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Troubled Titans- The End is Near

Posted by Doperbo on September 17th, 2008 under Football

Reports coming out of Titans headquarters continue to undershadow the deeply troubled state of the franchise according to media outlets. Some have called it a miasma of woe and distress, rife with turmoil and division. Insiders have hinted at a possible federal government bailout pending the outcome of legal investigations into the teams finances. Others have questioned Bud Adam’s haircut. One thing is certain; terrible, terrible things are happening in the Titan’s locker room. Simply unspeakable horrors of biblical proportions that you need to be really freaked out about. It’s star quarterback benched and confused, a locker room deeply divided, day to day uncertainty over the future: a funereal cloud of despair grips the attentions of the once proud organization and hangs over the training facilities of Baptist Sports Park like an insipid cloying pall.

Things came to a head last week when Vince Young, in a fit of emotional histrionics following a poorly thrown ball and an injury, left his home to eat wings and watch football with a friend. Since then things have deteriorated to the point that no one can say for sure whether this team will even survive, or worse, be forced to exist in an artificial limbo, a pseudoprofessional football team state, like the St. Louis Rams. Jeff Fisher has put a brave face on the situation, dealing with such adversity and hardship has been a strain, but he’s managed to remain cautiously optimistic about the future. We’ve obtained transcripts from a recent press conference.

Can you talk about all of the horrible things going on right now in the locker room and how horrible they are?

What?

I mean, starting the year off like this, with all of the turmoil and uncertaintly. Has the string of losses been unbearable?

We’re 2-0.

Yes, yes. I meant more figuratively- you know, the really heart wrenching stuff. Isn’t it just awful?

Not really. We’re in the lead in our division, we’re getting a lot of production out of the younger guys- particularly Chris [Johnson] who’s been playing well. Defensively we feel like we’ve improved, Cortland, Griff, Bulluck, the whole Dline- we have solid depth up and down and some real bright spots there. Really solid. We’re working on scheme and installing things on offense and continuing to get better every day. We’ve brought in a nice back-up QB, a good guy- very professional and understands the league, understands the game and his role on the team, to help us win games if needed. He’s been great so far. Kerry’s play had been productive as well, he was throwing it around in a typhoon last week and looked great. He’s a professional. Vince is rehabbing and coming along, we’re going to work him back in when he’s ready, and it’s a real comfort to have Kerry playing so well and Vince having time to sit and learn which is a real luxury and something we weren’t able to do two years ago. Overall we’re real pleased with everyone’s effort and production and our position so far this early in the season.

Can you talk about how you felt when you first learned that Vince tried to commit suicide?

Vince didn’t try to commit suicide.

You’re so brave, handling a personal loss so well. Do you miss him?

He was watching film with Mike and I ten minutes ago. Seriously. Vince is fine.

Is it hard to believe that everyone hates him more than Pacman now?

What?

How has he reacted to Chris Simms taking his job?

I reiterate, Chris was brought in to fill a very specific role, he’s been nothing but professional about things and is an excellent addition to our team as depth. That is how things stand. We are lucky things worked out be able to bring him in to help us win if needed.

When Chris struggles will you give his job to Chance Mock?

[Silence]

If Vince continues to refuse to rejoin the team will he ever be able to lead them again?

[Silence]

He didn’t even travel to the game last week, that must have been difficult for the team to deal with. That’s no way to win back a locker room.

That’s our policy, and most team’s policy, on injured players. They stay and rehab. They don’t travel.

Yes… so selfish. There’s really no way to explain it, is there?

I’m not even sure how to form a response to that.

Can you comment on your player’s run-ins with law enforcement and how all of this criminal activity is affecting you so far, how it’s been so disappointing and everything. How it’s affected your team and contributed to some of the losses so far this year.

We haven’t had any issues of that nature. And we are 2-0, we have a really good team. I already told you that.

Vince was speeding.

I’m not aware of any criminal charges related to a speeding incident.

And he had a gun.

Yes, the police found everything in order in that situation, and they had no issues regarding that.

Jevon Kearse owns a turtle.

Excuse me?

I mean keeping wildlife, an amphibious reptile, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city – that ain’t legal either.

Does anyone else have any questions? Any football related questions? Anyone?

How has the uncertainty over Cortland Finnegan’s ethnicity affected the secondary? Is that why they only have 5 interceptions in the last two games? Have you met with them to explain exactly what he is, and if so, can you tell us? What he is, I mean.

That’s all. Good evening.

There you have it folks. Jeff Fisher. A brave man, dealing with things as best he can. Criminals and emotional lunatics running the locker room, off to a disappointing 2-0 start this season and struggling to stay afloat in the AFC South: one of the toughest divisions in football. Our thoughts go out to everyone in the Titans organization and especially Coach Fisher. If anything bad happens, anything at all coach, please let us know. We’ll report it fairly and honestly. Our thoughts are with you.

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21 Responses

  1. Chooky said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 8:45 am

    Others have questioned Bud Adam’s haircut.

    Jevon Kearse owns a turtle.

    Excuse me?

    I mean keeping wildlife, an amphibious reptile, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city – that ain’t legal either.

    Hilarious.
    When the Titans hopscotch around all of those dead hookers in the locker room it builds agility. Turmoil and mayhem have an upside.

  2. BringBackHuskerThugs said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 9:26 am

    I fucking hate….hate may be too weak a word….Bud Adams. I hope the Tennessee Oilers (Yea, I said it) are disbanded and Bud is made to wear a sandwich board in downtown Houston for the rest of his miserable existence proclaiming that he destroyed a great NFL franchise.

    This may sound strange coming from a Husker Grad and lifelong Nebraskan, but Earl Campbell and the Oilers were the only reason I liked the NFL….

  3. UTtuck said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 9:32 am

    You might find this difficult to hear, but I love you. In a way that my fiancee doesn’t understand (even after I read the article out loud to her while she was trying to watch a redecorating show).

    Please don’t ever leave me.

  4. Vasherized said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 11:04 am

    Doperbo = First Barking Idol?

  5. lowery said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am

    beautiful

  6. SizzleChest said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    I tittered. Then I chuckled, then chortled. Then I laughed. After that, I shit my pants while guffawing loudly.

  7. Chooky said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    I also shit SizzleChest’s pants.

  8. HenryJames said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    There’s certainly room.

  9. Scipio Tex said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Your writing made my day. I’ve not read better mockery of the histrionics of the media. Ever.

  10. Doperbo said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    That’s high praise indeed. Thanks everyone. I think I got asked out at some point in the comments, but the Chooky/SizzleChest scat fetish visuals have me morbidly askew. I could be mistaken.

  11. Hot Karl said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Best BC thread EVAR!

  12. blon said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    Bravo.

  13. absolut said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 6:18 pm

    BREAKING NEWS :Helicopter with night vision cam is currently following a white Bronco in Nashville on the local Fox affiliate as they suspect Vince is hiding in the back seat while heading to Olive Garden for a late night snack, but could steal a butter knife for future use in ending his miserable life.

  14. Greg Davis Rides the Short(pass) Bus said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Brilliance

  15. Facebook User said:

    September 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Chooky is the Old Gutnish word for guano.

  16. Black Scholes said:

    September 18th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    The kind of think you can come back and keep re-reading and it’s just as funny every time.

    People talk about how great the restaurants are in San Francisco, but we don’t even have an Olive Garden. Or a Chili’s. How am I supposed to take a city seriously when it can’t even offer one of the two finest American casual dining chains? Don’t get me started on Applebees.

    Seriously though, I would commit homicide for a Sonic.

  17. SizzleChest said:

    September 18th, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    HenryJames is the Sanskrit term for “sexual predator of grandparents”.

  18. Redfoot said:

    September 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    My waitress at BuzzBrews thinks I am a madman because of the fits of laughter I went through while reading this and the comments.

  19. Black Scholes said:

    September 18th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    You are a madman! When you stole that cow and you’re friend started making it with the cow. I wanna party with you cowboy.

  20. bad bob said:

    September 18th, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    Scholes – they have an Olive Garden in Stonestown Mall… at least they used to. For Applebees you’d have to go down to Daly City…

    aside from that, I don’t think SF is really at its best when “taken seriously”. They take themselves seriously enough that you and I and everybody else in the world doesn’t have to – that quota is filled.

  21. NateHeupel said:

    September 21st, 2008 at 8:15 pm

    Not to bring everyone down, but here’s an interesting interview discussing Vince Young. Obviously, this guy is no fan of VY, but maybe he needs to stop holding back and tell everyone how he really feels.

    http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PITTSBURGH-PA/WDVE-FM/Merril%20on%20young.mp3?CPROG=PCAST&MARKET=PITTSBURGH-PA&NG_FORMAT=rock&SITE_ID=1734&STATION_ID=WDVE-FM&PCAST_AUTHOR=WDVE-FM&PCAST_CAT=Comedy&PCAST_TITLE=The_Best_of_Jim_and_Randy_on_WDVE

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  • skymonkeyhorn commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   4 hours, 59 minutes ago

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  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 33 minutes ago

    Nordberg,

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 37 minutes ago

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 37 minutes ago

    Egg, that’s fine, but at what point do you blame Barnes? Seriously, man. You’ve thrown players under the bus left and right, but at a certain point, doesn’t the buck stop somewhere. I know you’re more of an NBA guy so it begins and ends with players there, but we need fucking

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    Trips,

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 46 minutes ago

    Pat, know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as a fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit that’s

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 46 minutes ago

    Pat, you know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as a fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 46 minutes ago

    Pat, you know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit that’s

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 49 minutes ago

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    Trips,

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  • uthookem commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   6 hours, 53 minutes ago

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    Oh, and a stupid decision by Brown in giving up the ball to Johnson.

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    Be nice if we’d coached our 90 percent foul shooter not to give the ball up.

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    Ransom,

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    The line kills us, as it should have.

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    Why does Brown give it up there?

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    Bilas explaining why we’re not a smart team…Oh good, I want Gary at the line…

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    The good news is that now I know to fill out the census, so i’m not going to jail…not for that anyway.