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Scipio’s Big 12 All-Overrated

Posted by Scipio Tex on December 5th, 2008 under Football

S Nic Harris Oklahoma His last meaningful play was a high school production of Our Town. A pre and postseason All-America and 1st team All-Big 12 player who ranked 54th in the league in tackles, Nic was also a frequent recipient of violent bukkake in pass coverage. He fears DVR and the Amazing James Randi.

C Jon Cooper Oklahoma According to the coaches, he’s THE LEAGUE’S BEST LINEMAN! And its third best center. Oh. He’s a football smart guy who keeps the beasts around him from venturing into the crocodile enclosure, but there’s nothing to see here. Move along.

LB/DE Ian Campbell Kansas State The gridiron interest only loan of 2006. Great value as a sophomore, but some in the media missed his foreclosure back in 2007.

CB Deon Beasley Texas Deon was usuallly placed on the other team’s best WR and our inability to teach zone meant that he lived a perilous existence. I am sympathetic. That doesn’t excuse shunning physical contact like an autistic. He was an Acapulco cliff diver targeting an ocean of shoelaces.

FB Jorvorskie Lane Texas A&M Fat, weepy, and unmotivated is no way to go through life, son. His 2008 statistics: 35 carries, 93 yards, 191 documented acts of indolence, 447 Brown Bag specials from Sonic. This senior leader went for 1500+ yards and 35 TDs combined in 2006/2007, but shows up in his final season weighing 299 using a Krispy Kreme as his mouthpiece.

OG Brandon Carter Texas Tech This future Bond villian is 6-7 350, has a douchebag haircut, and wears eye shadow. Grandma? His greatest value as a player is acting as an oversized turd in the narrow pass rush plumbing of Leach’s scheme.

LB Sean Weatherspoon Missouri I pick Sean as the singular embodiment of the decline of every returning Missouri defender from 2007, with the exception of Stryker Sulak. My theory? Sulak’s heavy dousings of Axe body spray acted as garlic to the vampiric coaching of defensive coordinator Dave Christensen Matt Eberflus.

S Jordan Lake Baylor He’s on every All-Big 12 team primarily because he was on all of the preseason teams. He’s a tough guy who will punish you and he was one of the league leaders in tackles, but every Big 12 receiver loves vacationing at the Lakehouse. He’s an aerial bed and breakfast.

OT Colin Brown Missouri A 6-8 unanimous preseason 1st Team All-Big 12 selection who eluded 2008 highlight films like a sasquatch. Was that Colin Brown who made the block that sprang Maclin? Hard to say. The only evidence is an uprooted goal post, a size 16 footprint, and a pile of steaming dung.

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47 Responses

  1. The Tres Leches said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Dave Christensen is the offensive coordinator of Mizzou.

  2. Scipio Tex said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    Damn, I knew that. Thanks for the correction. It’s Eberflus, obviously.

  3. Parlin Hall said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    “His last meaningful play was a high school production of Our Town.”

    Seriously funny.

  4. Scipio Tex said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    I knew you of all people would appreciate a Thornton Wilder reference.

  5. Levander Williams said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Fat Lane Jokes never grow old.

    Good show.

  6. The Tres Leches said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    I wonder if Toledo dodged a bullet by hiring Beckman instead of Eberflus?

  7. ChrisApplewhite said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Is Beasley overrated? Does anyone other than me even think he’s any good?

  8. Scipio Tex said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Ha ha. Sadly, he was on some preseason All-Big 12 teams and I think a number of us believed he’d be our #1 corner heading into this year.

  9. Big Satan said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    No. You’re the only person who thinks he’s good. Which makes you Bill Byrne in support of Mike Sherman.

  10. horncasting said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    There had to have been something injured with Beasley this year, right? Shoulder maybe? He didn’t seem to shy away from contact nearly as much in the last 2 years.

    2009 will be his money year so hopefully he has a transformation.

  11. Jeff said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    I stubbornly hold out hope that the Beasley of ‘07 OSU was the real Beasley. He saved that game on D. He mostly looked tentative and toasty this year.

  12. He Derso said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    Oh holy hell,

    Just when you thought bukake was enough of enough, turns out, it can get violent …

    And Javorskie’s Krispy Kreme mouthpiece … I can’t help thinking about that PSA showing the Native American crying over littering whenever I see J-Tranny

  13. MU LAX said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    I don’t get the Weatherspoon hate on here lately. Our defense has been pretty disappointing this year and that obviously leaves everyone open for criticism, but I think most MU fans would tell you that Weatherspoon has been our most consistent guy.

    I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that you guys don’t watch Missouri that much. Weatherspoon was pretty quiet against Kansas, but they did most of their damage passing the ball to their recievers. He also pretty much single handedly saved us against Illinois in the season opener with 2 4th quarter interceptions.

    We pretty much all blame Eberflus for our defensive shortcommings. This is also a pretty down year in the Big 12 for linebackers, I’ll stick with our guy as one of the best.

  14. CloseToJumping said:

    December 5th, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    I like Beasley as a guy who will turn it around. He has really pulled up the rear this year, however. He covers well, but he’s let his name go to his head. There is only one De(i)on out there that can get away with not tackling. Nylon Deon needs to step it up seriously in 2009.

    I would add Phil Loadholt to my list.

  15. Levander Williams said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 5:17 am

    Have to agree with CtJ on Loadholt – I truly haven’t seen him make an honest block in years.

    I think maybe the OU interior line (Robinson, et al) is a little better since their girth serves them better and they don’t have to deal with as much speed as the tackles.

    I might also toss Zac Robinson into the overrated mix at QB. He has a good run / pass balance and does some nice things, but I’ve seen him make some really bad decisions in big games, e.g. the pick six that he through early in the OU game, which I thought was mostly a function of his bad pass instead of a bad route/great play by the corner. He doesn’t get the same pub as the other guys, but he is sort of lumped in with the rest of the ’stud’ Big XII QBs by virtue of the rising tide.

  16. Levander Williams said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 5:18 am

    through = threw

  17. HenryJames said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 5:42 am

    Whither Chase Daniel?

  18. dedfischer said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 6:10 am

    People are going to jump all over me for this one, but I thought Ryan Reynolds was the most overrated player for a while in this league. They’ll be better off in the long run by letting Austin Box get some experience. He’ll be an upgrade from Reynolds eventually.

  19. RansomStoddard said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 6:47 am

    I’ve said before, if Beasley gets off the bench next year it will be because a pandemic has killed off every other cb on the team and the waterboy.

  20. TaylorTRoom said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 6:48 am

    CTJ, Beasley has one year to turn it around (he’s a junior). Frankly, from seeing Williams and the two Browns play, he may have one spring practice to turn it around.

  21. EyesOfTX said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 6:52 am

    Eberflus sounds like a word you’d use to describe an excremental function while suffering from the 24 hour bug.

  22. Loadholt's Lost Money said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 9:28 am

    Indeed it does. Just for information’s sake, the German word for diarrhea is durchfall. Always kinda liked that one.

  23. Scipio Tex said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 9:51 am

    MU LAX:

    No Weatherspoon hate. It’s just that he was better last year and he was sold as the best LB in the league. He also vanished in some big games. If you’re trying to sell me on Illinois as a significant victory, you’re revealing a very different mindset between our fanbases.

    C2J:

    Loadholt is a good choice, but he’s actually a dominating player against any DE who isn’t elite. His performance curve drops drastically the moment he encounters the cream of the crop. I debated placing him here, but I’ve seen enough good play from him outside of the Texas game that he receives a pass.

    Henry James:

    I flirted with placing Chase Daniel on here, but it’s hard to place a good player on an all-overrated team because he failed to be great. It’s The Damon Bailey Corollary.

  24. Scipio Tex said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 9:54 am

    Levander:

    Good call on Zac, but please see the Damon Bailey Corollary.

  25. Trips Right said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 9:59 am

    HenryJames, Damon Bailey was a basketball player at Indiana.

  26. The General said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 10:07 am

    Gary Pinkel for HC

  27. The General said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 10:07 am

    Greg Davis for OC and Brent Venables for DC

  28. hiphopopotamus said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 10:16 am

    I was considering doing a similar list, but having read this, I feel like I’d pretty much just be plagiarizing. I think Trent Williams definitely deserves a spot though and I’d consider adding Washington, though he didn’t come with much preseason hype to not deliver on.

  29. hiphopopotamus said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 10:16 am

    And by Washington, I mean Derrick.

  30. Mike Leach said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Greg Davis for OC and Brent Venables for DC

    Yeah, Venebles sucks.

  31. Hookah said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    Beasley is the slightly skinnier reincarnation of Joe Walker.

  32. ChrisApplewhite said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Actually, he’s the black Chris Simms. Perfectly good player who everyone hates for 2 plays a game.

  33. Dave Becker said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    How is Beasley overrated? Who rated him?

  34. Scipio Tex said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Chris:

    That’s an inept comparison.

  35. ChrisApplewhite said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    No, it’s not. Neither player was an all-star, both had more potential than they showed, both were good players.

    Both got treated like they were the source of all our problems, both unfairly.

    Deon Beasley is a good cornerback. He can’t tackle for shit and his ball skills are lacking. He is still better than anyone not named Chykie, which is an awful lot of people.

  36. CloseToJumping said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 7:45 pm

    Go ahead and add Chase Daniel. He really is a frontrunning cunt.

  37. Scipio Tex said:

    December 6th, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    Congratulations Chase! You just made the cut.

  38. NateHeupel said:

    December 7th, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    ded, Ryan Reynolds has to complete a season before being called overrated. That said, Venables is the best LB coach in D1 by a LONGSHOT despite being a mediocre DC. When Venables grades a LB out at 100%, it’s pretty damn impressive. There’s just no argument for Reynolds being on the overrated list. 3rd on the team in tackles when he went down, and was NEVER out of position.

    Take Jon Cooper off the list, put Loadholt on in his place. If you’ve seen the moron that Cooper keeps out of the croc enclosure, you know why he gets so much love.

    Jon Cooper is like George from “Of Mice and Men”: more intellectual, and too busy taking care of the moron(s).
    Loadholt is like Lenny: overly huge, unrealistically strong, and likely to do something retarded on a near regular basis.

  39. Facebook User said:

    December 7th, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    Nate – Shoot me an email. sailorripley AT barkingcarnival DOT COM

  40. ChrisApplewhite said:

    December 7th, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    “That said, Venables is the best LB coach in D1 by a LONGSHOT”

    You are shameless. I hope SR mails you a virus.

  41. MU LAX said:

    December 8th, 2008 at 7:15 am

    Scipio Tex:

    I’d put Missouri beating Illinois at about the same level as Texas beeting Tech or A&M. It’s kind of a rivalry game, but a bigger deal to them than us.

    Losing one of those games though is a big problem. A wreck your whole season kind of problem.

  42. Vasherized said:

    December 8th, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Sailor,

    I know self-enlightenment is a punishable offense in Oklahoma but don’t report Nate to the authorities for reading Steinbeck.

    Scipio,

    Jorvorskie apparently crested his own “Sipping Point” in the offseason and is now happily feeding in the Trough of Disillusionment (with a side of grits). Let sleeping pigs lie.

    Regarding the slide you pilfered from the projector at work, it looks like Barking Carnival is at the high water mark of social media. It’s all downhill from here …

    CA,
    You’re uniquely on your own with regards to Beasley. Given your typically solid analysis of our X’s & O’s it’s surprising that talent evaluation on Deon continues to elude you. I’m really not sure what else he has to do for you to lower expectations. Name five game changing plays he made this year. Or how about just any five partially memorable ones with a positive connotation. Kid of hard, huh? Compare those to the number of personal foul penalties or times he just got flat out beat.

    The only saving graces for an undersized DB are if he plays with gross disregard for his body (Bob Sanders) or makes plays on the ball (Antoine Winfield). In Deon’s case it’s Fail and Fail.

  43. tummer said:

    December 9th, 2008 at 8:44 am

    “Greg Davis for OC”

    Are you kidding? Overrated by who, exactly? The small minority of Texas fans who DON’T hate him?

    Texas’ offense has put up video game numbers over the last 4 1/2 season, and still most Longhorn fans bash him every chance they get. I don’t think even the biggest head-in-the-sand, set-in-their-ways, blind Davis-haters would call him overrated.

  44. redpants said:

    December 10th, 2008 at 10:08 am

    I second the Chase Daniel addition. People forget how hyped that dude was when Mizzou was #3, and he had great weapons to work with. He looked terrible vs. UT, OU and KU.

  45. exuLt said:

    December 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Texas’ offense has put up video game numbers over the last 4 1/2 season, and still most Longhorn fans bash him every chance they get. I don’t think even the biggest head-in-the-sand, set-in-their-ways, blind Davis-haters would call him overrated.

    No? The Statesman has officially given him a bye this season, as has the rest of the media and fan forums. GD bashing has become passe and capricious. And he did win the Broyles award for best coaching assistant in 2004. Video game numbers? Count you, for one.

  46. Minnesotahorn said:

    December 10th, 2008 at 10:46 am

    “And he did win the Broyles award for best coaching assistant in 2004.”

    Incorrect.

  47. exuLt said:

    December 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am

    Pbbbbt. 2005. Who cares? Gene Chizik won it in 2004, so what does that tell you?

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