. Perfect time for a quick speech because there’s not much to talk about. Sign me up, Frank!

The talk was memorable for a few comments and reactions to questions from the crowd.

He mentioned the name Alex Okafor at least ten times. Tables began to rise on their own. Old men giggled. Winks were shared. Thumbs up on that second piece of cheesecake, Corby! VY used to cause this same phenomenon. Now I shudder when I see him in the news. Alex, when you enter the NFL draft please don’t hire your friends and family to represent you.

We look out fo yo Intris!

Muschamp’s three ringleaders on defense are Earl Thomas, Rod Muckelroy, and Sergio Kindle. In a word: relenteless. We don’t have much depth at tackle and some people need to step up. This isn’t news but when Muschamp says it you get the sense that every DT on the roster is well aware of this little predicament. He loves the athleticism of his secondary and this year they’ll actually know what position to be in. We don’t have a lot of LBs but loves his first four and looks for a big year from E. Acho. Tariq Allen needs to lose some weight but he hits people. Hard. Like Will Muschamp would if he didn’t have a foot long steel rod in his leg. Or on his desk somewhere.

Other quotes that caused instant murmurs of giddyness and highstepping back to the parking garage:

You’re going to need a GPS to find Sergio Kindle on gameday.

Mike Sherman, upon hearing this insider tip from his Austin spies (the fat waiter with the maroon tie and lazy eye? I’m on to you, farmer!), promptly bought a Garmin on Amazon. Fearing this might not be enough, he ordered one for his entire front seven and billed it to that bitch who just got fired for pissing away a bunch of football money, Elsie “I drive a maroon Nissan!” Murano. Her performance review came back just above that of the A&M secondary but they get to keep their scholarships while her reputation just got Dave Blissed thanks to a public records search detailing the paucity of talent in the A&M front office. Lady, all you have to do is email John.Lopez@texags.com and your problems are solved. He’s dying for a real story that can be fabricated for the right price.

Greg Davis owes me 50 points a day.

The funny thing about this one was that he said it half seriously. He’s like the future father-in-law that puts his arm around you maybe a little too tight on a short walk to nowhere and is all smiles while subtly hinting at physical harm should you fuck this whole thing up. “Greg, if I see us lined up in the I from our 1 yd line on the first play of a night time road game, well let’s just say you might not have a job here in a few years. Oh, and maybe chuck it to that guy Malcolm Williams more often. Are we on the same page? Nice. Try the brioche. You’ll love it.” Instead, what he actually said was that Greg Davis was the most valuable assistant coordinator in all of college football last year. How can you not love this guy?

Don’t fuck this up, Greggo.

A few other random thoughts from The Intense One:

- SEC D lines are better than the Big 12 but our offenses present way more complications. The biggest difference between the two conferences? “We have rules,” joked Muschamp.

- When asked about the Big 12 tiebreaker rule staying the same, he paused and said “I can’t comment honestly about that so I have nothing to say.” Then he repeated it three times while shaking his head. Clearly it still worked him over that OU backassed its way into the Big 12 title and national championship game. Which they lost by ten points, same margin of defeat to Texas. Just sayin’ …

- The biggest asset of the new field turf will be for recruiting high schoolers that get to play at DKR and use Colt McCoy’s and Sergio Kindle’s lockers. The field is made from recycled tire rubber and temps will reach 130 in the summer. But it’s great for a fast team like Texas because it only accentuates the speed difference against a team like, say, A&M.

- On the high rankings and expectations for next year: “We’d rather have a bullseye than be chasing.”

- “Scout.com gave the kid nine stars. Who are these guys?” … One of many entertaining recruiting rants no doubt influenced by Cleve Bryant.

- On the incoming freshmen: “The best kids will play but maturity gets you on the field fastest. You’ll be seeing a lot of Alex Okafor this Fall.”

Sounds good to me.

Thoughts?

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51 Responses

  1. srr50 said:

    June 17th, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    I went to the National Football Foundation’s Austin Chapter banquet last month where they honored a football scholar/athlete from 38 area high schools.

    It is held annually at the Texas Union, and usually the keynote speaker is a collegiate head coach (Darrell Royal, Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, etc).

    This time is was Muschamp. Mack introduced him. Deloss and Darrell were sitting up front. You got the feeling it was a dress rehearsal for Mus.

    He gave a short speech, with a couple of semi-funny stories highlighting the values you would expect for that crowd (hard work, dedication, education) and while it wasn’t the smoothest performance around, it was certainly head-coach-lite and showed that if that is his weakest link in his resume he will do just fine.

  2. Brian Combs said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 4:55 am

    You bastard! I was on the waiting list for that lunch. I bet you took my spot! :-)

  3. Barry Switzer said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 4:56 am

    We should have hired this guy.

  4. Levander Williams said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 5:14 am

    Thanks very much.

    I needed that…a little dose of football, just enough to take the edge off.

  5. Minnesotahorn said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 5:31 am

    Great job V and thanks for the report. I’m realizing now that it was probably silly of me to fret over Okafor’s lack of hustle in the Spring Game; Muschamp will choke him with his own entrails before it’s a problem on game day. Earl Thomas is going to be his on field surrogate this year and I bet he’s looking forward to that. I know I am. I think he’s correct about E. Acho as well.

    Now here’s what I really want to know: did you order the Prime Rib Enchiladas and if so how were they?

  6. Vasherized said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 6:32 am

    No ordering these days, they just serve you chicken alfredo.

    Just for dedfischer, I can confirm Muschamp was indeed wearing the snakeskin loafers. Sockless of course. Untouchable, baby.

  7. Nordberg said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am

    I still can’t believe we hired this guy. I remember watching his ‘boom motherfucker’ clip for the first time, and thinking “This is EXACTLY the kind of hire we need to make, but Mack won’t do it”.

  8. BatesHorn said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 6:39 am

    That’s better. Should hold off the DT’s for another week and a half or so.

  9. Tim said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 6:54 am

    I know the guy can coach up a defense, and get’s fired up on the sideline, but can he really play the role of head coach of the University of Texas?

    It’s almost more of a political role than it is a true coaching position. Mack seems to have gotten it down pat, BS with the booster crowd, grin and wink with HS coaches and media, high-pressure hard sell the recruits, and clap his hands on Saturdays.

    Muschamp seems more like a coaches coach, I just can’t see him kissing babies, and wiping the ass of boosters like Mack does.

    I guess Bo Pilini and Mike Leach have done alright as head coaches so far, and they seem to fit the same mold, so maybe Muschamp can do it too.

  10. TxTower said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:07 am

    “Then he repeated it three times while shaking his head. Clearly it still worked him over that OU backassed it’s way into the Big 12 title and national championship game.”

    I like the fact that OU’s bullshit is starting to get under his skin. Stoops should be afraid, very afraid. There’s a new sheriff in town and now Texas has the best D in the B12.

  11. NateHeupel said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:07 am

    “Mysteriously, it never fails to produce robust laughter.”

    It’s not a mystery. Longhorn Nation has their collective lips firmly attached to Muschamp’s ass. To be fair, I can’t blame you. The guy is a BAMF. People might’ve been laughing out of fear.

  12. BrickHorn said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Nate,

    Look on the bright side. Maybe our cocky defensive-minded coach will eventually turn into a pathetic titty-baby, just like yours did.

  13. TxTower said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:29 am

    “Look on the bright side. Maybe our cocky defensive-minded coach will eventually turn into a pathetic, EXCUSE MAKING, titty-baby, just like yours did.”

    FIFY

  14. Jamdog said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:38 am

    Way to knock it out of the park Vash, the fat waiter with the maroon tie and the lazy eye…classic.

  15. 8straight said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:40 am

    The difference is that Big Game trained at the foot of Steve Spurrier and Boom has Mack Brown. Take what you want from that.
    I’m not a Greg Davis hater but what is the over/under, in days, for Greg’s resignation when Mack announces his retirement?

  16. Blueshorn said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Great report. I look forward to the day when the entire staff has to report to Boom.

  17. Nordberg said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Muschamp also learned under Saban. If you take the best of Saban and Mack Brown, then you’ve got SuperCoach.

  18. Minnesotahorn said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am

    “It’s not a mystery. Longhorn Nation has their collective lips firmly attached to Muschamp’s ass. To be fair, I can’t blame you. The guy is a BAMF. People might’ve been laughing out of fear.”

    Funny stuff Nate and I can’t argue for a moment.

  19. Black Scholes said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 8:43 am

    “The difference is that Big Game trained at the foot of Steve Spurrier and Boom has Mack Brown.”

    That’s a good point, and I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.

  20. uthookem said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:15 am

    My God, I cannot wait for October 17, 2009.

    Hook ‘em!

  21. Vasherized said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:28 am

    A few follow up comments that missed the first draft.

    Quan Cosby and Roy Miller will be missed for their leadership as much as if not more than their contributions on the field. You hear this a lot as lip service but we know the reason everything came together in 2005 was VY controlled the locker room. Cosby, Roy, Colt, and Orakpo did last year.

    Roy gave the guys on defense a speech right before the Fiesta Bowl kickoff and Mack told Will to go check on the boys because he heard a lot of loud crazy shit coming from the locker room. Will said, “Screw that, I’m sending Giles.”

    The players both feared and respected Roy. Same with Rak but he lead by example. Roy got in their faces. Players get sick of hearing from coaches, but they’ll jump to it if a respected player gets on their ass. We need another Roy Miller badly but I don’t see one on the roster.

    Missing Chykie for three games last year to injury was a big loss for the secondary. Has very high hopes for his lockdown corners this year.

    TE is still a huge concern. Irby will likely have to fight through some nerve damage before he ever gets back on the field.

    Loved Antwan Cobb’s emergence in the spring.

    “A player we’re counting on stepping up big time is Malcolm Williams. He hasn’t put it all together and he needs to earn his scholly.”

    Notice served.

    Comments on your first OU game? “You can definitely tell the difference between our fans and their fans … it’s win or draw in that game – there is no other option.” He gets it.

    Regarding playing for polls/stats/postseason awards: Don’t expect any changes. We’ll continue to do things with class. The last thing they want to do is humiliate other kids. It’s not about the coaches.

    Lastly, the defense will be ready come Fall.

  22. Stuck in MN said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:29 am

    Tim- all that political back slapping BS only comes into play when you don’t win on the field. Muschamp will be fine.

  23. Kafka said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:44 am

    The new field sounds like it will be great for reducing impact stress. Might be a good idea to install a cooling system. Maybe something as simple as flowing chilled water to the surface and making sure the drainage system is real good.

    Great observation about how Coach Boom being the future head coach affects the relationship between Muschamp and GD.

  24. Kafka said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 10:40 am

    “A player we’re counting on stepping up big time is Malcolm Williams. He hasn’t put it all together and he needs to earn his scholly.”

    Very unusual. I haven’t ever heard a DC telling a specific offensive player very publicly that he needs to step it up. My guess is that Coach Boom only does that if he thinks effort is an issue.

  25. Groundhog Day said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Is Keenan Robinson one of the 4 linebackers? Haven’t heard his name recently. I had high hopes for him.

  26. RansomStoddard said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Good stuff although just once I would like to see us say “yeah, look. It’s a one game schedule. Ou is it. The other game in Stillwater is against a team that has never won anything in football-ever. We have talent 4-deep at every position on the field that 99.99% of all other college teams would kill for. If we don’t play for the NC, it’s on the coaching staff. End of story.”

  27. Vasherized said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Groundhog,

    Yes he is. We’ve grown used to discounting our LB play because of a lack of true coaching but I think you’ll start to see our players actually improve at that position from year to year instead of tread water.

  28. The General said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Tables began to rise on their own.

    That is subtle genius, Vash.

  29. Facebook User said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    It’s all about the trident.

  30. Faggy Assball now pretending to be a Sooner said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Lorem ipsum dolorum.

  31. Faggy Assball still pretending to be a Sooner said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I simply love my new tea cozy.

  32. PatronSaint said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    wut.

  33. beowulf said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Best read of the summer thus far. I’m a Vash fan now.

    I can get a bit giddy knowing that Texas will be playing balls to the walls defense for the rest of my life. It’s been pretty much hit and miss on that side of the ball since Akers was moved out.

  34. jimmyjazz said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I’m far too old to be close enough to the team to know any players. I had no idea that Roy was a “get in your face” kind of leader. That’s pretty cool.

  35. Faggy Assball said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    You guys are calling the wrong guy a faggy. I understand the metaphysical foundations of homo-ness and hetero-ness. I suspect that you fellows do not. And if that is the case, then with respect to the gayness issue, I would be rubber and you guys would be glue and whatever you guys say about me bounces off of me and ends up sticking to you.

    Funny how you guys as a group do not have the wherewithal to challenge me or my statements on a direct basis. Where is all this rhetorical arrogance you guys are supposed to be famous for? Seems as if when I come around, it all turns into runny chickenshit and goes runs and hides like a scared little girl. And I hang out around playgrounds in my van so I know what a scared little girl looks like.

  36. Flamingmonkeyass said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Why we challange you? I don’t try and correct the strange, unintelligible shouts from the homeless guy when his on his corner, why would challange him just because he somehow found a way to get online? What do you want us to say?There’s no reason to mock the aggies because they do it themselves without meaning to better than any of us could do with purpose. The SEC is overrated in every sport. What ever other avatar you choose to portray in order to goad us into anger is just further proof that the University of Texas really is the greatest school on the earth because why else would you spend so much time here?

  37. Flamingmonkeyass said:

    June 18th, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Sorry for the grammatical errors. I’d like to blame them on the phone but in reality I’d probably make them just the same.

  38. Orange Onlooker said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 5:48 am

    “just once I would like to see us say ‘yeah, look. It’s a one game schedule. Ou is it.’ ”

    How’d that one game schedule work out for us last year? The myopic focus on OU should not filter out the other games. When it does, you lose games to inferior, front runner squads out in the tortilla flats.

  39. BatesHorn said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 5:49 am

    If loving Coach Boom makes me gay, I don’t want to be straight.

  40. Art Vandelay said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 5:59 am

    “We look out fo yo Intris!”

    That’s gold Jerry, gold!!

  41. Anthony Esposito-Feinberg from NYC said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Muschamp is a calfone with some real chuzpah!

  42. Mike Leach said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 11:40 am

    While being pissed about OU winning the Big 12 championship, did he say anything about losing to us?

  43. 2 tap dancing lions in sailor suits said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Muschamp cannot(and probably never will) deliver a speech like President Obama, but he has this “folksy” kinda style that’s all his own. He gets the message out and its a clear message.

  44. Fall Forward said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 11:54 am

    Muschamp is a legend.

  45. Ecurbmanchild said:

    June 19th, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Leach, I do remember him saying something about “Tech” and “losers”.

  46. Evidence said:

    June 20th, 2009 at 6:37 am

    Nice defense.

  47. Evidence said:

    June 20th, 2009 at 6:37 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur2NfXtvQTs

  48. Parenthetical fail said:

    June 21st, 2009 at 12:49 am

    cannot(and probably never will)

  49. Bob Dole said:

    June 21st, 2009 at 8:24 am

    I see you made a reference to a room full of white guys getting erections at the thought of a young black man. I’m conflicted.

  50. hopefulhorn said:

    July 1st, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Thanks, Vasherized. Needed a hit of football. Fall camp is still a month off–toughest part of the off-season.

    Genius of the deal keeping Muschamp in Austin is what beowulf said: it keeps our defense the ass-kicking soul of the team. Scoring points is great but an intense, physical defense sets a tone that is essential.

  51. orangeut said:

    August 3rd, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Leach, after shitting the bed at ou, Baylor nearly bearing you, and losing to Ole Miss, you might wonder if you team quit on you.

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  • Blake Stansbery commented on the blog post John Pelphrey’s Unconventional Approach   1 hour, 28 minutes ago

    I agree that an NIT bid would be acceptable this year, but that if the Razorbacks can get to 20 wins they will have a very good chance at the NCAA Tourney.

    Our RPI is bad, and we have no signature wins.

    However, we have 8 games left on the SEC regular season schedule. If we

  • Blake Stansbery commented on the blog post Recruiting the Trenches   1 hour, 32 minutes ago

    TP welcome to the network.

    I like how you broke this down, and identified which positions history shows a high star ranking has proven to be important. I personally feel that after what all the recruiting sites dub their top players that there is a major falloff. We all love that the recruiting sites bring

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  • Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Kansas: Post-Mortem   1 hour, 32 minutes ago

    Groundhog Day said:
    February 9th, 2010 at 10:00 am

    “How can everyone on the team have worse basketball sense than my 5th graders? Honestly? We are the dumbest bunch I have ever seen. We weren’t earlier in the year. Hell, Bradley was smartest player, by far, in any of the summer h.s. games. Now he plays

  • Farmer Ted commented on the blog post Petrino Building Fence Around Arkansas   1 hour, 35 minutes ago

    Good stuff JA. But the Huskers call dibs on any dual threat QB named Frazier thankyouverymuch.

  • Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post Did Rick Barnes use a plant last night to distract KU players?   1 hour, 37 minutes ago

    I’m convinced.

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