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Barking Carnival’s Oklahoma State State of the Union Union

Posted by HenryJames on August 18th, 2007 under Football

 height=I feel like Oklahoma State has had the same team for the last 25 years. Good to very good running back, above average quarterback, a big time receiver every now and then and scattered athletes on defense. Pick them to go 5-5/6-4, rinse and repeat. When they do find a coach capable of getting them over the hump, you can bet he’ll jump when the inevitable better offer comes around.

So they’ve gone out and got a local boy like when Florida hired Steve Spurrier. Or when Texas hired David McWilliams. Mike Gundy has experienced everything Okie St has to offer. In other words, he’s banged a drunk coed he picked up at Eskimo Joe’s and lost to OU four straight years as a player.

They finished 7-6 last year, won their bowl game and their offense averaged over 200 yds per game both rushing and passing. Almost all of the offensive firepower is back. Exciting! But they were 2-6 against bowl teams and 1-4 in the South Division because their defense couldn’t stop Dexter Manley from joining a book of the month club.

Part of the problem is that there’s obviously not enough talent in Oklahoma to feed both OU and Okie St. OU is always the first choice for in state recruits making them the hot and trashy chick in the tube top. Ok St is her fat friend. Also in a tube top. That wiley Gundy has overcome this by getting his QB from Texas, his WR via transfer and his RB from JUCO. He still gets his hairstyle from the pages of International Male catalogue.

Offensive coordinator Larry Fedora knows what he’s doing, moving his family to Stillwater aside. He’s the guy that made Chris Leak a household name. Granted, it was ‘That Leak guy at Florida is a huge p*ssy,’ but at least people were talking. He runs a no huddle spread offense that worked really well last year against teams not named Texas.

Bobby Reid is potentially better than Chris Leak. He’s bigger, faster, has a stronger arm and his body’s hormone of choice is testosterone. He was inconsistent last year though and even threw 3 interceptions against Arkansas St. T. Boone Pickens responded by buying the Arkansas St team and selling it off in pieces. I think Baylor bought the secondary.

 height=The Cowboys have two good running backs returning. I’ll compare Dantrell Savage to Barry Sanders because he’s short, black and plays running back for Okie St. I’ll compare Keith Totson to Tatum Bell because he’s big, black and plays running back for Okie St. Both of these guys averaged over 6 yards per carry last year which is much better than what both Sanders and Bell averaged last year.

Adarius Bowman is the best receiver in the Big 12. He’s Hart Lee Dykes sans the variable annuity. Whomever lines up next to him will see lots of single coverage.

If you want to stump your friends, ask them to name any offensive lineman that played for Oklahoma State in the last 20 years. John Lennon once famously remarked that ‘Before Elvis there was nothing.’ In Stillwater after Jon Kolb, there was nothing. They do have a future star in LT Russell Okung who won the team’s Dick Bogert Award as OSU’s outstanding freshman on offense. Why they named an award after Lt. General Browning in A Bridge Too Far is anyone’s guess.

New defensive coordinator Tim Beckman has arrived from Ohio St. He was sold on the idea of having complete control over the defense and not having to sell any of his Dickies jean shorts that are so popular in Columbus. He was also Urban Meyer’s DC at Bowling Green. He was confident enough in his ability to stop Meyer’s offense that he and the rest of the tOSU staff spent the BCS title game practices laughing at pictures of A.J. Hawk. ‘He looks like the offspring of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and that dude from Mask!’ Beckman has brought renewed energy to the defense and they break every huddle by screaming ‘Bend it like Beckman!’ I just made that part up. Or did I?

There isn’t another Kevin Williams in the interior, but help is on the way in the form of Tonga Tea. This is either a player or a sports drink made from taro root. Senior Nathan Peterson returns at one DE spot, and he’s a player. He’s not the biggest or fastest guy around, but he finished with 8 sacks and 12 TFLs last year. Fellow senior Marque Fountain, who led the team in TFLs last year, returns at the other end. Having your DEs combine for 25 tackles behind the line is a good start, but the rest of the team combined for about 500 tackles well past the line of scrimmage.

Chris Collins is potentially the team’s best linebacker if he can recover from an injured knee. He also has some off the field issues to deal with. Twelve-year-olds. Dude.

Donovan Woods was a starting safety last year, but will get some play at LB this season. He is the 3rd member of his family to play for the Cowboys following in the footsteps of his older brothers Keenan Ivory and Damon. Sophomore Patrick Lavine will be the other LB. Last year’s starting MLB, Roderick Johnson, was moved to DE in the spring. Having graduated from Galveston Ball, he’s used to adversity and finds the sound of gunfire relaxing.

Martel Van Zandt returns at one corner spot. Van Zandt, who is deaf, relies on an interpreter to relay information from the coaches. Much of what was relayed last year was ‘Van Zandt?! Are you dumb and blind too?!’ The other corner is a scarecrow dressed like R.W. McQuarters. Sophomore Andre Sexton led the team in tackles last year from his SS spot.

I’ll admit to having a soft spot in my heart for the Cowboys although my cardiologist would disagree. But I’ve always liked watching the great individual players like Sanders, Kevin Williams and Rashaun Woods. The thing I like best is that every once in awhile Okie St will upset the natural order of things and beat OU.

So come on, Cowboys. Beat OU.

It’d be a lot cooler if you did.

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27 Responses

  1. Phil Robins said:

    August 18th, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    Dumb Ass!

  2. Rob Reichert said:

    August 19th, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    I wonder if you’re brave enough to say this to Van Zant’s face?

    “Much of what was relayed last year was ‘Van Zandt?! Are you dumb and blind too?!”

    Maybe you are…so long as his interpreter isn’t around?

    Jerk!

  3. Idiot.

  4. Scallywag!

  5. Lighten up Okie Lite Cowboys. Why should we feel sorry for Van Zandt? I could only dream of playing Division I football.

  6. You are neither a good sports writer nor a funny comedian. My advice is to quit doing one and focus on the other.

  7. That was awesome. Keenan Ivory and Damon… :)

  8. A totally different Brian said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 7:33 am

    That was hilarious. I would say keep at what you’re doing. You have a talent. I was laughing out loud the whole time.

  9. The Bandit said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 9:53 am

    Dude, that was good stuff. Very funny.

  10. I’m an OSU fan and thought that was pretty damn funny. Pretty accurate too

    I don’t understand why you people were offended.

  11. I thought it was pretty funny too, although I think I’m going to HELL now for laughing when I read the part about Van Zandt!

    Ya gotta admire a guy like that though! Not many athletes could say they played College Football if they were deaf.

  12. “The other corner is a scarecrow dressed like R.W. McQuarters.”

    That’s just genius.

  13. DarrellRoyalwasASOONER said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 11:21 am

    Tell us about Chris Simms’ tattoo again. Now that’s a sign of TRUE LOVE!

  14. Is there an audio version for Dexter Manley? Pure greatness, pardna.

  15. I could live with the sarcasm of this piece until I reached the comments about Van Zandt. That was simply crude and uncalled for. Van Zandt is a fine young man who is deaf through no fault of his own. Yet he faces life with courage and resolve that HenryJames will never know as he pulls the wings off of flies for fun. Idiot.

  16. Ladies & Gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to HenryJames, the OSU wannabe Dennis Miller.

    All kidding aside, your talent is there but I simply refuse to accept and/or appreciate anyone with two first names.

  17. I actually liked it, except for the Van Zandt. At least you waited until the end to blow it.

  18. hey i want my writing style back you unoriginal bastard.

  19. T Boone Pickens said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    Sir, that was the most to the point and accurate write up I have seen in some time. Not many people can be spot on and funny at the same time. You have serious talent.

  20. Offensive was not the remark re: Van Zandt but rather the use of “whomever.” Him say what?

  21. Woody Bombay said:

    August 21st, 2007 at 6:23 pm

    You, sir, are an abhorrent jackanape of the lowest order!

  22. Well, when yoor wight, yoor wight!

  23. OSU does NOT Rule!!!!!!!!!!!!! said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:09 am

    That seriously was Hilarious. The Wayon brothers was pure genius… I was laughing out loud the hardest at Bend it like Bekham part though. Your write up on OU was great also. Keep up the good work and don’t worry about the OSU fans that take their 6-5 team too seriously.

  24. Soulecervesa said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 8:36 am

    OK, I just got this link from one of my Georgia blogs that I read and I am super cerial this is the funniest sht I’ve read in a long time. Keep it up.

  25. So if you’re a receiver lined up opposite Van Zandt, do you talk any smack to him? Or do you just maintain an awkward silence. If you try using sign language, you might draw a procedure penalty.

  26. You flip him off.

  27. RxCowboy
    “…Van Zandt. That was simply crude and uncalled for. Van Zandt is a fine young man who is deaf through no fault of his own.”

    no fault of his own, huh. aside from the q-tip blame game out there…what the hell are you talking about? is there a huge contingent of fault-laden deaf people out there?

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