Barking Carnival’s Nebraska Football State of the Union

Bill Callahan is an offensive mastermind. I know this because it’s on his business card right over his mobile number and because I’ve watched several Nebraska/Iowa St games where he lines up in an unbalanced look, sends two men in motion, has the QB gesture vigorously to his receivers, they all shift again, an illegal procedure penalty is called, the camera pans to Callahan screaming into his headset, they redo the entire scenario again, and then they successfully run a shovel pass for seven yards. Callahan nods sagely as it is now 4th and 7 and their punting field position has been upgraded substantially.

He will then fake that punt, by the way.

There are clever coaches and there are Oh-isn’t-he-clever coaches (said with an eye roll). Callahan is currently in the latter camp. He might change to the former, but that’s 2-3 huge wins away.

Every morning Callahan goes to the same diner in Lincoln to eat a giant country breakfast: buttermilk pancakes, sausage, crisp bacon, a large glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, toast, scrambled eggs. When he reaches for a fresh pot of strong black coffee, the waitress slaps the shit out of his hand.

That’s because coffee is for closers.

Up 16-0 on the road against Oklahoma St? Lose 41-29. Whipping Auburn in the Cotton Bowl? Mismanage the kicking game to a 17-14 loss. Beating Texas in front of the rowdiest crowd in Nebraska history? Cough up the rock and give up a game winning drive into 25 MPH winds and a blizzard – allegedly your element. height=

Coffee is also for beginners. See USC. Observing Callahan’s scrotum recede into his body cavity as if he’d been Muay Thai kicked by Mirko Cro Cop was one of the most incredible pieces of college football theater I’ve ever witnessed. There’s a catchy rallying cry for the youngsters: We didn’t get blown out! We leave with our Midwestern dignity intact!

True, the Huskers have gone from 5-6 to 8-4 to 9-5 under the Callahan regime. This is progress; though the underlying numbers are sobering: he sports a 10-5 record against his North brethren and has gone a sweet 3-7 against the South. His personal credo: TGFB (Thank God For Baylor, a 2-0 record against that powerhouse) is inspiring to all.

He does get some credit for referring to Oklahoma fans as “fucking hillbillies.” Outstanding. In fact, I’ll upgrade his record at Nebraska from 22-15 to 28-9 for that one. I’ll even throw in a BCS game.

This year Nebraska and Mizzou are the bell cows of the North by simple virtue of the fact that the other four teams are varying degrees of hopeless. That we lost to one of these hopeless teams last year still boggles the mind. That Nebraska has lost to five of them over the last three years does more so.

Sam Keller will QB the Huskers, whatever the staff’s summer posturing about Joe Ganz. Keller is 6’4″ 235 and has a cannon arm. His only weakness is that he’s apparently a prick – at least according to ASU fans, his ASU former teammates, the woman in Lincoln he hummed a plastic cup at for taking a parking space he coveted, and anyone who watched his meltdown against USC in ’05. According to Nebraska fans he’s not a prick but a “competitor” (this is code for a prick who wins, except that he hasn’t). I wasn’t sure what to believe until I found out he’s from Danville. Ha. Prick. Trust me on this one. He’s a NFL prototype QB and the first really physically gifted guy to run the Callahan offense. He also enjoyed every one of Rudy Carpenter’s 14 interceptions immensely last year.

He’ll throw the ball to Maurice Purify, who is Limas Sweed-lite and their best receiving threat (if he’s on the team). Terrence Nunn complements him and he’s adequate. The Nebraska tight ends are irrelevant, but the starter is a dead ringer for Herbie Husker, and Nebraska fans dig that.

Nate Swift? Isn’t.

Marlon Lucky was a ballyhooed national recruit (a five star) who should carry the bulk of the load now. I think he suits Callahan’s offense. He’s outstanding out of the backfield and I wouldn’t be shocked to see him rush for 1,000+ and catch 45 balls. Cody Glenn will see plenty of action as the change of pace power guy.

The OL didn’t impress me last year and I remain skeptical of their prospects in 2007. Callahan has a strong resume as an OL coach (he was Alvarez’s guy at Wiscy), but I see a group that’s not cohesive against higher quality D-lines (USC, Auburn, OU, Texas). They’re not terrible, just not up to Nebraska’s historical standard.

The starting LB corps is comprised of seniors and they’re the best squad in the Big 12, though only The Octavien (wasn’t this a Chuck Norris flick?) is an elite athlete (Ruud and McKeon are All-Big 12 performers though). They’ll be the mainstays of the defense as the DL replaces all four starters. The NU secondary is mediocre and I’m not sure if returning starters there is a positive or negative for them. One would hope that some of Callahan’s recruiting classes would have started to edge some of these guys out by now, but it seems likely that they’ll start four seniors (unless a highly touted JUCO name Asante wins the safety gig). College broadcasters like to make a big deal about their track times, but I notice they’re generally using them to run down a guy who just used their ass.

The schedule is daunting in parts. USC is dominant, Wake is dangerous, even Nevada and Ball St are a slight cut above the typical non-con doormats. The roady to Austin looks like a loss on its face, meaning a 1-7 record against the Longhorns since the league’s formation. That has to sting. They’ll play for the North marbles in Columbia. Bill Callahan vs. Gary Pinkel – mmm, it just doesn’t get any better than that, does it football fans? If you don’t have the chills right now, I pity you.

So the ’07 Huskers: experience, four years in the Callahan system, genuine talent in spots, a general sense that things are getting better in Lincoln. Callahan’s recruiting has been quite good, but the overreliance on JUCOs is troubling. Herbie’s traditional recruiting grounds for skill athletes, California and Texas, are currently dominated by USC and the Longhorns. UCLA and Cal are cleaning up the remaining four stars in California and OU, LSU, and A&M are doing likewise in Texas. Factor in the loss of the old Prop 48 loopholes in the formation of the league and Nebraska is having to look increasingly to the JUCO ranks to stock their defense and skill positions – Grand Island High just isn’t cutting it. Call me a snob, but I don’t think JUCOs are a lasting model for stability and although I know it’s not exactly easy to get ghetto fabulous to attend school in a state where Kevin Bacon had to punch-dance in the barn for fear of the town elders frowning at him, the Huskers need to work harder here. Given the tradition and passion of the Big Red fanbase, the resurgence in recruiting, and the current level of the program, anything but total dominance of the North is unacceptable from this year onward. height=

To their credit, the Nebraska faithful are patient. Part of this is tribute to their sophistication and their understanding of how badly Solich damaged the program on the recruiting trails, but they were also profoundly shaken by the number of coaches who passed on what was once considered to be one of the elite jobs in college football. That doesn’t mean Nebraska can’t be great again, it just shows what the market thought of their prospects.

When Houston Nutt passes on you, you’ve got to wonder what memo you missed.

Article Tags:

Big 12, Nebraska Cornhuskers, State of The Union

46 Responses

Huskerikes said:

August 18th, 2007 at 8:51 pm

Great article. As a huge Husker fan it’s always nice to read opinions outside of the “Husker Homers.” Ofcourse I am hoping that things turn out great, but as a fan I am realistic about what is going on. Thanks for not making jokes about Cornfields etc…for those of us in Omaha…yes…we do have traffic lights and cows don’t run wild.
The article was well written and made me laugh.
I think the jury is still out on Coach Callahan.
Go Big Red!
SixTigers said:

August 18th, 2007 at 10:48 pm

Callahan’s a tool. Any well-respected Husker fan will tell you that much. Good stuff…
Gabe DeArmond said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:24 pm

Gary Pinkel is a horrible coach and his players hate him. Any knowledgeble Mizzou fan will tell you as much.
Ronaldo said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:26 pm

Hillary Clinton is awesome!!!! I love her almost as much as I love Oksana Baiul!!!!
Aaron Semm said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:31 pm

Good review, although I was disappointed to see you lack a solid knowledge of Xs and Os. For example, whom do you see playing the 3-tech when Coz decides to deviate from his base tendencies and eagle the end down? I know these things; you do not.

Also, you noted Nate Swift lacks speed. At the end of the day, he is what he is. There are several guys at the NAIA level that accomplish what he does every Saturday. Swift can run a nice Y-stick route, though. I don’t expect you to know what a Y-stick route is, though, as you probably do not possess the coaching experience that I do.
Nitin said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:32 pm

Go Huskers!
h3 said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:34 pm

I feel an anal raping comin’ on down in Austin. Sadly, for the Huskers it will be Colt McCoy’s engorged phallus that will be conducting it.
TTurnover said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:38 pm

I hate any offense that throws the football, except Notre Dame. It’s fine that they threw out tradition (read: running the option) and went to a pass-happy, pro-styled, NFL mindset program. Anyway, I hate Nebraska now that Frank Solich is gone. BAH HUMBUG! 70-10!

ERIN GO BRAGH! GO LOBOS! 70-10!
Facebook User said:

August 18th, 2007 at 11:38 pm

Is a Y-stick anything like an engorged phallus?
ChrisApplewhite said:

August 19th, 2007 at 12:00 am

Y-stick is a west coast staple pattern that involves a deep, clearing route by the outside receiver, and flat clearing route by the second receiver, and the “y-stick,” a quick option route run by the third receiver in the void left by the horizontal flat route. QB reads the flat defender and hits the guy left alone, usually the Y, or tight end.

Nonetheless, Aaron Semm has lept out in front in the commenter race to win my heart. Fantastic start, bro.
HOUSKER said:

August 19th, 2007 at 1:31 am

apparently cally hurt this yambags’ feelings…sub-par coaches go take the raiders to the super bowl and make rich gannon look like joe montana…good call…
your mama said:

August 19th, 2007 at 7:16 am

I cant wait for you to climb into your hole when the Huskers start winning big games, that way we don’t have to hear your opinion anymore.
DrkBgrk said:

August 19th, 2007 at 8:02 am

in the meantime, may i recommend a tinfoil hat to help keep all the unwanted voices out?
Jeremy in MPLS said:

August 19th, 2007 at 8:22 am

Good article. I’m a huge Husker fan, but this was hilarious. The Herbie Husker line was a sweet burn.

I, too, loved the hillbillies line, but they’re not exactly socialite sophisticates of culture and intelligence in NE, either.

You also showed a pretty decent knowledge of our roster.

I’ll come back and read more of your articles.

Go Big Red!
HUSKERinIOWA said:

August 19th, 2007 at 8:35 am

Who got permission to print a picture of my homestead? LOL. I must must be in Hick-Hell. I am a Husker fan from the Sandhills of Nebraska who has ended up in the middle of Iowa with kids at ISU, UNI and UNL. I have a spit-toon for all my family reunions along with marriage counseolers. I found the article very funny and it is nice to see someone elses opinion.
Herg said:

August 20th, 2007 at 10:12 am

Nice hatchet job. Nothing we haven’t seen before. You are about 15 years behind in the bashing department.
JP said:

August 20th, 2007 at 1:02 pm

Nobody has ever been more wrong about something than you are about this:

“To their credit, the Nebraska faithful are patient. Part of this is tribute to their sophistication and their understanding of how badly Solich damaged the program on the recruiting trails..”

Nebraska fans in general (the majority) are NOT patient. They’re a bunch of people who know a little bit about football, but not a lot, and they expected Callahan to win right away with Frank Solich’s players. The rest of us Cornhusker fans (the minority) knew this wasn’t gonna happen right away and we knew how the lack of depth throughout the program when Solich was rightfully canned was a HUGE problem. Callahan finally has built some depth and next year will likely be the season Nebraska makes a title run with Zach Lee at QB and depth everywhere. The lack of depth in the D-Line this season will leave NU a couple of wins short of the top 10.

In 2008 Nebraska plays for the title and all the whining, bitching, and moaning Cornhusker fans won’t realize how filling it can be when you have to plate up your words and eat them.

Go Big Red!!!
Facebook User said:

August 20th, 2007 at 1:10 pm

They go all the way with a first year starter at QB? Tell us more about this guy.
BRAGGonUT said:

August 20th, 2007 at 1:11 pm

JP- Are you referring to playing for the conference title or the MNC title in 2008?
JP said:

August 20th, 2007 at 3:34 pm

Sit back and watch me be right.
Nemesis said:

August 20th, 2007 at 7:26 pm

JP, have you looked at how many seniors there are on the two deep? ’08 will be a worse debacle than ’04.
JP said:

August 20th, 2007 at 8:42 pm

Nemesis, have you followed Nebraska recruiting the past three years?
slankster said:

August 21st, 2007 at 9:16 am

jp, get over yourself. btw, nobody thought callahan would be a winner in year one. we just thought he might try to be one!

fantastic article…learn to enjoy a little humor. now read the one on Kstate and tell me that it isn’t funny.
JP said:

August 21st, 2007 at 10:33 am

Oh yeah. This is really funny stuff (eyes rolling).

You need to get out more.
GoSkers said:

August 21st, 2007 at 11:49 am

“I know it’s not exactly easy to get ghetto fabulous to attend school in a state where Kevin Bacon had to punch-dance in the barn for fear of the town elders frowning at him”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is a great line.

Im a big Skers fan and loved this article. Not because I agree with everything in it but it was well written with good humor. I however will not stop drinking the Kool-Aid, I beleive in what Callahan is doing, Option football is simply in the past (how many teams still run option?).
Scipio Tex said:

August 21st, 2007 at 11:53 am

GoSkers -

Thanks for the kind words.

Curious, you don’t consider zone read to be option football?
Mr. Husker said:

August 21st, 2007 at 12:37 pm

Very funny stuff. Obviously seen through the distorted eyes of a Texan (my sister has lived for 20 years in Dallas, so I know what the dry Texas heat can do to you there), but funny nonetheless.

I loved the Kansas State even more.

Mr. Husker
sooner tim said:

August 21st, 2007 at 2:20 pm

JP, relax. My coach got hatcheted twice on this site and my team ripped. I laughed my a$$ off the whole read. The Mizzou preview is brilliant. When do you get to Leach’s Pirates?
Facebook User said:

August 21st, 2007 at 2:54 pm

Tim – Dread Pirate Leach
Zonie87 said:

August 21st, 2007 at 3:02 pm

Scipio, you command your arsenal of words as tools crafting emotional guffaws in direct proportion to the strong and sentient few capable to read further without puking from exhaustive laughter.

Your KSU piece was beyond funny. I’m still rolling around the allegory of it all, hoping Rosanna Alesana won’t show up at our family BBQ… BBQ Longhorn this year… I don’t care what h3 says.
dubya said:

August 21st, 2007 at 8:40 pm

Can’t argue with any of that. Obviously, the author knows that great recruiting will only get you so far, as Texas has proved for decades. But it only takes one player, right Bevo? Cuz without him, you’re…well..you’re A&M.
75&85 said:

August 21st, 2007 at 9:06 pm

1.) I’m surprised any players showed up for Spring or Fall camp after coach C gave up the Auburn bowl game with a fake punt on the 20.

2.) the JUCO pond is trolled heavily by KSU (Snyder legacy) and there is not much left, short term ,if any, payback.

3.) been to Norman, they are f&&&&&&ng, hillbillies, xcepin dem parts is kinda flat, so wwiel callem flatbillies (attended the 96 game they were very hospitable, nice flatbillies [drop the f&&&&&ng], OU played hard and should have kept Owen instaead of going to Schnellenberger)
JP said:

August 22nd, 2007 at 2:46 pm

By the way Nemesis (really scary sounding name by the way – eyes rolling again).. I count somewhere between 8 to 13 seniors on Nebraska’s roster who are impact players. So your brilliant theory about ’08 being worse than ’04 can either be attributed to your bitterness about the program’s regime change or you’re just clueless. Anyone’s guess I suppose.
Brushpile Bill said:

August 22nd, 2007 at 2:57 pm

JP – How many of the kids in your 05 class that was so highly rated are still with the program and are contributing?
JP said:

August 22nd, 2007 at 3:29 pm

Happens everywhere Brushpile.
Check out the current NU roster and see how many FR and RedShFR you see.

To answer your question: 15 and 3 Jucos who graduated.
Solich’s 2002 recruiting class had 9.
James said:

August 22nd, 2007 at 11:14 pm

a few mistakes, but really, it was a fun read, lots of good jokes, and there was some good points made.
R N Joseph said:

August 23rd, 2007 at 7:37 am

Great article. Can’t wait for the trip down to Austin. A bunch of Texas boys dressed in orange and a bunch of Texas boys with N’s on their helmets should make for good theater. Nebraska should be flying high with wins over USC and Mizzou but I’m afraid the curse of John Makovick will remain firmly intact. Cows 32 Skerz 13
Hammley said:

August 23rd, 2007 at 10:06 am

Question – If Callahan and his “first year QB” come to Austin and bitch slap the mighty horns, will you eat it, I mean with both cheeks full and choking on it?
Facebook User said:

August 23rd, 2007 at 10:59 am

Hammley – Rise above that sort of response. Stretch yourself. If the Huskers come to Austin and win, be sure to come back to this site because I can guarantee you that you will find some hilarious takes.
Hammley said:

August 23rd, 2007 at 7:13 pm

Sailor:

It was a tongue in cheek response. I can’t tell you how many laughs I’ve had reading the brilliant analysis on this site. I have to say that his analysis is spot on, for the Huskers and for the others that I’ve read. I’ll absolutely come back. I just want to know who it is that is writing this stuff. Really good stuff indeed.
Abu Dabi said:

August 23rd, 2007 at 8:29 pm

JP, I wouldn’t be so sure that Zac Lee will be the starter next year, Patrick Witt will probably be the guy to beat next season.

Regarding the article, as a Husker fan I thought it was a reasonable assessment and on the mark on most points. Callahan has made some mistakes but I do believe he has what it takes to get us back to being a regular top 10 team, two seasons from now I fully expect that but it would be a stretch to expect it this year, possible next year but it will be a first year starter at QB. Sure I’d like to see a quicker move back to being a top program, but the changes in the program since Callahan was hired have been pretty dramatic. Nebraska was a very run-oriented offense for 30 years, and coaching stability was second to none. Between the complete change in offensive philosophy and the complete overhauling of the entire coaching staff, no one should be suprised that there were going to be some ugly spots along the way, and this season could easily be anywhere from a 2-5 loss season. I only wish our first season with Callahan wasn’t so pathetic, Callahan was probably too stubborn in sticking to his plans but he had absolutely nothing to work with a QB, the season was a nightmare.
DC-Husker said:

August 24th, 2007 at 3:16 pm

“That’s because coffee is for closers.”

Absolutely brilliant! Hi-larious!

I’m still grinning after that one.

Go Big Red!
chronicpain said:

August 24th, 2007 at 5:56 pm

AD what do you mean Callahan had nothing to work with at QB. Nobody could hit the open linebacker like JD.
62 to 36 said:

August 25th, 2007 at 2:31 pm

Callahan could clean up at the poker table. I love that blank stare he exudes every time the camera pans him on the sideline. He tries so hard to put on a “thinking face” with those glasses but it comes out in reverse.
Only John gruden postures more.
Bugeater said:

August 25th, 2007 at 9:27 pm

“In 2008 Nebraska plays for the title and all the whining, bitching, and moaning Cornhusker fans won’t realize how filling it can be when you have to plate up your words and eat them.”-JP

**************

Haha, yeah right. Next year you’ll just be saying how great we’ll be in ’09. Take that crap back to bigredboard.com
MadHatter said:

August 29th, 2007 at 5:23 pm

As a lifelong member of the Huskers cult, I can’t say I found anything substantive to disagree with. In fact, I have to say you were a little easy on Callahan’s in-game coaching abilities. Three years ago, at ISU, Callahan calls TO to avoid a delay of game penalty. After the TO, the team promptly gets …. wait for it … a delay of game penalty! As for the TX loss last year, it mirrored the one the year prior against TX Tech where Tech’s last gasp drive was stopped by a guy who only had to fall down to win the game. Instead, he decided that, as a 300#+ guy who can’t move 5 yds. without losing his breath, he would try to run 95 yards for a meaningless TD. Of course, he promptly fumbled the ball back, Tech takes it in against our inept leprechaun secondary, and I have to put my fist through another spot in my basement wall. Maybe this year Callahan spent some time in preseason practice on drills where players learn to FALL THE F@#$ DOWN!!

BTW, great preview for Kansas …