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Why Would I Opine on Michael Vick?

Posted by Chooky on August 29th, 2007 under Football, Uncategorized


Breaking News, Man.

Michael Vick’s abrupt descent from a happy-go-lucky endorsement star with herpes and a peculiar nickname to President of Bad Newz Kennels has been so overwhelming that nobody would be dumb enough to even try to make fun of it at this juncture. You’d think an Attorney General’s suspicious retirement so close in proximity of the Deputy Chief of Staff would be enough to wipe this ghoulish state of affairs from the headlines. Oh to Hell with it, we invented the term “multi-tasking” damn it, you better believe we’ll apply it to something when it comes along.

It’s hard not to be enthralled with the spiral of shame and antipathy that is urgently portrayed as emulous of Pol Pot. Fastening in for an eighteen month ride in the federal honky tonk and losing about $130 million might seem as inviting as a banquet buffet compared to the ire of all humanity. Michael Vick’s diversionary savior and transition to tranquility might come in the form of a frisky senator searching for the exultation of antiquity-style, Greek recruitment of rigid splendor in a dank bathroom stall.

I don’t have the statistics, but I’d wager that incumbents who are exposed as possible Erasure fans don’t stand a chance at reelection in Idaho. Is he guilty of hypocrisy? Sure. Would he throw a pile of half conscious dogs in a freshly dug hole? Not if the mangy bastards wanted to get married in there.

That’ll be enough “multi-tasking” for one day.

The hysteria over the trashiness of Vick is enigmatic. The loss of his money, career and dignity won’t be enough for some punishment zealots. People will soon be bitching about his sentence in comparison to the woman who dropped hammer on her preacher husband. The NAACP will defend him with absolutes. It’s just foul enough to inspire positive outcomes in other areas. P.E.T.A. will lock arms with drunken skinheads to oppose him. Undercover cops will play erotic foot games with stoic senators. People will pensively admire the profundity of photographs and paintings of a black hand embracing a white hand.

Michael Vick is now a mid-term, open book test for people who study to be publicists, as if anyone would ever do such a repugnant thing. From this moment the standard concordant with all clients will be a practiced proclamation that if they harvest an underground gambling ring, fight dogs, engage in racketeering or profit from a dog ripping the flesh from another dog that they do not wend with associates by the names of P-Funk and Q. For individuals named P-Funk, or any variation of, are almost always a poor endeavor.

Any half-assed publicist would know that only two textbook p.r. hopefuls will apply to Michael Vick. If a fruity senator isn’t going to cut it then you need to pray for the Cosmic Diversion. This is when molecules, remedial math, science and other shit combines to produce a cloud that spells out Git-R-Dun when viewed at just the right angle.

The zenith of all diversions would be a Slurpee-brained, pill ridden super model courteous enough to die but just smart enough to reproduce. This shiny object will captivate your critics. If you can land that jewel you can go to federal prison in peace.

Vick’s reputation is certainly sullied with the dreadful abundance of bloodied, dead dog carcasses and such. Personally I think he should fight it. Who is going to accept P-Funk and Q as experts in bloody, dead dog carcasses? Also, if Mike were to throw a dead dog into a shallow hole or a pool or against the concrete, statistics are readily available that he’d only be able to hit such targets 52% of the time. If Mike’s signature was on this heinous crime then there would be many more squirming, half-dead dogs errantly strewn across the residence.

The only virtuous result of this tragedy is that Marcus will finally be legitimized as the rational one.
excuse me, sir

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7 Responses

  1. HenryJames said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 4:50 am

    Vick should have dressed the dogs up like Mexican wrestlers before fighting them.

  2. Huckleberry said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 5:50 am

    Dammit, Chooky. You messed up the italics tag. I don’t think you ever closed it.

    Fool.

  3. Chooky said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 5:59 am

    I broke the Barking Carnival.

  4. Doperbo said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 7:47 am

    Okay that accuracy bit was out of line. And very funny.

    If I’m Vick’s PR guy I’m cutting my losses short term and thinking long, 2012 maybe. Popular opinion will soften just enough to navigate the tricky shoals of a television comeback. Our pitch is a reality show, working title: The Two Vicks, it will be just like The Two Corey’s, with less whining and no berets. Mike and Marcus will get jobs at a Petco, live in a house with 6 strangers (we’ll mix 3 O.G.s and 3 NOW members for dramatic tension), and at the end of 6 months they have to perform the entire Slippery When Wet album live before a studio audience. Acoustic.

  5. Uncle Teardrop said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 8:49 am

    The American public can tolerate a certain amount of waving under the stall as long as your completion rate is not 52 percent. By the way, what’s Aikman up to nowadays?

  6. Ghost of Pitbull said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 7:05 pm

    The most satisfying part is the look on their face when they know they’re f*cked. We’ve all seen that on Vick now so the the healing can begin.

    In all my time, O.J. is the one person I know that America has never forgiven… ultimately because he’s never had to publicly acknowledge the time he made lewd gestures to an undercover cop in the next stall with his bloody Bruno Magli shoes.

    Expect to see an NFL Vick in 2009-2010.

  7. mileslong said:

    September 13th, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    i find it ironic that a blog about michael vick and his mistreatment of dogs in on a site called the “barking carnival” and i also find it ironic that the only really solid portrayal we’ve seen of captain marvel lately was in alex ross and jim kruegers JUSTICE series…

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  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   47 minutes ago

    Nordberg,

    Ironic indeed……teachable moment, I guess….

    NY Horn,

    I hope your drunk, because Izzo ain’t coming to Texas……Why don’t we just get Coach K. I mean Coach G came from Duke, they have to be dying to get out of Durham….

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   51 minutes ago

    Egg, that’s fine, but at what point do you blame Barnes? Seriously, man. You’ve thrown players under the bus left and right, but at a certain point, doesn’t the buck stop somewhere. I know you’re more of an NBA guy so it begins and ends with players there, but we need fucking

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   51 minutes ago

    Egg, that’s fine, but at what point do you blame Barnes? Seriously, man. You’ve thrown players under the bus left and right, but at a certain point, doesn’t the buck stop somewhere. I know you’re more of an NBA guy so it begins and ends with players there, but we need fucking

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   52 minutes ago

    Trips,

    I hear ya. I’m frustrated as well. I guess I just don’t prescribe to such a black and white characterization of the situation. I do know that no matter what happened in the huddle, JCB made a dumb play. If Rick didn’t explain or remind him of the situation, then I

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour ago

    Pat, know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as a fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit that’s

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour ago

    Pat, you know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as a fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour ago

    Pat, you know I don’t, but I’ve had coaches draw up plays to free up the best foul shooter and then tell that guy they’d put their foot up his ass if they passed the ball. It’s funny, but as fans of football we nitpick blitz pickup and shit like that. Shit that’s

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 3 minutes ago

    Shitty season…..Rick needs to hire some offensive help and someone needs to say it to him. Deloss?

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 5 minutes ago

    Trips,

    Do you know that he didn’t? JCB has made bad decision all season, why would this be any different. Barnes coached a shitastic game, but on the teams I was the best FT shooter, I never game up the ball unless it was an uncontested layup…..It’s not hard and it doesn’t take a

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 5 minutes ago

    mcpayne, yes, you don’t leave that shit to chance. You don’t let your guys break the huddle or dead ball not knowing precisely what’s expected from them. Barnes doesn’t get 2 mil for coaching PE where he’s hoping the right guy gets fouled.

  • uthookem commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 7 minutes ago

    mpayne, I’d agree with you if J’Covan had been playing all season and had been in situations to make that decision. Like, you know, against Baylor, when he played all of 3 fucking minutes thanks to rick.

    So yes, it is rick’s fault.

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    With 15 seconds left, out of a dead ball, most coaches would make it perfectly clear who they wanted to be fouled.

  • uthookem commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 10 minutes ago

    Stupid decisions by Brown are one of the reasons he sat on the bench for most of the season…lack of coaching maybe, or just a lack of basketball IQ?

    Oh well, if Brown doesn’t go off in the 2nd half, we aren’t even playing in OT. Too bad he didn’t get much of a chance

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 11 minutes ago

    Pat, if you were making 2 million a year, would you leave that up to chance?

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 11 minutes ago

    Actually, if your a PG and the best FT shooter on the team and played basketball your entire life, you’d pretty much know not to give up the ball if you had any brains…..Such a dumb play…..

  • D W commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    Oh, and a stupid decision by Brown in giving up the ball to Johnson.

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    Be nice if we’d coached our 90 percent foul shooter not to give the ball up.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    Ransom,

    1 for 2, that was not shitty defense……

  • Mister Mike commented on the blog post State of the Union – NU Basketball, Part 1 (or Why We Are Where We Are)   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    Well if you had read it all the way, you would’ve noticed this little tidbit:

    In the second part I’ll do my best to give an outline of what exactly is wrong with the program, what we can do to fix it, and then what will probably happen TO fix it.

    So to answer your question:

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • uthookem commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    The line kills us, as it should have.

    Fuck Rick Barnes, as this was the worst coaching I have seen in all my years of watching UT sports.

    This saved us from Kentucky, but I feel bad for Damo, he was a hell of a Longhorn.

    Hook ‘em!

    And FUCK RICK BARNES!

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    Feel bad for Damion…..Dexter and Mason, not so much….

  • D W commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 13 minutes ago

    So the season ends with missed free throws and shitty defense by Bradley. Pretty fitting.

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 14 minutes ago

    Yup……We knew that FTs would get us….

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 15 minutes ago

    F’n Gary’s been awful tonight….

  • uthookem commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 15 minutes ago

    GJ at the line…big heart needed!

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 16 minutes ago

    Why does Brown give it up there?

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 16 minutes ago

    Bilas explaining why we’re not a smart team…Oh good, I want Gary at the line…

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    The good news is that now I know to fill out the census, so i’m not going to jail…not for that anyway.

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 17 minutes ago

    Holy shit

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest Open thread   1 hour, 18 minutes ago

    F’n A…..WTF….