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Mike Leach Mourns Pirate Slayings, Loss Of Somali Recruiting Pipeline

Posted by Scipio Tex on April 14th, 2009 under Football, Recruiting

Texas Tech football head coach Mike Leach greeted news of Monday’s unsuccessful pirate operation in the Indian Ocean with consternation, sources say. Today, he revealed some of those feelings at an impromptu press conference held at Applebees, ranked #2 on Lubbock’s Trip Advisor restaurant rankings.

“The brotherhood of the pirate is a world fraternity,” said Leach in his Tuesday morning press conference. “Today I mourn for the three lost members of the Habar Gidir clan. May Allah place acid-dipped scorpions in the rectums of their traditional enemies, the Hawiye. Although as an American citizen I oppose teenage gunmen attacking, killing, kidnapping, and ransoming personnel from international shipping freight, and I applaud our brave military for its timely intervention, I do think that those same aggressive pirate instincts could have been put to good use getting off of inside press coverage given the right coaching.”

Leach had been increasing Texas Tech’s recruiting presence in the Horn of Africa for the last several months, masterfully manipulating less athletic clan factions against each other and utilizing his own impeccable piracy credentials to build coalitions of support amongst the most promising Somali fighters with outstanding shuttle times. Leach is widely regarded by many world leaders to be a strong disciplinarian who could add meaningful structure to pirate lives.

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Early mentoring is key

But in the wake of Monday’s events, a renewed climate of hostility with the United States may prevent Leach from obtaining LOIs from his most coveted targets. CIA East Africa bureau chief Clipper Worthington-Saxby believes that this has put a damper on Leach’s recruiting efforts and the strong inroads he’d made with Somali clan elders:

“From a geopolitical recruiting standpoint, he (Leach) was laying the groundwork, doing all of the right things. Somalis operate a lot like AAU basketball coaches, but with more principle. So you have to court them, build their trust; offer RPGs to help them murder a rival. But enough about AAU coaches. He’s got to get Taylor Potts more help at receiver than just Detron Lewis. It was either Somalia or Houston. So he went for the garden spot.”

Aleh Mohammad Siad, a prominent clan leader in Western Mogadishu whose militia of pre-teen gunmen controls fourteen burnt out cinder block buildings, a three-legged donkey with cart, and a 1983 Magnavox VCR cassette player, agreed with Worthington-Saxby’s assessment remarking on CNN, “The clan leader of Lubbock gave me a Chinese dubbed VCR cassette of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. This pleased me as it doubled our cassette supply – we already possessed the delightful romantic comedy Notting Hill . He also secured me tickets to Ramadanopalooza in Jeddah where some hotties in the crowd stripped down to their wrists.”

But Siad is now confused about where Tech and his clan’s relations now stand.

“Those were the halcyon days. With this new American aggression, we wonder if the warlord of Lubbock had not been conspiring with the men of the Togdheer region – may their urine burn like kerosene in the depths of their hyena genitals. This is all more confusing than when Angelina Jolie tried to purchase one of my best gunmen.”

Still, the area beckons as a fertile, untapped recruiting era and analysts from the NSA, the Mossad, Rivals and Scout believe that the lure of the Somali pirate athlete is too strong for coaches to stay away.

Burnt Orange Beat’s Gerry Hamilton, a respected analyst from Texas, offered insights as to why:

“Somalis are plus athletes. Strikers. Very aggressive. Very technical. Drive technicals. Will hit the ballcarrier, get run over, initiate a feud, track down the ballcarrier’s family, murder them all brutally. So, there’s an intimidation factor. They play downhill. Literally. Like sprinting downwards from a hiding place in the pressbox. Frames need work. Eating more than one meal a week and getting them off of the qat will help them add 70-80 pounds during a redshirt year, getting them up into the 190s. Great hips and change of direction, particularly when faced with withering gunfire. Great Qat-angles. They’re also very explosive in the sense that they carry actual explosives.”

As for language barriers and cultural acclimation?

“I don’t see that as a big problem,” opined Hamilton. “They’re ahead of most kids from East Texas. The real downside with these Somalis is their utter inability to relate to the modern nation-state. Their clan feudal system represents a confluence of anti-modern impulse: traditional Islam and African tribalism – a combination anathema to the building of a democratic and enlightened polity. Then add the fact that they were colonized by the exploitative and comically disorganized Italians. So they’ll do some mischevious kid stuff: set fire to tires and dance around them shrieking and firing bullets into the air, run protection rackets in the dorms, build a pirate flotilla in the school fountain – so it’s important to get them good mentoring.”


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31 Responses

  1. BurntHorn said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    No Afrikka Bambaata tag?

  2. Scipio Tex said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Damn.

  3. dedfischer said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Oh, that’s good.

  4. dedfischer said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    FYI, I’m sending more jackanapes this way, so be prepared for the onslaught. Should be good for bidness though.

  5. kevwun said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    I can’t believe Gerry didn’t mention their growth plates.

  6. Hippie said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    formerly of Jasper, now in Tyler, I take offense to the East Texan comment (however true it may be).

  7. Mike Leach said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    As we speak, I am tweeting so that my desert brethren will unleash a fatwah on your t-sipping arrrrse.

    May the burning Saharan sands sear the flesh from…wait a sec, I’m getting a text from OBL. OMG. He just called me his BPFF.

  8. Clipper Worthington-Saxby said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    I guess you want Reggie Wilson to go to TCU.

  9. Scipio Tex said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    Reggie Wilson is from West Africa, Mr Worthington-Saxby. However, given the track record of the CIA of late, I understand your confusion.

  10. Nero said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    Applebees may want to add some doro wat and injera bread to the menu.

    More Somalis might give Tech the endurance to actually finish a season.

  11. Kafka said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Wow, amazingly funny. My favorites:

    “Early mentoring is key” (beneath the picture of kids with light infantry weapons)

    “Somalis operate a lot like AAU basketball coaches, but with more principle.”

    “This is all more confusing than when Angelina Jolie tried to purchase one of my best gunmen.”

    “They’re also very explosive in the sense that they carry actual explosives.”

  12. Vasherized said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    The Pulitzer committee has been notified.

    We can only hope that they will acknowledge this luminary work of embedded reportage.

  13. Parlin Hall said:

    April 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Cue my Ed McMahon praise.

  14. Tim said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 3:22 am

    I’ve come around to your way of thinking. I agree, Texas is aces!

  15. glenn said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 4:57 am

    very amusing. a lot of fun. especially whoever is pretending to be tim in the comments.

  16. Spider said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 5:28 am

    Can’t blame Dixon. With the eye patch, you only read half as fast.

  17. uthookem said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 5:54 am

    Tim is really, really dumber than I thought.

    Hook ‘em!

  18. jc25 said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 6:07 am

    Very nice! But Notting Hill over Simple Jack?

  19. Houstonearler said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Poor Tim. Tech’s best season ever still results in a second tier bowl game where they got their asses handed to them.

    Tech will always be second rate. Enjoy your once every 6 year win against us.

  20. Facebook User said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 8:18 am

    We’re not going to turn this into anything about Tim. Deleting/editing his posts from here on out.

    Good night.

  21. The Tortilla Retort » Blog Archive » Talent Pool Shallowed for Leach in Pirate Attack said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am

    [...] of reasons, nobody has more Horn of Africa contacts than Scipio Tex at the Barking Carnival.  Read the article here, to get an idea of what hoops one might have to jump through to gain access in the Somalia Pirate [...]

  22. Billy Ray Valentine said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 11:22 am

    WABULLY WABULLY WABULLY WA HA! WABULLY WABULLY WA HA! AH HA HA HA!

  23. mr. sunshine said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 11:41 am

    “formerly of Jasper…”

    Hey, Hippie, I still live here. I didn’t know we were free to leave.

  24. Tim said:

    April 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    I’m so popular around here now, that not only do I get impersonated, but my impersonations are now going to be edited and deleted.

    Hell, Scipio isn’t even cool enough to get impersonated and deleted.

    Ya’ll just need to hook me up with a BC blogger login. You could even go Aggie, and make me use ‘Techtard’ or something.

    By the way is this a payin gig? Taxes were a little steep this year.

  25. coach Callahan said:

    April 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am

    You need more deductions since you took that high paying gig at McDonalds tim.

  26. glenn said:

    April 16th, 2009 at 9:23 am

    hey, do you wizards take requests?

    can you regale us with the article ol’ thayer would have written had he been out of diapers when derrick dorris was recruited?

  27. glenn said:

    April 16th, 2009 at 9:34 am

    by the way, if you choose to accept this mission, you are going to have to do yeoman’s chores to outdo the fort worth startlegram way back when.

  28. Tim said:

    April 17th, 2009 at 2:17 am

    We kicked your asses all over the field.

  29. Tim's Mom said:

    April 17th, 2009 at 5:52 am

    “You could even go Aggie, and make me use ‘Techtard’ or something.”

    Tim, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times, you are not a techtard, you are a fucktard.
    Now be a good boy and put on your helmet and reattach your tether..

  30. TB said:

    April 17th, 2009 at 6:05 am

    “It was either Somalia or Houston. So he went for the garden spot.”

    That makes me laugh.

  31. Dennis Franchioni said:

    April 19th, 2009 at 7:37 am

    No Little Debbies in Somalia.

    End of the story.

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