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The Blind Side Movie

Posted by Scipio Tex on May 27th, 2009 under Football, Recruiting

They’re making a movie out of the Michael Lewis book The Blind Side and it has the potential to be a good flick. And by potential, I mean that it will be purchased by some studio hack who will turn out a football film similar to Johnny B Goode. Who can forget the raw athleticism of Anthony Michael Hall and a coke-addled Robert Downey Jr?

It has also been revealed that Nick Saban and Phil Fulmer have agreed to play themselves.

Saban’s interest in playing himself is obvious. Who else but Nick Saban could play someone so singularly wonderful as Nick Saban? In the book he is portrayed as a charming raconteur who knows a great deal about window treatments. Lewis also subtly suggests that all of the females that he encounters wish to fellate him within moments of being in his presence.

Phil Fulmer’s agreement to participate is strange given that he is portrayed as a socially awkward overeager rube roundly despised by all members of Oher’s adopted family. This is a bit like Joan Crawford begging to appear in Mommy Dearest. It makes Fulmer look like a…a socially awkward overeager rube.

Most crucially, Ed Orgeron will also appear in the movie and that will be a cinematic treat. Brace yourself for such David Mamet style dialogue as:

‘EY DER OOOHHH-AARRRR! EW BIG’N! BO’ WE GON’ MAKE DEM WILD BOYS HAPP’ IN OXFERR. GIT DAT CHUR OFF! WRASSLE ME IN DIS HEAR BACKYAR’! WINNA GIT A CRAWDAD COOKIE!

I don’t like real people playing themselves because real people suck at acting.

My casting suggestions are as follows:

Nick Saban

Henry Winkler could nail this. The Fonz was a 5-8 arrogant opportunist who spent an inordinate amount of his time trying to impress teenagers to do his bidding. Nick Saban, folks.

Phil Fulmer

Fred Thompson will need to pack on about sixty pounds but after viewing his presidental bid, he strikes me as having just the right amount of complacent laziness to nail Fulmer. He will have to lower his gravitas quotient by about 60% – one suggestion would be to have him wear rollerblades and a clown nose right before each scene. While ingesting a ham.

Michael Oher

Yeah, I know Michael Clarke Duncan is old but no one has nailed Oversized-Gentle-Black-Man this well since Luther Vandross.

Ed Orgeron

Yes, that’s Alan Autry and he played Bubba Skinner in the show In The Heat of the Night. He is Ed Orgeron once he administers a tad more Winstrol into his diet. No debate. He was also the two term mayor of Fresno, CA so he’ll actually find shooting locations in Mississippi and Memphis to be an upgrade.

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14 Responses

  1. scally said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am

    They are shooting this at my high school in Atlanta. Sandra Bullock is in it.

  2. Scipio Tex said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Casting Sandra Bullock as Michael Oher is a silly move.

  3. scally said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Tim McGraw as Sean Tuohy and Bullock is his wife. the dude that played the crazy preacher in Deadwood is Burt Cotton.

  4. Gracie Supanoosinphone said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am

    Silly yes, but it will make the shower scenes much more watchable.

  5. Riddler 22 said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Nick-I treasure your opinions. I like your take on pop culture, esp. I’ve always dreamed of a Mr.Ed movie starring Jamie Moyer as “Ed”. Charlie Manual, Cole, Chase, Jimmy Ro & the boys could take turns combing the old horse’s hair. No need to turn him into glue (just yet), the old horse is almost exactly my age and has some life left in him. Jamie’s diet? Rolled oats, barley, alfalfa and hay. Even when I venture into his PA German hometowns of Sellersville & Souderton, I am on a completely different level. What an honour to live so close to where this sports legend evolved! But sports movies don’t seem to draw alot of movie goers. Its all too predictable.

  6. bob san antonio said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I agree. Most movies are boring and you can see the ending coming half way thru the film. I prefer the classics as opposed to any of the new stuff hollywierd puts out.

  7. Black Scholes said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Didn’t realize scally was still in high school.

    Explains. A lot.

  8. TomCollins said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Moneyball is in the works as well. Soderbergh directing. Brad Pitt as Billy Beane. David Justice, Darryl Strawberry, Lenny Dykstra and Scott Hatteberg.

    Let’s start casting Liars Poker now with Barkers.

  9. SizzleChest said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Will there be full frontal nudity in this movie?

  10. Parlin Hall said:

    May 27th, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    What’s next, “Blink” starring Hugh Grant?

  11. Nordberg said:

    May 28th, 2009 at 5:18 am

    Dammit BS, I wanted that hanging curve.

  12. Frank said:

    May 28th, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Henry Winkler already played Nick Saban in The Waterboy.

  13. Xylaphone 'roy said:

    May 28th, 2009 at 8:53 am

    Any movie starring Hugh Grant would become a huge hit. There are personalities/celebrities and then there are true blue movie stars/artists. Hugh is one helluva an artist. He’s the “Eli Manning” of movies. I like the “write up” (type up), Nick.

  14. Mike T said:

    May 28th, 2009 at 10:04 am

    Should be called “Chasing Pavements”.

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