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Greg Davis Interviews With SMU AD Orsini

Posted by Scipio Tex on November 26th, 2007 under Football

AD: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Coach Davis. I’m excited to find out if you and the Southern Methodist family are a mutual fit.

GD: (nods briskly) That’s why we’re here.

AD: Shall we get down to brass tacks then?

GD: I’m ready.

AD: Well, obviously, I’m familiar with your background. You’ve had quite a run at Texas…

GD: (beams)

AD: and I just have a few questions before we can talk contract particulars…

GD: I took the liberty of preparing some index cards with interview questions for you to ask me. You’ll find them here, typed neatly. They’re quite good!

AD: Uh, I’m at a bit of a loss, Coach Davis.

GD: (beams)

AD: But I think I’ll use my own questions, thank you.

GD: (frowns) Oh? I did not prepare for that. I did several mock interviews with Akina this Spring and he always accepted the index cards and read the questions in order. I was very effective.

AD: If it’s all the same to you, I’ll ask my own questions that I’ve created specifically for you.

GD: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk.

AD: Excuse me!?

GD: Go on. My bad.

AD: Let’s start with your history right here in Dallas. I know the Texas/OU game was a bit of challenge for you – you had some highs and some lows. What did you learn from that experience?

GD: (clears his throat, begins to sweat) Uh, I dunno. Shit happens, I guess. OU really can’t be trusted to align themselves defensively in an honorable way, sneaky outfit there in Norman…gaaa! Gaaaa. GAAA!

AD: Are you OK?

GD: I’m flummoxed. I read all of your press conference transcripts, I studied DVR of you, I read a book called “Fifty Most Common Interview Questions.” That question wasn’t in it. Are any of your questions from that book?

AD: No.

GD: Your loss. I had some really clever ways of providing weaknesses that are actually strengths.

AD: Like Tim Nunez?

GD: Well, that was just mean.

AD: Sorry.

GD: And the way you’re dressed…

AD: The chinos and SMU golf shirt? I thought it would be nice to conduct this interview a bit more informally.

GD: I did not prepare for that. It’s not your tendency. You’ve only worn that golf shirt 11% of the time this year. Now, for the duration of this interview, you’re going to wear it almost 100% of the time? I mean, c’mon.

AD: (speechless)

GD: Unless you rip your shirt off.

AD: Why would I do that?

GD: Well, you’ve already done all sorts of other unpredictable shit that I can’t fathom, so why not that?

AD: (sighs)

GD: Well, fuuuucccck, dude. I just…feel off of my game now.

AD: Would you like a time out to collect your thoughts?

GD: No, I won’t be able to alter my gameplan with just a timeout. How about we flounder for a little longer? I’m going to try some things.

AD: Fine, let’s see if…Coach Davis, what on earth are you doing?

GD: Hmmm…nothing.

AD: Yes, you are! You’re sliding your chair across the floor sideways.

GD: (triumphantly) HORIZONTALLY!

AD: Yes, horizontally. Why, may I ask?

GD: You’d expect a straightforward vertical answer. I’m creating balance.

AD: And that is supposed to get you somewhere?

GD: …

AD: I said, is that supposed to get you somewhere?

GD: (whispers) Horizontalism is its own reward.

AD: This interview is going badly, Coach.

GD: I’ll withstand your surge. Once that’s over, you’re ass is grass and I’m a Poulan weedeater.

AD: (rubs his temples) I’d kill to go to that shitty bowl.

GD: This office smells like maple and soy sauce…I was expecting sunny laundry Renuzits. Deceptive.

AD: Not my intent.

GD: Mmmm. That’s debatable. You’re as slippery as a Stoops brother. Look, I’ll freely admit that I may not have nailed this interview.

AD: You don’t say.

GD: I’d like you to take the results of this interview and average it with the interviews I did last week for assistant cashier at Arbys (produces crisp documents) and in the week previous for a telemarketing gig with Orkin. I think you’ll find that I performed quite nicely indeed.

AD: Absurd. An imbecile could nail those interviews. It has no bearing on…

GD: Average it in, goddamn you. It’s how it’s done.

AD: An irrelevant benchmark of performance.

GD: YOU ARE A BENCHMARK!!! OF SOMEONE’S FARTING PERFORMANCE…of someone’s fart…someone sitting on a bench!!!! You’re the mark that it leaves…on that bench. You benchfart.

AD: This is just sad. Coach Davis, I think this interview is over.

GD: Whatever. Stay gold, Pony Boy.

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37 Responses

  1. Awesome work.

  2. Benchfart. Classic. Now I know what to yell at when it takes us 3 1/2 quarters to figure out that the zone read is good for Jamaal Charles.

  3. longhornmatt said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 2:02 am

    Best work I have seen from this nice. Great job.

  4. Very nice.

  5. Another classic.

  6. Mockingbird said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 7:00 am

    Excellent

    I picture Davis wearing slacks with an elastic waste band.

  7. Ever see Idiocracy?

  8. You forget the part where he askes him to validate his parking.

  9. you forgot to mention that his #1 reference is Vince Young.

  10. “and I just have a few questions before we can talk contract particulars”

    That’s the best part. It was pretty much a done deal. :)

  11. He may not have aced the interview, but he may yet get the job. I think they’ll be dazzled by the play that he sketched out while waiting in the lobby.

    http://www.deadgiveaway.com/PonyUpFlare.jpg

  12. “(whispers)Horizontalism is its own reward.

    If we could have signatures, I think this would be mine.

  13. Freakin’ hilarious.

  14. I’m glad he balmed the interview.

    Davis is one of the top three offensive coordinaters in college football.

    The problems have always been on defense. Mack should fire Akina and promote McDuff to DC.

  15. Mockingbird, just what the hell is wrong with an elastic waistband?

  16. You are the fake echeese

  17. real echeese said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 9:14 am

    You two are both fakes.

  18. Elastic Waste Band said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 9:14 am

    Belongs on a trash can

  19. The REAL real echeese said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 9:15 am

    No I am.

  20. why don’t we just pay SMU to hire him?

  21. I think the echeese thing has about run its course.

  22. This is what it sounds like, when the doves laugh themselves to death

  23. Mockingbird said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 9:47 am

    Can’t wear a belt with a diamond studded buckle of a mini 45 caliber.

  24. SizzleChest said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    Chan Gailey has no chance.

  25. Haha, pretty good stuff.

  26. Scipio,

    FYI, your entire interview has been posted on the Scout Inside Texas board, without a link or any mention of Barking Carnival. Many of the words have apparently been censored by their software.

  27. Poor netiquette, to say the least. Not attributing work is very weak.

    I shall contact my barristers forthwith.

  28. I think the IT mods are too busy silencing the remaining realists to pay much attention to copyright violations.

  29. Gary Pinkel said:

    November 27th, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    I guess they will stop it once people start posting the IT stuff over here. Seems like they have more to lose than the BC guys do.

  30. “I think the IT mods are too busy silencing the remaining realists to pay much attention to copyright violations.”

    Are you kidding? IT is a pretty damn realist outfit. Mack Brown hates Clendon Ross. Clendon’s latest column is entitled “Heads Must Roll.” Hell, they employ TexasFootball over there.

  31. Mr. Know it All said:

    November 28th, 2007 at 6:43 am

    What is a barrister?

  32. The thing that keeps one from falling off the side of the stairs. Scipio’s balance is really bad.

  33. “Are you kidding? IT is a pretty damn realist outfit. Mack Brown hates Clendon Ross. Clendon’s latest column is entitled “Heads Must Roll.” Hell, they employ TexasFootball over there.”

    er, no, I’m not kidding. They might not be blinded about mack, but any fool can see that moderation caters to whiny milquetoasts who cry in their hankies over the sort of frank realist talk Scipio and others here enjoy. It’s turning into another fukkin tea party over there, losing more of its balls every week.

  34. Mr. Know it All said:

    November 28th, 2007 at 9:54 am

    That is a bannister

  35. (His Real Name Is Santos) said:

    November 29th, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    no, that’s the people who work at starbucks.

  36. no, that’s the people who work at starbucks.

    I thought those guys are called “Sandinistas.”

  37. Bert Hancock said:

    November 30th, 2007 at 10:06 pm

    GD: I’d like you to take the results of this interview and average it with the interviews I did last week for assistant cashier at Arbys (produces crisp documents) and in the week previous for a telemarketing gig with Orkin. I think you’ll find that I performed quite nicely indeed

    –LOL, and perfect reminder of those always defending the O’ due to the annual numbers. You can put up 66 vs Ark-St (oops) and 10 vs OU and still avg nearly 40 between the two.

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