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Pundits Cannot Beat A Grizzly!

Posted by Scipio Tex on October 26th, 2008 under Football

Why Barking Carnival will always have a readership.

Aside from the outstanding bear attack metaphors, I derived the greatest enjoyment from the posters commending Hu with “Good post!”


I AM TEH FANATICAL OKLAHOMA ST COWBEAR! DO NOT THROW TEH BOWIE KNIFE AT ME!

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17 Responses

  1. HenryJames said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 2:41 pm

  2. t1climb said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    Here’s another reason. It seems the Hornfans server is down…again. Shocker.

  3. Stuck in MN said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    “In my experience that really is the best way to stop a crazy grizzly attack. So, we disagree there.”

    That’s comedic gold right there.

  4. Parlin Hall said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    For a frightening moment I thought Scip had started using “hu” as a gender neutral pronoun (i.e. as a trendy, non-sexist replacement for “him” or “her”). Then I considered the source.

    fwiw: WIKI!

    The examples for “hu” include “Hu’s head hurts”.

  5. Austin180 said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    You can lead them to water but you can’t make them think.

  6. Scipio Tex said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    Parlin and Austin 180, well played.

  7. AustinYankee said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    What this site is missing is some breaking of ground.

  8. Austin180 said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    Thank you Scip. I stole that from a Nashville songwriting friend, Rock Killough, who told me his definition of horticulture. “You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.”

  9. Hookah said:

    October 26th, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    Wow. Some of those responses serve as a nice little reminder why I left that site years ago. This was a worthy reason for a brief return.

  10. okhorn said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 4:45 am

    Come on Scipio admit it now, you and Hu are one and the same person you ole bear cutting fool you.

  11. PatronSaint said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 5:26 am

    I am going to say something radical and elitist (and likley dumb): alerting/reminding hornfans of BCs existence is exactly what attracts the steven’s of this world here and end up screwing up otherwise enjoyable posts.

  12. J.R.69 said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 6:24 am

    Austin180:

    Not that it matters, but that definition (horticulture) was first mentioned by Dorothy Parker. Another good one by DP: when informed that Warren Harding had just died, she responded, “How could you tell?”

    The woman couldn’t have been all bad. :-)

  13. Soldier of Orange said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Scipio Tex,

    I went slumming over to Hornfans so as to read your response to Hu. (I know the man personally. His middle and last names are Gulliver Rection.) I was stunned and sickened by the smug and condescending tone you assumed, particularly given the abject ignorance you displayed in regard to the major bone of contention between the two of you, namely, the best method for smiting a Grizzly Bear who has descended on a camp site.

    In your response to Mr. G Rection, you imply that you, or someone you were with, personally hurled a Bowie Knife 50 yards, dead on, and dropped a rampaging Grizzly in its tracks. Not that I doubt the varacity of your claim, but if you actually did knife a Grizzly at 50 yards, it was nothing more than a lucky throw which caught an inexperienced Grizzly off guard. And if you tried it again, you would likely wind up as corsely digested nuggets of bear doo doo. In fact, the whole episode smacks of Captain Parmenter’s false heroics in the weekly introduction to F Troop; furthermore, I’ll bet you probably sneezed when you threw the Bowie Knife.

    I, on the other hand, have stopped several such Grizzly attacks using the only method known never to have failed in such circumstances, Grizzly taunting.

    The trick was taught to me by an old mountain man, Bosco ‘Danglin’ Dick” Corndigger. I can still remember the story he told me as we sat around a glowing camp fire nestled in the moon shadow of Elk’s Butt Butte. “There I was a’ squattin’ down to take a shit (by the way, if you can’t catch a rabbit, bear grass’ll wipe you clean as a whistle) when a rampagin’ Grizzly suddenly rose up about 50 yards away.

    “I reached for my trusty Bowie Knife and throw’d it at him, but he’d seen that trick ‘afore. ‘Afore I’d even let fly, he ducked down and then kep’ on a’comin’. ‘Afore I could git my pants up, he was on me. He took one swipe with them big ol’ claws of his and near lopped off my pecker. Well, there I was with my bloody dick a danglin’ just a’ waitin’ to be made into bear shit.

    “Then, my forrest instincts kicked in. I recollected that Grizzly Bears was awful sensetive critters, and I’d noticed that this particular bear had a mighty short dick. So I stared that ol’ bear right in the eyes and said, ‘If you took off another two inches, my dick would be as short as yours.’ Well, when I said that, that ol’ bear’s face dropped. He up and backed off and big ‘ol tears began to well up in his eyes. ‘There, there,’ I said, puttin’ him at his ease, ‘I didn’t really mean that. Your dick ain’t no shorter than the average bear’s. Fact is, I’d say your dick’s a regular Cindy’s delight’ Then when the bear went to wipe away his tears, I reached for my other trusty Bowie Knife and plunged it into his heart. I’ll never forget the look of disbelief in that ol’ bear’s eyes.”

    Now that’s that kind of story a man just doesn’t forget. It came in handy a couple of years later. I was on a hunting trip in Wyoming and had just bagged the wiley and elusive Three-Toed, Horn-Billed Teton Wombat. I was carving out flank steaks to grill for my favorite dish, wombat fajitas, when a rampaging Grizzly Bear rose up about fifty yards away.

    Instinctively, I reached for my trusty Bowie Knife and started to hurl it at the bear, but then I remembered the lesson ‘Danglin’ Dick’ Corndigger had taught me. I then noticed that this particular bear had an unusually wooly muzzle; so, when he came within ten yards, I said, “What’s with you? It appears to me that Grizzly Adams might have knowed your mama.” Sure enough, the Grizzly stopped in his tracks, the hurt hanging like a stench about his body.

    When he began to sob, I reached for my trusty Bowie Knife, but as I lunged to finish him off, he dodged and whipped out a trusty Bowie Knife of his own, one he must have taken from some damn fool who wasn’t quite as lucky as Scipio Tex. A vicious knife fight ensued, not the kind of candy ass knife fight staged in “West Side Story”, but a life and death struggle mano a bearo.

    Well, to make a long story shorter, I kicked the bear in his balls and when he doubled over, I finished him off.

    Many is the time old ‘Danglin’ Dick’s’ bear taunting lesson has saved my bacon in bear country; so, Scipio, the next time you decide to eviscerate some poor dumb bastard over on Hornfans, you might just want to check your facts first and avoid putting forth claims which make you appear ridiculous. Also, the next time you are accosted by a Grizzly Bear in the woods, you would be well advised to forget about hurling knives and to remember the sage Grizzly-taunting advice of one Bosco ‘Danglin’ Dick’ Corndigger.

    Dropping a bear in his tracks with a Bowie Knife at 50 yards indeed.

  14. Scipio Tex said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 9:25 am

    Soldier:

    That is an impressive tale. When I switch out the word ‘bear’ with ‘baby possum’, I have a very similar story.

  15. Soldier of Orange said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Funny thing, I had always assumed the Grizzly Baby Possum to be a mythical creature.

  16. Austin180 said:

    October 27th, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    PatronSaint, I’m pretty sure steven didn’t come from hornfans. I first saw him here.

  17. Grizzly Baby Possum said:

    October 28th, 2008 at 10:09 am

    I am very real

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