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Dinner for Five

Posted by Doperbo on February 25th, 2009 under Uncategorized

One of my longest running internal debates is whether or not I’m gay.

I actually didn’t write that, one of my colleagues did while I was on break. I decided to leave it in for the manifold enjoyments it might offer our readers; in that my bit of it remains a nicely turned phrase, it’s a unique look into the working conditions I deal with here at Barking Carnival, and it’s also a not so subtle cry for help.

I think it would be nice if our readers send the Barker they feel is most likely responsible for this act of vandalism some emotional support. Or maybe a glitter-covered Wham! poster. Whatever you think they’d like.

In any event, I’ll start over.

One of my longest running internal debates ( preface: they are legion, ranging from trivial Ginger/Mary Ann – Kirk/Picard pablum to more gut-wrenching heartfelt decisions that really matter, like whether Saved by the Bell: The College Years was worse than Saved by the Bell: The New Class. I know. Morton’s Fork. I warned you. ) is what person, in the history of the world, I would most like to hang out with.

There are two problems with this internal debate. Three if you count the fact that you’re having an internal debate in the first place- but we’re going to brush that one aside, because we like you. You’re our kind of guy. A man’s man. Full of bravado and handshakefulness. The kind of guy who is supposed to be poring over productivity data on a flatscreen during the faculty meeting but is secretly wondering if Dalton could beat Snake Plisken in a stick fight. You use Splenda, but you rip open three packages at once and thrash around like a Mamluk cavalry attack getting it into your coffee. Like a real man. The kind of man who heartily splashes his aftershave on in the morning and speaks loudly and slowly to spanish speakers throughout the day so that they might understand. In short, you’re one of us.

Anyway, back to our internal debate. Two problems. One: half the people I’d like to hang out with don’t actually exist, in fact never existed. Shocking. Two: it’s fairly volatile at the top of the list, making it hard to nail down a true leader from minute to minute, for example if you’re trying decide between Jack Donaghy and Spiderman. It’d be nice to include both. Which brings us back to problem number one. Damn.

In order to circumvent this I’ve established some ground rules, loosely using the formula Jon Favreau popularized on his series of the same name, only instead of pseudo-intellectual (does that count as a Peter Kingism? Judges?) hollywood types hiding behind a facade of erudite conversation and noxious cigar smoke you can invite anyone who has ever existed. You can literally pick any person in history at any point in their lives. Ever. Except Huck.

We’ll provide a universal translator/babel fish equivalent, a supposition of unconditional positive regard/suspension of disbelief from the participants, and a location, say Maudie’s between 6pm and 8pm this Saturday. You pick 4 people. Plan carefully. The other fundamental rules of the universe remain in play. Brehznev and Krushchev may or may not get along (it’s sort of complicated). If you can’t take Genghis Khan down without help then don’t invite/provoke him. Or invite help. Wacky pairings like Jesus and Hugh Hefner probably look better on paper. Etc. If four of the San Diego Charger Girls will not make out with you currently, odds are that’ll carry over also.

Alternatively, put Sir Richard Francis Burton and Andrew Ridgeley in your list just to fuck with Scipio. That’s a completely valid approach.

My list is heavy on intellect and light on partying, here it is, in no particular order.

1. Robert Hooke. You can substitue anyone from the founding years of the Royal Society here: Wren, Boyle, Wilkins, Moray, whoever, but Hooke is the most interesting to me. He was a fairly well acknowledged asshole and stole quite a few of his ideas, but still the breadth and depth of intellect there was astonishing. And probably the Tex-Mex would calm him down. That whole time period in London is pretty interesting, it was the free-wheeling chaotic inception of formal scientific peerage the way we understand it today and it must have been a helluva time. Build a microscope one day, attach bellows to a dog’s ass to figure out what it connects to the next. No rules, comically stupid outfits, and literally just making up shit to experiment on half the time. It was like a cross between the NIH and a bunch of drunk frat guys. Dude. Dude. We set this shit on fire yesterday and it fucking went off. Seriously. No. No. You should’ve seen it. Should’ve seen it. Newton got pissed dude. Called Boyle a total douchenozzle. Seriously. Check it out. It’s like phosphorum or some shit. Ask Hooke, he was there. Ask him. Wait,… what?

BTW- Neal Stephenson has some interesting fiction about that time period if you’re interested.

2. Alan Lomax. If you want the abridged version read The Land Where The Blues Began , but that’s only part of the story. This guy was way ahead of his time. Poseurs usually put Robert Johnson in this slot, but Clapton got it wrong on this one. Trust me. The crossroads mythology and the mystery surrounding his early years is interesting- but he’s a minor player in the original blue pantheon- most of whom Lomax hung out with at some point. He recorded Son House and Muddy Waters before anyone who remotely looks like us, including dudes from 60’s Brit rock bands, cared. He left Harvard for UT (during the Great Depression, so he’s probably on TaylorT’s list) and basically became a folklorist. He branched out into every other kind of non-mainstream music conceivable, basically spending his life traveling around the world recording songs that wouldn’t exist anymore if he hadn’t. The only downside is that the whole One-World music phenomena that annoys you during a Starbucks interlude is his fault. Minor deduction there, but overall well worth talking to for a few hours for the Delta Blues stuff alone. Carl Sagan asked for his input for the Voyager Golden Record.

3. Jefferson. You could put one of several of the more notable polymaths here, Leibniz, Newton, Goethe, Ben Franklin… Jefferson is the one I’d like to talk to. Read up sometime on his opinions on the Republican State, national banking, human rights, civil liberty, gun control, even slavery- the issue for which he is most often attacked. He was a very deep thinking individual. It’d be interesting to talk to the guy who crafted The Declaration for no other reason than that, but this guy had a lot of sides to him. Archeology, philosophy, religion. His book collection was the seed for our Library of Congress.

4. Plutarch. Similar theme to Lomax here, you could hang out with Alexander, Sulla or Pompey themselves or you could hang out with the guy who was in the best position to know all of them, by immediate reputation if nothing else. Plutarch was the historian of his day, so much so that with only a third or so of his writings surviving he still influenced western authors two millenia later. I’d really love to pick his brain.

So there are my four. They’ll probably change tomorrow. As it’s the offseason I’m genuinely interested in hearing who makes your lists- if nothing else I expect to find some people I’ve never heard of, but should have.

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105 Responses

  1. Steve Nebraska said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I think you gotta include the prophet Mohammed in there. We could clear up a lot of shit and save ourselves a lot of trouble if we could nail him down on a few things in the Koran.

  2. upgrayedd said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:31 am

    One of those four was my grandfather’s brother but I am not saying which.

  3. SI Cheerleader of the Week said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:33 am

    1. Jesus – Because without him we wouldn’t be here, DUH!!!!

    2. My Grandfather – He passed away 3 years ago and I would do anything to have one more conversation with him.

    3. Kellie Pickler – Her songs have just meant so much to me and got me through some tough times, like when my Grandfather passed away. Plus, it’s just an amazing story of how she came from nothing and worked so hard to get where she is. She’s such an inspiration.

    4. JFK – Everything he did to free the black people and stuff, I just think it would be so awesome to talk to him. On top of that, he was really HOT!!!

  4. SI Cheerleader of the Week said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Why is the Barking Carnival trying to sell me a Carnival Bra on the side of my screen?

  5. Facebook User said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:40 am

    We’re actually trying to get you to take off your bra.

  6. Doperbo said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    I see the editing hijinks continue apace. Great.

    “One of those four was my grandfather’s brother but I am not saying which.”

    Unless you’re more than 200 years old it’s somewhat straightforward. That’s pretty cool btw.

  7. SI Cheerleader of the Week said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Perverts!!! Peace.

  8. PatronSaint said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Steven Buchele, Manuel Lee, Pete O’Brian, Scott Fletcher.

  9. upgrayedd said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:43 am

    You found me out.

    I was lucky enough to eat tamales with him a few times, once with John Henry Faulk. Those two could run through some tamales and Budweiser, believe me.

  10. The General said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Because I am demanding a raise, and we can’t sell anymore of Trips Right’s semen without causing a genetic disaster of epic proportions.

  11. jc25 said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Totally off the top of my head, and will regret this list mightily later.

    Louis XIV.
    Isaac Newton.
    Da Vinci.
    And Marilyn Monroe.

  12. Vasherized said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Gotta watch those boys from San Francisco, Doperbo.

    Incidentally, I recently found out my great uncle, Sir Anthony Blunt, was a gay spy for the Soviet Union and one of the Cambridge Five.

    Nice work uncle Tony.

    Clearly I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Ya fag.

  13. Mike Jackson said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Any four random little white boys..

  14. don't kill me said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:18 am

    MJ I believe you mean although these in there hey day
    McCaulay Culkin
    Cory Haim
    Cory Feldmen
    and Bubbles, the chimp that doesn’t rip people’s faces off

  15. dedfischer said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:18 am

    This week’s cheerleader, Tomi Tomson of Michigan, says:

    Five people I’d like to have dinner with (living or dead) are: Jesus, Katie K so she can meet Jesus, my sister’s biological father and baby who both passed away, and my sister so she can meet them.

    I’m hooked on those bios. That may be a new weekly offseason feature. One myth about cheerleaders is that we aren’t athletes!!! is always my favorite.

  16. Bateshorn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Because I have work to do, I’ll throw it out there for ghits and shiggles, this list will be compleletly different by this afternoon.

    Bunny Allen
    Benjamin Franklin
    Emilie Chatelet
    Marine Lt. Col. “Chesty” Puller

    Bunny Allen was the last of the great white hunters and bedded half of hollywood during the big 1950’s Safari movie hoopla, including grace kelly and ava gardner. You can’t pass on a ladies man like that

    Franklin, well, because he’s the most entertaining of the founders.

    Chatelet was a French noblewoman know as a notable mathamatician and a woman of somewhat loose virtue.

    Puller was a Marine Commander at Guadalcanal. I’ve always wanted to hear a first hand account of America’s Stalingrad.

  17. Bateshorn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Of course the drawback of my list is that almost any of those 3 guys would get on Chatelet before me.

  18. Big Satan said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:34 am

    Kinda like a KSK mock draft, of sorts.

    Shakespeare
    Alexandre Dumas
    Alexander Hamilton
    Leonardo DeVinci

    And if i were a man of science and engineering, which I’m not, I’d have to go with Nikola Tesla.

  19. Servant Girl Annihilator said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:41 am

    All fine names, but what about people like me? I was keeping Austin weird a half-a-century before the first puff of maryjuwanna.

    Your blog examines the best and the brightness – people that yearn to promote progress, discovery….and bikinis.

    People like me represent the Id run amok. We don’t lurk in the shadows like a character from a Sherlock Holmes novel, but we walk in broad daylight. We are fathers, brothers, sons, and sometimes daughters. Yo, Lizzy Borden! Shout out, sista.

    Put at least one of us on your list if you want some insight into pre-historic man, and I don’t mean the Geico caveman.

    We are the bottomless pit of despair that you want to avoid. We are the Four Horsemen.

  20. glenn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:41 am

    curious, si cheerleader, do you only have one grandfather?

    i don’t mean to suggest that there’s anything wrong with that.

  21. Vasherized said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Stephenson’s Baroque Cycle is a good recommendation. Crazy read.

  22. TaylorTRoom said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Kit Carson (yes, he is a real figure from history)
    King David (yes, I personally believe he is a real figure from history, and a reading of Samuel reveals he was Machiavellian about 2500 years before Machiavelli)
    Winfield Scott (Napoleon said he was the greatest general in the world)
    Bob Hope (because who doesn’t like Bob Hope?)

  23. dedfischer said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    I’m not sure I would go as far back as Doperbo. I would probably get pissed off at all the, “thous” and “thees” and shit being used in dialect.

    The only problem with Kit Carson is he wouldn’t say anything. (I recommend reading “Blood and Thunder” for anyone interested in Carson, just an FYI)

    My 4 people always rotate based on the books I’m currently reading. Right now, I’m doing a little history project for a friend and because I’m into that shit, so my top 4 are:

    - Billy Dixon
    - Quanah Parker (& translator)
    - Charles Goodnight
    - Col. Ranald MacKenzie

  24. Parlin Hall said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 11:51 am

    I was going to answer this differently before Bateshorn mentioned Grace Kelly, but now I can’t think of three other people I’d want there.

    Question–would there be liquor?

    Guaranteed?

  25. uthookem said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Funny you mention Maudie’s. It is my all time favorite restaurant, and one of the reasons I moved back to Texas.

    1. My late step-dad – he raised me from when I was 18 months old, and he passed away on my third day of college at UT. I’d love to speak with him again.

    2. Forrest Gober – I received a scholarship in his name while at UT, and it helped my go on a few more dates and enjoy Austin when I wasn’t studying. It has also sparked an interest in me to have a scholarship in my name one day as well.

    3. Thomas Friedman – fella writes some good books.

    4. Kay Parker – I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves.

    Hook ‘em!

  26. Stuck in MN said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    I usually go the other way and try to construct the least enjoyable dinner party- Hitler, Rosie ODonnell, Idi Amin, and Barbra Streisand.

  27. dutchie said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    1) Jefferson (this is easily #1, my favorite historical figure)
    2) Escoffier (Don’t call me a francophile, fuckers)
    3) George Orwell (The libertarian in me would love to pick his brain)
    4) Kant (Dude is right about everything)

    Those who just missed the list:

    Jimmy Page
    Peter Singer AND an Aggie (First, I think its funny to converse with people who are wrong about almost everything. Second, the side bet on which one would bring up sex with animals first could get interesting)
    Tony Bourdain
    Salvador Dali
    Tucker Max (with the historical figures, lots of booze, and a fat chick near by)

    Historical figures interest me, but like it’s said earlier, many times you could just swap one for another.

  28. Bateshorn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Oh, I think Idi Amin could be entertaining, right up until the moment he had you mixed in with the taco salad.

    Tony Bourdain is an impressive choice. Escoffier would scream that the onions weren’t properly diced and storm off into the kitchen to wreak havoc.

  29. dutchie said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    “3. Thomas Friedman – fella writes some good books.”

    I am terrible at internet sarcasm, so please excuse me if I didn’t get your joke.

    Thomas Friedman is a moron.

  30. uthookem said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Your take, dutchie, I was not being sarcastic, so I guess I’m a moron, too.

  31. Doperbo said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Yeah, Bateshorn introduction of a smart hot woman and likely purveyor of easy virtue throws my list completely askew as well. Might have to curb my stance.

    Parlin- Alcohol is provided along with a general suspension of anachronistic problems, like Da Vinci’s lack of working deodorant and probable fascination with the ceiling fan or finding out how many lime wedges fit in a Corona bottle.

    Stuck in MN- I’m pretty sure I was at the party in West U/Houston one time. Had to be the same group.

  32. Kay B. H. said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    I was a cheerleader and I’m about to rip Rick Perry’s face off.

    I got your athlete right here.

  33. dutchie said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    uthookem – I see Thomas Friedman as the Rachel Ray of journalists. He brings ideas to the masses in an easily digestible fashion, and it has taken off rapidly. That is not a bad thing.

    I just find the technique absolutely horrible. There are some laws you don’t violate in cooking, and some laws you just don’t violate in journalism. You don’t make metaphors saying something to the effect of “It fourth and inches and the point guard hit a home run before the umpire gave him a yellow card for cross checking.”

    Some people really do think ketchup on eggs is acceptable fare. I just don’t fall into that group.

  34. Doperbo said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    francophile

  35. Huckleberry said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Today’s list:

    José Raúl Capablanca
    Bobby Fischer
    Emanuel Lasker
    Paul Morphy

  36. Minnesotahorn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Fun stuff Doperbo.

    Like many, I’m tempted to use a spot on a deceased relative (paternal grandfather) that I’d love to be able to interact with in maturity. Whoever just turned on Mike & The Mechanics can go fuck themselves.

    I considered both James Cook and Robert Falcon Scott but that’s really more for their exploits and each kept pretty extensive journals of those, to the point that I’m not sure how much more one would gain from first person interaction.

    Sidney Reilly would be pretty cool although he’d almost certainly sucker you into the tab. Or assassinate you.

    Franklin’s an easy one but brilliant, humorous drunks are a priceless commodity. You know what, add in Churchill too then.

    And Daffy Duck. I’m almost positive that motherfucker’s a raving bigot and I’ll bet after a couple drinks you could get it out of him. “You know what the pppproblem isss. The bbblacksss!” Despicable indeed sir.

  37. Dejuan Blair said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Mr. T
    Eddie Murphy
    Fred Willard
    Jim Morrison

  38. Scipio Tex said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Love Hooke and all he represents from that era. Wasn’t he a famous curmudegeon though? Might put a damper on convo.

    Didn’t know who Alan Lomax was. Good stuff.

    Jefferson is a great choice. I thought his portrayal in the John Adams mini-series was well done. He was an interesting cat with many admirable and a few less admirable qualities.

    Plutarch. Bueno.

    I honestly have trouble filling these out because there are about 50 different figures I’d like to dine with off-hand and trimming the list feels like I’m sending somone into exile.

  39. Stuck in MN said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    1. Franklin or Jefferson- both brilliant, but probably only need one as a lot of their stuff will overlap. If Franklin, move dinner location to Yellow Rose, if Jefferson, choose a rib joint in East Austin.

    2. Gus McCrae- yes, I read the rules and I don’t care that he is a fictional character, I’m inviting him.

    3. DaVinci

    4. Robert E. Lee

  40. uthookem said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I see your point, dutchie. I would, however, bend Rachel Ray over her collander…but I’d first have to put a gag-ball in her mouth so she would STFU!

    Re: Friedman
    I have not read any of his articles, just ‘The World is Flat’ and I’m getting into ‘Hot, Flat, and Crowded.’

    He writes a good story and would be interesting to speak to because of his travels.

    Alright, since dutchie won’t give me the popular writer, I’m stuck with picking one more.

    Fuck it. I’ll take Mack Brown. It would be nice to see if he is really full of shit, but I’d bet he’d make me feel like a million bucks while I was hanging out with him, just seems like that type of guy.

  41. dedfischer said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    “2. Gus McCrae- yes, I read the rules and I don’t care that he is a fictional character, I’m inviting him.”

    Then, your choice here woud be Charles Goodnight. He was the real life McCrae.

    Has anyone here read the book “Two Hooks In Her”?

  42. Vasherized said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Thought about this on and off all day. It’s impossible narrow it to five, so here’s who wins today:

    Teddy Roosevelt
    Paul Theroux
    Henry Morton Stanley
    Grace Kelly
    Chogyam Trungpa

  43. Scipio Tex said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Good calls all, Vasherized. I’m a huge Paul Theroux fan – just finished his lastest book, in fact. Great contemporary choice.

  44. Stuck in MN said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Gus may have been loosely based on him, but Goodnight worked far too hard. I can’t imagine him sitting on a porch drinking from jug and scheming how to get a lady of the night.

  45. dedfischer said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    He was an ambitious bastard. Seriously, I would like to have dinner with Jeff Shaara some time. Maybe I can line that up the next time I’m in Tallahassee. I’m currently mulling over a piece to explain to everyone how exactly we ended up right here. I think a Texas history lesson will be in order at some point in the offseason. I’m still doing some homework on that front as well.

  46. Elvis said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    The four hot babes left in the world that I hadn’t banged before I took my death-shit.

  47. Nero said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    1. Franz Kafka. I don’t know if anybody will ever know the depth of his words, and he probably wouldn’t reveal them anyway.

    2. Cormac McCarthy. Dude knows pain.

    3. Joseph Goebbles. Nazi minister of propoganda. Anybody that can convince an entire nation of otherwise fairly normal people that it is not only ok but proper to be self-worshipping murderers must know a thing or two about the human pshyche.

    4. Whit Stillman. Director of “Barcelona”, “Last Days of Disco”. I just really like his humor.

  48. Spring Branch Horn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Henry James (the barker)
    Henry James (the Novelist)
    Two Guys who sell speakers out of White Vans

  49. The General said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Don’t like the effin Russians, eh Huck?

    Ernest Hemingway
    Cabeza de Vaca
    William Donovan
    Sam Houston

  50. The General said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Sports Figures

    Bobby Jones
    Gene Tunney
    Jack Dempsey
    Lee Trevino

  51. Vasherized said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Goebels! Holy shit. Why don’t you have Stalin over for appetizers to set the mood.

    Scipio,

    I went on a Theroux binge a few years ago, knocked most of them out and felt like I had traveled the world while sitting on my ass. Hard to find a writer (from any genre, let alone travel) with his scope of socio-political, historical, and geographic knowledge. Now that you’ve read Ghost Train be sure to read its pre-quel from 30 years hence, Great Railway Bazaar.

    Dude beat cancer, got divorced, and just never stopped writing.

    Other favorites include:

    Riding the Iron Rooster
    Pillars of Hercules
    Dark Star Safari
    Happy Isles of Oceania

    Just picked up his one on India that somehow flew under the radar

  52. Scipio Tex said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Of course I’ve read Great Railway Bazaar. I’ve read all of his travel books. Several of his fiction as well, which range from pretty good to outstanding.

  53. Huckleberry said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    General -

    For this exercise I would prefer a dinner conversation with the true “talents” of the game who have dominated based on instinct and an innate understanding of positions, and less so with those who seemed to triumph based on study and repetition.

  54. Black Scholes said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    My Dad
    DKR
    Willie Nelson
    Charles Barkley

  55. Scipio Tex said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    I’m going to eat BBQ, take shots, listen to very interesting stories, and get rowdy:

    Sir Richard Francis Burton
    Hernan Cortes
    Subodai
    Mark Twain

  56. Art Vandelay said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    I’m going more lowbrow. Making sure my basic needs are met.

    Jerry Seinfeld warms up the room
    Bob Marley brings the appetizers
    Jessica Alba is the main course
    Stevie Ray Vaughan provides the tunes

  57. Minnesotahorn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Good call on Fred Willard DeJuan.

    Scipio fails for trying to order barbeque at Maudie’s.

  58. Beaten dead horse said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Assuming we could communicate….

    Da Vinci
    Newton
    Jefferson
    Tesla
    LBJ

  59. Barry S. said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    1. Hitler: He showed me that as long as you believe in yourself it’s okay to “ruffle a few feathers” along the way to your destiny..
    2. Jerry Jones: Anybody stupid enough to give me 4 million bucks for nothing at least deserves a free meal.
    3. Larry Lacewell’s wife: Gotta relive the magic of fornicating with the wife of a subordinate who was a loyal and trusted friend.
    4. Satan: Me, Jimmy and Jerry owe him a lot after he caught us in the “triangle of sodomy” on that Fayetteville dirt road in the summer of ‘64. He’s kept his end of the bargain, so far, but “payday” is getting nearer with every breath we take…

  60. glenn said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    deadfish, i think you have them backwards (here again, not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

    i’m pretty sure mcrae was based on oliver loving while charlie g was the model for woodrow call. loving was indeed wounded by an arrow in the vicinity of red bluff lake, way out in . . . uhh . . . loving county and died of gangrene in new mexico. he was buried there until the following spring when goodnight and a party of men including one of loving’s sons returned his body to weatherford where he lies today next to his wife.

    maybe a hundred feet away rests the body of bose ikard who was the inspiration for josh deets. bose retired from cowboying to enjoy the life of an old grandfather. on learning of ikard’s passing, goodnight had a stone cut to place next to his grave:

    ‘Bose Ikard served with me four years on the Goodnight-Loving Trail, never shirked a duty or disobeyed an order, rode with me in many stampedes, participated in three engagements with Comanches, splendid behavior.’

    i understand that the stern nature of woodrow call was not that different from that of charlie goodnight. i don’t know if oliver loving’s nature was similar to that of gus mcrae.

  61. bighornfan32 said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    Louis and Clark (they count as one person for this exercise)
    George S. Patton
    Alexander the Great
    Richard the Lionheart

    I’m a history major so I appreciate these guys. The stories told at this dinner table would be endless.

  62. Facebook User said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Perhaps you should go get your copy of Undaunted Courage.

  63. Scagnetti said:

    February 25th, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Nero… Dude, sorry, but whit stillman is a total douche. I’ve met him and he only speaks that of his very limited id…

    Walt Whitman
    Tom Robbins
    Miles Davis
    Frank Zappa

  64. Marissa from Baylor said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 5:26 am

    Five people I’d like to have dinner with (living or dead) are:
    Jesus Christ, Marilyn Monroe, Michael DeBakey, Emmitt Smith and George Washington.

  65. Spring Branch Horn said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Roger Whittaker
    Box Car Willie
    Celine Dion
    Sha Na Na

  66. Bateshorn said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 6:51 am

    For me, entertaining dinner conversation was pretty important.

    You won’t find a bigger Lincoln fan than me. Beyond his obvious qualities as a president, he was one of the more gifted writers of the last 200 years, a dude we could all learn something from. But I still think he’d be Debbie Downer over enchiladas and lone star.

  67. ** said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 7:23 am

    John D. MacDonald
    Lee Garland (fictional character in Outlaw, by Warren Kiefer)
    Derek William Dick
    Conan the Barbarian…or maybe Christopher Guest

  68. Emily from OU said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Five People I’d Like To Have Dinner With (Living or Dead): God, George Straight, Frank Sinatra, someone who could entertain me and make me laugh like Jim Carey, Dane Cook, or Lucille Ball. I also wish I could snap my fingers and be able to eat with any one of my family members or best friends from home anywhere, anytime.

  69. Stevie from OU said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Five People I’d Like To Have Dinner With (Living or Dead): My Lord, Jesus; my grandfather, Oprah, whichever ancestor brought my family to America, and Patrick Dempsey.

  70. dedfischer said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Ok, that’s enough. I’ve got to work now. There are also a shit-ton of cheerleaders that want to eat with Carrie Underwood and Kenny Chesney.

  71. Doperbo said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 7:55 am

    You seem to have a cheerleader fascination. I recommend you stalk some of them on facebook and report back, complete with jargon.

    Some of the lists look a lot more fun than mine, I’ve had to wiki quite a few of them. Good Stuff.

    I would like to point out I correctly guessed two on Scipio’s list, or projected them via the clever use of mind control and tags. In that light HenryJames’ list will include Oprah and Carrot Top.

  72. coolhorn said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 8:01 am

    Edward R. Murrow. As a former journalist, I find it’s very easy to disregard most well-known people as shallow and usually self-important. Murrow would be an exception, a major one. He was the gold standard for journalism, with major cojones for taking on Joseph McCarthy, given what it could have cost him. I’d love his take on the current state of politics.

    John Wayne. Just because. He may have been an actor, but he was ALWAYS an actor playing John Wayne. Like his stand on things or not, at least he had the guts to take a stand. He was also badly robbed at Oscar time. He should have won for The Searchers and Red River, at least. I’d also like to hear his take on how he stopped two communist Russian assassins sent to kill him by Stalin. (True story.)

    Lyndon Johnson. Easily the best President from Texas. I’d love to hear him discuss taking a stand for civil rights at a time when that stand was extremely unpopular, especially in the south and southwest, his home area. He’d also probably have some terrific Sam Rayburn stories to tell as well.

    Molly Ivins. The best Texas humorist, and one of the best Texas writers ever. I don’t care what story she told over the dinner table…it would be funny, and truthful.

  73. dedfischer said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Doberbo,

    Here’s the link. Answers are in the 20 questions section:

    It’s awesome.

  74. Ag_in_TX said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 8:14 am

    I’ll invite the pro-Aggie Top 4:

    Sul Ross
    Earl Rudder
    E. King Gill
    Javorskie Lane

  75. Big Red Autos said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Jackson Jeffcoat DT Plano
    Jake Matthews C Elkins
    Sean Lewis OLB Hightower
    Mike Davis WR Skyline

  76. dutchie said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 8:56 am

    From a purely musical standpoint,

    Frank Sinatra
    Sun Ra
    Miles Davis
    Frank Zappa

    And yes, everyone there does need to be strung out and at the peak of addiction/talent/creativity. That would be one hell of a fucking conversation.

  77. dedfischer said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 9:22 am

    I was convinced Scipio’s list would include George St. Pierre.

  78. Vasherized said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 9:55 am

    A nice Sunday night open fire pig roast with dilaudid, absynthe and loose female company:

    Joseph Conrad
    Charles Bukowski
    Henry Miller
    John Fante
    Raymond Chandler

    After Miller and Chandler pass out early, Conrad texts Nabokov and Burroughs:

    nuther wild 1 at fante’s … 2 spots just opened up. pack 4 a few days. grab cheever too, chuck’s wobbly and wont last. weaving spiders come not here…

  79. Bateshorn said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 9:56 am

    It’s not four, but Molly Ivins, Ann Richards, and Bob Bullock in the beer garden at scholtz’s (or the Chili Parlor) back when they all still drank would be pretty awesome.

  80. whiskeydent said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:20 am

    All five led colorful, brave lives:
    FDR
    Hemingway
    Sinatra
    General Anthony McAuliffe
    MLK

  81. Echoes and reflections said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Doperbo is a devil rambler…talkative & yet so quiet and still. You cut your vacay short cuz u can’t b w/o The US of Ay.

  82. huge said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    i want drinkers:

    charles barkley (reserve the right to regret this pick)
    churchill
    sinatra
    and for me – tuesday weld (dobie gillis era)

  83. Tim 6 said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Blink 182, Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee. You’ve got to agree with me on that one, Doperbo. Yes!! My man Doperbo is BACK! Complicated as ever, you make me think-I think.

  84. Hemp said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Michael Jackson, Richard Nixon and Arafat. Hands down. You would be in agreement, Doperbo.

  85. Adena One said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:55 am

    What about some womyn-where’s the womyn?? Joan Rivers, Angela Davis and Martha Stewart.

  86. uthookem said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Ahhh…thanks for the link ded…I like you.

    This, from Georgia, who cheers for Georgia Tech:
    1. In 10 years, I’ll likely be: Married with children, hopefully living on the beach somewhere working in a job that I love.

    and then…
    10. Strange and unusual fact about me: I can’t swim very well. It’s pretty embarrassing when I’m in the water, I really can’t do anything better than doggy-paddle!

    Let’s hope she never has to swim at the beach!

    RAH RAH SISSBOOMBAH

  87. Wrestler Ken said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I’m going to deviate a little from the format: Doperbo stuck in an elevator with Pam Anderson and Judge Judy-HOLY SHIT!!

  88. Kiss said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Michael Phelps to the rescue!

  89. dedfischer said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 11:04 am

    I went ahead and profiled Tomi for you this week. It’s a nice way to kill an hour or so on a Friday afternoon.

  90. SizzleChest said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Sitting Bull
    Nico
    Ovid
    Captain Crunch

  91. Art Vandelay said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    damn you ded and uthookem – I couldn’t resist and I’m killing an hour now.

    Ok…. Let me get this straight… she lives in Georgia, her name is Georgia, she goes to Georgia Tech???

    Song? Georgia on my mind? Food? Georgia peaches

    Five People I’d Like to Have Dinner With (Living or Dead): My great grandmother who died when I was 9, President Bush, Jesus Christ, Nicole Richie, and Jimmy Buffet.

    She can’t swim but she wants to live on the beach, and her perfect date is a day out on the lake!!

    Major: Industrial Engineering

  92. dedfischer said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I’m telling you, they’re genius. I’ve been reading them for 5 or 6 years on a weekly basis going back to my banking days when everyone hauled ass on Fridays.

  93. ChicagoTTU said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    1. Hemingway
    2. Satan
    3. Col. Charlie Beckwith (started Delta Force)
    4. Bill Murray
    5. Tie – Tawnee Stone or Bob Marley

    Honorable Mention: Frank W. Dux, Jimmy Houston, Hank Parker, Roland Martin, Al Linder, Babe Winkleman, Doyle Hargraves, Keith Hernandez, Mark Grace, Pablo Escobar, Huey Lewis without the News, Louis Gossett, Jr., KoKo B. Ware, all the Von Erich’s and Miss Elizabeth.

  94. The General said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    “Raymond Chandler”

    Really good call Vasherized

  95. Daniel Mason said:

    February 26th, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    1. Jorge Luis Borges
    2. Thomas Keller
    3. David Hume
    4. David Foster Wallace

  96. Vasherized said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 10:05 am

    RSVP’d with regrets:

    Thomas Pynchon
    Agatha Christie
    JD Salinger
    Syd Barrett
    Darrel Arthur

  97. ponderos said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Kiera Knightley
    Charlize Theron
    Reece Witherspoon
    Hemingway as a wingman

  98. Tart It Up said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Ann Coulter, Lady Bunny and Madea. P.S. Doperbo is tellin all dem hazbeen OVER 50-vomit-faced hags 2 get da fuck out of hiz existence-COMPRENDE, CUNT?

  99. LAISSEZ-FARE said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Eli & Peyton Manning. These Cajun-French Mtn Lions can cook up some creole, all while Louis Armstrong performs in the background. Top it off by having President & Mrs. Obama there, along with John & Ms. McCain and Hillary and Bill-Y not. Things would really get out of control when Eli breaks out a game of “Twister”. Doperbo can perform some of his trademark “magic trix”.

  100. 10 cent=meter/12 inches= foot said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Doperbo can’t help what comments people leave. Freedom of speech. Thx 4 sharing. FYI-don’t call him-he’ll call YOU. Cheers!!

  101. Babe in pink said:

    February 27th, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    I LIKE IT WHEN dOPERBO LOOSENS UP THE FORMAT ABIT. i LIKE THIS ONE. cOMMENTS ARE….DIFFERENT.

  102. Kiss Davita said:

    March 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Michael Jackson-I don’t care what low class comments people leave-they are w/o merit. I esp. like the conservative messages he brings to his music.He certainly helped the music industry pull out of a recession back in the early 1980’s. Another quick note-he’s an easy mark 4 golddiggers. Things aren’t always what they seem. I hope him n Fergie do some sort of gritty duet-redo the song “Brother Louie” by Stories-classic Philly-inspired disco/rock.Who knows.

  103. Mr.Ed said:

    March 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Any secular Muslim leader, Bill Maher and a trailblazing community activist in a large urban centre like Toronto or Philly.

  104. east 56 st said:

    March 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I’d like to have dinner with 3 writers from Barking Carnival. Everytime I log onto this blog its 2010.Its white hot!Other trends for the next decade:NFL/Belichick culture, Tim Tebow,Colt McCoy,MJ Revival,private cigarette rooms,devil motel key chainsandtees(Motel 666,X-tended Ay),telekinesis,BTW,Corporate Socialism,Eli & Peyton Manning cookbooks,Canadian Womyn,R.Crumb comix,metaphorical/analogous living,Sarah Palin,Republican Darwinists,men pretending 2 be drag kings(the JOKE is on you, Zarell-richly deserved).

  105. Wendy said:

    March 6th, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    I don’t know, there’s a picture of Taylor Kitsch in yesterday’s USA Today (3/5) and it looks an awful lot like a very handsome,baby-faced middle-aged boy adjunct blogger at BC. If I were you I would come out slowly on your own terms before they out ya on theirs.

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   35 seconds ago

    Morris goes down.

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   3 minutes ago

    Big 3 by morris down 1 with 8 seconds

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   3 minutes ago

    Dude hit the easy layup.

    /facepalm

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   5 minutes ago

    Morris down 3 with 29

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   6 minutes ago

    UDOH SWAT GAME ON!

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  • Triston27 commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   7 minutes ago

    1-point game with just 30 seconds left

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  • Triston27 commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   7 minutes ago

    1-point game with just 3 seconds left

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   8 minutes ago

    Morris down one even after getting hosed on a jump ball call. 35 to go

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   11 minutes ago

    Morris down six with a minute left. They’re done.

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   13 minutes ago

    Baylor looks like a final four team

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   16 minutes ago

    Fredette is kind of a big deal

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   23 minutes ago

    And now Rob Morris vs. Nova to OT….wowzers

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   28 minutes ago

    Channeling Hampton….come on Bob Morris

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  • Ag_in_TX commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   28 minutes ago

    Could y’all keep me updated on the Nova game? CBS sucks.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   35 minutes ago

    Boynton thought he had Lebron in the paint to throw down the reverse alley-oop from six feet out.

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   36 minutes ago

    Double OT for UF vs BYU!!!! Madness

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   47 minutes ago

    ‘Nova going down would fuck my bracket raw….

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  • Ag_in_TX commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   48 minutes ago

    South region is clearing up nicely for A&M.

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  • gingerballs commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day One   49 minutes ago

    Those are cute emoticons hiphop…wordpress automatically makes a smiley face for 8s followed by a ). Some great games early on…the iphone app is paying dividends already at work.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   55 minutes ago

    Time to celebrate with a 40 of Old English.

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   55 minutes ago

    Don’t understand not fouling there.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   56 minutes ago

    Didn’t we recruit Boynton?

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   57 minutes ago

    Gators take the lead. Corch Donovan!

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   57 minutes ago

    ODU needs to foul.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   58 minutes ago

    Bullshit play in the UND game, dude was hanging on the rim and touched the ball. No call

    Spoken like a man with money on the line.

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  • Ag_in_TX commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   58 minutes ago

    Robert Morris has got to guard Nova out on the three point line.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   59 minutes ago

    Harangody cements his legacy with his first basket of the game 12 seconds before the end of regulation.

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   1 hour ago

    Bullshit play in the UND game, dude was hanging on the rim and touched the ball. No call

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • BigBoss commented on the blog post Baylor v. Sam Houston State Preview   1 hour, 1 minute ago

    He will start in a 2/3. I am already in a bad mood about it and the game hasn’t even started.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post March Madness Open thread   1 hour, 3 minutes ago

    Lehigh is going to destroy Kansas!

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