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Can I See Dead People?

Posted by The General on March 3rd, 2009 under Basketball

On Trip’s Right’s Baylor Post, kevwun raised a valid question regarding The Doge of Jester and whether he has the ability to un-Gottlieb. Or, more plainly, Can Doge learn to shoot?

This is the overriding question for the Doge Balbay fan club. It is the difference between being a leader on a team that is going to back to back Final Fours in 2010 and 2011, and being the odd man out in the guard rotation of a team that is a couple of breaks away from the big time but flames out in the second weekend of The Big Dance.

All Doge has to do is avoid mid game text messages from Trips Right cause they ain’t helpin’ the confuhdense yo (see how I went all multi-cultural there) and learn to hit a fifteen footer about 40% of the time in live action and 65% of the time from the free throw line. Then, he is Mateen Cleaves or Khalid El Amin. Sounds easy right? And, good yes? Well, Doge has managed to learn none of this in his previous 20 years stranded on the insignifigant blue-green planet third from its medium small star that its inhabitants call the Sun.

Lets break down the parts of the jump shot real quick to see what he needs to fix.

1) Base: An athletic position (feet shoulder width apart children) square or nearly square to your objective is necessary for every athletic endeavour. Jump shooting is no different.
2) Eyes on the target
3) Hold the ball in your finger tips or at least more in your fingers than in your palm.
4) Jump straight up an down
5) Stay Balanced and don’t fall to the side or away.
6) If you are a poor shooter, shoot the ball ‘up’ as opposed to ‘at’ the basket.
7) CONFIDENCE!!!

The good news is that Doge violates all of the above rules. The bad news is Sailor Ripley got into the Kahlua again and lost the keys Barking-mobile. I may have those backwards.

Doge shoots with his hips square to the bench, fades away and to the side, while palming the ball, shooting it directly at the rim, and his eyes adverted from the horror that will necessarily ensue. He even falls away on his FREE THROWS!!! (That was interwebspeak for horrendous screaming of the last two words of the previous sentence). Let’s go good news/bad news again.

The good news is that Doge does so many things fundamentally awful that he might be Reggie Miller and we would never know it. The bad news is that I can’t possibly be the first person to notice these things and The Doge has been playing competitive basketball for 10 years? Longer?

That makes me want to hop a plane to Istanbul and start indiscriminant flogging of Little Dribblers coaches until I find the fuckwit that didn’t stop Doge when he was eight and say, “Oğlu, bu nasıl boşa basketbol.” (I love the effing interwebs)

None of this really answers the question, “Can Doogie Shooter MB learn to shoot?” All evidence says no. And when I say evidence, I mean the anecdotal cases that I can remember from my alcohol and antibiotic fractured mind. Royal Ivey couldn’t shoot when he got here, but he was technically excellent and he improved with repitition and left an outstanding mid range guy and proficient three point shooter. Varez Ward is nearly as poor a shooter as Doge, but his form is mostly sound and I think he will be fine if he puts in the work and stops torturing Barnes’ puppy or whatever he does that makes RB hate him.

I really can’t remember anyone that was as bad as Dogus outside of Herr Potsmoker Gottlieb. He managed to get worse in nearly all metrics in his three years at Oklahoma A&M. Do I think Dogus can improve? Yes, I do. I also think that if Shaq hired me I could have him shooting 75% from the charity strip in a month and I would get laid alot more. So, Shaq, Dogus, Rick y’all know where to find me. My services are for sale.

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11 Responses

  1. EggNog said:

    March 3rd, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    I have to wonder how much his aggressive defense kills his legs when shooting on the other end. I haven’t played close attention to the horror that is his shooting, but does it get worse as the game wears on?

  2. Texoz said:

    March 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    If life were a game of HORSE, will Dogus forever be a HO?

    HO-pefully not. Kid is fierce competitor and has some amazing physical skills.

  3. SkymonkeyHorn said:

    March 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    International 24 second shot clock. Dog never learned to shot mid-range shots, mid-range for Dog is 4 feet and in front of the basket.
    Did you see that great side step at SPEED and the finger roll. Looked like Mano down the road.
    Dog has always been fast enough and quick to beat his defender or two before a layup.

    I am waiting for a frigging dunk by the Dog but I suspect RB has told him to hold back before he gets the crowd in an uproar.

  4. lawdog13 said:

    March 3rd, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Have never seen a lifelong baller learn how to shoot in his 20s. That turkish tigger ain’t changing his stripes.

  5. Trips Right said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 6:40 am

    Doge has the same problem most Chicago ballers have. Chicago players have to learn to go to the basket because it’s so damned windy and shooting is futile. Doge has never had to shoot because to date, nobody could stay in front of him so shooting became an unneccesary risk. A risk apparently understood by his Turkish coach.

  6. The General said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 8:05 am

    I have to wonder how much his aggressive defense kills his legs when shooting on the other end. I haven’t played close attention to the horror that is his shooting, but does it get worse as the game wears on?

    It isn’t dead legs. He is a really bad shooter even in shoot around. There is a big difference in shoot arounds and a real game. A couple of things I have seen in shoot arounds this year:

    1) Blake Griffin drained 25 footers for about ten minutes.
    2) Justin Mason goes about 30-35 in warm ups. He has the same awful spin and form, but the ball flies out of his hand straight instead of sideways.

    Dogus is just as bad in shoot arounds as he is in live action. This may be the type of thing that requires the death of a live chicken.

  7. chitwood said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 8:12 am

    as opposed to the death of a dead chicken?

  8. The General said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am

    as opposed to the death of a dead chicken?

    You obviously don’t know voodoo.

  9. chitwood said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 8:37 am

    love me some santaria

  10. jonestopten said:

    March 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am

    How did we recruit an undersized white European who can’t shoot? Didn’t they require him to watch the Peja Stojokavic Instructional Video series? Is the export of the NBA finally having an effect on the fundamental skills of Euros?

    I would blame Turkey, but clearly Hedo Turkoglu can shoot.

  11. caradoc said:

    March 5th, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Could it be depth perception? Has he had his eyes checked?

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