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Barking Carnival’s Kansas Football State of the Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 23rd, 2007 under Football

Kansas Football has been electric of late. Electric. The kind of electricity you get from rubbing flannel pajamas together when you’re jumping on a nylon trampoline. Touch a car door? You want no part of that. That’s Jayhawk football flannel pajama electricity. Just like NaNa used to make.

Last year was a record breaking one as the Jayhawks averaged 44,000 per game with a high of 51,000+ against KSU. Never mind that these are numbers comparable to a decent 5A state championship game or half of an Alabama spring game. This represents real progress in the dismal football wasteland of the Big 12 North. No longer do herons nest in the end zone, and they’ve forbidden students from laying on the field to catch sun (during the game). Memorial Stadium, once used primarily for light dinner theater, has become a football venue! A raucous festival of fun worthy of a top flight MAC school. You’d swear that John Riggins and Gale Sayers were lining up in the KU backfield. The fact that the SID department has been advertising the games as “outdoor grass basketball scrimmages in pads” is besides the point. The Jayhawk faithful stayed for the football product and enjoyed it, though they kept booing Jon Cornish for travelling every time he broke a long run. A confused Cornish, wanting to please, twice lost scoring opportunities by shooting fadeaways over the goalpost.

Speaking of Mizzou, they and Kansas share a fierce rivalry. Although Texas has an overabundance of bitter rivals, none of these rivalries were born out of militant abolitionists stealing into a rival territory and murdering, looting, pillaging, raping, and then teabagging the Missourian’s favorite butter churn and best pairs of slave chains. The Jayhawks, as they were called, did this because the Missourians were slavers, but I suspect fun played a prominent role as well. In the 1850’s, murdering someone was more of a prank, like stealing a mascot. It was how you announced yourself. The Missourians responded in kind and to this day, it’s customary for any Kansan crossing over into the Missouri part of Kansas City to be thoroughly gang raped. Some Kansas fans make of a point of driving across, ten, fifteen times a day.

The offense will be led by another lilliputian Texas product: QB Todd Reesing. Undersized Texas system QBs are catnip to Big 12 North coaches and Reesing is the size of a kitten. Mangino actually recruited Reesing utilizing darting movements with yarn. Reesing is listed at 5 foot 10 inches, but he was measured sitting in Chase Daniel’s lap while astride his war pony. Reesing can throw the rock and he’s mobile, but it’s fairly surprising that he beat out Kerry Meier. Not that anyone really cares except Reesing and Meier’s parents, and perhaps, their neighbors, the Moschwitzes and Jenkins, with whom young Kerry had a paper route.

The replacement for Jon Cornish will be Jake Sharp, who probably gets laid off of his name alone. His brother is named Lance Daggerblade.

The Kansas OL was decent last year, revealing Mangino’s background in this area. They’re not very talented, but there’s a consistency of effort and they run nice schemes. Both tackles return and center Sasha Kaun, though a bit of a disappointment, showed some improvement in the offseason.

The Kansas WR’s are big and physical. Unfortunately, they run as adeptly as a man shaking dogshit off of his shoe while trying to catch a train. These guys are slower than evolution, which only operates outside the borders of Kansas anyway. TE Derek Fine picked a terrible year to be a very good returning TE as he is completely obscured by the studs at Texas, A&M, & Mizzou. It’s tough being Jessica Simpson’s sister.

Brandon Rush really needs to be more assertive.

The Kansas defensive backfield features a potential early round NFL draft pick in CB Aqib Talib, who had six interceptions last year. Interestingly, the Kansas pass defense gave up 22 TDs and 269 yards per game, ranking them as one of the worst in the NCAA. This suggests that the other returning starters are very late potential NFL draft picks. If Talib is a stud and they gave up those sorts of numbers, it stands to reason that the remaining starters have the mobility of parking meters. I’m shocked they’re able to put on their Capri pants without tripping over.

Given this realization, Mangino will start Talib at one CB spot, a trained badger on a Big Wheel at FS, a flock of geese at the other CB spot, and Tang Bachuyie at SS. Tang isn’t very fast, but he mixes well and stores easily. Tang is an abbreviation for his full name: Sir Poontang Eddington Bachuyie IV; his father was inspired by the song “A Boy Named Sue.” The name did appear to toughen Tang up a bit, so good one there, Pops. Mangino’s primary issue in the secondary is in preventing the badger from riding through the geese. He just seems to likes the feeling of scattering them. What’s it supposed to do? Not ride a Big Wheel through the geese? It’s a badger. C’mon, Mangino. This is folly. You’ll never get the badger to respect those geese. Bench the badger and dig a tiger pit. You can give the Big Wheel to Tang.

The KU front 7 is undersized and quick – like Emmanuel Lewis. James McClinton is a small DT stud who operates with better leverage than Gordon Gekko. The OLBs are small whippets and well-suited to the Big 12 passing game, but I question what will happen when a team runs right at them. They’ll probably fake non-specific injuries. The MLB anchor is Joe Mortensen, who is a decent player.

I want it reflected on the record that I’ve written several solid paragraphs without a single Mark Mangino is fat reference. I’m trying to make it a couple more. It’s hard. Really freaking tough. I feel like I’m ten minutes away from my house after eating a chili burger and a turtle head just poked out. Please Lord, let me make it. I pray to you sweet Jesus. Oh, I need this one, Man Upstairs. Just drive. Drive, drive, drive. Not paying attention to it. Going to make it. Need to concentrate. Belt feels so tight. Go ‘way, turtle! Go ‘way!

Kansas has learned a great deal from Bill Snyder and their yokel cousins in the world of scheduling. The out of conference slate includes C Michigan, SE Louisiana, Toledo, and FIU. Disgraceful. The fact that they lost to Toledo last year is more tragic than what’s happening in Darfur. Their Big 12 slate is favorable as well. This is potentially a very poor team that could go 7-5 and win a spot in the Jerry Lewis Telethon Bowl. They could be 6-0 before the bottom drops out. Mind numbing.

Mark Mangino is 25-34 as a head coach and I think his efforts have been commendable given the talent base he has to work with in Kansas, where, apparently, they play a lot of flag football. Every Jayhawk player of note seems to be from Texas, yet I’d never heard of any of them except for Reesing, and that’s only because I Google searched “angry Kansas midget sex” once. Don’t ask.

Mark Mangino is said to be a really good guy. I’ve heard this again and again from people I respect. Mangino is…Mangino is…also..well…fat. Fat! There, I said it. I thought I could make it longer, but I can’t. He’s a very large person – at least three Sopranos cast members rolled up up into one. Last week, one of his moons hit an assistant coach. He sweats Ragu and urinates stuffing. If you put a piece of popcorn in your hand behind your back, Mangino can always paw the appropriate one. If you were stranded in a blizzard, you could cut him open like a Tonton and lay inside. Children could use his taint as a trampoline. He has a hamster feed tube full of bacon grease hanging over his bed. When he stands on a scale, the weight says “Quebec.”

Phew. I feel a lot better. I made it after all. Now if we can just get Mangino to nightstick Dan Hawkins. We’re counting on you, Big Boss Man.

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40 Responses

  1. HenryJames said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    Aqib Talib is the reason the NCAA outlawed Arabian goggles this year.

  2. Nordicnomad said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:35 pm

    Well played sir.

    Thankfully it’s looking like the badger on a big wheel will only be called on in obvious passing situations.

    I also think you’d be surprised at just how big Angry Kansas Midget Sex is around these parts. It’s right up their with hoola-hoop and those crazy sprinklers that sway back and forth.

  3. MU Tiger 91 said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:41 pm

    Arabian goggles? What’s next? Arabian horses? Good thing Bucephalus is Greek. Chase Daniel has a hard enough time with the little blue Smurf on his lap on a 2300 year old horse. Imagine if he had to carry the little bugger on foot.

    On the fact front:
    - You talked about KSU’s front 7. KU has enough problems of their own without bringing Ron Prince and his boys on board.
    - KU played MU in Columbia. If the attendance was only 51K, that’s sad sad sad.

  4. Scipio Tex said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:51 pm

    MU Tiger:

    Good to hear from you.

    1. McClinton, the skinny LBs, Mortensen etc are all Jayhawks.

    2. It was against KSU that they set the lofty attendance record. I corrected above. Thanks.

  5. MU Tiger 91 said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:57 pm

    You used the right names, you just referred to KU as KSU. It’s OK. They love that. :-)

  6. Scipio Tex said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 9:02 pm

    Jeez. I’m losing it.

  7. Nordicnomad said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 9:20 pm

    Don’t worry about it Scipio. If ESPN can do it at least once a year, why can’t you!

    What’s really bad is when the people announcing the games or the sideline reporters get the two schools mixed up.

  8. WB said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    Attendance in Columbia last year was 55,614. Having the game on the Saturday after Thanksgiving probably reduced the student attendance somewhat, especially since it was on TV. Just a thought.

  9. MrWyatt said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    A lot of people have forgotten about Mangino’s uncredited cameo appearance in ‘Seven’

  10. SizzleChest said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    Did you hear that Ginny Sack had a 95 pound mole removed from her ass?

  11. HenryJames said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 5:16 am

    How has Michelin not signed Mangino to an endorsement contract?

  12. Rivethead said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 5:31 am

    Ole “angry Kansas midget sex” Reesing is only angry because Cooter (aka Mack Brown) didn’t even give the kid a chance to say hello.

    I’m mean, the little midget set a gazillion Texas state high school records and all he wanted was a chance to walk on.

    But Cooter was too busy sittin’ in his Chairman of the Board chair at the UT Golf Course in Steiner Ranch to get in his limo and ride the 2.4 miles down 620 to Lake Travis HS and say hello.

    So when the angry midget plays the game of his life next year (and the year after) against Texas, you can thank Cooter. And even Freeman Johns won’t save you from him.

    Cause he’s Angry.

  13. C&B_To_The_Bone said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 5:40 am

    After reading the K-State SOTU, I am pleased that my beloved alma mater got off so light. Our coach is indeed PHAT, but I’ll take that over the “howler monkey” any day.

    One of the whippets that you mention is slated to be 6′3″, 255#, returning leading tackler, Mike Rivera. I too have questions as to what will happen when teams run right at him. Questions like: “How long will that RB be in traction after this carry?”.

  14. Steve Moser said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 6:31 am

    You’re not still upset about that 23-20 loss to Kansas are you?

  15. KjHawks33 said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 8:07 am

    Big props Scipio – nice work – worthy of multiple reads and still laughing ;)

  16. Brushpile Bill said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 8:47 am

    Scipio, very nice try on the Mangino weight reference. We were rooting for you (not really). Too bad you couldn’t pucker up when it counted.

  17. Jayhawk in Tex said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 8:56 am

    Its Brandon, not Jaron. Otherwise pretty accurate, though with as weak as the north is and the schedule the Hawks play, they are my pick to get smoked in San Antonio by the Sooners.

  18. KSU2COOL4U said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 9:44 am

    KU FANS R GAY!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. Vasherized said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 9:52 am

    Did I just read a Jayhawk fan predict his team to make the Big 12 Championship game in Football?

    Let’s start with a winning record in conference play, hmmm? I can probably guess your ATM pin: 3-5-3-5. Because that’s your conference record for three out of the last five years — there are those numbers again!

    Why not just write yourself into the BCS Championship Game in NOLA while you’re at it? Go Big! Just visualize Sasha Kaun dancing to Chaka Khan.

  20. turk 182 said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 10:17 am

    So sad to see the scales registering Quebec when they were showing a high school-esque Ivory Coast not long ago…

  21. Jayhawk in Tex said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 10:27 am

    Well look at it this way.
    Central Michigan at home (most difficult non-con)
    SE Louisiana at home
    Toledo at home
    Florida int at home
    bye
    K-State if they still have enough players on their team will be coming off a beatdown at Texas
    Baylor at home
    @ Colorado
    At this point we are likely 7-0
    @ aTm
    Nebraska at home, we wailed on them last time here and took them to OT in lincoln last year
    9-0 or 8-1 is possible at this point
    @OSU Probably 9-1 or 8-2 after that loss
    ISU at home, could be 10-1 or 9-2
    @ misery for a final record of 10-2 or 9-3

    With NU playing the toughest schedule in the conference and Mizzou’s tendency to fold dramatically, that leaves us to get pounded in San Antonio.

  22. Coachgray8 said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 10:39 am

    10-2 or 9-3?
    I quote the famed lyricist Flav.

    WOW

  23. jhawker86 said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:01 am

    He can’t be optimistic? KState fans think they have a chance at Auburn….

  24. Sarge said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:12 am

    I was doing fine until I got to “turtle head poked out” and lost it.
    The squaks think THEY go to the Big12 Championship game? For real? Do they realize playing and beaiting Southeastern Northern MOntana College for the Very Nervous doesn’t count in Big 12 stabdings?

  25. Jayhawk in Tex said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:18 am

    have you seen the big 12 north? K-state has an offensive line that has a better chance of winning wimbeldon than stopping a pass rush and thats if they don’t all quit before the season starts. ISU is horrible, Colorado can’t get any talent now with the ban on strip clubs. That leaves Missouri who has to play aTm, TT and @ Oklahoma in the south and NU who has to go to Texas and Missouri. KU, while not a great team has a ridiculously easy schedule, a schedule that could win the north.

  26. Vasherized said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:28 am

    Jayhawk in Tex,

    That rundown was so convincing I just put $50K on the Squawks to run the table and go 15-0.

    That includes a BCS title along with mythical victories over Neb ‘95 and USC ‘04. You don’t want a piece of Texas ‘05 unless Mangino ate VY as a pre-game meal.

  27. KSUTOM said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 11:35 am

    Very nice, just wish KU had worked Texas as much as KSU has so you would have the same level of hatred.But hilarious none the less.

  28. I am McLovin' said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Brandon Rush needs to be more assertive!

  29. Jayhawk in Tex said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 12:25 pm

    Vasherized have you read anything I posted? I’m not saying KU is a great team, I’m not predicting 15-0 or big 12 championships. I’m saying KU plays easily the softest big 12 schedule and the rest of their division is composed of softball teams in disguise or teams with considerably more difficult schedules.

  30. KCFan1 said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    What, no mention back to when Mangiono was hired? The Beaker student newspaper had a picture of his daughter looking shocked and the headline “DAUGHTER EXCITED TO SEE DAD GET HEAD JOB” Quality J-school indeed.

  31. Vasherized said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    “A soft schedule makes for a hard landing…”
    - excerpt from Bill Snyder’s unpublished memoir “I Can Finally Let My Hair Down.”

  32. terry moores said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 11:08 am

    Jayhawk in Tex is funnier than Scipio. the spayedhawks will be lucky to be 2-2 after non-con

  33. Gus said:

    August 26th, 2007 at 4:23 am

    KU fans aren’t as defensive as usual in this forum. The ESPN piece that rated the softest schedules for Div 1 schools made some reference to KU having more cupcakes on their schedule than a bakery caused their fan base to have a collective hissy. Conf play will fix their clock.

  34. Truman's Dad said:

    August 27th, 2007 at 7:08 pm

    After Mangino’s last raise he’s up to the same price as KC Strip steak. $6.99 a pound.

  35. Longhorn_Steve said:

    August 28th, 2007 at 11:55 am

    “Children could use his taint as a trampoline.”

    shit my pants.

  36. John Glendening said:

    August 28th, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    KSUTOM, are you serious about KSU whipping texas? If you’re referring to last years fluke in mancrappin, please remember who smoked your mildcats the next weekend. If you’re team is so great then that makes KU #1 for running all over you with a sub par team.

  37. kevwun said:

    August 31st, 2007 at 10:43 am

    Maybe they try putting blinders on the badger like they do with horses so he can only look straight ahead?

  38. SizzleChest said:

    September 4th, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    I wonder how many AEDs they have on the sideline in case his overworked, dumpling-laden blood pumper starts going TOHPAKATA TOHPAKATA?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmAYpAzNB34

  39. kuelguapo said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 9:08 am

    haha, as i’m anxiously awaiting this year’s SOTU i had to re-read KU’s from last year… seems more than a few folk have some crow to eat compliments of Jayhawk in Tex…

  40. tampajhawk said:

    August 14th, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    si el guapo!

    2 missed field goals away from facing oklahoma in the b12 title game with a trip to the nat’l championship on the line (where we would have been beaten like apollo creed in Rocky IV–’if he dies…he dies…’).

    still, crow is served on big, fat silver platters, etched with a likeness of mangino flipping them all off.

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