Football Articles
The Wonderful World of Martellus Bennett
Posted by Scipio Tex on April 24th, 2009 under Football
Martellus Bennett has been writing a weekly Cowboys Insider blog for the Dallas Mornings News and it is a thing of wonder. In the last few weeks, Marty B has expressed his belief in aliens (and played one in a board game), caught a woman farting in the grocery store, mocked Mel Kiper as a fraud, and offered advice as to what to do if being chased by a murderer (pick your knees up! so you don’t trip! don’t have lots of keys on your keychain! sorting through them wastes valuable time!).
This week Martellus muses: “Why do black people like chicken?”
Martellus frames the beginning of his Socratic dialogue thusly:
Why do black people love chicken is a question my white friends ask me constantly. Honestly I don’t know the answer to the question besides the fact that fried chicken is delicious.
It seems that this is an incessant question and pesky white people will not stop pestering Martellus for an answer. Being the sensible empirical sort – a Baconian to his core – Martellus decides that he will ask several black people.
The responses vary:
1)everybody likes chicken not just black people.
2) because it’s greasey and black people use grease (LOL)
3) because back in the day that was all they were able to eat.
Everyone else would eat beef and not chicken4) I don’t know fool. Haha.
5) because it’s in our DNA (really)
6) because it’s let’s fattening then red meat
7) because you can cook it with anything
8 ) it makes us run faster and jump higher
9) during slave times chicken was considered dirty so they fed it to
the slaves.10) the media makes people believe chicken is all black people eat.
I’m black and I don’t like chicken. (hahaha yea right)
The correct answers are, of course, #1 and #4.
Everyone loves chicken.
Hell, Sailer Ripley loves chicken and that dude is whiter than Tom Brokaw. He wears plaid and shit and says things like, “Heyyyooooo! Chaz has a helluva golf swing!” He even likes lacrosse. And Vermont!
Martellus concludes, sensibly:
everybody loves chicken despite race sex gender chicken
is scrumptious and everyone enjoys it. If you haven’t had chicken go
get some.
This is nothing less than Andy Kaufmann-esque; it’s living theater; and Martellus is a mad genius. I salute you, Mr Bennett.
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Jim Harrison said:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Where did helmet hair rank Tellus pre draft ?
Blueshorn said:
April 24th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Richard Pryor did a comedy bit on black people eating chicken, but that was 35 years ago.
Hannah Montana is Hot!!! said:
April 24th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Could be cause eating fried chicken is soulful on a physical level. Black folks seem to be attracted to things that are soulful: such as soulful music, dancing, singing, etc., etc. Black folks just must be born with an extra helping in the soul department, cause just from their personalities, they seem to be overrunning with this soul thing-a-majig. White women have even been known to claim that black men are more soulful in bed than their rigid, cardboard like, white meat eating only, analytic white male counterparts.
Too bad all this commercialized, gansta, hip hop b.s. stuff has become so popular to the point of taking away much of this expression of overabundance of the soul from black popular culture. The days of the great blues and jazz artists and the Marvin Gayes seem to have passed us right on by. One could say even that this soul of black culture, the core of it, was not immune to the great tyrannizer of true culture in our day, money and phoney commercialization, and that it too sold itself out, like so many other things which were once authentic in the past.
But, it still does warm my heart that even though the souls of black folk may have sold out to the vulgarity of popular culture, at least their stomachs have stayed true blue to its origins, at least their stomachs have not also sold out. This maybe a plausible explanation for all that chicken loving.
Or maybe it is this: I believe there is a study somewhere out there which concluded that a higher percentage of people with big tushies had a notable higher rate of eating fried chicken than those with small tushies. There obviously is some correlation going on here. Of course, the million dollar question is which came first, the chicken or egg? Is it big tushies that crave the fried chicken or is it the fried chicken that makes for the big tushy? Have to admit, anyone’s guess is as good as mine in this department. I am throughly stumped on this one.
Oh, on a side note: Baconian science and the religion preferred by so many chicken eating folk will be reconciled when people begin to realize that the empirical is not necessarily nor automatically related to the third person perspective. In fact, the very opposite of this scenario seems to be the case, proving that even a rigid, analytical, empirical dork can also be a dreamer of dreams – and, but of course, he is none to wise of it, but the few in number are the ones who ever are.
Ed Blount said:
April 24th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I like turkey with my Bacon.
Nero said:
April 24th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I am white and will forever be thankful for black people introducing me to fried chicken with waffles. I think fried shrimp with waffles is even better.
For whatever reason though white people seem to love the biscuits more than the the fried chicken. I know I do.
That’s racist.
Just thought I would throw that in there – seems to be a theme lately.
coolhorn said:
April 25th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Does it mean I’m suffering from racial confusion because I like grilled chicken with my fettucine Alfredo?
beowulf said:
April 25th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Still too many unanswered questions.
For example, white folk who eat chicken seem to float better and swim faster. However, black folk still don’t float nor swim well, even after 3 squares a day of fried chicken. Even watermelon.
What gives?
damn honky said:
April 25th, 2009 at 4:06 am
A less culturally sensitive person might suggest one possible answer to Mr. Bennett’s enigma is that you can eat fried chicken with handcuffs on. Chortle.
dedfischer said:
April 25th, 2009 at 5:37 am
The purple koolaid in the frig was gold.
Dunstan Pearl said:
April 25th, 2009 at 6:43 am
so many opportunities to use [sic]
SizzleChest said:
April 25th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Chicken alone? No. He should have have talking about chicken AND waffles.
Nero said:
April 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Gimme two piece o’ yard bird, some onion loops, and a errrrrnge drink.
Steve Nebraska said:
April 25th, 2009 at 9:12 am
#4 is my answer to pretty much every question I’m asked on a given day.
pointing fingers -part 2 said:
April 27th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Anti-NY, anti-west coast, anti-white ethnic(Irish, Italian, Eastern European),anti-liberal, anti-badmitten.
Bartoncreek said:
April 27th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
It’s anti-Nazi too. Also, anti-white, anti-politics (a great thing, btw), anti-sooner, anti-aggie and sometimes anti-Texas. They just call them the way they see them. No politcal correctness needed. One of the reasons that it is one of the best blogs on the intranet.
Texas panhandle said:
April 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Never argue with a bunch of guys that sound like Gomer Pyle-they might sic Forrest gump on ya!
Texas panhandle said:
April 27th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I still think Hannah Montana has big gums.
NAFTA sucks said:
April 27th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I still think its all of them fuckin’ Pescky Canadians (NAFTA lovers)trying to invade our culture and take our jobs..telling us how to think and what not. Go back to your igloos and leave us the HELL alone, Canucks!
Ag_in_TX said:
April 27th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Well, Mel Kiper is a fraud – let’s all go ahead and acknowledge that.
Hannah's gums said:
April 27th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I guess the underlying message here is its your right to free speech-no matter how offensive or insulting.If you don’t like it, move on. Please don’t censor me,though!lol
Michael Crabtree said:
April 28th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I dreamed chicken! In my head!
Facebook User said:
April 28th, 2009 at 9:31 am