Got here early this time. Nothing is really happening. Everyone is just kind of looking around.

DeLoss is wearing a white shirt/ black sweater combo, tortoise shell glasses, and a Tag Heuer. He just sat down, looked around, then looked around some more. Shuffled some papers. I’d play some Bloons but my phone is out of batteries. Fucking phones. Man his hair is impeccable, just impeccable. I wonder if he uses product. Not Bed Head. No spike. Not Badazz either. The sheen is all wrong. Plus he’s got a touch of the Jimmy Johnson wave. White Rain maybe? Breck? Fuck it, I’ll use that as one of my questions. I have to find out. OK, he’s talking…

Thanks for being here. I know you’re excited to see me.

WTF? He stole my best pickup line. Who does he know that I know that goes to Emo’s? Did Steve tell you that? @#%&! Steve.

A couple reasons I’m here, the first one is that I’m very, very proud of our football program. I’m proud of what Coach Brown’s done and what the assistant coaches have done. For 11 years we’ve had a record that is better than any record in the United States. It’s a wonderful thing we’ve got going here, maybe the best 11 years in the history of Texas football. The program’s in great shape. It’s a family, it’s a mile wide, it’s a mile deep, which is important and we need to keep it going.

Okay I’m not typing any more, mainly because I’m metaphorically lost- we are some kind of family…. canyon… thing… but we are very good at it and at being deep and wide and happy, a flowing river of deep family awesomeness and whatnot, mainly due to the wideness… exactly a mile or so… okay now he’s talking about something else…

Recently, Coach Muschamp had chances, he’s in demand, to be head coach at other universities and we understand that. He’s a quality guy, quality coach and we want to keep him at Texas and he wants to stay at Texas. In the last few years I’ve watched universities hire new head coaches from the outside and there’s a bunch of trauma with that, generally.

Cavorting with scumbag job-hoppers during your search process tends to have that effect on a program, but I guess it’s a valid argument, since he’s the one who knows whether or not he might want to try that. Hard to argue with what might be self insight there.

Usually you lose a recruiting class, you replace your whole coaching staff, you have athletes leave, you have graduation rate issues, there are all kinds of problems with it. Sometimes there are lawsuits, there are buyouts, but it’s not a pretty picture in a lot of cases.

I swear he just recapped the plot from Kramer vs. Kramer. It was dead on. Maybe I can snatch Cedric’s phone and IMDB it. Great movie.

… The fact is we want to keep Will Muschamp as our defensive coordinator at Texas. The fact is our program is solid, our family’s solid, we’ve got good things going here. We’ve decided to build our future from the inside. We sat down with Will and asked him if he would like to continue as our defensive coordinator and at some undesignated time in the future, be the head coach at The University of Texas.

Wow. That is huge. Just huge. This changes everything. You know who I feel sorry for? Who’s really getting screwed here? major Shut up. No, not Major. This is a cult free board. Sure we have our Etruscan entrails divination contingent. Who doesn’t? And the Zoroastrians. And CrazyJoe is kind of into Cthulhu. Of course scally worships Judy Garland. But those are harmless, really, compared to the Good News of Applewhite disciples. I am specifically not worried about Major. No, the real victims here are those guys who can tell what planes are landing where during a coaching search. What are they supposed to do when Mack retires? Did anyone consider them? They get maybe one chance a decade to be really important on the message boards and DeLoss just completely screwed them over. It’s tragic, really. Did DeLoss even consider how unrewarding air traffic control is without that perk to look forward to? NO. Now he’s talking more about Will…

He’s excited about that, loves The University of Texas, his family likes Austin, the kids love him, he loves the kids, he’s got a passion and we like the passion, and so this is what we plan to do.

Coaching decisions meet Spanish soap opera. Viva La Passion! Quien es ella? Ella es… es… mi amiga… No! Ella es su… su puta! Ay! Dios mio… es verdad. Pero, ella dice yo soy el mero mero. Y me gusta. Que lastima! Disculpeme. Disculpeme. Viva La Passion!

He’s talking about how long this has been in the works, looks like a month, no years, no several months. Excellent bit of evasion there, his X-Man power would be Teflon Integument. Saying Brown can coach until the fans completely tick him off, which is awesome. You know we don’t really do that on purpose, DeLoss, it’s sort of our X-man power though. It’s hard not to do something when you’re really good at it as a fanbase. Okay Will is talking…

It’s an exciting day for me and my family. I appreciate the confidence and faith President Powers, DeLoss, Coach Brown, and the Board of Regents had in me for the future of Texas football. That means an awful lot to me to carry on the great tradition of Texas. I think this is the best job in the country, and that’s why I’m staying. This is an elite job in the country and you don’t get an opportunity like this every day.

Man he’s saying all the right things. Talking about Coach Royal, the city, the family atmosphere. Hitting on the talent, recruiting, resources etc. Good on ya, Will. Talking about being in charge…

I think from the X’s and O’s and the coaching and managing the team, I feel very comfortable. I think obviously at The University of Texas there’s an awful lot of periphery outside of the program and the football that goes with this job. Obviously for me, this is a great learning experience to learn under the best. I think Coach Brown always seems to say the right thing at the right time in the right way, and I certainly need to learn how to do that.

It is always the right time to yell Boom Motherfucker Will. It’s appropriate in any social situation. It’s the new Whitman barbaric yawp. I do it several times a day, in faculty meetings, at the bank, picking up the kids at Montessori, it really sets the tone. Let’s ‘em know this is going to be a high-speed low-drag kind of exchange. Don’t ever lose that. Stay gold, Will. Stay gold.

I’m looking forward to that. I don’t have all the answers, I’ve never claimed to as a coach, as a person or anything. I’m not an ego guy, I like to learn and I learn every day from our players, our coaches, everybody so I’m looking forward to being in this role. Really, nothing’s changing for me. I’m going to be the defensive coordinator; we’re working hard to prepare for Texas A&M right now and I don’t see my role being any different until Coach Brown decides that he’s ready to retire and that’s going to be on him when he wants to do that. I’m all for him being here as long as he wants to be here.

Look I already told you we’re trying really hard not to tick him off but I can’t promise anything. We asked dfl to change handles three times specifically for this reason but you know, at some point he’s going to figure it out. Talking about how long he considered the offer…

I make my mind up and go at it. It’s like a third-and-eight; you make a call and go.

So he blitzed Orakpo off the edge at Powers during the discussion. This whole thing makes a lot more sense now. Okay Mack is talking, don’t play the exciting time/neat deal drinking game on this one; it’s way too early and you’ll probably wrap your car around a Starbuck’s on the way home and I don’t want that on my conscious…

Let me start by saying I’m really, really excited about Will staying. That was what this was all about and there’s obvious interest across the country in Will from people. He’s a hot item and a lot of people would like to have him as their head coach. What we wanted is to make sure that we kept him as our defensive coordinator. Bill Little said today I think there’s maybe been five over the last six years or something, it’s been some number that’s about to get unfair to the kids.

I’d argue 6 years of Carl Reese was way more unfair, but I promised Will we’d behave as fans from here on out, and I always keep my promises that don’t involve working out…

This staff has done as good of a job of coaching this year as I’ve ever been around. It’s been amazing. The chemistry of the staff’s really good and it works because Will wanted to stay, Carol wanted to stay, we wanted him to stay, DeLoss and Bill Powers and the Regents thought through this whole process and everybody agreed that it was a great idea. Akina just texted me he’s excited about playing grabass on the sidelines after big plays, as Will brings so much to the table in that regard, it really just worked out well for everyone.

Talking about the timetable…

If he had said, “I have to do it in a year or two years,” it wouldn’t have worked, because I am not ready to do that yet. I think it’s very important for recruits, our players and parents to know that this isn’t coach-in-waiting. Will is the defensive coordinator. This isn’t a signal of anything other than the fact that we wanted Will to stay. He’s going to stay, and at some point, within the family, move forward and be the head coach. That’s a great thing for us and we’re excited.

Has anyone else noticed how closely we resemble the Mafia in terms of promotion structure and vernacular? We need to get the assistant coaches some mistresses and pinkie rings. Talking about the timing of the announcement…

Well, the obvious is that he had to make a decision on if he wanted to go through interview processes somewhere else like Gene and Greg did, or if he wanted to stay here. The open date is a week where people start wanting you to come, because they are looking at what is best for their program, and all of that is fair. It becomes a really big distraction, so we decided yesterday to do this today so we can all get settled and move on.

Translation: I mainly want to destroy Aggie. Talking about his retirement…

How does anybody ever know how long they’re staying? Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? If so I can’t imagine why. We’ve all got time enough to cry.

Wow coach, that’s deep.

Pat Boone said that.

Talking about youthful energy…

We have said more than once that Will and Major have done a great job with bringing youthful enthusiasm, and that’s so much fun. I looked out there Saturday and our kids were out on the field before we go out to warm up, and they’re in short sleeves with all the Kansas kids bundled up. They’re coming back in the dressing room, snickering and saying, “Hey coach, I think we’ve got them. They think we’re crazy.” And I said, “I thought you were too. I’m not going out there in short sleeves.” And that the sort of uniform prankery we’ve come to expect around here. Major froze Greg Davis’ jock before the Arkansas game and we just laughed and laughed and laughed. Ha Ho Ha. Ahhhh. [wipes eyes]You should’ve seen it.

Talking about breaking the news to the team…

They were excited because they knew when I walked in I was going to say he was leaving. I’ve said that every other time I’ve walked in, bless their hearts. They were thinking, “Are you kidding?” As I’ve said, Will is hot, and he’s hot for the right reasons. Not in a skanky Paris Hilton way. Not hawt. Just hot. The caliente one. Or calor, whatever. The good kind of hot. Spicy pepper kind.