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Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 9th, 2007 under Football

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Dennis Franchione is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, coaching at a school that is a Rubik’s cube wrapped in overalls. Once one of the most sought after and well regarded college football coaches around, the bloom quickly fell off of Franchione’s A&M rose as if Lady Reveille had been purposefully farting on it. His first three years yielded a smooth 16-18 record and Franchione introduced the A&M faithful to new and unique humiliations on the football field and demonstrated a personna that made Texas fan’s smirk; we knew this guy – A&M had landed their John Mackovic.

Or have they? On the heels of a 9-4 season with a win over hated tee-yew, Franchione has been less of a cold-blooded eel of late, even offering OU’s program some friendly light jibes at an alumni function, forcing a thin-skinned Bob Stoops to expose his raw chafed vagina at Big 12 media day in response. The Aggie faithful are feeling good again and formerly cowed Aggie work colleagues who “weren’t into football” are suddenly reinvigorated, signing all of their e-mails 12-7 Whoop!!!!!!

Stephen McGee – who looks like James Van Der Beek dipped in a vat of Human Growth Hormone – is now a buffed out 230 pounds and is still trying to figure out if he’s Scott Frost – a fearless running QB who can throw a little, or Drew Henson – an up and down passing QB who can run. He is undoubtedly a tough guy and the Aggies regard him as the spiritual successor to Bucky Richardson, The Patron Saint of Gutty. Stephen played last year with a torn tricep which, when combined with the beatings of Fran’s option attack, had him skipping passes along the turf like stones on Lake Conroe. In order to heal the arm, Franchione ordered him to stop flexing in his offseason media photos. He hasn’t complied but has healed nicely nonetheless.

The OL reminds me of Texas ‘98 – tough, physical, not exactly bursting with 1st round NFL talents, but full of a lot of dudes who have started a lot of football games. They’re solid across the board and deserve their accolades.

A&M’s WRs are large, fast, full of potential…and…shitty – continuing A&M’s long tradition at that position. I’ll laugh when they all test out at 4.35 40s at the combine. TE is a different story. Martellus Bennett is an outstanding blocker who murders people at the point of the attack but still has the athletic skills to find a safety in space and bury him. His receiving has come along as well. The guy is a great, not good, player. That he’s not used more in play action off of the option is criminal.

Goodson and Lane are known quantities to any Big 12 fan. I don’t need to tell you that one is fat, but nimble and the other is speedy, but flatulent. They are the Asterix and Obelix of college football. Menhirs!

The defense will be average, though the magazines will try to convince you that their “experienced” mediocre guys have potential. The front 4 is more space eater than playmaker though Chris Harrington is quality at DE. The two LB’s are an interesting pair – Mark Dodge is a 54 year old Vietnam Veteran; Misi Tupe is a 250 pound ball of poi who who hits hard in a straight line and has a secret fancy for Kabuki. The secondary, once full of mincing faggots, now has more free testosterone flowing than estrogen, though no one is rushing to place them on any All-America teams. A&M’s defensive evolution from putrid to below average to respectable has been notable, though I’m not seeing guys in the program pipeline who will elevate them beyond that.

There isn’t a single team on the 2007 schedule that A&M can’t beat. This is good news for the Aggie faithful. Unfortunately for them, there are seven teams on the A&M schedule that have at least a reasonable chance of beating them: Miami, OU, Mizzou, Nebraska, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma St. This will be a better team – even if it duplicates last year’s 9-4 season or limps to an unlikely 8-5 debacle.

As for the future of the program, A&M is securely locked in as the 3rd most desirable option for recruits in the Big 12 South. Fran’s response to that fact has been to recruit faithfully to their system and hope that UT continues to hire defensive coordinators as clueless about defending the option as Gene Chizik while continuing to start QBs with poor neuromuscular constitution; then steal a few rivalry games to get the recruiting worm to turn. Assuming we secure the services of a junior high coach to scheme the option and Colt McCoy can keep his synapses functioning appropriately, this may not be a good plan. Franchione’s 2006 rivalry win fed A&M’s delusional bonfire of grandeur and inflated expectations, but a 45-10 Holiday Bowl blowout at the hands of the Berkeley Marxist-Leninists was a swift punch to the cock and brought Aggies back to their natural state of unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.

Lucy has pulled the football from their Charlie Brown many times, but there is no fanbase in the country more willing to embrace the notion that this time it will be different. God love them, that’s why they’re Aggies and why they’ll always get more of a chuckle from me than a snarl. They’re just Aggies. Being Aggies. Whoop.

I heart them.

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33 Responses

  1. Personally, I’m most worried about their excellent QB, Chance Mock. I think he can carry them to the BCS on his back.

  2. CrazyJoeDavola said:

    August 16th, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    I wish we could post photos.

    Link

  3. Golden Triangle Dude said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    I’m an Aggie. This is the best writeup I’ve seen for the 2007 season–great work.

  4. Thanks GTD. Come back anytime.

  5. Battalion Ex said:

    August 17th, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    I read this on Orangebloods.com, where someone cut-and-pasted it. I’m an Aggie, but that’s some great smack, and much of the analysis pretty much mirrors my own.

    What’s with the Scipio part of your handle? Is your name Rod? Or are you a big fan of the guy who defeated Hannibal?

  6. I’m an Ag, and this article is unadulterated brilliance. You’re an extraordinarily amusing writer. Great stuff.

  7. Bastard made me laugh. DAMN IT!

  8. jverse2000 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 6:42 am

    This is pure greatness.
    I thought you could’ve been a little tougher, though.
    I’m still laughing about the Mizzou preview.

  9. SugarLandAg said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 7:41 am

    Bravo!

  10. wallace4301 said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am

    This is great writing. We need more of this kind of creativity in the sports world. I am an Aggie and I love it.

  11. Do you have that sheep’s #? It’s okay – I’m an Aggie.

    Very well written piece.

  12. Good Stuff. Good satire is rare and you’ve got a gift for it.

  13. Wow, funny but true, all of it. “…Unrestrained optimism tempered by deep insecurity.” Perfect description of us Aggies.

  14. As a Ag, I have to say that you are brilliant.

    I’ve now read a few of these write-ups. Keep up the absolutely excellent work.

  15. [...] and in many cases bang on  analysis of the upcoming 2007 season. Barking Carnival’s Texas A&M Football State of the Union lays it out in a forthright fashion that even this Aggie fan can’t argue: Dennis Franchione [...]

  16. Mack Brown said:

    August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Cart McCoy will be ready! This time we will practice the blitz!!

  17. Awesome…don’t know who you are, but that is the most accurate preseason write-up on the Ags I’ve seen…hilarious. Great work!

  18. [...] With college football season upon us (rejoice), a fellow Aggie points out one of the better pre-season writeups of Texas A&M football, written by a t-sip at Barking Carnival.  It even includes a sheep-lust reference with the lead [...]

  19. Class of '86 said:

    August 21st, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    Awesome.

  20. good read,LMAO

  21. Brushpile Bill said:

    August 22nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve been reading all your team profiles to get up to speed for the big season ahead. I’ve noticed that you’re pretty down on Gene Chizik who is obviously the root cause of every UT loss last year. You’d think having him exiled to Siberia/Ames would have been enough already. I can’t wait to see your ISU profile.

    Good stuff!

  22. i’ve died laughing through this article… as tim mcgraw once sang, “if you’re reading this, i’m already gone.”

  23. Genius.

    Pure Genius.

    Gig ‘Em!

  24. I am McLovin' said:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Funny, but not your best… I figured you’d pony up more for A&M!! ;) very good read none the less!

  25. I would say strong to quite strong.

    I am seriously holding out for another “too many men on the field” call this year versus OU at a crushingly pivotal point in the game. It is almost worth losing this year to beat them at home last year like that…

  26. I enjoyed this article more than any other preview of the up-coming season I’ve read. Good work!

  27. Very funny. Thanks for a good laugh and a pretty accurate preview.

  28. Quality. I’m an Ag – even one that really believes Fran is a good coach and is going to get it done – but that is just a great write up.

  29. i am still waiting for my write up

  30. Now that is just funny. You know, I read this before I realized people were commenting at the bottom. Then I went and read the Okie State one and saw all the insecure buttwipes pissing and moaning. I thought to myself, “Oh, great, I hope us Ags aren’t doing the same thing on ours.” Much to my surprise, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Which, I guess, just proves that Cowboys are stupid.

  31. Read the others too, Scott. It’s a pretty revealing insight into the psychology of each respective fanbase.

  32. F’ing spot on, mate, and hilarious. Glad to see you’re getting rightfully deserved props from my Aggie compatriots.

    Bravo.

  33. I’m glad I stumbled onto this website while I was browsing the texags.com forums. You guys do some great write-ups. Insighful and well thought out with some accurate and hilarious barbs at Texas’ competition.

    Also, I’m glad we Aggies have been well represented here. We’re a hopelessly optimistic bunch, admittedly. But dammit we love our football!

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Activity

  • Nate Heupel commented on the blog post Things To Do While Not Watching OU in the NCAA Tourney   7 minutes ago

    Six, magnus. This is now the SIXTH week of my infant-induced involuntary abstinence program. I’ve found that large doses of Woodford Reserve (not cut with water) take the edge off.

    SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: ””, url: ”” });

  • HenryJames commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   8 minutes ago

    That would certainly explain his often hasty exits.

  • HenryJames commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   8 minutes ago

    That would certainly explain his often hasty exits.

    jones,

    I think Workman speaks Spanish.

  • Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   12 minutes ago

    I just like the mental image of Trips trying to put 3 quarters, a dime and four pennies in a stripper’s thong.

  • Scipio Tex commented on the blog post Beat the Barkers NCAA Tourney Bracket   18 minutes ago

    No one rocks a mockneck quite like Joe Lunardi.

  • Art Vandelay commented on the blog post Beat the Barkers NCAA Tourney Bracket   18 minutes ago

    Texas basketball has never been in better shape.

    By that I mean there are 7 teams from the state of Texas in the tournament field.

  • P.Drez commented on the blog post Can Anyone Stop This Guy?   18 minutes ago

    He and Drogba yes.

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  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post The high cost of razors   41 minutes ago

    Does Mel Stottlemeyer habla espanol?

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  • Ag_in_TX commented on the blog post Beat the Barkers NCAA Tourney Bracket   1 hour ago

    I have A&M making it to the Final Four.

    I’ve been sporting wood for two weeks straight now.

  • Nate Heupel wrote a new blog post: Things To Do While Not Watching OU in the NCAA Tourney   1 hour, 12 minutes ago

    1) Fill out a bracket whilst weeping softly and saying “Damn you for leaving us, Sampson” to no one in particular
    2) Recover a small bit of joy at pegging UT for a first round exit after you realize that this is a realistic possibility
    3) Rewatch the Sun Bowl
    4) Post overlong diatribes needling Huckleberry to come

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  • Trips Right commented on the blog post Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   1 hour, 24 minutes ago

    Triston, exactly.

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  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Beat the Barkers NCAA Tourney Bracket   1 hour, 25 minutes ago

    Great video. Did Beilein have a similar look when Evan Turner pulled his heart our of his chest this weekend?

    I’d really like a Tote Bag too. Maybe we’ll have a telethon / pledge drive.

  • Kevin Berger commented on the blog post Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   1 hour, 46 minutes ago

    I thought I hedged appropriately with the Onuaku stuff. If he’s healthy Cuse rolls. If not, they’re two and done.

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   1 hour, 50 minutes ago

    I am buying NCAA tourney credit default swaps insuring I cash out Mark Burry style HUGE when Butler knocks off UTEP in the first round.

    This looks like a fucking NIT bracket compared to KU’s region.

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  • jc25 commented on the blog post Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   1 hour, 51 minutes ago

    I find it hard to pick against a Cuse team just because it lost its final two games to (1) a pumped up Louisville team on Senior Day in the last game at Freedom Hall and (2) a solid Georgetown squad that made it to the Big East Final and had also lost its prior

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  • Blake Stansbery commented on the blog post Three Strikes: John Pelphrey   2 hours, 2 minutes ago

    I agree with your first two points 100%. We have to land Ratliffe, and fortunately there seems to be some good news on that front. I read that he canceled his remaining official visits after coming to Arkansas and then going through Alabama on his way back to Florida. The Hogs have the biggest need

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  • Patrick Bateman commented on the blog post NFL Draft: A Mockery   2 hours, 7 minutes ago

    Here’s a concern for Kindle other than the pubs. I still think he compares well to Anthony Spencer of Dallas….

    Texas OLB/DE Sergio Kindle registered an unimpressive 10-yard split at the Combine at 1.65 seconds.
    Some scouts reportedly had Kindle at 1.70 seconds. Kindle’s forty time (in the 4.65-4.71 range) was impressive, but he doesn’t have

  • Sailor Ripley commented on the blog post Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   2 hours, 8 minutes ago

    OK, Berger. Taking UTEP a long way. If you set my brackets ablaze, I will hunt you down and force you to arm wrestle a Juarezian Mexican midget wrestler.

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  • HenryJames commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   2 hours, 10 minutes ago

    Good find. That’s where I got it.

    So that makes their ERA 1.77.

  • bonecrusher commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   2 hours, 16 minutes ago

    Are you sure about the 1.89 ERA? If you got this number from TexasSports.com STATS page, they haven’t updated for Sunday’s shutout yet. The STATS web intern is probably on spring break.

  • Sancho commented on the blog post C-USA TOURNEY PREDICTIONS   2 hours, 18 minutes ago

    Article coming soon…believe me, I have a couple opinions

  • BrickHorn commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   2 hours, 26 minutes ago

    HenryJames goes 3-for-4 on game coverage. Not a bad outing for a blogger, really.

  • Chase Sessoms wrote a new blog post: Three Strikes: John Pelphrey   2 hours, 30 minutes ago

    The Hog’s late season collapse has left a bad taste in a lot of fan’s mouths. Tune into any local sports talk program and you’ll hear people clamoring for John Pelphrey’s head on a platter, but is that premature?

    I for one think it is premature. No one in Arkansas is used to being this mediocre

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  • Vasherized commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   2 hours, 44 minutes ago

    Pitching and defense

    You lied to us about this team.

  • Vasherized commented on the blog post Texas finishes sweep of Iowa   2 hours, 44 minutes ago

    Pitching and defense

    You lied to us about this team.

  • Kevin Berger wrote a new blog post: Bracket Analysis: The Wild West Regional   2 hours, 44 minutes ago

    Go west young man. There’s gold in them there hills, which probably sits well with the 12th seeded UTEP Miners.

    There’s little resistance in this bracket relative to the other regions and that should sit well with the Syracuse Orangemen. At least it should if the Orange are healthy.

    If not, meaning Arinze Onuaku the aircraft

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  • Vasherized wrote a new blog post: Beat the Barkers NCAA Tourney Bracket   2 hours, 45 minutes ago

    The winner gets a weekend with sizzlechest, all medical bills paid, in secluded Nova Scotia where screams go unanswered for miles. Runner-up gets the free BC tote bag that has yet to be claimed from last year’s tourney. Third place gets to learn what it’s like to wake up as HenryJames every day.

    Click here

  • BatesHorn commented on the blog post The high cost of razors   2 hours, 51 minutes ago

    Doug Jones had a changeup, and two more change ups off his change up, and he managed to get by fine. ish.

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  • texasengr commented on the blog post A Wake Before The Funeral   2 hours, 51 minutes ago

    I have to agree with 3_from_the_corner.

    I’ve absolutely hated the way we’ve looked against zone defenses. We don’t have anyone that can just kill it from the outside (Hamilton maybe, but he’s on the bench more often than not). Kentucky’s offensive efficiency is about on par with ours, so it could turn into a defensive struggle.

  • BatesHorn commented on the blog post The high cost of razors   2 hours, 52 minutes ago

    Nobody likes Posada. His mid game arguments with Jose Contreras were legendary and entertaining to watch. Stottlemeyer used to have to go out to the mound just to get them to on the same page.

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