Football Articles
Barking Carnival’s Kansas State Football State of The Union
Posted by Scipio Tex on August 20th, 2007 under Football
I’ll level with you guys on this one: I’m writing this preview as a challenge.
It’s easy to write engagingly about Texas A&M and Nebraska. Aggies are intrinsically hilarious. Make one wildcat for you. If you don’t know what that is, you’re in for a treat. I used to yell at my Aggie neighbor to get off of his own grass and you could see him visibly panic for a fleeting moment before grinning and offering me an extended middle finger. Nebraskans are jolly fun, son. Baylor and Mizzou have some interesting characteristics to bring to the fore. Texas Tech has Mike Leach, need I say more?
Sorry for rhyming. I’m trying to buy time. I’m trying to complete this preview in the same epoch that it takes Josh Freeman to complete a basic conditioning test. I’ll also be sweating profusely, reeking of sweated out lunchables, and trying to stave off a cardiac episode just like snack-daddy JF. This shee-it is hard work.
I thought my friend Henry James stuck the landing on his previews for Oklahoma State and Oklahoma like he was Kerri Strug – eyes moist as morning dew, shielding his injured limb, shaking like a leaf – or Katherine Hepburn. Or Katherine Hepburn holding a shaking leaf. Gold medal writing.
It is my understanding that, like Kerri, he also leapt into the strong arms of a gruff, walrus-moustached Romanian man upon successful completion of his task. I don’t judge. I leave that to men wiser: namely, President Martin Sheen.
So, how to write interestingly about a team located in the Big 12’s least desirable locale, that plays second fiddle to KU, is largely bereft of public interest, and with dubious accreditation as a four year college (paging Kansas State Football fan touting specious Rhodes & Marshall scholarship data). Kansas State is a cast of characters with no protagonists. It’s like watching the movie Closer, but no one is good-looking.
Kansas State Football is the McMansion of the Big 12, built by garish credit card millionaires and personal injury settlement recipients who moved into an established beautiful neighborhood, tore down a quaint tasteful Tudor cottage, chainsawed the oak trees, and put up a combination stucco antebellum Jacobethan art deco monstrosity with a tasteless water amusement – a leaping angel made from faux marble pissing into a brackish moss-covered bog with a dead floating swan carcass – and covered the bright green grass with gravel xeriscaping. The roof is mauve, the walls are lime, and they keep playing Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend at top decibel level. Inside it’s completely unfurnished, save for a bean bag and a Playstation. Bill Snyder took out a zero down, all interest, ten year ARM on Kansas State football and guess what? – the creditors are here and no one wants to buy. The Wildcats will need to feed off of their over-leveraged brief period of win inflation the way Josh Freeman feasts on Hunger Busters (and the Texas secondary. Gene Chizik, you overrated ass).
Much like a tasteless hodge podge of architectural influences, Kansas State Football has always featured a motley assortment of program retreads, JUCOS, fuck-ups, sea manatee rapists, convicted sadists, Wicca, Prop 48s, and wankers; yet the soulless Snyder was always able to bind them into a coherent unit (much like The Rock in Gridiron Gang!) with masking tape, saliva, and an easy disregard for academics and Hammurabian law.
Make no mistake, Bill Snyder did wreck some shit in the Big 12. Major Applewhite still has nightmares that Mark Simoneau is in his closet. Travis Ochs is Eric Crouch’s hamper monster. Snyder also did a lot of damage to the MAC, MEAC, SWAC and the field hockey team from Swarthmore. When he scheduled Yeshiva, I honestly thought that was a bit much. Seeing an Orthodox Jew trying to tackle Michael Bishop was just…so unacceptable. I wanted to see them prosecuted for hate crimes. Bill Snyder is as bizarre as a platypus, but you had to respect what he did in building the world’s worst program into a national player.
Or not. Their time in the sun is over and the creditors arrived three years ago. Frankly, the neighborhood is better for the loss. RPI be damned.
In Ron Prince, Kansas State may have actually managed to secure a head coach that is actually more reptillian and repellent than Bill Snyder – a man who was famously quoted as saying “losing this game is like losing a child” – when asked about Kansas State’s choke job to A&M in the ‘98 Big 12 title game. When Sirr Parker did his Compton drive-by on the Kansas State endzone to ice that game, I found myself screaming like a Guatemalan domestic during a Santeria rite. I was possessed by the righteous spirit of Snyder Hate. If I’m going to have to choose Aggies, I’ll take the Texas version that can break triple digits on their SATs. When I’m pulling for A&M, you know the world has turned upside down. After realizing what I’d done, I took a shower in my clothes, weeping.
Ron Prince, largely inspired by his mentor the Son of Sam, is not above using the press to motivate and influence others. Prince has been publically critical of a number of his players, stating most recently that “we have no left guard.” If you’re a 19 year old kid playing left guard for him, that’s kind of uncool (I’m pretty clever though, I’d just tell people that I play right guard). Nine years ago, Prince said of Lance Armstrong,”You have no left nut” and Lance proceeded to use that motivation to win 7 consecutive Tours De France. So Ron Prince knows exactly what he’s doing. The six assistant coaches who left Kansas State after Prince’s first year on the job were weaklings. They’re lucky he didn’t have them murdered. Their replacements, predictably, are inexperienced, spineless yes men just waiting to get dominance humped.
Yes, it all happened. Everything you heard. Pretty much all of it. Well, a lot of it. Not the part about Prince driving a stilleto into Marcus Watts’ kidney for sassing him. I made that up. But he did tell his players to play hurt or I’ll take your ’ship. Shouting matches at practice. Assistant coaches berated to tears. Student managers threatened. A player’s revolt straight out of Spartacus: “I am Yamon Figurs! No, I am Yamon Figurs! No, I am Yamon Figurs!” You know what? We are all Yamon Figurs! The dysfunction was so deep that the Lohan family issued a statement to the Kansas media that read:”You need counseling, sir. Mail your coke to us and we’ll hold it for you during your rehab.”
The reason Ron Prince got his job is because he interviewed well. Really well. I’m not making this up. The Kansas State Athletic Director was skipping after the interview, crushing on Ron like a school girl. Ron’s my match sign! A Scorpio! Tsk tsk. Much like the great Billy Dee Williams’ innumerable conquests, Tim Weiser will soon join the list of bimbos who got smooth-talked and screwed by an eloquent brother. The only difference is that Billy Dee’s ladies have no complaints. My sincere props to you, Lando Calrissian.
The Kansas State roster is more tragic than Han Solo going into deep carbon freeze, but I suppose we’ll peel back the layers of their crying onion, shall we?
Josh Freeman is averse to almost of the principles espoused by Mr Joseph Pilates. He played as a solid 235 pound freshman, channeled his inner Kristie Alley to balloon to 265 in the offseason, and then Ron Prince stuck his fingers in Freeman’s throat to get him down to 253. Ron Prince compares Freeman’s physique to JaMarcus Russell. I compare Ron Prince’s intellect to that of a chronically masturbating howler monkey. Freeman had a nightmarish freshman campaign, passing for 6 TDs and 15 INTs. He rocked Texas, but at that point of the year, it was pretty clear Chizik was calling our defenses from Ames and we might have been running some of the most indefensible schemes since the Maginot Line. Sacre bleu, did we suck. Yeshiva would have kicked our ass (and then won the lawsuit). Freeman will be good for 40 pass attempts a game, two to three picks per, and a number of nagging injuries.
Leon Patton is my favorite guy on the team. Like most decent players in the Big 12 North, he hails from Texas. He’s a poor man’s Darren Sproles, who is, in turn, a poor man’s Brian Westbrook. He runs with heart, he’s quick, and he produces when played: a 5.6 yards per carry average. Naturally, Prince won’t give him the solo starting gig, sometimes preferring James Johnson, who is as common a RB as his name suggests.
The OL is a practical joke. Ron Prince already established they have no left guard. The tackles are interesting – in the sense that the S&P dropping 10% in one week is interesting. OT Nick Stringer weighs around 270 pounds – like his QB. The other tackle is a JUCO who hails from Samoa via San Francisco CC. He has only played organized football for three years and he’s named Alesana Alesana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna). He has great physical talent, is impervious to physical pain, and once consumed the femurs and still pulsing bloody aortas of three missionaries from Des Moines. He calls human flesh “long pig” and has tried at least twice to club and devour walk-ons using a totemic coconut. Ron Prince controls him a with a shock collar and a quiver full of atracurium darts. He has convinced the young Samoan that he possesses his soul in a Wildcat snow globe.
One day, Alesana Alesana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna) will learn the truth of the cargo cult and that Prince does not possess his soul in a knick knack. He will turn on Prince like Frankenstein’s monster and haka dance on his grave. Then he will turn on society. If Alesana Alesana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna) runs amok in your neighborhood you should bolt your doors and put your least favorite child in the front lawn. Or call your Aggie neighbor and tell him someone is walking on his grass. Chase Daniel astride Bucephalus couldn’t stop Alessana Alessana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna).
The WRs are led by Jordy Nelson, who, we are told, is a great physical talent. Every year, we are told this. He scored exactly one TD last year. Kansas State fans consider him to be “dangerous.” They also consider Pat Boone “edgy.” I once showed a Kansas State fan my switchblade comb and he pronounced me to be “a thug.” For their sake, I hope their other WRs are black dudes.
The defense is average and so is considered to be a strength. The new defensive coordinator wants to go to a 3-4 look so that there is a 33% greater likelihood of a RB tripping on a linebacker as they burst through the Kansas St defensive line unimpeded.
The K-State DL bellcow is Ian Campbell, who is, by all rights, an excellent pass rusher. And he can’t wait to rush from Manhattan to a city with a Banana Republic store and a three star restaurant. The other DL are alright and, generally speaking, Kansas St does do a pretty good job of flying to the football. It makes sense given that Prince and his staff will execute lollygaggers at halftime while making the KSU crowd pelt them with rubbish ala William Wallace in Braveheart. This can all end now if you’ll only confess.
Their LBs bore me. Don’t they you? Then I’ll move on.
The Kansas St. secondary is competent-ish. I stress the -ish part of that word. CB Joshua Moore, CB Justin McKinney, FS Marcus Watts, SS Gary Chandler – with Marcus Welby MD arguably (meaning I don’t care to argue with you) the most solid of the bunch. They’re going to bring a lot of different looks and blitzes, but if you have your wits about you, the defense is eminently beatable. Most 3-4 schemes collapse like Jenga if they don’t have DL sufficient to demand double teams, and Kansas State doesn’t.
KSU will win 3 or 4 Big 12 games, go 6-6 overall, and then they will talk excitedly of how they are just about to turn the corner. Yes, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining when the little kid lures him into the maze. Lots of corner turning! I’m making progress! Here we go! This kid is going to get it! More corners. Following footprints! Corner. Corner. Turning some corners. Dead end. What the…? Brrr. Cold. Very cold.
I think I’ll lay down a while.
This axe is heavy.
Maybe get a little rest.
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Activity
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Kevin Berger wrote a new blog post: Round 2 Saturday Recaps 15 minutes ago
We talked about the upset of the decade in this post, but I watched some other great basketball today I’d like to comment on.
For me, the theme of the day was well-played basketball. I’m not only talking about what Northern Iowa did, I’m talking about the other seven games being really well
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Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Madness Magic: Northern Iowa Upsets Kansas 28 minutes ago
Just a phenomenal game.
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Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Recapping The South 39 minutes ago
Udoh was a fargging beast in that game. Very athletic player.
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Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Because We’re Dedicated To Doing Stupid Things – Tiny Gallon Reportedly Took Payout 1 hour, 3 minutes ago
Jesus. I think I see four horseman on the horizon.
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Kevin Berger wrote a new blog post: Madness Magic: Northern Iowa Upsets Kansas 1 hour, 7 minutes ago
Today reminded me why I love this tournament so much. A good friend of mine mentioned to me that college basketball is the great equalizer of all athletic endeavors. At least of the sports we care about. He’s right.
For instance, you can have a 40 inch vertical, be Iverson quick,
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Nate Heupel commented on the blog post Because We’re Dedicated To Doing Stupid Things – Tiny Gallon Reportedly Took Payout 1 hour, 11 minutes ago
Patrick,
Unless you’re completely retarded, you know precisely what I meant. The closest any Big 12 team has gotten to winning the infamous Fuller Cup is the 2007 Texas squad. I can’t remember a team being that horribly undisciplined as a whole aside from the insane OU teams of the 80’s. That’s not
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Nate Heupel commented on the blog post Because We’re Dedicated To Doing Stupid Things – Tiny Gallon Reportedly Took Payout 1 hour, 11 minutes ago
Patrick,
Unless you’re completely retarded, you know precisely what I meant. The closest any Big 12 team has gotten to winning the infamous Fulmer Cup is the 2007 Texas squad. I can’t remember a team being that horribly undisciplined as a whole aside from the insane OU teams of the 80’s. That’s not
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Sailor Ripley wrote a new blog post: This Is Sparta! 1 hour, 24 minutes ago
Please make yourself welcome and Adam will be by shortly to keep you up to date on all Michigan State Spartan happenings.
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Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Barnes worst team 1 hour, 28 minutes ago
I suppose anyone could be your “favorite Longhorn basketball player” but Ford did more than just about anyone…although Durant is clearly better. Ford’s supporting cast was better than Durant’s in his sophomore year. Durant’s had more talent (Augustin, James, Abrams) but Ford’s was more developed (Boddicker, Ivey, Mouton, Thomas) and had worked with him for
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Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton? 1 hour, 35 minutes ago
Crazy Joe, your thoughts intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
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Nickel Rover commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton? 1 hour, 37 minutes ago
This notion of Hamilton as being a disaster area on defense is all a bit much. He rebounds extremely well which, if it wasn’t obvious, is extremely important in this game since it secures possession of the basketball. Winning in basketball is achieved through the scoring of baskets and it’s necessary to possess the basketball
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Ojnab Bob commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 1 hour, 48 minutes ago
I posted earlier about how Collins’ effort just crippled Kansas today, but what amazed me the most was his complete inability to stay in front of his man on defense. UNI got a LOT of good looks out of penetration/pass after one of UNI’s modestly gifted athletes blew right by Sherron. The best
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Scipio Tex wrote a new blog post: Best Opening Round I Can Remember 2 hours, 59 minutes ago
At least it’s shaping up that way if Sunday delivers.
As disappointed as I was in last year’s opening weekend of March Madness, this one is exceeding all expectations. Putting aside the fact that my bracket now resembles Kabul after the Taliban rolled through in ‘96 – a map of ordered failure –
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J commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three 3 hours, 27 minutes ago
Thanks for the kind words, Trips.
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J commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three 3 hours, 27 minutes ago
You know who’s bitter and angry as fuck? This guy —> ME.
I can only hope our returning players (whoever that may be) remember this and realize they need to play motivated EVERY FUCKING GAME and put forward 40 MINUTES of effort each game.
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Raoul Duke commented on the blog post Rumor Alert–TMG 3 hours, 58 minutes ago
Kid seems like a fantastic collegiate player. I haven’t seen any NBA info. Is he a legit prospect?
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Raoul Duke commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three 4 hours, 5 minutes ago
Tough day for Sherron on O and D.
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GoHornsGo90 commented on the blog post Bradley or Hamilton? 4 hours, 50 minutes ago
To leave or stay?
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Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 4 hours, 50 minutes ago
KSU moving on led by a hot shooting Pullen. BTW, White Mormons can shoot FTs. 22 for 25, I think. Imagine if we could shoot like that.
Wake’s coming back on Kentucky. They’re within 25 right now…..
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Trips Right commented on the blog post Bid Dance: Day Three 5 hours, 8 minutes ago
Just wanted to say I feel for you guys. As a Texas fan I know how this feels even if it’s from a football perspective.
I still think you’re the best basketball team in the country, and unfortunately you ran into a team that packed a Villanova circa 1985 type game today. Meaning they
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 5 hours, 18 minutes ago
Wow. Wake won’t break 50. Not surprising really — we should have beaten Wake and they are not a very good team.
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Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 5 hours, 24 minutes ago
Kentucky doing their best to beat Wake by half hundred. Close call….
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RRR wrote a new blog post: Survive and Advance 5 hours, 27 minutes ago
We really struggled in the first half, but battled through it to get a tough win against Jacksonville. On to Oxford!
Forget what conference they play in, Jacksonville is a very good basketball team, and they got to Lubbock not because of a crazy bank shot at the buzzer in Phoenix, but by playing aggressive, intense defense for
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 5 hours, 45 minutes ago
The shamrock is on his left shoulder. The Griffin looking thing is on his right.
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 5 hours, 53 minutes ago
Everytime I see a Gumbel brother I think of “Gumbel to Gumbel”
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Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 6 hours, 6 minutes ago
Kentucky starting to pile on Wake. That would have been our fate…..
KSU just killing the Mormons on the glass…
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Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 6 hours, 34 minutes ago
10 point lead for the Mormons again…
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 6 hours, 49 minutes ago
This is the first-time Frank Martin has ever met a Mormon who wasn’t on a bicycle.
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Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 6 hours, 53 minutes ago
Does that mean he gets to pick his wives first???
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ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 6 hours, 54 minutes ago
BYU starts a 2-time Utah “Mr. Basketball.” Everything about that sentence kills me.
Rimbo said:
August 20th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Brilliant! I read the first paragraph on Alesana Alesana (the man so nice they named him twice, and named him the same thing both times) to my wife, in-between fits of laughter, tears streaming down my eyes.
She didn’t get it.
gratefulRed said:
August 21st, 2007 at 4:29 am
these previews are freakin’ killing me !! LMAO !!
MU Tiger 91 said:
August 21st, 2007 at 4:35 am
Sea manatee rapists? As far as I know, nobody ever proved anything about El Roberson
HenryJames said:
August 21st, 2007 at 4:51 am
Golf clap.
wildbigh said:
August 21st, 2007 at 5:17 am
Did you write that whole thing without spitting? Please roll down the window to your Ford F350, before you drown in your own chew. Spray that brown juice out…through that space where your front teeth should be.
MU Tiger 91 said:
August 21st, 2007 at 5:52 am
Sounds like you got a grape kitty mad at you. He probably would have been nicer if you had referred to Fresh Prince by his official name: Scary Smart. A radio talkshow KSU shill in KC called him “scary smart” when he got hired and the name stuck. Well, he was half right about the howler monkey :-)
wildbigh said:
August 21st, 2007 at 6:28 am
MU Tiger 91
Season prediction 5-0, after a big win in Columbia, where Gary out coaches Billy Boy. Then bring on the real Gary Pinkel…3-4 down the stretch…Oh yeah…only to finish runner-up in the North, once again. Someone please bump the CD…it’s stuck!
bgramfan1 said:
August 21st, 2007 at 6:33 am
Dude, you are killing me. I have only read three of your reviews, Neb, Mizzou, KSuck, but they are all funny as hell. My favorite line “He played as a solid 235 pound freshman, channeled his inner Kristie Alley to balloon to 265 in the offseason”. That was priceless.
Doperbo said:
August 21st, 2007 at 7:30 am
Man that whole Samoan section got me. We should control HenryJames with a shock collar and atracurium darts.
berford said:
August 21st, 2007 at 7:49 am
Non-Wildcat fans may derive some humor from you rant (kind of like watching someone else slip on a banana peel), but it’ll never be mistaken for journalism – sports or otherwise. Nor do you know much about the sport of football.
Oh, and remember, the cow is one of the few mascots that can be safely hunted with a hammer.
John Maier said:
August 21st, 2007 at 8:19 am
Dude, you have way too much time on your hands. The best thing for you is to get a real job!
BCMoore said:
August 21st, 2007 at 8:22 am
Okay, that was fantastic.
And I’m a Wildcat fan.
Bigcitytitty said:
August 21st, 2007 at 9:29 am
Banana Republic? Is that how you determine if it’s a place you want to live? Only pecker puffers and girls shop at Banana Republic. Dude you’re freaking gay??? You should be bevo’s bitch for A) bringing up a clothing line store EVER and B) having that clothing line store be Banana Republic. Go put on your tight BR pants, blast LOLA and sing at the top of your lungs…I WALK LIKE A WOMAN BUT TALK LIKE A MAN.
Purpcat said:
August 21st, 2007 at 9:38 am
I say you can all kiss my butt…
Trips Right said:
August 21st, 2007 at 9:49 am
You frighten me. Nice work.
Superfan said:
August 21st, 2007 at 10:54 am
Ron Prince compares Freeman’s physique to JaMarcus Russell. I compare Ron Prince’s intellect to that of a chronically masturbating howler monkey.
Fan-freaking-tastic
That might be the absolute funniest line in the history of the intraweb.
thedude said:
August 21st, 2007 at 11:03 am
As a wildcat fan, all I can say is that was hilarious. And Pat Boone IS edgy.
Rimbo said:
August 21st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Angry grape kitties abound!
LonghornGirlie said:
August 21st, 2007 at 11:48 am
Nice work, as usual. Look at it this way. It was worth the effort simply to illicit the above responses from the knuckledraggers of the Midwest.
Pssst, BCT, Scipio isn’t a Banana Republic fan. Nor does he consider Chili’s to be haute cuisine. Although I am told that he secretly adores Pat Boone and finds Beatrice Arthur to be a hottie.
BCMoore said:
August 21st, 2007 at 11:53 am
Girlie, I know how much fun we have referring to one another as “knuckledraggers” and rednecks, but, you know…Texas. Kansas. Nebraska. Oklahoma.
Pockets of liberated thinking are rare, even in the heart of our “finest” Big 12 college towns. A hearty “bravo!” for this inspired bit of journalism, and I’m looking forward to the ‘Cats continuing their puzzling domination of the ‘Horns for years to come.
Minnesotahorn said:
August 21st, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I assume you’re referencing the K-State lead of 3-2 since the conference was formed (as opposed to the all time series record of 5-4 to Texas). Yes, truly a dominating mark there.
Gus McCrea said:
August 21st, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Great column.
Vasherized said:
August 21st, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Three snaps! Hope you took a shower after writing that preview, Scipio.
Sii said:
August 21st, 2007 at 5:04 pm
amazing
fatdamon said:
August 21st, 2007 at 5:13 pm
I’m a lifelong Wildcat fan and I found that pretty damn funny. Excellent work, sir.
Not that it can hold a candle to my reviews, but…..
naked_bongo said:
August 21st, 2007 at 6:30 pm
awe inspiring.
mjrod said:
August 21st, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Scip–I heard you are kinda cute. Can I have your number? Email me some pix.
mjrod
superksufan said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:54 am
Thank you for sharing your lame ass stories with us. I would love to see your take on your Gayhawks.
I do have to admit…some of it was funny. If people take this shit too seriously, you need to take a chill pill. Just remember it is a Gayhawk who is writing this and it makes sense.
Scipio Tex said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:07 am
mjrod:
I can’t think of anything more enticing than sending pics to a creepy anonymous gay man living in rural Kansas. Consider them sent, sir!
superduperksufan:
Yes, I’m a Jayhawk named Scipio TEX on an orange site full of Texas material with specific references to my being a Texas fan and the Texas/KSU game in the write-up itself in approximately nineteen different areas.
Next, I’ll talk endlessly about Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart, what’s it’s like living in LA, my thoughts on USC-UCLA, all from a screen name of SoCalTrojans4Ever. From that, you will cleverly diagnose that I’m a Wisconsin fan.
Crimsoncat2006 said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:27 am
As a huge KSU fan, I’ve only got one thing to say to you:
That was awesome.
I’m waiting not so patiently for a KU preview.
BlueGenes said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:47 am
Soon the kitties will travel to the hallowed turf of Jordan-Hare in a REAL football conference. With what’s left they’ll drag back to be feasted upon by your #3 conference wanks. Funny review, but like the conference, it has no bottom. War Eagle!!!
Tom said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:36 am
I guess I’d be meaner than a dumbass longhorn steer if my team got their ass handed to them by K-State. Not just football, either, but basketball too.
longhornmatt said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 am
Personally, I think Darkness would be a much better nickname for Ron Prince than “Scary Smart.”
It would be a play on his name and his personality – as in “Prince of Darkness,” but more importantly, it would be an excellent ironic reference to his appearance, which can best described as a mix of Jason Kidd and Edgar Winter.
AustinCat'88 said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:47 am
Hilarious! I think I can just make out the visage of Alesana Alesana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna)’s soul in that picture of the snow globe.
My favorite line: “The defensive coordinator wants to go to a 3-4 look so that there is a 33% greater likelihood of a RB tripping on a linebacker as they burst through the Kansas St defensive line unimpeded.”
MinniHorn, I think earlier posters were referring to recent wins over UT. You know – since the Big 12 was formed? You’re right – they conveniently gloss over UT’s wins – in 1913, 1927, 1926, and 1942. Shucks – those wins without face guards ARE relevant.
As relevant, I suppose, as last year’s game.
Sorry. Wildcats are a bit defensive, I suspect, because we find being deemed an inferior school, program, breeding stock, etc. a bit…offensive. Thus our modern record against the Horns of 3-2 (avg. winning margin of 21 vs. avg. winning margin of 3.5) seems to loom large in our hay-straw brains when we’re being told how inferior our program, school, city, cheerleaders, paper towel absorbancy (you get the idea) is. DO forgive us for that!
Go Cats! Keep it close in Austin this year!
JP said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:54 pm
You really should quit your day job and write full-time. You could make enough to raise a family (of tit mice).
Eyes rolling at what passes for comedy in the sports world.
What’s the CPM on that banner ad up there? About $.0000000001 if I had to guess.
KSU2COOL4U said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:11 pm
U don’t now anything about wildcat footbal. U must be a gay or somethin. EMAW!!!!!
HornsN04 said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:27 pm
That was pure genius.
Chooky said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:56 pm
I used to think that you were the equivalent of P.J. O’Rourke covering college football. I was wrong.
You’re way beyond that.
TTurnover said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:51 pm
All K-State wants to do these days is throw the ball, which really sucks. Why, oh God, why can’t anyone run the option!?!?
The greatest coach in the game today is Frank Solich, despite his abysmal record vs. UT.
h3 said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:52 pm
Nice website and previews. Throughly enjoy them.
Pay no attention to assclowns mgayrod.
Gus said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:40 am
Psychologists call this phenomenon “displacement”. Mentally disturbed individuals attribute their poor behavior or character traits to others. In this case, the writer ia ACTUALLY speaking of Texas. Think about it–white trash, recent wealth, garish and bizarre tastes in architure and cuisine–all of these scream “TEXAS!”. We can’t help are the only big 12 team to beat Texas in both football and basketball last year, it just worked out that way. And it was done on a budget considerably less than that enjoyed by UT. I find the insults funny, but can’t help but think of most of them as really being towards Texas.
Brushpile Bill said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:17 am
What’s the over/under on how many players Prince runs off this year? Coaches?
KCFan1 said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:00 am
Based on the responses you have received, I am glad to see that the intraweb (it’s a bunch of little tubes… Those tubes can get clogged) has finally reached across the wasteland to the Little “rotten” Apple.
Buffalo Bob said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Damn funny!.. For some reason the preview on CU didn’t seem nearly so clever!
kuoirad said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Love it. Absolutely love it. Though I cringe to see how you’ll excoriate “my” KU when you get there…. :)
mjrod said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Gus,
You seem not to know too much about Kansas. If you would like, I would happily show you around sometime. Let me know.
mjrod
Sarge said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Ohhhh, you are a ku fan??? Now that was a giant leap. You poke fun of ksu so you are a ku fan/alum/lover/coach/professor. So why all the burnt orange? Wait I know, you are trying to fool those bright-eyed ksu fans.
Good stuff again.
Scipio Tex said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Kansas is up.
Link
KSU1 said:
August 24th, 2007 at 1:06 am
Wow, can you say jealous Texass fan? LOL!! KSU THUMPS you and all you can do is spew a bunch of hatred about them. I guess when you are 2-3 against the Cats since the conf formed, thats all you can do is act envious.
Making fun of Josh Freeman for not passing the secondarys requirement?? Hmmmm, would LOVE to see you out there trying it. I am sure you will respond, b/c you are that lame, aren’t you, 2 cold scorpio? What a tool! LOL!
bootexas said:
August 24th, 2007 at 5:49 am
Maybe if this article had less rascism and rhetoric and more analysis and numbers, it might actually have a shot at being a decent read. We are all dumber for having read this. I award you no points.
Doperbo said:
August 24th, 2007 at 7:12 am
I think I speak for everyone in asking you to bear with us, we are all a little tense around here now that someone named 2 Cold Scorpio has been called out. Any minute now a red ‘84 Firebird blaring Dokken from behind illegally tinted windows is going to crash the thread and want to know who said it. We’re trying to convince HenryJames to go over and talk to him.
Gus said:
August 24th, 2007 at 10:08 am
mjrod:
You don’t seem to know very much about Texas or Kansas. You’ll have to learn on your own.
Coachgray8 said:
August 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Loving Everyone of these SOTU’s. Haven’t come across a Texas one though. Don’t you think it’s called for?
BCMoore said:
August 24th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
It makes me proud to be a Wildcat when I see our fans trot over here and assume being a witty writer means one is “a gay” (”or somethin”).
Then again, I do write for a living, and have known some of the gay persuasion. Maybe my perceptions are skewed.
ksuwild said:
August 26th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Scipio Tex,
You obviously know NOTHING about Kansas St., or its football program, or Manhattan KS. I guess you have to get pretty creative when the facts don’t back up the case you’re trying to make huh? Just so you know(because it’s obvious you don’t)Bill Snyder is regarded(by sane people)as the coach that performed the greatest turnaround in all of FOOTBALL(notice I didn’t say College Football). Those sentiments aren’t mine either, they’re from coaches and sports analysts who know a lot more about football and it’s history than you or I.
I’ve got a definition for you. I’m sure you’re familiar with it, but I’ll go ahead and remind you and the rest of your buddies who are buying into that piece of crap you just wrote.
pompous: Puffed up with vanity. A boastful, overblown manner. Ostentatious or pretentious.
For those of you who want to take a stroll through reality……..here you go.
Link
BCMoore said:
August 27th, 2007 at 6:20 am
ksuwild-
Thanks for proving my point about our fans. The guy clearly knows a ton about K-State football, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to produce satire this entertaining.
Chill out, mi amigo. This was the best preseason piece I’ve read all year, and I’m as diehard a Catbacker as you’re find.
ksuwild said:
August 27th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Proving you point? What’s that…….that you don’t know the difference between someone taking shots with malicious intent…….and light hearted clever wit? He was taking shots dude, plain and simple…….go read it again if you’re confused as to why I say that. Niave much? You wouldn’t know an insult if it hit you in the face. And don’t try to tell me I have no sense of humor because everyone who knows me knows I am sarcastic as hell and am always joking……..I just know when to call a spade a spade. If you where a DIEHARD Catbacker like you say you are, you would be defending Kansas St. instead of patting someone on the back for insulting them.
ksuwild said:
August 27th, 2007 at 11:13 am
My bad, I meant to put BCMoore at the top of the post……..Not as the person submitting the post. That last post was all KSUWILD!!!!!!!
ksuwild said:
August 27th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
Thanks for switching that for me Mr. Postmaster. Honest mistake.
ksu86 said:
August 28th, 2007 at 6:50 am
Very funny.
I am glad that our porgram has come to the point where someone from Texas can find enough information to write this type of article.
Superksufan, ksu2cool4u, ksu1… don’t think for a minute that anyone believes you are anything but KU posers
Facebook User said:
August 28th, 2007 at 8:15 am
Paging David St. Hubbins.
cta6336 said:
August 28th, 2007 at 10:01 am
freaking hilarious. I only read this one and KU, both are hilarious. I need to go back to work but can hopefully catch some more of these later.
By the way, I am a huge KSU fan, and a recent graduate from May. KSU wild: loosen up a little bit. This is funny. He wrote these for other teams too. I don’t agree with all of his assessments either, but they are funny. And unless he is writing for ESPN or SI, I’ll settle for funny.
Props.
Ragnulf said:
August 28th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Ahhh…like methadone to a man dying of thirst.
baboso said:
September 2nd, 2007 at 8:56 am
Whither the KSU fans after last night’s giveaway to Auburn? Alesana Alesana (Rosanna Rosanna Danna)was beaten like a tribal drum.
ksuwild said:
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:44 pm
baboso,
At least we had it to give away. Kansas St. was up 16-13 until 2:01 in the 4th quarter……….nothing to be ashamed of in my book. That last score made a VERY close game look a little further apart than it was. Ask the 86,500 fans who were in Jordan Hare. Alesana definitely had a melt down in the 4th quarter but it’s worth noting he held his own with Groves in the first half. He has played rugby for longer than he has played organized football so he just needs to go over his technique and he’ll be fine because he is a great athlete. We should have got a TE or someone over to the left side to help when he started to struggle for sure. Our coaching staff will learn and we will be better from it happening. Either way we scared Auburn to death and earned the respect of the AU fans who said it would be over by the 1st or 2nd quarter.
kuoirad said:
September 5th, 2007 at 11:30 am
A Link
Click the first link. Needs audio. Watch the whole thing.
Laugh your ass off.
Don’t forget your Power Towel! ;D
Colby said:
September 25th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
A wildcat snow globe. I think I just shat my pants in laughter. Yep. I just shat my pants in laughter.
Squirrel said:
September 29th, 2007 at 5:18 am
Holy Crap – how’d I miss this before? Absolutlely hilarious. Nice finish!
Anita Handjobi said:
October 1st, 2007 at 7:08 pm
The “sea manatee rapists, convicted sadists” sound more like a description of Nebraska.
I really enjoyed the K-State – Texas game. Go K-State!!!
Schniekies said:
October 2nd, 2007 at 6:48 pm
It is impossible for the Longhorns to be raped by Kansas State because that would mean they did not want it to happen.
Kermit Derren said:
January 28th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Hey I just wanted to let you know, I really like the written material on your web site. But I am using Chromium on a machine running version 9.04 of Crashbang Ubuntu and the look and feel aren’t quite satisfying. Not a strong deal, I can still fundamentally read the articles and search for info, but just wanted to inform you about that. The navigation bar is kind of challenging to apply with the config I’m running. Keep up the great work!
Kermit Derren said:
January 28th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Hey I just wanted to let you know, I actually like the piece of writing on your website. But I am utilising Chromium on a machine running version 8.x of Xubuntu and the look and feel aren’t quite satisfactory. Not a strong deal, I can still essentially read the articles and look for for information, but just wanted to inform you about that. The navigation bar is kind of difficult to apply with the config I’m running. Keep up the great work!