Articles
Leach & Harrell Gameplan
Posted by Scipio Tex on October 29th, 2008 under Uncategorized
Graham Harrell to see you, Coach Leach.
mumble
Coach?
…
Coach! – Graham Harrell: your QB, Heisman contender, school record holder and -
Gotta keep it brief. I’ve got an appointment at 4:00.
Yes. With Graham Harrell.
mumble
Should I send him in, Coach?
OK….ummmm….Penelope.
It’s Julie Ann! I’ve been your admin for seven years.
Eh?
It’s Julie Ann, Coach.
OK, send her in with Graham as well. We’ll kill two birds…uhhh…with the…rock.
Hey, Cooooach! What’s up?
Graham Harrell!
Whatcha workin’ on there? Pirate stuff?
How did they get this magnificent privateer frigate into this bottle? It’s a physical impossibility.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s really small when they put it in and then it inflates…THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
…
That’s a joke, Coach. When someone says something that could be about like, sex or sexy things, then you say THAT’s WHAT SHE SAID!
Uh, yeah…no…I get it. Ahhmmmm. Ahhh. It’s just that…why would…any lady want…I dunno…a pirate ship…in her? That’s outrageous Graham. And I’m from Wyoming. The crow’s nest alone would create issues for the cervix that -
No, not the ship specifically. I take it to mean it’s like someone’s big johnson or something. A general johnson. And the girl is all, “That feels real nice! Thank you!”
Did you attempt to penetrate Penelope with a Viking longship, Graham? Level with me. The oars alone would…
I have not. Who is Penelope?!
She was in the lobby with you. (fixated on the ship in the bottle again)
…
I don’t see….any sort of….apparatus. For intake of air type matter there. So couldn’t inflate it.
– Maybe it’s an infant type situation where they put it in as a baby and then they feed it jelly beans to make it grow?
…
Hi!
Hey, Graham.
So you did ask me in, Coach!
Wednesday afternoon is always buccaneer arts and crafts. So did I?
Hi!
Fine. Graham, the idea of our offense is real simple. If their guys run up close, we throw it behind them. If they back off, we throw it in front of them.
Word. I will do that.
Good. Time to go. See ya Harrell.
Wait – I just want to say something – Coach, we’re going to mess up Texas.
Who is that now?
Texas.
Why would you mess up Texas? No….ummmm……uhhh……state pride there Harrell.
Coach, the college football team.
…
We play them this Saturday! Black out. Tortillas. Molatov cocktails. Some dudes are going to dress Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppies in Colt McCoy jerseys and throw them off of the top ramp. ESPN Gameday. This is bigger than when Lubbock got Olive Garden. I will drop the downwards Horns the first TD I throw. I will downwards Horns each one of my sixes and blow their minds with my display of bravado. I will thoroughly shocker their defense and mark their sideline pre-game with my urine while…
Uhh….yeah, no. I have an idea.
Give it to #6, Rain Man! I love new plays.
What if the ship is actually very tiny but the bottle is….like a magnifying glass….so it just creates the illusion of size? Uhhh….I imagine that you could….uhh….make it work like that. Funhouse mirror. Harry Caray’s spectacles…uhhhh.
Jesus.
Graham, I’m going to look at it from this angle, but I want you to peek through the opening of the bottle and then tell me the size of the mighty galleon. From two perspectives. Like a second opinion deal. We’ll make it sort of a science hypothesis thing. If it’s actually small we will….uhhmmmm….take it out with tweezers and grape jelly.
I have no response to that.
OK, what do you see?
Coach, I’m sad to say it’s the same size from any angle.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
I see what you did there.
Good. Now begone. I grow weary of this ruse. I must finish my submission for the Fields Medal in mathematics and redouble my irradiation experiments on musk oxen to synthesize a new bovine evolutionary model. If further distracted by your tomfoolery I’ll end up creating another Brandon Carter. Thank God those experiments left him sterile. After, I shall play WarCraft with Steve Hawking.
Coach, the game!
A tertiary consideration. You’re a senior, it’s time you knew. I’m here guised as an eccentric football coach to perform the real work required to save humanity from itself and to avoid assassination at the hands of The Trilateral Commission. My time is best spent on matters of consequence. Enough jackanapery. Leave my domain lest I release a stinging cloud of nanotechnology to bore into your flawless pores and attack your pituitary gland as I did once to Eric Morris when he was 12. Now the stunted gnome clings to me like an infant bonobo and demands I incorporate him into my offense as recompense. He suckles at my teat like Bobby Knight on a soda fountain of vindictiveness. Now, shoo. Off to your gridiron bread and circuses while I save – nay – create a Brave New World!
I got no clue what you just said, but you just got #6 real fired up! Guns Up!
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Scip.,
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UTfan1 said:
October 29th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
You’re just too much. Thanks man. Who will be shadowing Crabtee for this game again?
Hook’Em
UTfan1 said:
October 29th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Just noticed the defending tech blog.
Hook’Em
kevwun said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:29 am
That’s what she said….no time.
Soldier of Orange said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:37 am
The biggest laugh I got was when I saw the first picture (of Julie Ann) and supposed it to be your representation of Harrell. The rest was pretty damned funny though.
lowery said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:51 am
It squeaks when you bang it.
Parlin Hall said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Pinter meets Seinfeld. Nice.
The Source said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:31 am
weak
Tim said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:46 am
God I love UT fans and bloggers, it just makes wins that much better when you can do it against arrogant, disrespectful, pieces of shit.
Doperbo said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:48 am
I laughed. The Hi! got me. Again.
Stuck in MN said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Spacing out those wins every 5 or 6 years also makes them sweeter, on an individual basis at least.
Nordberg said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:52 am
“God I love UT fans and bloggers, it just makes wins that much better when you can do it against arrogant, disrespectful, pieces of shit.”
Probably even more so, because of the rarity factor.
Nordberg said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:53 am
You win Stuck.
God said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I love Texas best of all. To all haters go back to that hellhole where you all belong.
Eric said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Tim, that was funny. Get over yourself.
Texasholdem said:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:01 am
There is very little better in life than being a Texas fan when the football team is undefeated.
Huckleberry said:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:15 am
God I love UT fans and bloggers, it just makes wins that much better when you can do it against arrogant, disrespectful, pieces of shit.
Given the average time between such occasions and the average amount of alcohol required to make life in Lubbock tolerable, I find it hard to believe you can actually remember how much better it is.
For crying out loud, our all-time winning percentage against Tech is higher than ours against Baylor. BAYLOR!
Minnesotahorn said:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:21 am
“God I love UT fans and bloggers, it just makes wins that much better when you can do it against arrogant, disrespectful, pieces of shit.”
Tim I totally agree. While this blogger has posted several topics in which he’s shown the utmost respect for your team and coach this lapse into light hearted parity is completely unacceptable. Only the most solemn reverence for every aspect of your program should be tolerated from opposing fans on game week and I applaud your vigilance.
Horncasting said:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Your fascination with Cavalier King Charles Spaniels concerns me.
At least that’s what she said.
Dude said:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:42 am
And with tinkling and marking spots and such. Definitely a canine bent there.
Dude said:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Minnesotahornfats – well done. It’s “parody”
AeroHorn said:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:10 am
When Graham Harrell walked in, I am surprised that Coach Leach did not notice his big head stuck inside the helmet and wondered how it got there.
Tim said:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:17 am
OK, here is Graham Harrell signing Jessie’s jersey (which happens to be a Crabtree Jersey) Oh Well, He signed all of the kids shirts, including Dad’s. The really classy thing that he did, was he stuck around and gave autographs to every kid who wanted one…including the BIG Kids. Most of the players signed a few and then left. He stuck around until everyone was taken care of. I know that he was exhausted after the game and ready to go relax, but he took care of his fans first. Way to go Graham, you are our hero !!
Yeah, real terrible person you guys are poking fun at.
HenryJames said:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:24 am
kevwun said:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Dude, our quarterback won’t even drink soda water. There’s no way you win this one.
Stuck in MN said:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Scip: What manner of man are you that you can completely miss the point of a parody without flint or tinder?
Tim: I… am a Red Raider.
Scip: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me… ‘Tim’…?
Scip: …greetings, Tim the Red Raider.
Dunstan Pearl said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Tim> Did Harrell sign those jerseys before or after he mocked an injured referee on national TV?
Scipio Tex said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Tim, you are a gift that keeps giving.
The General said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Tim,
Is felatio involved in your relationship with Graham?
Regards,
TG
Scipio Tex said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Dunstan Pearl said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:20 am
“he stuck around and gave autographs to every kid who wanted one…including the BIG Kids.”
glad to see Harrell doesn’t discriminate based on weight. that would be cruel.
Chooky said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:25 am
OK, send her in with Graham as well. We’ll kill two birds…uhhh…with the…rock.
This whole thing was funny. It even inspired a Tim&Eric response.
The tender sensibilities on the series of tubes that we call the interwebz amazes me.
HenryJames said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Ok, here is Hitler signing Indiana Jones’ book.
Are we not allowed to poke fun at Hitler?! Tim?!
/for teh (God)win
Dunstan Pearl said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:32 am
The General said:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:34 am
“Ok, here is Hitler signing Indiana Jones’ book.
Are we not allowed to poke fun at Hitler?! Tim?!”
That is ridiculous. Everyone knows Hitler is funnier than fart jokes.
Tim said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Alright Henry you got me; Since you dug up an actual picture of Hitler autographing a book, for a non-fictional person, I suppose you should continue your unabated rant on Harrell.
Nice analogy by the way, I mean Harrell and sick children; and Hitler and Indiana Jones, spot on bro.
I would be careful using any Hitler references, during the same year Aggie Nation is struggling, dangerous waters you are treading.
Dunstan Pearl said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:15 am
wat
Huckleberry said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Alright Henry you got me; Since you dug up an actual picture of Hitler autographing a book, for a non-fictional person, I suppose you should continue your unabated rant on Harrell.
Uh-oh. And before you even try, those are images of Hitler signing his autograph for fans, not signing treaties or other legal documents. You should keep worrying about the trivial stuff, you’re doing a bang-up job so far.
Yoda said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Dangerous waters you tread, my young padawan Tim
bighornfan32 said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Its a joke. You laugh at jokes. like this, ha ha.
Black Scholes said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Tim – I want to thank you deeply for your contributions here. Haven’t lived in Texas for a number of years and I couldn’t quite recall that specific something that defines the Tech fan who is entirely intolerable to anyone with a topography that hasn’t flatlined.
Thanks for helping to set the table.
PatronSaint said:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
“anyone with a topography that hasn’t flatlined.”
Does that mean chicks without boobs?
Tim's Bleeding Vagina said:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Will someone please shove a tampon in me?
Horncasting said:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Tim > Steven
DRP said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Big Satan-understood.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Maybe Tim IS Graham Harrell. He certainly whines enough…
Doperbo said:
October 30th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Huckle fucking Berry. Who else would find a picture of Hitler signing a book for a nun. That deserves a slow clap.
Welcome to Tech *rivalry week everyone.
*not valid in all 50 states
dedfischer said:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Welcome to Tech *rivalry week everyone.
*not valid in all 50 states
Well played.
CrazyJoeDavola said:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Tim reminds me of that classic old joke…
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY.
Minnesotahorn said:
October 31st, 2008 at 4:27 am
So far more daming than my initial gaffe of writing ‘parity’ when I meant ‘parody’ is the fact that I realized it at 2:45 this morning while trying to go back to sleep. This damned blog is apparently haunting my dreams.
Stuck in MN said:
October 31st, 2008 at 4:55 am
It’s “damning”, you’ll probably realize that tonight.
Minnesotahorn said:
October 31st, 2008 at 5:12 am
That one’s just a typo.
Already forgot said:
October 31st, 2008 at 10:02 am
Tim is the perfect Tceh fan. And they are the reason why on one weekend a year I root for tu.
Gig’em. Tim go get drunk and pick on old ladies and “small” kids wearing orange.
sally said:
January 21st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
whats cookin
bye
Cava said:
February 28th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I love your dog…
Barking Carnival — Blog — 2009 Texas Tech Football Preview: State of The Union said:
August 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
[...] offense, QB Graham Harrell left for greener pastures and a glorious professional [...]