Football Articles
Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union
Posted by Scipio Tex on August 9th, 2007 under Football
Dennis Franchione is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, coaching at a school that is a Rubik’s cube wrapped in overalls. Once one of the most sought after and well regarded college football coaches around, the bloom quickly fell off of Franchione’s A&M rose as if Lady Reveille had been purposefully farting on it. His first three years yielded a smooth 16-18 record and Franchione introduced the A&M faithful to new and unique humiliations on the football field and demonstrated a personna that made Texas fan’s smirk; we knew this guy – A&M had landed their John Mackovic.
Or have they? On the heels of a 9-4 season with a win over hated tee-yew, Franchione has been less of a cold-blooded eel of late, even offering OU’s program some friendly light jibes at an alumni function, forcing a thin-skinned Bob Stoops to expose his raw chafed vagina at Big 12 media day in response. The Aggie faithful are feeling good again and formerly cowed Aggie work colleagues who “weren’t into football” are suddenly reinvigorated, signing all of their e-mails 12-7 Whoop!!!!!!
Stephen McGee – who looks like James Van Der Beek dipped in a vat of Human Growth Hormone – is now a buffed out 230 pounds and is still trying to figure out if he’s Scott Frost – a fearless running QB who can throw a little, or Drew Henson – an up and down passing QB who can run. He is undoubtedly a tough guy and the Aggies regard him as the spiritual successor to Bucky Richardson, The Patron Saint of Gutty. Stephen played last year with a torn tricep which, when combined with the beatings of Fran’s option attack, had him skipping passes along the turf like stones on Lake Conroe. In order to heal the arm, Franchione ordered him to stop flexing in his offseason media photos. He hasn’t complied but has healed nicely nonetheless.
The OL reminds me of Texas ‘98 – tough, physical, not exactly bursting with 1st round NFL talents, but full of a lot of dudes who have started a lot of football games. They’re solid across the board and deserve their accolades.
A&M’s WRs are large, fast, full of potential…and…shitty – continuing A&M’s long tradition at that position. I’ll laugh when they all test out at 4.35 40s at the combine. TE is a different story. Martellus Bennett is an outstanding blocker who murders people at the point of the attack but still has the athletic skills to find a safety in space and bury him. His receiving has come along as well. The guy is a great, not good, player. That he’s not used more in play action off of the option is criminal.
Goodson and Lane are known quantities to any Big 12 fan. I don’t need to tell you that one is fat, but nimble and the other is speedy, but flatulent. They are the Asterix and Obelix of college football. Menhirs! 
The defense will be average, though the magazines will try to convince you that their “experienced” mediocre guys have potential. The front 4 is more space eater than playmaker though Chris Harrington is quality at DE. The two LB’s are an interesting pair – Mark Dodge is a 54 year old Vietnam Veteran; Misi Tupe is a 250 pound ball of poi who who hits hard in a straight line and has a secret fancy for Kabuki. The secondary, once full of mincing faggots, now has more free testosterone flowing than estrogen, though no one is rushing to place them on any All-America teams. A&M’s defensive evolution from putrid to below average to respectable has been notable, though I’m not seeing guys in the program pipeline who will elevate them beyond that.
There isn’t a single team on the 2007 schedule that A&M can’t beat. This is good news for the Aggie faithful. Unfortunately for them, there are seven teams on the A&M schedule that have at least a reasonable chance of beating them: Miami, OU, Mizzou, Nebraska, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma St. This will be a better team – even if it duplicates last year’s 9-4 season or limps to an unlikely 8-5 debacle.
As for the future of the program, A&M is securely locked in as the 3rd most desirable option for recruits in the Big 12 South. Fran’s response to that fact has been to recruit faithfully to their system and hope that UT continues to hire defensive coordinators as clueless about defending the option as Gene Chizik while continuing to start QBs with poor neuromuscular constitution; then steal a few rivalry games to get the recruiting worm to turn. Assuming we secure the services of a junior high coach to scheme the option and Colt McCoy can keep his synapses functioning appropriately, this may not be a good plan. Franchione’s 2006 rivalry win fed A&M’s delusional bonfire of grandeur and inflated expectations, but a 45-10 Holiday Bowl blowout at the hands of the Berkeley Marxist-Leninists was a swift punch to the cock and brought Aggies back to their natural state of unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.
Lucy has pulled the football from their Charlie Brown many times, but there is no fanbase in the country more willing to embrace the notion that this time it will be different. God love them, that’s why they’re Aggies and why they’ll always get more of a chuckle from me than a snarl. They’re just Aggies. Being Aggies. Whoop.
I heart them.
Share This
33 Responses
Leave a Reply
Related Articles
-
11
The Barking Carnival Big XII 2008 Preview & State of The Union Collection
By on August 9th, 2008 -
7
Barking Carnival’s Texas Tech Football State of the Union
By Scipio Tex on August 9th, 2007 -
84
2008 Texas A&M Football Preview – State of the Union
By HenryJames on August 21st, 2008 -
72
Barking Carnival’s Kansas State Football State of The Union
By Scipio Tex on August 20th, 2007 -
17
Barking Carnival’s Baylor Football State of the Union
By Scipio Tex on August 8th, 2007
Activity
-
dick commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 29 minutes ago
Hopefully, yall caught the Maryland Michigan St ending. Freakin’ thrilling. Maryland almost pulled off a comeback for the ages.
officially the best opening weekend ever
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 34 minutes ago
Tom Izzo can coach some ball.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 35 minutes ago
MSU at the buzzer!!!!!!
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 37 minutes ago
Fear the Turtle! Came all the way back from a dozen down to take the lead on MSU…
-
D W commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 44 minutes ago
It’s incredible how few teams play good, fundamental basketball.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 48 minutes ago
tOSU will be moving on. Evan Turner does a little of everything. 22 pts, 8 reb, 8 ass. Great player.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 48 minutes ago
tOSU will be moving on. Evan Turner does a little of everything. 22 pts, 8 reb, 8 ast. Great player.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 55 minutes ago
Bob Huggins looks like a guy I wouldn’t want to play for. He makes Barnes look like Dick Vermeil….
-
Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 56 minutes ago
Scratch that. The Big Red are blowing Wisconsin out.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 58 minutes ago
I’d be happy to see the last two minutes of the OSU/Tech game. 4 pt game with just under two minutes.
Cornell putting it to the Bo Ryan’s….
-
Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 1 hour, 25 minutes ago
Cornell is playing phenomenally well. I’d be surprised if Wiscy doesn’t cut into the lead in the 2nd half.
Jay Bilas may end up looking like a genius.
-
admin commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 1 hour, 41 minutes ago
parlin – Shoot me an email sailorripley at barkingcarnival dot com.
-
ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 2 hours, 34 minutes ago
I really want Mizzou to give it to WVU.
-
Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Round 2 Saturday Recaps 2 hours, 48 minutes ago
What kind of NBA player does Samhan end up as?
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
dick commented on the blog post Second Round Bets 3 hours ago
I really like Cal today.
ATM and Cornell look too good to be true and the public is all over both of them.
I gotta believe that Izzo beats Maryland today, I haven’t been impressed with the Terps this year. I am surprised that they are favored.
-
ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 3 hours, 22 minutes ago
Gonzaga is getting plowed like a future Zeta during her Provisional Summer session.
-
Alex wrote a new blog post: The Top 10 Reasons our Cal Bears will beat the Duke Blue Devils 3 hours, 26 minutes ago
Kevin Berger from March To March lays it out for us here.
1) Interior Worries. As in the Bears shouldn’t have any defensively even if Cal is an undersized group. Brian Zoubek and Lance Thomas aren’t going to drop step and dunk you to death on the low block so Mike Montgomery can
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 3 hours, 33 minutes ago
Jordan Hamilton + 2 years ~ Wesley Johnson. Discuss.
-
James commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 3 hours, 51 minutes ago
” a heavily tattooed lycanthrope Irish wookie named Lucas O’Rear”
That is just strong command of the English language.
This piece was a nice balm on the hangover.
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post Texas Turns the Page 3 hours, 53 minutes ago
gotta,
I think your overall point is a good one. Barnes is a “system” guy especially defensively, which plays into how he overall plays the game. He wants to play a high pressure, overplay man2man scheme predicated on effort, good technique and overall quickness. Similar to Duke, but even Coach K (in fairness
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 4 hours, 4 minutes ago
Would have never guessed that UNI had an Ali shooting threes for them….
-
ghostofagroundgame commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 4 hours, 21 minutes ago
Anyone else as confused as I am by this “Ivan Brothers” ad campaign? WTF?
-
Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NCAA Tournament Open Thread: Weekend Edition 4 hours, 24 minutes ago
Cuse looking strong. Another week of R&R for the big man….
-
Luke wrote a new blog post: BYU postgame 4 hours, 52 minutes ago
http://nbcsportsmedia1.msnbc.com/j/apmegasports/201003202121769017659-pf.widec.jpg
What a glorious, glorious day of basketball at the Ford Center Saturday.
First, Ali Ali Farokhmanesh and all the other Panthers with cool names took down Kansas as Sherron Collins made his best effort to shed that “clutch” label on the last game of his collegiate career. Then of course, Kansas State waved goodbye to Jimmer
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Best Opening Round I Can Remember 5 hours, 27 minutes ago
Ali Farokhmanesh hitting the biggest shot of the season is the definition of March Madness.
Ali Boma Ye!!!
-
skymonkeyhorn commented on the blog post Texas Hoops vs. Wake Forest: Post Mortem 6 hours, 49 minutes ago
It is just amazing to me that most posters think that Jordan has improved so much in the last half of the season.
The one thing I will say is that Jordan has just started to show his ability with a basketball. The reason that he did not show his talents is up to all the -
Ag_in_TX wrote a new blog post: Purdue Pre-game 6 hours, 55 minutes ago
Offense
Both teams are unselfish and preach sharing the ball. A&M is a balanced scoring team. Sloan showed in the first round against Utah State, for example, that he can defer when his teammates have things going. Purdue once again will have to rely on JaJuan Johnson and E’Twaun Moore to produce, and hope
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post We Have Our Answer 7 hours, 11 minutes ago
And yes, it appears JoPo wrote pretty much the same thing. It’s hard to believe with all the national talking heads, fans, and everyone in between saying otherwise, but I think it’s the only conclusion to draw for anyone that really watched this team.
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
Hiphopopotamus commented on the blog post We Have Our Answer 7 hours, 11 minutes ago
And yes, it appears JoPo wrote pretty much the same thing. It’s hard to believe with all the national talking heads, fans, and everyone in between saying otherwise, but I think it’s the only conclusion to draw for anyone that really watched this team.
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
-
Hiphopopotamus wrote a new blog post: We Have Our Answer 7 hours, 13 minutes ago
Normally, after a big win or a crushing defeat, I don’t know what to think, say, or feel, because I can’t. And that what makes this one different; it’s just as painful, but I saw it coming. Instead of getting blindsided by the oncoming traffic, I was able to brace myself for the
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });
ChrisApplewhite said:
August 10th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Personally, I’m most worried about their excellent QB, Chance Mock. I think he can carry them to the BCS on his back.
CrazyJoeDavola said:
August 16th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I wish we could post photos.
Link
Golden Triangle Dude said:
August 17th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
I’m an Aggie. This is the best writeup I’ve seen for the 2007 season–great work.
Scipio Tex said:
August 17th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Thanks GTD. Come back anytime.
Battalion Ex said:
August 17th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
I read this on Orangebloods.com, where someone cut-and-pasted it. I’m an Aggie, but that’s some great smack, and much of the analysis pretty much mirrors my own.
What’s with the Scipio part of your handle? Is your name Rod? Or are you a big fan of the guy who defeated Hannibal?
tick said:
August 19th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I’m an Ag, and this article is unadulterated brilliance. You’re an extraordinarily amusing writer. Great stuff.
DW said:
August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 am
Bastard made me laugh. DAMN IT!
jverse2000 said:
August 20th, 2007 at 6:42 am
This is pure greatness.
I thought you could’ve been a little tougher, though.
I’m still laughing about the Mizzou preview.
SugarLandAg said:
August 20th, 2007 at 7:41 am
Bravo!
wallace4301 said:
August 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am
This is great writing. We need more of this kind of creativity in the sports world. I am an Aggie and I love it.
cameron said:
August 20th, 2007 at 9:21 am
Do you have that sheep’s #? It’s okay – I’m an Aggie.
Very well written piece.
agracer said:
August 20th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Good Stuff. Good satire is rare and you’ve got a gift for it.
schmak01 said:
August 20th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Wow, funny but true, all of it. “…Unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.” Perfect description of us Aggies.
Manfre said:
August 20th, 2007 at 11:33 am
As a Ag, I have to say that you are brilliant.
I’ve now read a few of these write-ups. Keep up the absolutely excellent work.
Aggie Football Preview With A Burnt Orange Twist « Semitough: Suburban Guerrilla said:
August 20th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
[...] and in many cases bang on analysis of the upcoming 2007 season. Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union lays it out in a forthright fashion that even this Aggie fan can’t argue: Dennis Franchione [...]
Mack Brown said:
August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Cart McCoy will be ready! This time we will practice the blitz!!
texags_99 said:
August 20th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Awesome…don’t know who you are, but that is the most accurate preseason write-up on the Ags I’ve seen…hilarious. Great work!
This Time It Will Be Different » kevin barnett said:
August 21st, 2007 at 8:36 am
[...] With college football season upon us (rejoice), a fellow Aggie points out one of the better pre-season writeups of Texas A&M football, written by a t-sip at Barking Carnival. It even includes a sheep-lust reference with the lead [...]
Class of '86 said:
August 21st, 2007 at 12:44 pm
Awesome.
mike said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:59 am
good read,LMAO
Brushpile Bill said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I’ve been reading all your team profiles to get up to speed for the big season ahead. I’ve noticed that you’re pretty down on Gene Chizik who is obviously the root cause of every UT loss last year. You’d think having him exiled to Siberia/Ames would have been enough already. I can’t wait to see your ISU profile.
Good stuff!
goo said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 6:36 am
i’ve died laughing through this article… as tim mcgraw once sang, “if you’re reading this, i’m already gone.”
aggy said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:59 am
Genius.
Pure Genius.
Gig ‘Em!
I am McLovin' said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Funny, but not your best… I figured you’d pony up more for A&M!! ;) very good read none the less!
turk 182 said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm
I would say strong to quite strong.
I am seriously holding out for another “too many men on the field” call this year versus OU at a crushingly pivotal point in the game. It is almost worth losing this year to beat them at home last year like that…
jeremy said:
August 24th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I enjoyed this article more than any other preview of the up-coming season I’ve read. Good work!
Cinch '97 said:
August 25th, 2007 at 7:19 am
Very funny. Thanks for a good laugh and a pretty accurate preview.
LAR said:
August 25th, 2007 at 7:55 am
Quality. I’m an Ag – even one that really believes Fran is a good coach and is going to get it done – but that is just a great write up.
Mack Brown said:
August 25th, 2007 at 11:01 am
i am still waiting for my write up
Scott said:
August 25th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Now that is just funny. You know, I read this before I realized people were commenting at the bottom. Then I went and read the Okie State one and saw all the insecure buttwipes pissing and moaning. I thought to myself, “Oh, great, I hope us Ags aren’t doing the same thing on ours.” Much to my surprise, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Which, I guess, just proves that Cowboys are stupid.
Scipio Tex said:
August 25th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Read the others too, Scott. It’s a pretty revealing insight into the psychology of each respective fanbase.
Ed said:
August 26th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
F’ing spot on, mate, and hilarious. Glad to see you’re getting rightfully deserved props from my Aggie compatriots.
Bravo.
South '06 said:
August 27th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
I’m glad I stumbled onto this website while I was browsing the texags.com forums. You guys do some great write-ups. Insighful and well thought out with some accurate and hilarious barbs at Texas’ competition.
Also, I’m glad we Aggies have been well represented here. We’re a hopelessly optimistic bunch, admittedly. But dammit we love our football!