Articles
Iron Man Review For Nerds
Posted by ChrisApplewhite on May 8th, 2008 under Uncategorized
How can you tell it’s not football season? We are talking about comic books. I have a feeling that the demographic for this is me and me alone but I’m doing this anyway because Ain’t It Cool News won’t post my reviews ever since I admitted that I liked the second Matrix movie better than the first.
Superhero movies hold a dear, dear place in my heart. As a kid I was really into Spiderman, but the complete mythos of the Marvel universe is something that always fascinated me. I ignore, mostly, the stupid fringe characters, and focus on the overall storylines of the major ones.
Individual comics never really interested me. It was the overall arc of the stories, the legends of the colorful and heroic characters that really turned my gears. Some of the stories, like the Fantastic Four vs. the Silver Surfer/Galactus, rank among the greatest fiction of the last 50 years. The fact that Tim Story perverted what should’ve been cinema gold still chaps my ass, even though I never saw it. That’s just the kind of person I am.
Aside from the utterly epic Secret Wars series, I haven’t read a comic in probably 15 years. Even so, I am still wildly protective on proper canon. When Spiderman revealed his secret identity to Mary Jane in the abortion that was Spiderman 2, I nearly stormed out in a big nerdy huff. That movie was bad enough, it didn’t need to do that to ruin it.
I’ve always found great thrill, for whatever reason, in watching a properly executed storyline. I want to watch the comics I read as a kid played out exactly as they were in front of me. Yes, I know how it’ll end, but any change angers the dork in me and I can’t really enjoy the movie otherwise.
I go, though, to watch them jump and punch and use their powers in live action regardless of how the story plays out. When Nightcrawler was introduced in X-Men 2 I nearly wet myself in the theater. You cannot describe the visceral thrill of seeing a filmmaker get it exactly right. That hot “BAMF!” action made my week.
Even X-Men 3, which was awful, was still so much fun that I saw it twice. Yes, I paid to see a Brett Ratner movie. Twice.
This is the love/hate relationship I have with these movies. This is the love/hate relationship I have with Iron Man.
Initially, I really liked this movie. The first hour or so was the origin story which was followed faithfully. There were two changes that were made – the Vietnam War setting was changed to Afghanistan, which is fine and makes complete sense.
The other change made was the introduction of James “Rhody” Rhodes, played by Cuba Gooding Jr, Jr. Instead of following canon and making him an injured helicopter pilot, his relationship with Tony Stark was already established. I don’t know why they did this, but whatever. It bugs me but I’m still in at this point.
Act 2 is the gradual softening of an iron heart, leading to the creation of an Iron Man. This is handled beautifully. The creation of the suit itself is the high point of the movie, hitting it’s absolute zenith the first time you see Iron Man streak across the sky. If that doesn’t leave goosebumps on your arm then this review is not for you.
His first combat is handled very well, too, although there was an unfortunate instance of jazz hands choreography that so burdened the Spiderman franchise. It’s still a satisfying beat down that I thoroughly enjoyed.
The biggest problem with the movie is the ending. Not only does it veer from the comic book story, it is completely unfulfilling. It’s like sleeping with me: a lot of excitement and build up followed by extreme disappointment 2 minutes later. I wanted to go in and see a little bit of Transformers in this movie. Basically, I wanted to see some robots punching each other in the face. Transformers delivered and then some (Optimus Prime putting his sword through Bonecrushers idiot face? Fucking A’, man), but Iron Man does not.
Essentially this movie is the Hulk with a worse director and better VFX. It would be much more accurate to call the movie Tony Stark, since it’s basically a character study of the man behind the suit, not a glorification of the most popular Avenger, which is probably what it should have been. It’s a good movie, but my summer movie expectations are to see things whizzing around and punching other things in the face. I did not get that to a satisfactory degree and I’m disgruntled about it.
Super nerd section:
Quickly, we need to talk about the science. Oh, the science. Movies can bend the laws of psychics and thermodynamics, we all know and accept this. The bigger the spectacle and the hotter the temperature, the more bending we accept. But you can only push it so far.
The “heart” of the movie is the fictional ARC reactor, a source of limitless power that is the showpiece of Stark Industries. It functions, but since it’s not cost effective it’s deemed not practical enough for further research or use. Tony Stark, in captivity, creates a small version to stick in his chest to keep shrapnel from flowing into his heart and killing him.
This is fine. This is summer movie science and I love it all.
There is some pretty stupid stuff, however. An auto-translator that can instantly turn Arabic into perfect Queen’s English? No, Hollywood, that is not acceptable. Iron Man going from Mach 1 to almost a complete stop and not splattering his brains on the inside of his mask? Ugh. A giant explosion that engulfs a maskless Iron Man but doesn’t singe a single hair off of Tony Starks cynical head? Come on, that’s Spielberg shit.
The biggest gaffe of all was an absolute slobberknocker of a reach: Pepper Pott’s magic cell phone that somehow worked in an underground parking garage. Yeah fucking right, Favreau. It’s one thing to have a mechanical super man flying around earth solving humanitarian crises, it is another entirely to pretend any technology you can dream up will enable you to call out from the inside of a buried concrete and iron box. Again, the fact that this bugs me makes me a dork. I know this.
The other supernerd complaint I have is their choice of villian. The Iron Monger is cool and all, but there are two main antagonists that were better choices, and would’ve been awesome to see. The problem with both Crimson Dynamo and the Titanium Man is that both characters are played by an ensemble cast of soviet-era villians, instead of an ensemble cast of American villians. They could’ve easily retconned this to Middle Eastern or Korean or something, though, just like they did the origin story. I felt a little gypped with the choice of bad guy, just like the lack of Venom in the first two Spiderman movies. I refuse to see the third, although I understand he’s in it briefly.
The acting:
Robert Downey Jr. is magnificent as Tony Stark. He’s a huge fan of the series, and his default character is perfect for Stark. No one else could have played this part. Jeff Bridges and the underused Terrance Howard were perfectly acceptable, and I look forward to Howard donning the suit in part 2, and his alleged performance as War Machine. Gweneth Paltrow is fine, and a really good choice to play Potts. Not hot.
My own performance:
It’s only fair right? Who am I to judge a movie while not offering up myself to be judged as well?
First off, my only clean shirt was the black, totally kick ass Venom shirt, with the huge white spider symbol on it. This is a bitchin’ shirt that I wear proudly. Problem was that nobody wanted to go see it with me, so yeah, I was that guy. Alone, middle of the afternoon, wearing a comic book shirt to a comic book movie. To kill time I had a Nintendo DS handy.
Luckily, I was surrounded by that guys, so I didn’t stand out too badly. Unluckily, I also wore my lady pants. In short, they are too tight, they are too low, and anytime I’m not standing perfectly erect my ass crack spills out like the high school slut that I am. But I keep them because I look fucking fantastic in them. They are my lady pants. Lady pants are not for mid-afternoon nerd movies, though, and they are too tight to sneak any candy in so I had to pay $3.50 for Skittles. Awful.
I had to pee in the middle, which is so rare that I was embarrassed for myself when I went. I am not a 50 year old man or 5 year old child and shouldn’t have this issue. Not until years of medical neglect leaves my prostate swollen and useless. After admiring my jeans in the mirror I left to get back to the movie, meaning I had a date with those massive noise insulated doors. I initially went to grab the handle with my left hand before realizing that I was in an awkward position to do so, it would be much easier to use my dominant hand here. Since I was already extended, though, I ended up momentarily lurching forward with both arms raised looking like a (sexy) Frankenstein monster who was about to hug someone in front of him that only he could see. I was joined in the little foyer by a theater employee wearing a World of Warcraft undershirt who looked exactly like someone with a World of Warcraft shirt should look. I made him the coolest person in the room.
To the movie I give a solid but still disappointing B, to myself a resounding F-.
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Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 33 minutes ago
Thanks, dick. Interesting perspective.
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dick commented on the blog post The Definitive Bracket: 63 Guaranteed Winners! 56 minutes ago
KB,
You are going to be too smart for your own good. A common fault amongst Bracket makers. There’s a reason why the 55 year old admins win 80% of these things every year.
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dick commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 1 hour ago
“which impresses me since I know he didn’t hear the podcast.”
You shouldn’t be, after reading both guys over the past year, KB knows more about basketball and gambling than Millman does and it’s not even close.
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dick commented on the blog post Early NCAA Tournament Bets 1 hour, 42 minutes ago
I’ll post all of my first day games tonight.
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Louisville has a great chance if Jerry Smith is healthy.
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 6 hours, 12 minutes ago
I just took Baylor going to the Elite 8. It’s a crazy mixed up world we live in.
Is it just me, or does it pain anyone else to not be able to determine who is going to beat Duke early? It’s bound to happen, but who will it be?
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Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Final Four Prediction 6 hours, 14 minutes ago
By “we” I meant the Horns. Kevin, why should I take Siena over A&M?
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Kevin Berger commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 6 hours, 28 minutes ago
colorado ag, Utah State is as athletic as Nebraska. You’ll be fine as long as they don’t go 16 for 31 from three.
Siena, on the other hand, is going to beat you like you stole something. Maybe not, but the Saints should win.
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Kevin Berger commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 6 hours, 32 minutes ago
Great article Scipio. Also, thanks for the dime.
Looking at the Tournament futures market, Vegas is telling us what they think about Onuaku’s health. The Orangemen have the easiest region and road to the fianl four, yet they’re +700 to win it all, while UK and Kansas, teams with much tougher roads, are +250
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Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Final Four Prediction 6 hours, 37 minutes ago
My brackets are pretty much locked down except the South. Can’t get myself to take Baylor, and Duke doesn’t feel right. Nobody seems to be high on Nova. It’s all about the Big East and Big 12 this year.
It’s a crying shame we suck so bad. We are in a good
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James commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 6 hours, 47 minutes ago
Scip, like a peaceful Indian in the 1800’s, I never trust a Mormon that can shoot. Utah State has me worried.
If we escape the first weekend, things get very interesting with a potential Sweet 16 match-up with Duke. Ugly up the game and guard like hell on the perimeter in front of a
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Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 7 hours, 17 minutes ago
CJD -
Possibly. However, I’m telling you – the beauty of these intergame lines is that when you see that all-too-familiar big early game lead that you know will evaporate down the stretch as soon as the team starts regressing to their 3 point shooting mean, there’s some money to be made.
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Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 7 hours, 19 minutes ago
uthookem-
I’d say you have your priorities straight.
colorado -
Anytime. How far do you think the Aggies go? A lot of people think Utah State is the most dangerous pure shooting team in the tournament.
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uthookem commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 7 hours, 30 minutes ago
Last year in Vegas, Friday morning, stumble to the line at 8:30 to make my bets, put $20 on a four-team parlay on the four 9:00 am games, nailed it! Three of the four games’ spread was determined in the final 0:30. Walked away with $220.
Yeah, so what if that is the only
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James commented on the blog post Sending Aggies to the NFL 7 hours, 31 minutes ago
Jordan, all just wild, premature conjecture. I’d hedge that only a third of that 2013 list ever makes an NFL roster. It is picking which third that is the tough part.
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James commented on the blog post Bracket Breakdown & Gambling Tips 7 hours, 33 minutes ago
Very interesting piece. These games can’t start soon enough. Thanks, Scip.
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I have:
Syracuse
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Vic said:
May 8th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Rhodes was played by Terrance Howard… not Cuba Goodings, Jr.
Ransom Stoddard said:
May 8th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Despite some goofs [like massive explosions that don't kill anyone standing at ground zero], the movie is pretty good. The ultimate fight with Ironmonger was very disappointing though. A few slugs, a few insults and it was over. I expected 20 minutes of cool brawling and special effects wizardry.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
May 8th, 2008 at 5:06 am
This article was hilarious.
I’d totally rip on you about the dork Comic stuff, but I have no room to talk. I feel the same way about Star Trek canon. And I am a 26 year-old female. (In my defense, I grew up on ST b/c my dad watched it all the time, so I have a soft spot for it.) Anyways, a fan of any type of science fiction is a dork deep down.
As for Iron Man, I can wait until it comes out on video. I’d rather go pay to watch Batman and Indy. Yeah. I buy into the hype.
BigSatan said:
May 8th, 2008 at 5:26 am
I typically feel the same way about Canon, and comic book movies in general. Fortunately, I never paid any attention to Iron Man, so it was all happy enjoyment for me. However, Brett Ratner and the abortions that were spiderman 2 and 3 make me want to stab. And don’t get me started on George Lucas.
TTP, Fred said:
May 8th, 2008 at 5:29 am
If Chris doesn’t call Sasha within the next 24 hours, yag si eh.
Ogre said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:10 am
NEEEERRRRRRRRRDS!!!!!
Mastastic said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Where the hell is Doperbo? Titan fans need perspective badly!
jc25 said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I totally liked the second Matrix movie better than the first one as well. No one understands.
Unless you were being sarcastic. Then I was totally kidding. But not really.
HenryJames said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:43 am
Doperbo ran into a bit of legal trouble.
Nordberg said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:46 am
I think the second Matrix movie catches a lot of shit because the third one was so bad, and a lot of people lump the two together. I also enjoyed the second one, although I don’t think it was as good as the first.
Bartoncreek said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Nice and entertaining review.
My 7 and 9 year olds loved it. It was even better than Nation Treasure Book of Secrets!!!
I thought it was a very entertaining movie and worth the money. That is about all I can do. No writing skillz and not a sci-fi or comic book dork. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
jc25 said:
May 8th, 2008 at 6:57 am
The second one was unyielding and pretentious. It was akin to the first one in that the Wachowski Brothers were pretty much saying, “Ok, here’s what you think you know (Neo is supposed to save the world), but you don’t really know shit. So here’s how it really is (Neo is a clever design to control the humans).” Ergo, the Architect’s speech, which was brilliant in its deviousness. It also has the most killer fight+car chase scene EVAR.
I thought they’d follow up with the third Matrix in a similar fashion, and flip the script once again. Instead, they just degenerated it into a pretty basic shoot ‘em up action movie. Plus, they had no idea where the hell they were taking the Mr. Smith storyline. Just bad form all around.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:08 am
I’ve spent only one part of a movie on the literal edge of my seat – the highway part of the second Matrix. When it ended I realized I was practically hugging the person in front of me’s head.
It was a really good movie and I agree with Nordberg that it unfairly gets lumped in with the third.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Although I will say that the end of the series was really good, with Neo sacrificing himself. IT didn’t make sense at first but if you think about it, it’s really the only thing that could’ve really happened.
Huckleberry said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Can someone explain how in the hell a limitless power source could be described as not cost effective? I can’t get past this point. Therefore the movie sucks.
Parlin Hall said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:17 am
That you guys could write more than a sentence about the second Matrix film without typing the name “Monica Bellucci” puzzles me.
TaylorTRoom said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I liked “The Matrix” better the first time, when it was called “Star Wars”- young man is unaware of the powers in him, has to be mentored by older master, is told that he is the key to saving the world. He’s uncertain, not sure he’s up to it, … and when he decides to accept his mantle, it turns out that his powers surpass even his mentor’s.
I’m amazed that the same people like both without even recognizing that it’s the same formula.
Bartoncreek said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Huck, it’s because energy is so inexpensive right now. And besides, who really uses energy?
HenryJames said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:43 am
I thought it was because it only worked with European electrical outlets.
BrickHorn said:
May 8th, 2008 at 8:52 am
“Can someone explain how in the hell a limitless power source could be described as not cost effective?”
That bothered me, too. But it could make sense if the cost to manufacture and implement it is greater than the entire cost required to extract and use all known or projected energy resources in perpetuity.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
May 8th, 2008 at 9:19 am
““Can someone explain how in the hell a limitless power source could be described as not cost effective?”
That bothered me, too. But it could make sense if the cost to manufacture and implement it is greater than the entire cost required to extract and use all known or projected energy resources in perpetuity.”"
Ooooo! Economics! I would think the question would be: Would the initial investment plus the cost of any required maintenance be greater than using any known or projected energy resources? If there is no maintenance required, then no matter the initial investment, the thing is going to pay for its self eventually. Plus, if it is limitless in the terms of not being diminished over time in size, strength, or output no matter how many people/places/things draw from it, then getting multiple investors would disseminate the costs enough to make it worthwhile. It depends on exactly what they mean by “limitless.”
Of course, as previously stated, I haven’t seen the movie. I’m just going by other’s comments. And drawing people off topic. I apologize. I get way too excited about fun little speculations such as these. Carry on.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Glad to know I’m not the biggest dork on this site. Thanks guys.
Ps – Sasha, are you really a 26 year old female trekkie who likes sports? Come clean, you’re a dude.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
May 8th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Hahahaha! No. As hard as it is to believe, I am a 26 year old female. I don’t often confess to being an avid fan of Star Trek, but the anonymity of the Internet makes that particular admission much easier.
And for the record (since I know the image has come to mind), I am not some bespectacled, frumpy, hermit of a woman whose only outlet is the Internet. Sites like this just kill time when I have nothing to do at work. I’m actually very social and active. Star Trek is a guilty pleasure. Football is a necessity.
Facebook User said:
May 8th, 2008 at 11:46 am
BigSatan said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Nicely done, Sailor.
Also, in regards to Canon and it’s adherence, a number of people obsessed with it might end up pissed off at The Dark Knight. It’s going to take some liberties.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
DC comics fucking suck. Liberties need to be taken.
Also I agree with Sailor.
BigSatan said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I don’t think THESE liberties needed to be taken. That being said, I don’t care because I wasn’t into comics as a kid, and a good movie trumps everything.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Having never read a single Batman comic I will be entirely unaware of what changed. Batman was always a movie/cartoon to me. You’ll have to tell me what you mean after the movie comes out.
HenryJames said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did.
BrickHorn said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
“Also, in regards to Canon and it’s adherence, a number of people obsessed with it might end up pissed off at The Dark Knight. It’s going to take some liberties.”
Oh Jesus. They’ll probably do something crazy like implying that Batman lives an alternative lifestyle with a scantily-clad young male companion or something.
HenryJames said:
May 8th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
BigSatan said:
May 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Fuck. HJ beat me to it.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
May 8th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
It took me forever to figure out what the sign holding smiley meant. I had to look it up. I am not “hip” to the “blog lingo,” as they say.
At the risk of sounding vain, if that is about me, then I am certainly not going to post a picture of myself on an unrestricted site. At least with Facebook I can have some control over who sees my pictures.
Furthermore, I don’t know how to post fun little images and clips on this particular site. Generally there are buttons for that. I’m not a very tech savvy person and without guidance, the only other thing I would know is “copy/paste.”
Facebook User said:
May 8th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Well, it sure wasn’t about ChrisApplewhite. We’ve already seen pictures of him molesting Skippyjon Jones.
Let me first assure you that this is a restricted site. Let me also proffer my mad blog photo posting skills. Unless you are a minor in which case you should email them to doperbo –AT– barkingcarnival –DOTCOM.
In all seriousness we’re so glad you are part of our group. Thanks for hanging around.
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 8th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
You’re lucky that I don’t know who Skippyjon Jones is or have any ability to fight whatsoever.
Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog said:
May 9th, 2008 at 6:07 am
I believe Sailor is referring to the pictures of you and your living companion. That poor dog…
Thanks Sailor! This is definitely one of the more entertaining sites I read while at work. I’d comment more on the sports posts, but I feel like a (wo)man among giants. I know more than your average girl, but not as much as y’all. I’m getting there, though.
Huckleberry said:
May 9th, 2008 at 7:21 am
You know more than HenryJames. Trust me on that one.
And I think Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson were the victim of a terrible angle in that picture above. Clearly on the wall behind them there is a gap in the headboards so most likely those are two separate beds.
Right?
HenryJames said:
May 9th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Specialized said:
May 9th, 2008 at 9:43 am
You liked the second matrix movie better than the first one?
That my friend is the most unbelievable thing in this whole blog.
coach Callahan said:
May 9th, 2008 at 9:51 am
PETA has seen those pictures of Chris and his dog. They are not pleased.
Nordberg said:
May 9th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Wait, that’s a real fucking comic strip? Haha.
Nordberg said:
May 9th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Oh wait. Boners. I see. Nevermind.
I don’t know if I liked the second Matrix more than the first, but I did like it. The 3rd is almost unwatchable.
Scipio Tex said:
May 9th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I’ll go see Iron Man. I stopped reading comics in junior high, but I remember the quality of the narratives very well. Daredevil used to have some amazing character development and awesome villains, but you wouldn’t know it from that douchebag effort Ben Affleck put out.
Aren’t they doing Thor? How the hell? They’re going to do a casting call for a 6′6″ 300 pound guy with Nordic features, excellent acting skills, and the ability to swing a mythical hammer convincingly? Philip Seymour Hoffman?
Batman Begins sets the standard for a superhero movie, IMO.
The Secret Wars reference made me laugh. I recall what an excellent mood I was put in when Spider Man bitchslapped the entire squad of X-Men.
And if Sasha-Dog really is a girl, there is great hope for humanity.
CharrdWood said:
May 9th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
I’m sure I’ll see the movie, ‘cuz I’ve got a 5-year-old and 10-year-old that are frothing at the mouth after the trailers, and although I can’t claim to have been an Iron Man “fan” as a kid, leaving aside the “canon” aspect of things, what I can’t get past is…Robert fucking Downey Jr.?!?!?! For me the actor playing the comic book superhero is the primary concern, and I just ain’t buyin’ it. Same as it was impossible to accept Michael Keaton as Batman or Tobey Maguire (friggin’ Tobey Maguire!!!) as Spiderman. And I live in Forest Hills! Fuck’s sake…
Anyway, that’s why, for me, the best transition/translation from comics to screen is “Hellboy”. Sure, I understand that the average mouth breather didn’t understand why Hellboy “fought the same enemy again and again”, but has there ever been a better match between superhero and actor than Hellboy and Ron Perlman? Or between subject and director? All hail GDT! Roll on 11 July!
ChrisApplewhite said:
May 9th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
“I recall what an excellent mood I was put in when Spider Man bitchslapped the entire squad of X-Men.”
Fuckin’ A again.
Jeff said:
May 12th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
When will they finally make the movie about Matter Eater Lad?
Or (and this one I’m serious about) the Power Man and Iron Fist combo? Sweet sister!
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February 27th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
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