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Marques Slocum: Michigan Football Intellectual, ventures Inside The Actor’s Studio

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 24th, 2007 under Football

Reporter
Go Blue.

First, Jim Harbaugh was right. Let’s see your facebook, Mike Hart.

Second, you must read this amazing arcania unearthed by the guys at EDSBS Marques Slocum & His F*ck Lion that they acquired from Michigan football player Marques Slocum’s facebook.
Now that Marques Slocum has conquered facebook, he now faces the famous Proustian questionnaire devised by Bernard Pivot and utilized by James Lipton, host of Bravo’s Inside The Actor’s Studio, to conclude every one of his interviews. Marques?

Marques, what is your favorite word?

rockwyla, ez credick, hell 2 dat vicar val ant

What is your least favorite word?

po-lice, wot is u? lol

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?

creativenosity? da geto boyz, da mothafuckin real

spiritualness? ripple or col’ fortify! naw baby jesus

emotionalz? big marques all up in dem bitches

What turns you off?

questionz- now git a nigga sum milk and cookies! 4 real itz when certain persons won 2 test me an try 2 talk dis and dat, step 2 me, run dey jibba jaw, don be dat person

What sound or noise do you love?

my fortz

What sound or noise do you hate?

soun’ of cat – i thank do he bite?

What is your favorite curse word?

i woot say…………………voodoo

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

rock dem pitz, fuck halle all nite, pimp fuck lion

What profession would you not like to attempt?

axe questionz, thank & read all day…tho nigga got 2 eat?

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

if heaven zist! If hev zist!? my aunty name PEARLY she da realest ho up in da plannit but she called slocum, not gates so wot da fuck u say bout gates, she wit microsoff! i thank god say “s’up marques here iz hot bitch 4 u, git up innit,” im all ai’ght

Thank you for joining us Marques. We are all in awe of Michigan’s alternate degree programs

For those of you from the Midwest or the Dallas suburbs, I have a translation below:

1. I have three favorite words actually: rottweiler, easy credit, Hail To The Victor Valiant

2. The constabulary. Tell me, are you a member of law enforcement? I jest.

3. Creatively, I’m inspired by the inner city Houston artists, The Ghetto Boys. Extraordinary performers. Spirits? Why, I enjoy wine and malted liquor. No, I’m being rather glib, I live for Christ, my savior. Emotionally, I’m inspired by making gentle love to a beautiful woman.

4. Your question turns me off, frankly. I am famished, perhaps a light repast? No, I shall address your interrogative: I dislike the persistent negativity of vociferous critics. I implore you: don’t be those fellows.

5. Passing wind.

6. The sound of a feline in anguish. Would the beast visit its torments upon me?

7. Technically, voodoo is a “curse word.” How droll.

8. I would raise purebred dogs, be a companion to Halle Berry, or initiate a Big Cat breeding conservation program.

9. The life of a public intellectual would try me. That said, one must provide, mustn’t one?

10. If Heavens exists? Oh dear Lipton, of course it does! My beloved Aunt Pearly is an extraordinary woman, but her last name is Slocum, not Gates. Are you suggesting that she is married to Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft? Enough of my quippery, I’ll answer your question: I believe God would welcome me warmly and offer me the love of a wonderful companion. It would suffice.

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26 Responses

  1. ChrisApplewhite said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:27 pm

    Wur da wite wimin at!?

  2. Scipio Tex said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:31 pm

    text me up, holla.

  3. Vasherized said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 6:42 am

    RC Slocum has a lot of secrets.

  4. SizzleChest said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 7:57 am

    nigga, pleaz.

  5. Will said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    Not funny at all. Came across like a white boy trying to talk with an over exaggerated black urban dialect. Poor job at it. Marques used poor judgement, but his wit and creativity you can’t touch.

  6. Scipio Tex said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 6:00 pm

    Yes, the first thing that struck me was Marques’ amazing wit and creativity.

  7. Will said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    Unfortuately over the years, the African American community has had a in house fight with many of its most creative personalities due to the impact of white stereotyping. Personalities such as Stepin Fetchit, Stymie, Bojangles,Ricard Pryor,and Jimmy Walker all at some time in their careers felt the wrath of such groups like the NAACP due the issue of their creative characters.

    Where Blacks and open minded whites so funny, witty, and insightful creative characters such as Pryor’s Mudbone, others saw negative stereotypes that where used to define blacks and belittle their role in society.

    The same is being done now with Marques who clearly created a character using edgy urban dialect with text message form to enhance the humor. And those who are honest or at least understand, can see his cleaver delivery for what some would say are silly questions.

    Today, personalities such as Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Little John, Flav Flav, and even Will Smith continue the tradition of creating black urban comedic characters of many forms.

    Kids like Marques , who are heavely influenced by the rap culture and hardcore black comedians must take into consideration their stations in life. Currently as a student-athlete for the University of Michigan he must realize what he now represents and who is watching. Because most are not (Facebook) friends, but moreso people looking to belittle him and the African American student athlete.

  8. Vasherized said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 9:02 pm

    How do you say speechless in Ebonics?

  9. Facebook User said:

    August 26th, 2007 at 8:46 am

    Um, Fuck Lion T Shirt anyone?

  10. turk 182 said:

    August 27th, 2007 at 10:21 am

    I remember when the African American community had a in house fight.
    The fight was over the meaning of this sentence:

    “Where Blacks and open minded whites so funny, witty, and insightful creative characters such as Pryor’s Mudbone, others saw negative stereotypes that where used to define blacks and belittle their role in society.”

    oh…now I get it. Gotcha.

  11. Will said:

    August 27th, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    Yes, two typos so (saw), where (were), but unfortunately for me, this site has no edit mode. But your response is what I expected. An attempt to belittle the statement by finding error in typing as oppose to adding anything of substance to support of refute the statement. Pure childs play.

  12. Will said:

    August 27th, 2007 at 1:09 pm

    And yes, I added another typo for you, so lets play a game as children do. Can you find it?

  13. turk 182 said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 7:11 am

    stumped.

  14. Sheldon Plankton said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 7:28 am

    Creative, but tasteless. Sorry, I totally agree with Will.

  15. Minnesotahorn said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 10:02 am

    Will, Sheldon,

    Is it okay for me to laugh at Scipio’s posts as long as I feel the appropriate amount of white guilt afterwards?

    Signed,
    Apprehensive in Austin

  16. Minnesotahorn said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    Would you fuckers buy an edit function already?

  17. Scipio Tex said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 2:01 pm

    I watched Roots three times after writing this.

  18. Doperbo said:

    August 29th, 2007 at 5:01 pm

    I like the fact that you can’t edit comments. It’s dangerous. Permanent. Edgy. If HenryJames posts drunk at some point you’ll see the value.

    BTW- I would like to point out that I, too, suffer for the persecution of young Mr. Slocum, and generally agree that Scipio is spiteful and wicked. It’s obvious Marques is merely portraying a caricature, one cruelly forced on him by our own uncaring society. Sure, he called his mom a bitch, discussed the virtues of infidelity, threated physical violence twice to an anonymous facebook questionnaire writer, and openly flaunts state laws governing private breeding and ownership of Class 1 exotic animals; but look deeper people. Peel back the layers.

    Don’t we all have a bit of Marques trapped inside us, deep down? A raw youthful exuberance, unfettered by morality or rules of grammar? Haven’t we all, drearily moored in our staid, comfortable existence, daydreamed of ghostriding the whip, just once? Who hasn’t thought to themselves, when confronted with a particularly thorny dilemma, “one bitch, many faces…”?

    I know Scipio has. Scipio Africanus, publically struggling with his inner O.G. as we speak.

  19. turk 182 said:

    August 30th, 2007 at 7:59 am

    I haven’t had the Marques de classy trapped inside of me since a bad night on ripple. It seems a frisky and optimistic start of the evening at the local Applebee’s always ends in disaster.

  20. Mack Tripper said:

    October 11th, 2007 at 10:12 am

    fuck disney

  21. Hookah Horns said:

    October 11th, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    BTW- I would like to point out that I, too, suffer for the persecution of young Mr. Slocum, and generally agree that Scipio is spiteful and wicked. It’s obvious Marques is merely portraying a caricature, one cruelly forced on him by our own uncaring society. Sure, he called his mom a bitch, discussed the virtues of infidelity, threated physical violence twice to an anonymous facebook questionnaire writer, and openly flaunts state laws governing private breeding and ownership of Class 1 exotic animals; but look deeper people. Peel back the layers.
    ———
    Oh, man. I am rolling.

  22. Redfoot said:

    November 8th, 2007 at 9:48 am

    Reading this never gets old.

  23. a Caucasian-American male youth said:

    December 9th, 2007 at 5:38 pm

    Wow, I’m a little confused… is this Will character saying that it’s OK for black youths to be influenced by a culture of gangs, violence, pimps, and hoes? Personally, I think this culture is a problem that we should try to eliminate. How can anyone think the current culture is a good thing?

  24. Skynerd Rulz said:

    December 10th, 2007 at 10:31 am

    “BTW- I would like to point out that I, too, suffer for the persecution of young Mr. Slocum, and generally agree that Scipio is spiteful and wicked. It’s obvious Marques is merely portraying a caricature, one cruelly forced on him by our own uncaring society.”

    No doubt! Marques is actually performing a very elaborate satire/social commentary. It’s amazing to see all you libs eat it up.

  25. Redfoot said:

    October 16th, 2008 at 9:14 am

    The Fuck Lion tag reminded me of this.
    I’m glad I reread it.

  26. Capt. Insano said:

    January 1st, 2009 at 7:14 am

    “Would you fuckers buy an edit function already?”

    Best response I’ve ever seen on this blog!!!!

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