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Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 9th, 2007 under Football

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Dennis Franchione is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, coaching at a school that is a Rubik’s cube wrapped in overalls. Once one of the most sought after and well regarded college football coaches around, the bloom quickly fell off of Franchione’s A&M rose as if Lady Reveille had been purposefully farting on it. His first three years yielded a smooth 16-18 record and Franchione introduced the A&M faithful to new and unique humiliations on the football field and demonstrated a personna that made Texas fan’s smirk; we knew this guy – A&M had landed their John Mackovic.

Or have they? On the heels of a 9-4 season with a win over hated tee-yew, Franchione has been less of a cold-blooded eel of late, even offering OU’s program some friendly light jibes at an alumni function, forcing a thin-skinned Bob Stoops to expose his raw chafed vagina at Big 12 media day in response. The Aggie faithful are feeling good again and formerly cowed Aggie work colleagues who “weren’t into football” are suddenly reinvigorated, signing all of their e-mails 12-7 Whoop!!!!!!

Stephen McGee – who looks like James Van Der Beek dipped in a vat of Human Growth Hormone – is now a buffed out 230 pounds and is still trying to figure out if he’s Scott Frost – a fearless running QB who can throw a little, or Drew Henson – an up and down passing QB who can run. He is undoubtedly a tough guy and the Aggies regard him as the spiritual successor to Bucky Richardson, The Patron Saint of Gutty. Stephen played last year with a torn tricep which, when combined with the beatings of Fran’s option attack, had him skipping passes along the turf like stones on Lake Conroe. In order to heal the arm, Franchione ordered him to stop flexing in his offseason media photos. He hasn’t complied but has healed nicely nonetheless.

The OL reminds me of Texas ‘98 – tough, physical, not exactly bursting with 1st round NFL talents, but full of a lot of dudes who have started a lot of football games. They’re solid across the board and deserve their accolades.

A&M’s WRs are large, fast, full of potential…and…shitty – continuing A&M’s long tradition at that position. I’ll laugh when they all test out at 4.35 40s at the combine. TE is a different story. Martellus Bennett is an outstanding blocker who murders people at the point of the attack but still has the athletic skills to find a safety in space and bury him. His receiving has come along as well. The guy is a great, not good, player. That he’s not used more in play action off of the option is criminal.

Goodson and Lane are known quantities to any Big 12 fan. I don’t need to tell you that one is fat, but nimble and the other is speedy, but flatulent. They are the Asterix and Obelix of college football. Menhirs!

The defense will be average, though the magazines will try to convince you that their “experienced” mediocre guys have potential. The front 4 is more space eater than playmaker though Chris Harrington is quality at DE. The two LB’s are an interesting pair – Mark Dodge is a 54 year old Vietnam Veteran; Misi Tupe is a 250 pound ball of poi who who hits hard in a straight line and has a secret fancy for Kabuki. The secondary, once full of mincing faggots, now has more free testosterone flowing than estrogen, though no one is rushing to place them on any All-America teams. A&M’s defensive evolution from putrid to below average to respectable has been notable, though I’m not seeing guys in the program pipeline who will elevate them beyond that.

There isn’t a single team on the 2007 schedule that A&M can’t beat. This is good news for the Aggie faithful. Unfortunately for them, there are seven teams on the A&M schedule that have at least a reasonable chance of beating them: Miami, OU, Mizzou, Nebraska, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma St. This will be a better team – even if it duplicates last year’s 9-4 season or limps to an unlikely 8-5 debacle.

As for the future of the program, A&M is securely locked in as the 3rd most desirable option for recruits in the Big 12 South. Fran’s response to that fact has been to recruit faithfully to their system and hope that UT continues to hire defensive coordinators as clueless about defending the option as Gene Chizik while continuing to start QBs with poor neuromuscular constitution; then steal a few rivalry games to get the recruiting worm to turn. Assuming we secure the services of a junior high coach to scheme the option and Colt McCoy can keep his synapses functioning appropriately, this may not be a good plan. Franchione’s 2006 rivalry win fed A&M’s delusional bonfire of grandeur and inflated expectations, but a 45-10 Holiday Bowl blowout at the hands of the Berkeley Marxist-Leninists was a swift punch to the cock and brought Aggies back to their natural state of unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.

Lucy has pulled the football from their Charlie Brown many times, but there is no fanbase in the country more willing to embrace the notion that this time it will be different. God love them, that’s why they’re Aggies and why they’ll always get more of a chuckle from me than a snarl. They’re just Aggies. Being Aggies. Whoop.

I heart them.

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33 Responses

  1. ChrisApplewhite said:

    August 10th, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    Personally, I’m most worried about their excellent QB, Chance Mock. I think he can carry them to the BCS on his back.

  2. CrazyJoeDavola said:

    August 16th, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    I wish we could post photos.

    Link

  3. Golden Triangle Dude said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    I’m an Aggie. This is the best writeup I’ve seen for the 2007 season–great work.

  4. Scipio Tex said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    Thanks GTD. Come back anytime.

  5. Battalion Ex said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    I read this on Orangebloods.com, where someone cut-and-pasted it. I’m an Aggie, but that’s some great smack, and much of the analysis pretty much mirrors my own.

    What’s with the Scipio part of your handle? Is your name Rod? Or are you a big fan of the guy who defeated Hannibal?

  6. tick said:

    August 19th, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    I’m an Ag, and this article is unadulterated brilliance. You’re an extraordinarily amusing writer. Great stuff.

  7. DW said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 am

    Bastard made me laugh. DAMN IT!

  8. jverse2000 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 6:42 am

    This is pure greatness.
    I thought you could’ve been a little tougher, though.
    I’m still laughing about the Mizzou preview.

  9. SugarLandAg said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 7:41 am

    Bravo!

  10. wallace4301 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am

    This is great writing. We need more of this kind of creativity in the sports world. I am an Aggie and I love it.

  11. cameron said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 9:21 am

    Do you have that sheep’s #? It’s okay – I’m an Aggie.

    Very well written piece.

  12. agracer said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 9:42 am

    Good Stuff. Good satire is rare and you’ve got a gift for it.

  13. schmak01 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 10:17 am

    Wow, funny but true, all of it. “…Unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.” Perfect description of us Aggies.

  14. Manfre said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 11:33 am

    As a Ag, I have to say that you are brilliant.

    I’ve now read a few of these write-ups. Keep up the absolutely excellent work.

  15. Aggie Football Preview With A Burnt Orange Twist « Semitough: Suburban Guerrilla said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    [...] and in many cases bang on  analysis of the upcoming 2007 season. Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union lays it out in a forthright fashion that even this Aggie fan can’t argue: Dennis Franchione [...]

  16. Mack Brown said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Cart McCoy will be ready! This time we will practice the blitz!!

  17. texags_99 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 3:27 pm

    Awesome…don’t know who you are, but that is the most accurate preseason write-up on the Ags I’ve seen…hilarious. Great work!

  18. This Time It Will Be Different » kevin barnett said:

    August 21st, 2007 at 8:36 am

    [...] With college football season upon us (rejoice), a fellow Aggie points out one of the better pre-season writeups of Texas A&M football, written by a t-sip at Barking Carnival.  It even includes a sheep-lust reference with the lead [...]

  19. Class of '86 said:

    August 21st, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    Awesome.

  20. mike said:

    August 22nd, 2007 at 10:59 am

    good read,LMAO

  21. Brushpile Bill said:

    August 22nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve been reading all your team profiles to get up to speed for the big season ahead. I’ve noticed that you’re pretty down on Gene Chizik who is obviously the root cause of every UT loss last year. You’d think having him exiled to Siberia/Ames would have been enough already. I can’t wait to see your ISU profile.

    Good stuff!

  22. goo said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 6:36 am

    i’ve died laughing through this article… as tim mcgraw once sang, “if you’re reading this, i’m already gone.”

  23. aggy said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Genius.

    Pure Genius.

    Gig ‘Em!

  24. I am McLovin' said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Funny, but not your best… I figured you’d pony up more for A&M!! ;) very good read none the less!

  25. turk 182 said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    I would say strong to quite strong.

    I am seriously holding out for another “too many men on the field” call this year versus OU at a crushingly pivotal point in the game. It is almost worth losing this year to beat them at home last year like that…

  26. jeremy said:

    August 24th, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    I enjoyed this article more than any other preview of the up-coming season I’ve read. Good work!

  27. Cinch '97 said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 7:19 am

    Very funny. Thanks for a good laugh and a pretty accurate preview.

  28. LAR said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 7:55 am

    Quality. I’m an Ag – even one that really believes Fran is a good coach and is going to get it done – but that is just a great write up.

  29. Mack Brown said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 11:01 am

    i am still waiting for my write up

  30. Scott said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    Now that is just funny. You know, I read this before I realized people were commenting at the bottom. Then I went and read the Okie State one and saw all the insecure buttwipes pissing and moaning. I thought to myself, “Oh, great, I hope us Ags aren’t doing the same thing on ours.” Much to my surprise, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Which, I guess, just proves that Cowboys are stupid.

  31. Scipio Tex said:

    August 25th, 2007 at 6:17 pm

    Read the others too, Scott. It’s a pretty revealing insight into the psychology of each respective fanbase.

  32. Ed said:

    August 26th, 2007 at 8:46 pm

    F’ing spot on, mate, and hilarious. Glad to see you’re getting rightfully deserved props from my Aggie compatriots.

    Bravo.

  33. South '06 said:

    August 27th, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    I’m glad I stumbled onto this website while I was browsing the texags.com forums. You guys do some great write-ups. Insighful and well thought out with some accurate and hilarious barbs at Texas’ competition.

    Also, I’m glad we Aggies have been well represented here. We’re a hopelessly optimistic bunch, admittedly. But dammit we love our football!

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