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The Official “Stevie Wonder Sucks” Post

Posted by EyesOfTX on May 6th, 2008 under Uncategorized

I was fortunate enough to have attended New Orleans’ Jazzfest over the weekend, and my brain cells have finally regenerated to the point where I’m able to write about it. Three nights at the Old Absinthe House and two mornings of bloody marys at the Chartre House will have that effect on a person.

BTW, the Olde Absinthe House is the greatest bar in the world. I’m convinced of this and am not accepting arguments about it. Great drinks, great people, friendly if harried service, a kick-ass jukebox, a bunch of ’70s vintage NFL and collegiate football helmets hanging from the ceiling, what more can you ask for? You sit on one of the streetside stools for an hour and not only will 300 beautiful women pass through the place, and another 2,000 will pass by on the street in front of you. You stay in there until 3:00 a.m. drinking vodka sodas, and your wife, girlfriend or other partner of choice (that’s for you gay folks) will have to spend an hour telling you all the stupid shit you did after midnight, including apparently nearly getting into a fist fight with the cabbie who brought you back to the hotel. But that’s another story, and I frankly can’t remember any of it, so we’ll move on.

It’s the greatest bar in the world. Oh, yes, it is.

The Chartre House is also outstanding, in that they make the best bloody marys I’ve ever had. I don’t even like freaking bloody marys, but if I lived in New Orleans, I’d have two or three of theirs every damn day of the week. Of course, I’d also soon be unemployed and in rehab, but it’d be worth it.

The bad part was the wifey and I waited too late to make airline reservations, so we had to drive from Houston to New Orleans and back. That was ok driving over last Thursday afternoon, but really not fun at all coming back on Sunday. The good part was that we were staying at the W on Poydras and had passes to the Shell hospitality pavillion as well as the Big Chief stands at the main stage. So life was good.

That is, until Stevie Wonder took the stage on Friday evening.

Mind you, I like Stevie Wonder’s music, and was looking forward to seeing him more than any other act over the weekend. Plus, I’m cheap as hell, and hate having to admit I disliked any movie, concert, play or other sort of show I paid good money to attend. So I was inclined to like the guy, come hell or high water.

Well, come high water, anyway. Kurt Russell, playing Wyatt Earp in “Tombstone” yelled the famous line “You tell ‘em I’m comin’! You tell ‘em I’m comin’, and HELL’s comin’ with me!”

Like Wyatt Earp, Stevie came to the Acura Stage at the 2008 New Orleans Jazz Festival, and he brought hell with him. He started by lecturing the audience on a subject which we can’t discuss at the Barking Carnival. Which wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t taken ten goddam minutes to do it. Then again, it did give me time to go take a leak and get another can of champagne (yes, they do serve canned champagne at Jazz Fest), so I guess that was ok after all. Come to think of it, it was actually a highlight as things turned out.

This is a photo of Little Stevie Wonder, sucking.

He then began the actual music part of the show with three interminably long, boring songs that nobody in the audience appeared to recognize. At a couple of points in the third song, he simply stopped and refused to continue until the audience applauded. What we were applauding was completely lost on me and everyone around me.

30 minutes into the ‘performance’, he finally played one of his hit songs. I forget now which one it was. He then took a break and let his mediocre-voiced daughter entertain the crowd with a couple more unrecognizable numbers. At this point, the crowd began to thin out.

So anxious were were to actually be entertained for at least a moment or two by this legendary singer/songwriter that the group we were with stuck around until Stevie came back onstage. When he launched into yet another song no one recognized, we decided enough was enough and it was time to get something to eat. Screw this.

So, it’s official: Stevie Wonder sucks. If you ever have an opportunity to spend money on tickets to see this guy in concert, don’t walk away, run like a freaking banshee, like Forrest Gump returning a kickoff, like Big Brown in the Kentucky Derby, like…well, you get the picture.

How to react when offered tickets to a Stevie Wonder concert.

The good news is, Jimmy Buffett kicked ass and took names on the same stage on Saturday night, so we had that going for us.

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17 Responses

  1. Black Scholes said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    Canned champagne? The mind reels. You earned every bit of that pain on the drive back to Houston (which I once made after Druckenmiller and Va Tech pantsed Mackovic in the Sugar Bowl).

  2. Parlin Hall said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    By coincidence, my young daughter wound up seeing clips of Ray Charles and then Stevie Wonder on two different t.v. shows.

    Try explaining *that* to an incredulous eight-year-old.

  3. kchorn04 said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 6:18 pm

    You are probably upset because he didn’t acknowledge your “I love you, Stevie” sign. Maybe you should have made the letters bigger.

  4. SizzleChest said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    You should have tried to explain Ronnie Milsap too, just so she wouldn’t draw any conclusions.

  5. Facebook User said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 6:39 pm

  6. Greg Davis Rides the Short(pass) Bus said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    Eyes—exactly how old are you? I wasn’t aware those from your generation knew about the internets yet.

  7. Spawn of Cthulhu said:

    May 6th, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Stevie Wonder’s glass eye always freaks me out.

  8. Ransom Stoddard said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 4:03 am

    You lost me at “I like his musci”. Why?

  9. Eddie said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 6:54 am

    I could have sworn that I heard you say “canned champagne”, but that can’t be right.

  10. HenryJames said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 7:18 am

    You lost me at “I like his musci”. Why?

    Oh, no reason.

  11. Vasherized said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Crawfish Monica and a can of champagne … mmmm good.

  12. utvol said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 8:04 am

    Terrance Blanchard, Marva Wright, & the Soul Rebels – much better options than Stevie..

    Saturday – starting off with Fuefollet, & the Pine Leaf Boys, the “dudes, with M. Ball on the Gentilly stage – as well Lil’ Buck Sinegal, the Treme’ Brass band, Dr. Michael White – quite the stellar day in the Big Easy.

    Swing by MRB’s for a bloody mary – and shoot some pool with the dog.

    Chuck’s on Gravier St. ain’t a bad place to sit and drink – as well as Mimi’s, the Spotted Cat, and the dba in the Marnigy.

  13. Levander Williams said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 8:47 am

    Wow – political moralizing / condescension from self-important celebrities. Who’da thought?

    Did Stevie serenede you with the love song for ‘he who cannot be named in this forum’?

  14. Super said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Did we see the same show?

    I thought he and his band were great – better than I expected them to be. Played all the hits. I take it you’re not a fan of Innervisions or Golden Lady? Now, he wasn’t quite the asskicker Santana was on Sunday afternoon (THAT’S a Festival band if there ever was one), but everyone around me having a great time and singing along. Of course we weren’t in the Big Chief Tent with all the other parrotheads making the scene, so maybe we missed some other element of suck that colored your experience.

    Agree on Pine Leaf Boys; also dug Kenny Bill Stinson, Geno Delafose, Fredy Omar, Henry Butler, and that little kids brass band we saw at the kids tent. And Bishop Paul Morton w/ Greater St. Stephens Mass Choir rocked as usual.

    I had to miss the Old Ab House this time, but Frankie and Johnny’s was closer to where we stayed and was more than adequate.Mudbugs were excellent as was the meatball po-boy – dressed. Yes, I said it.

  15. utvol said:

    May 7th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    JazzFest is as much fun away from the track that actally being at the track – you’re kinda/sorta sobering up – and have the opportunity to see some of the lesser names putting on some great shows late at night.

    Guys like Anders, Paul Sanchez, G. Porter Jr. Brian Stoltz, John Vocodich, Walter Johnson, John Boutte, Homua native Tab Benoit, all the members of the Meters, etc, seem to be playing in every club in town.

    The neat thing about Jazzfest this year – lots of locals getting stage time – more so that in the recent past.

    Food? How about sittin’ in the Clover Grill with the cops and lower Bourbon Street residents – eatin’ breakfast.

    Closing Jazzfest – the Radiators.

    Santana? – how about Snooks Eaglin & Sonny Landreth.

    meat ball po’boy = a grilled ham steak po’boy from the Parkway Bakery & Tavern – with a couple Hubig’s fried pies – coconut and chocolate – washed down with an Abita Amber..

  16. Super said:

    May 8th, 2008 at 8:19 am

    Agreed on being ‘away from the track’. Hell, you can walk Frenchman St. and the Warehouse district with your drink(s), never pay a dime to get into any club, and still hear tons of great music. It all spills into the streets.

    Seen Snooks and Sonny and the Radiators, several times – and both at previous JFs. Had never seen Santana live. Nevilles was a nice homecoming show. Spent lots of time in Economy Hall with the old folks, too. Always fine music.

    Saw Tab Thursday night with Big Chief Monk Boudreaux at Preservation Hall. Saw Meter’s several places; hit Domilises’, Frankie and Johnny’s, Liuzza’s BTT; my beloved Royal St. Grocery is gone, sadly, but still enough corner groceries with the po-boy goods.

    Also, the strawberry lemonade from the Congo Sq. food area is cheaper and bigger than the others, and mixes beautifully with Maker’s or Wild Turkey 101.

  17. Super said:

    May 8th, 2008 at 8:21 am

    And we carried the Texas flag. Not many of those at the Fairgrounds, for some reason, so made it easy to find our group even in the sea at Acura and Gentilly.

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