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UNC National Champions? Thank Dexter Pittman

Posted by Trips Right on April 7th, 2009 under Basketball

According to the douchebags north of the Red River. Apparently, Sexy Dexy slapped the game out of Blake Griffin and set the basketball world on its collective ear by not allowing the Sooners their rightful place as a one seed.

F’ng Dexter Pittman and his dexterous pimp slaps that were stealthily delivered beyond the watchful eyes of cameras, officials, and fans alike. Only the cross-dressing Griffin and his ghoulish mother truly know the brutishness that is Dexter Pittman’s ring finger and its willing accomplice, Doge Balbay’s ulnar bone.

Somewhere, Mookie Blaylock is tipping his 40 in homage to creatine’s favorite son, the hyper-concussed, glass-jawed Blake Griffin.

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31 Responses

  1. Sonny Liston said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Say man, phantom punches are no joke.

  2. kevwun said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Blake Griffin only pawn in game of life.

  3. 98 said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 10:52 am

    dexy is going to bitch slap the game out of tiny gallon too if he thinks about getting any closer than the 3 point line.

  4. Woody Bombay said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Don’t look at the lights, Blake! Don’t look at the lights!

  5. Sally Field said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Somebody get Blake Griffin some fuckin’ boniva.

  6. Art Vandelay said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Dave Sittler – Tulsa World Sports Columnist*

  7. Vasherized said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Don’t look at the lights, Blake! Don’t look at the lights!

    OU’s trainer shielding Blake’s eyes from the searing arena lights remains one of the strangest in-game activities I’ve witnessed.

    He showed the protective instincts of a mother Lynx with the grace of a Dingo.

    Blake, don’t fail me now! We’ve battled veteran tribes and crossed frozen tundras to reach this epic battleground. Don’t let a bent eyelash destroy all your hard work in the dry river bed under the hot sun!

    Come, I shall shield thy wound from unwanted dwellers nearby that are mystified by this tragedy. Even if if costs you a shot in the Great War, I will not venture to question your valour or toughness while our tribe is being assaulted and desperately needs you. For your legend is already written in mine eye … No! Keep them shut, I shall tell the story in rhyme when you are older. Now let me fetch thee a bucket to wretch out thine anguish. Booooomer!!

  8. HornsHornsHorns said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 11:49 am

    That is the most pathetic thing I have ever read. Texaggy “pure gold” threads included.

  9. ctex80 said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 11:50 am

    If someone could photoshop crying OU kid’s face onto Blake Griffin’s body, that’d be great.

  10. Blueshorn said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    If only this were true, I would be thrilled that we screwed the gooners over. As usual, they’re delusional about how great they are.

    The funny thing is, it wasn’t even Dexy who cold-cocked him.

  11. NateHeupel said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    What a load of shite. Had OU played UNC in the national championship game, the score STILL would’ve been 72-60, and it might’ve been worse on a bigger stage.

    Don’t lump us all in with that f*cking martian.

  12. Tommy said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    I propose a new theory: If OU was a national title caliber team, Blake Griffin’s head wouldn’t have been made of glass.

  13. Scipio Tex said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    This almost makes me feel better about our gay fake Big 12 title.

    Almost.

  14. Emmett Fitzhume said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    “OU may not have fared any better in the title game than it did in the Elite Eight. But now that the Big Dance is over, we know the Sooners played the Tar Heels tougher than anyone else they met on the road to the Final Four” – idiot columnist.

    This seems to be the underlying justification for a comical act of sports masturbation. Really, if only Pittman and Balbay hadn’t knocked out Glass Joe, oversensitizing his retinas for days to come, we could have lost to the exact same team at a slightly different time period.

  15. Facebook User said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    blake griffin can't see

  16. Facebook User said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Scipio – I think this is what you meant:

    This almost makes me feel better about our gay fake Big 12 title.*

    *Almost.

  17. Vasherized said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    That’s the one, Sailor. Nice find.

  18. Scipio Tex said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    OHHH NOOO, you DIDN’T!

  19. Thayer Evans said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    What an excellent, thought provoking article. Seems a little dry though. I would have spiced it up some with some cleat chasers romancing Sexy Dexy in front of Blakes one good eye.

  20. hot wire said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    No. 1 seed or not, OU did not deserve to make to the Final Four. OU’s team, aside from Griffin, was not very good. With him taking up all that attention inside, the only thing they had to do was hit their wide open 3 balls and they could not even do that. The OU team next year without Griffin is going to suck real bad.

  21. Newy25 said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Wow.

  22. hiphopopotamus said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    It’s really a wonder newspapers have become obsolete.

  23. RansomStoddard said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Unbelievable. It’s hard to express how truly ignorant that column is. I lost IQ points just by reading it.

  24. Facebook User said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    HipHop: Stop The Presses

  25. Kurt said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Lol, that is hilarious. Talk about excuses, this has to be one of the lamest.

  26. Richard Simmons said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    I’ve seen it all: Nothing’s gayer* than a university so steeped in tradition celebrating a fake championship.

    *Absolutely nothing

  27. OJ Simpson said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Okay. Okay. Here’s what happened.

    I was cleaning my knife and Dexter Pittman bumped into my back causing me to repeatedly stab Ron and Nicole. Seriously.

  28. zyzzybalubah said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    I don’t get this guy’s point. Does it matter WHEN OU gets beat by UNC?

    OU should be thanking Pittman for saving them the embarrassment of losing a second national championship in one year.

  29. zyzzybalubah said:

    April 7th, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    … actually, how many illegitimate national championship appearances do the Sooners think they deserve in one year?

  30. Facebook User said:

    April 8th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

  31. NateHeupel said:

    April 8th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Sailor, do my eyes deceive me, or are these dumb asses starting fires on the street at random?

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