Connect with your Facebook Account

Contact

1

Hostages Taken at Clinton Headquarters

Posted by Chooky on December 1st, 2007 under Uncategorized

Rochester, N.H. — An embarrasingly lightweight drunk, Leeland Eisenburg, 47, entered the Rochester headquarters of the Hillary Clinton campaign with road flares, a Cornish game hen, a package of hot dogs and AA batteries strapped to his chest. The Somersworth, N.H. resident insisted that the desultory assortment fastened to his torso was a bomb and was positive his behavior would be an infallible method for acquiring a face to face discussion with the democratic frontrunner.

Eisenberg entered the office front and exposed the various objects on his chest and said, “This is the bomb.” When confronted by a puzzled campaign volunteer, and questioned about the comical components of the bomb, he responded by making absurd demands and assuring them that, “yep, it’s the bomb. I’m the bomb,” and then held the entire staff hostage.

The unremarkable event was resolved peacefully as Eisenburg gradually released hostages and eventually surrendered to the New Hampshire SWAT team.

After the ridiculous Eisenburg was arrested, Rochester Police Chief David Dubois stated: “Right naw we just wanna focus on da safety of eveibuddies. We also wanna tank the suppewt of aw law agencies invawved. They wuh wicked efficient. Dat’s wut’s impewtant right naw. We can discuss o’da possible criminah chodges tomorrah.”

The perishable and hilarious bomb that was trussed to Eisenburg’s chest was later detonated by a visibly irritated police robot that shrugged its shoulders and shook its head as it rolled back to its trailer.

Political pundits across the country pondered how the fugacious episode would stimulate the polls and whether or not Eisenburg could out drink Michelle Malkin. Ann Coulter was asked to respond on the Fox News program, Hannity and Colmes, but was hastily rushed to commercial when Coulter began the segment by saying nothing, unhinging her jaw to swallow a house pet that belonged to a 9-11 widow while simultaneously hiking her designer evening gown to urinate on a photograph of Geraldine Ferraro.

CNN interviewed a panel of expert criminal profilers who collectively concluded that Eisenburg is likely emotionally unstable. Wolf Blitzer, if that’s even his real name, agreed with the profilers after cautious investigation.

An A.P. reporter sought a response from William F. Buckley, Jr., but was slapped on the ear for interrupting him while he was busily engaged with a bottle of Chivas Regal and being smart.

Hillary Clinton publicly praised the professionalism and patience of New Hampshire’s law enforcement for defusing the dumb spectacle. She reported that the disturbance wouldn’t deter her campaign schedule and sighed with an expression of sullen relief that might or might not have been rehearsed.

More from this Barker


Share This

  • StumbleUpon

One Response

  1. This is nothing to laugh at.

    The nitrates in that pack of hot dogs can kill a man.

Leave a Reply

Related Articles

Hot Forum Topics

Activity

  • Farmer Ted wrote a new blog post: Castille Day   16 minutes ago

    If you’re looking for something to do today, how about submitting your name for the NFL’s supplemental draft? Evidently anyone can do it, even Quentin Castille.

    Pelini unceremoniously booted the once promising running back on August 22 for the usual mysterious undisclosed violation of team rules, ending Castille’s shot at the riches and fame of pro football.

    Or so

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Another game vs. Kansas, another loss   3 hours, 35 minutes ago

    honga. Forget it. It’s Chinatown. Fuck it, let’s go bowling.

    Kansas is going to win it all. They have their shit toegther.

    Great columns.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Big East Beast: The West Virginia Mountaineers   4 hours, 13 minutes ago

    Oh, and most importantly, fuck bandwagon Spike Lee. When does 30: Reggie Miller vs. NY Knicks come out?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Big East Beast: The West Virginia Mountaineers   4 hours, 14 minutes ago

    Kevin – That’s a great article and a great game.

    I felt like the refs let a lot go. Love to see your Tourney officiating Primer. Who it helps and who it hurts in terms of teams and leagues.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Metoyer Commits to OU and a Brief Commentary on Life   4 hours, 31 minutes ago

    Baby Heupel. Fantastic. No more excuses about your writing output!

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin commented on the blog post Masoli out for ’10–Did Kelly make the strongest play?   4 hours, 36 minutes ago

    I know what Stoops DID do…

    Are you alluding to the Burlington thing or something else?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Masoli out for ’10–Did Kelly make the strongest play?   4 hours, 36 minutes ago

    I know what Stoops DID do…

    Is this the Burlington thing or something else?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin commented on the blog post Masoli out for ’10–Did Kelly make the strongest play?   4 hours, 36 minutes ago

    I know what Stoops DID do…

    Are you alluding to the Burlington thing or something else?

    And what’s with these Oregon fuck sticks? Dudes, Uncle Phil will take care of you. Just pick up the Duck Phone.

    Masoli had a bad history here in the Bay Area. Shaking kids down at Serra, I think.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • admin commented on the blog post Masoli out for ’10–Did Kelly make the strongest play?   4 hours, 36 minutes ago

    I know what Stoops DID do…

    Are you alluding to the Burlington thing or something else?

    And what’s with these Oregon fuck sticks? Dudes, Uncle Phil will take care of you. Just pick up the Duck Phone.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Trey Metoyer to OU   4 hours, 40 minutes ago

    Jesus. Echoes of combinology. He plays college. First. He doesn’t need to be Usain Bolt. Or even Teddy Lehman. Kid’s a player.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post The FanTake network guest lecture series   4 hours, 48 minutes ago

    If the bloggers aren’t smart enough to figure it out, only Dez knows.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Damion…prepare for glory   5 hours, 44 minutes ago

    Are you correcting yourself when you properly spell words with properly spelled words?

    Sweet Jesus.

    Been to the hot gates. F Ephialtes.

  • Ibas water bottle commented on the blog post The FanTake network guest lecture series   6 hours, 11 minutes ago

    Whiskey as soon as I figure out what the flip cards are for you’ll be the first to know. Until then our opponents have to take an extra ten minutes trying to figure them out, Every minute they spend not working on stopping Kendal Hunter is a net gain for OSU.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • whiskey commented on the blog post The FanTake network guest lecture series   6 hours, 16 minutes ago

    Good stuff Ibas. I think Gundy might be able to kick it up to the next level in short order if he plays his cards right. At some point you have to tell me what’s up with those crazy tic tac toe boards he uses to call offensive plays. I still have

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Nate Heupel commented on the blog post Trey Metoyer to OU   6 hours, 17 minutes ago

    I’m not backing down from that comment. He doesn’t have the kind of top end speed you hope for, but his ball skills are insane. Watching his film, I don’t see him outrunning anyone. But no one is taking the ball from him.

    He’s not actually “slow” per se, his speed

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Luke wrote a new blog post: Another game vs. Kansas, another loss   7 hours, 18 minutes ago

    I’m not going to sit here and say Kansas State would have won tonight if Jacob Pullen would have been his usual self, but it sure would have been nice to find out.

    Instead, Pullen scored just 13 and shot 5-17 from the field, including just 1 of 8 on threes, a few of which were

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Basketball Bets 3/12   7 hours, 23 minutes ago

    Dick, we’ll see, but I’m not encouraged by OSU’s path to get to this point.

    Diego, that’s great, glad you made some money.

    Anyone have anything for tomorrow? I’m looking at Duke over again, and the Ohio State over. Not sure if I’m going to play anything. I may just sweat my

  • Kevin Berger wrote a new blog post: Big East Beast: The West Virginia Mountaineers   7 hours, 27 minutes ago

    Bob Huggins doesn’t recruit basketball players he recruits tough guys who happen to play basketball. He did the same thing at Cincinnati with hard-nosed players like Danny Fortson and Steve Logan and he’s doing it for the West Virginia Mountaineers if tonight’s rough and tumble play was any indication.

    In the

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Baylor: Post-Mortem, kinda   7 hours, 31 minutes ago

    Roostrman, that’s great stuff.

    Watch any game for crying out loud and it’s going to be better, crisper basketball than what we play. New Mexico State and Utah state looked like they’d run us out of the gym.

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 39 minutes ago

    He said in an interview somewhere that he grew up a Miami fan and that Miami was his current favorite. I imagine that after he visits some other schools Miami’s lead will dissipate though.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Kevin Berger commented on the blog post Damion…prepare for glory   7 hours, 40 minutes ago

    fuck, disarray

  • Mark Otto commented on the blog post Damion…prepare for glory   7 hours, 41 minutes ago

    Nickel, good stuff. Keep it coming.

    I think Texas is in such disarray that we could lose to a juco team. But we do match up well with FSU and Cuse especially if Onuaku is out. Those two teams really don’t have the blow-by type guards that have plagued us recently.

    Also, Sienna is

  • Kevin Berger commented on the blog post Damion…prepare for glory   7 hours, 41 minutes ago

    Nickel, good stuff. Keep it coming.

    I think Texas is in such dissaray that we could lose to a juco team. But we do match up well with FSU and Cuse especially if Onuaku is out. Those two teams really don’t have the blow-by type guards that have plagued us recently.

    Also, Sienna is

  • dick commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 43 minutes ago

    why the hell is it rumored that Miami leads for him?

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • dick commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 43 minutes ago

    I wonder why the hell is it rumored that Miami leads for him. I guess their name still resonates in places like Milwood.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 58 minutes ago

    I wish Miami would return to power and circle off south Florida and keep those guys away from UF.

    As I hope to layout some time in the near future, I think it’s much more likely that Florida State becomes the program that really challenges UF in in-state recruiting. They already beat UF on

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 58 minutes ago

    I wish Miami would return to power and circle off south Florida and keep those guys away from UF.

    As I hope to lay some time in the near future, I think it’s much more likely that Florida State becomes the program that really challenges UF in in-state recruiting. They already beat UF on

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • bigdukesix commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   7 hours, 58 minutes ago

    I wish Miami would return to power and circle off south Florida and keep those guys away from UF.

    As I hope to lay some time in the near future, I think it’s much more likely that Florida State becomes the program that really challenges UF in in-state recruiting. They already beat UF on

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • dick commented on the blog post Class of 2010 News : Latwan Anderson to Miami   8 hours, 23 minutes ago

    Latwan was committed to WVU most of the year I believe.

    I wonder if this could affect the Turner situation somehow. Hopefully he recognizes the downward spiral in Coral Gables.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • Nickel Rover wrote a new blog post: Damion…prepare for glory   8 hours, 50 minutes ago

    Basketball:

    The Baylor game pretty well sapped me of any hope of this bunch beating a legitimately good team. They’re gonna go down like Leonidas vs. a hail of 3 pointers.

    For much of the season Texas was ahead in the Ken Pomeroy efficiency ratings based on their defense. Now we’ve seen that defense crumble and the