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Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 9th, 2007 under Football

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Dennis Franchione is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, coaching at a school that is a Rubik’s cube wrapped in overalls. Once one of the most sought after and well regarded college football coaches around, the bloom quickly fell off of Franchione’s A&M rose as if Lady Reveille had been purposefully farting on it. His first three years yielded a smooth 16-18 record and Franchione introduced the A&M faithful to new and unique humiliations on the football field and demonstrated a personna that made Texas fan’s smirk; we knew this guy – A&M had landed their John Mackovic.

Or have they? On the heels of a 9-4 season with a win over hated tee-yew, Franchione has been less of a cold-blooded eel of late, even offering OU’s program some friendly light jibes at an alumni function, forcing a thin-skinned Bob Stoops to expose his raw chafed vagina at Big 12 media day in response. The Aggie faithful are feeling good again and formerly cowed Aggie work colleagues who “weren’t into football” are suddenly reinvigorated, signing all of their e-mails 12-7 Whoop!!!!!!

Stephen McGee – who looks like James Van Der Beek dipped in a vat of Human Growth Hormone – is now a buffed out 230 pounds and is still trying to figure out if he’s Scott Frost – a fearless running QB who can throw a little, or Drew Henson – an up and down passing QB who can run. He is undoubtedly a tough guy and the Aggies regard him as the spiritual successor to Bucky Richardson, The Patron Saint of Gutty. Stephen played last year with a torn tricep which, when combined with the beatings of Fran’s option attack, had him skipping passes along the turf like stones on Lake Conroe. In order to heal the arm, Franchione ordered him to stop flexing in his offseason media photos. He hasn’t complied but has healed nicely nonetheless.

The OL reminds me of Texas ‘98 – tough, physical, not exactly bursting with 1st round NFL talents, but full of a lot of dudes who have started a lot of football games. They’re solid across the board and deserve their accolades.

A&M’s WRs are large, fast, full of potential…and…shitty – continuing A&M’s long tradition at that position. I’ll laugh when they all test out at 4.35 40s at the combine. TE is a different story. Martellus Bennett is an outstanding blocker who murders people at the point of the attack but still has the athletic skills to find a safety in space and bury him. His receiving has come along as well. The guy is a great, not good, player. That he’s not used more in play action off of the option is criminal.

Goodson and Lane are known quantities to any Big 12 fan. I don’t need to tell you that one is fat, but nimble and the other is speedy, but flatulent. They are the Asterix and Obelix of college football. Menhirs!

The defense will be average, though the magazines will try to convince you that their “experienced” mediocre guys have potential. The front 4 is more space eater than playmaker though Chris Harrington is quality at DE. The two LB’s are an interesting pair – Mark Dodge is a 54 year old Vietnam Veteran; Misi Tupe is a 250 pound ball of poi who who hits hard in a straight line and has a secret fancy for Kabuki. The secondary, once full of mincing faggots, now has more free testosterone flowing than estrogen, though no one is rushing to place them on any All-America teams. A&M’s defensive evolution from putrid to below average to respectable has been notable, though I’m not seeing guys in the program pipeline who will elevate them beyond that.

There isn’t a single team on the 2007 schedule that A&M can’t beat. This is good news for the Aggie faithful. Unfortunately for them, there are seven teams on the A&M schedule that have at least a reasonable chance of beating them: Miami, OU, Mizzou, Nebraska, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma St. This will be a better team – even if it duplicates last year’s 9-4 season or limps to an unlikely 8-5 debacle.

As for the future of the program, A&M is securely locked in as the 3rd most desirable option for recruits in the Big 12 South. Fran’s response to that fact has been to recruit faithfully to their system and hope that UT continues to hire defensive coordinators as clueless about defending the option as Gene Chizik while continuing to start QBs with poor neuromuscular constitution; then steal a few rivalry games to get the recruiting worm to turn. Assuming we secure the services of a junior high coach to scheme the option and Colt McCoy can keep his synapses functioning appropriately, this may not be a good plan. Franchione’s 2006 rivalry win fed A&M’s delusional bonfire of grandeur and inflated expectations, but a 45-10 Holiday Bowl blowout at the hands of the Berkeley Marxist-Leninists was a swift punch to the cock and brought Aggies back to their natural state of unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.

Lucy has pulled the football from their Charlie Brown many times, but there is no fanbase in the country more willing to embrace the notion that this time it will be different. God love them, that’s why they’re Aggies and why they’ll always get more of a chuckle from me than a snarl. They’re just Aggies. Being Aggies. Whoop.

I heart them.

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33 Responses

  1. Personally, I’m most worried about their excellent QB, Chance Mock. I think he can carry them to the BCS on his back.

  2. CrazyJoeDavola said:

    August 16th, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    I wish we could post photos.

    Link

  3. Golden Triangle Dude said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    I’m an Aggie. This is the best writeup I’ve seen for the 2007 season–great work.

  4. Thanks GTD. Come back anytime.

  5. Battalion Ex said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    I read this on Orangebloods.com, where someone cut-and-pasted it. I’m an Aggie, but that’s some great smack, and much of the analysis pretty much mirrors my own.

    What’s with the Scipio part of your handle? Is your name Rod? Or are you a big fan of the guy who defeated Hannibal?

  6. I’m an Ag, and this article is unadulterated brilliance. You’re an extraordinarily amusing writer. Great stuff.

  7. Bastard made me laugh. DAMN IT!

  8. jverse2000 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 6:42 am

    This is pure greatness.
    I thought you could’ve been a little tougher, though.
    I’m still laughing about the Mizzou preview.

  9. SugarLandAg said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 7:41 am

    Bravo!

  10. wallace4301 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am

    This is great writing. We need more of this kind of creativity in the sports world. I am an Aggie and I love it.

  11. Do you have that sheep’s #? It’s okay – I’m an Aggie.

    Very well written piece.

  12. Good Stuff. Good satire is rare and you’ve got a gift for it.

  13. Wow, funny but true, all of it. “…Unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.” Perfect description of us Aggies.

  14. As a Ag, I have to say that you are brilliant.

    I’ve now read a few of these write-ups. Keep up the absolutely excellent work.

  15. [...] and in many cases bang on  analysis of the upcoming 2007 season. Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union lays it out in a forthright fashion that even this Aggie fan can’t argue: Dennis Franchione [...]

  16. Mack Brown said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Cart McCoy will be ready! This time we will practice the blitz!!

  17. Awesome…don’t know who you are, but that is the most accurate preseason write-up on the Ags I’ve seen…hilarious. Great work!

  18. [...] With college football season upon us (rejoice), a fellow Aggie points out one of the better pre-season writeups of Texas A&M football, written by a t-sip at Barking Carnival.  It even includes a sheep-lust reference with the lead [...]

  19. Class of '86 said:

    August 21st, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    Awesome.

  20. good read,LMAO

  21. Brushpile Bill said:

    August 22nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve been reading all your team profiles to get up to speed for the big season ahead. I’ve noticed that you’re pretty down on Gene Chizik who is obviously the root cause of every UT loss last year. You’d think having him exiled to Siberia/Ames would have been enough already. I can’t wait to see your ISU profile.

    Good stuff!

  22. i’ve died laughing through this article… as tim mcgraw once sang, “if you’re reading this, i’m already gone.”

  23. Genius.

    Pure Genius.

    Gig ‘Em!

  24. I am McLovin' said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Funny, but not your best… I figured you’d pony up more for A&M!! ;) very good read none the less!

  25. I would say strong to quite strong.

    I am seriously holding out for another “too many men on the field” call this year versus OU at a crushingly pivotal point in the game. It is almost worth losing this year to beat them at home last year like that…

  26. I enjoyed this article more than any other preview of the up-coming season I’ve read. Good work!

  27. Very funny. Thanks for a good laugh and a pretty accurate preview.

  28. Quality. I’m an Ag – even one that really believes Fran is a good coach and is going to get it done – but that is just a great write up.

  29. i am still waiting for my write up

  30. Now that is just funny. You know, I read this before I realized people were commenting at the bottom. Then I went and read the Okie State one and saw all the insecure buttwipes pissing and moaning. I thought to myself, “Oh, great, I hope us Ags aren’t doing the same thing on ours.” Much to my surprise, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Which, I guess, just proves that Cowboys are stupid.

  31. Read the others too, Scott. It’s a pretty revealing insight into the psychology of each respective fanbase.

  32. F’ing spot on, mate, and hilarious. Glad to see you’re getting rightfully deserved props from my Aggie compatriots.

    Bravo.

  33. I’m glad I stumbled onto this website while I was browsing the texags.com forums. You guys do some great write-ups. Insighful and well thought out with some accurate and hilarious barbs at Texas’ competition.

    Also, I’m glad we Aggies have been well represented here. We’re a hopelessly optimistic bunch, admittedly. But dammit we love our football!

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  • Luke commented on the blog post First Round: Clemson Tigers   1 hour, 15 minutes ago

    Prescient comment, Doc.

    I think we learned today that no team is really a mirror image of Missouri, even if Clemson is about as close as it gets. Unless you have significantly better/more talented athletes, if you try to run with the Tigers, you will lose. This team is so much fun to watch in games

  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   1 hour, 29 minutes ago

    Good to see that Tom Penders still believes in the weave offense. Maryland finally figured out that if you pass quickly, the middle is always open.

    37-29 Maryland late in the first half.

  • Luke wrote a new blog post: Previewing Jimmer and the Cougars   1 hour, 30 minutes ago

    Kansas State is going to be under a lot of pressure tomorrow night in primetime at the Ford Center.

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  • Ibas water bottle wrote a new blog post: Georgia Tech post mortem   1 hour, 42 minutes ago

    We came up short.

    Credit to Georgia Tech they worked the ball inside where they had the advantage and played great D on the perimeter. Matt Pilgrim is the most athletic big man we’ve had in years around here and he was irrelevant. When we tried to drive they collapsed like Chris Farley on a

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  • Phenomenal Smith commented on the blog post First Round: Clemson Tigers   2 hours, 18 minutes ago

    Doc, the turnovers seemed to do the trick – there were great big chunks of time when Mizzou didn’t even have to get into a half court offense.

    Great to see Ramsey have such a good game and pretty stifle Booker. As Euclid said during the game, even when Mizzou doesn’t play well

  • dick commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   2 hours, 57 minutes ago

    “Also because those other teams gave great effort almost every game. This team’s effort was questionable. Dumb and lazy, not a good combo…..”

    This is what made this season so bizarre for me. This has never been a problem for Barnes’ teams. But I actually questioned this team’s heart and desire to play together

  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   3 hours, 11 minutes ago

    Travis Ford spent the 2nd half channeling his inner Rick Barnes — lot’s of standing around on offense while one player tries to generate something off a ball screen — then taking a forced shot.

    So the Big 12 goes 5-2 in Round One.

  • skymonkeyhorn commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   3 hours, 15 minutes ago

    This is the worst coached team ever in Barnes era. Period.
    Worst defense over the whole season,
    Offense sucked big time and the bench coaching was horrible, ransom’s attitude was better then the coach’s overall this season.
    Trips write up pre and post better then the game plan and O schemes.
    Hell we could have

  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   3 hours, 19 minutes ago

    advertisers think they will probably get some deals for the additional 32 games that would be added. The feeling is that an ESPN would disount rates somewhat, since they already have a dual revenue stream — advertising dollars and subscription fees.

    It’s all about content for ESPN — even mediocre content.

  • dick commented on the blog post FLV March Madness First Round Bets   3 hours, 21 minutes ago

    a great first round of the tournament from an excitement standpoint, very mediocre from a gambling standpoint.

  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   3 hours, 37 minutes ago

    Ga. Tech — last in the ACC in free throw shooting at 64% — 13 for 13 tonight.

  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   3 hours, 46 minutes ago

    A poll of media buyers from the major agencies overhwhelmingly showed that advertisers believe that the NCAA will expand, and the tournament will join the BCS on ESPN.

  • whiskey wrote a new blog post: The week in news- Pariahs, Malcontents and Power Hour   3 hours, 49 minutes ago

    In the midst of March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, house guests, nice weather outside and a host of other distractions I still managed to come across quite a few interesting college football stories this week. Here we go.

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  • srr50 commented on the blog post March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   4 hours, 1 minute ago

    Anderson finds out what going to the paint is like when there is a big who knows how to defend the low block.

  • srr50 wrote a new blog post: March Madness Open Thread Part Deaux   4 hours, 10 minutes ago

    So far on Day Two, no buzzer beaters, but there was the obligatory #12 over #5 with Cornell thumping Temple 78-65, but the Ivy League school was everyone’s “inside” pick for an upset. Still the day hasn’t come close to generating the action that Thursday had.

    Today
    #5 Texas A&M 69 #12

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   4 hours, 35 minutes ago

    I wasn’t trying to say they quit. They just didn’t play hard a lot of the time. Lazy = lack of effort. Example, our transition defense was about 75% effort and 25% stupidity. We loafed down court a lot. The kids didn’t like to lose so they would fight back,

  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   6 hours, 8 minutes ago

    This the most disappointing team because our talent level is higher than those others.

    The DGib/Buckman team was the least talented, barely, after the injury to LaMarcus and Tucker’s suspension.

    Last year’s team was the hardest to watch. Just watching AJ Abrams, who I don’t hate as much as most, run around like a

  • uthookem commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   6 hours, 14 minutes ago

    Agreed on Damo being my favorite Longhorn basketball player, I wish him all the best.

    This was definitely the worst, by far.

  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest: Post Mortem   7 hours, 28 minutes ago

    Don’t have time to address each and every comment now, but I wanted to say thanks to everyone for contributing to the site this season. It’s made it a lot of fun to follow a team that’s tough to watch at times.

    Also, I wanted to thank you for the kind words as

  • Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day Two   7 hours, 29 minutes ago

    And that’s all she wrote…relatively boring day so far. A&M out to a nice early lead.

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  • Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest: Post Mortem   7 hours, 32 minutes ago

    Trips,

    Great work all year long. Love the passion. The fact that you kept writing these (even around the birth of a child), is fantastic, shows your commitment, and is a little freaky. :-)

    I think you showed great restraint in this post. It would have been easier to “go off” on Barnes.

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   7 hours, 32 minutes ago

    Second awesomest thing — Magnus gets his woman to go to Hooters with him.

  • Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day Two   7 hours, 39 minutes ago

    Missouri going to hang on…

    Sconsin clinging to a 2 point cushion

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  • BrickHorn commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   7 hours, 52 minutes ago

    Are there any women who are not skanks at any place on 1960?

  • Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day Two   7 hours, 53 minutes ago

    Make that a 1 point Wofford lead with 4+ to play…

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  • Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post Big Dance: Day Two   8 hours ago

    Pitt rolling Oakland.

    Purdue holds on against Siena…I missed it in my bracket, but I’m actually happy for them.

    Missouri pulling away from Clemson (68-60) with 7 to play…knew I should have never bet on Oliver Purnell, even if it was against this Missouri team.

    Amazingly, game of the day so far might be Wisco/Wofford – 2

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  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   8 hours, 3 minutes ago

    I ain’t talking about the girls Brick.

  • BrickHorn commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   8 hours, 6 minutes ago

    The girls don’t wear jorts at Hooters. They dress like Richard Simmons.

  • ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post Barnes worst team   8 hours, 8 minutes ago

    That, by the way, was the best thing that’s come out of this basketball season. Knowledge of Magnus’ intimate familiarity with the service and cut-off threshold at Hooter’s as compared to BWW3. Hooter’s — worse food at a higher price than a titty bar, served with jean shorts, cheaper beer, and more stretch

  • Blake Stansbery commented on the blog post Arkansas Razorback Football Spring Practice Preview: Running Backs   8 hours, 33 minutes ago

    Who thinks that one back could step up and be the go to this year?

    I still think it is going to be a by committee approach, but someone could separate themselves this spring. You just never know.

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